I Don't Know About You, But I'm Feeling 22.

And considering how freaked out I got about turning 21, we all remember the Rapunzel Hair Chop, I am actually feeling pretty good about being 22. It's like I have the lyrics to Lily Allen's song 22 where she states that the future looks bright at 22. And finally I see that mine is. Because I have a great family, great friends, a great job, and I'm going to give birth to a great little girl. Now I'm thinking I said great too many times and it doesn't sound believable. Anywho... I'm seeing this birthday as my new beginning. I know I said this to myself at the start of the year, but I was still in the bad place. I've had help since. I've just been better since. So despite that fact I really do not like the number 2, and the fact it is now displayed twice in my age, I am happy.

So let's just talk about how I celebrated shall we? I'd say it was a full weekend event. Which was nice, I was able to split the balance of friends and family quite well. On the Saturday I organised a trip with a small group of friends to go to one of my favourite places in the world. Hemsby. And yeah it was super windy, and therefore a little cold, I'd say we were quite blessed with the weather (and it was better than when we made the same trip attempt two years ago), as it rained on the way there and hailed as we were then leaving, but other than that the sun was out.

So we managed to go on the beach for a little while. This time I did not brave the sea, as much as I wanted to, the waves seemed pretty crazy, and I have a little one inside me I need to protect. But we sat on some towels and just had chats and catch ups while Jordan persisted to throw stones into a bin. After that we went to go get some chips, and finally ventured to the arcades! Where some people *cough*Scott*cough* went a little crazy on the machines. But I'd like to think everyone had a good time. I certainly did.

After this I decided to get the bus to Horsford so I could spend my Birthday with the family. My birthday was a little more chilled, than the Saturday, starting with just laying in bed, and saying happy birthday to someone other than myself, because as most of you know (because it's probably only her that reads this) I share my birthday with my best friend Maddy. Shortly after that my sister came in to share her card before she went to work. My parents then took me to see my nanny, and it was really nice to see her for a catch up. Then we went for a meal at Zaks, which was delicious as always. I got back to have cuddles with my Sebbles, which was definitely a highlight of the day. And I finished up my birthday at home, just chilling with someone pretty cool.

 This post doesn't make sense, but who cares? Things are good! See you when I see you!

My Mum.

As some of you may have been aware, last Sunday was Mother's Day, so I thought I would like to take this opportunity to talk about my own mother. Because she is just the greatest person on the planet, which I know is a rather cliche thing to say. I did make a similar Mother's day post 5 years ago. Yes 5, that's how long I've been writing this damn blog for. Will I ever get bored of it? Probably not, I like to consider it my safe space. Anywho, if you want to check out that brief mentioning about my mother you can click this handy little link.
 So really I just want to thank my mum for everything she has done for me. I can't imagine it has been particularly easy for her to look after me. When we were younger my sister and I would always fight, and didn't really contribute to housework. Then our teenage years only left more drama, with puberty emotions and exam stress. She was always a good support during these times. Not that I ever really accepted it, because I always felt unsure about talking to her about my problems. Mainly because for as long as I can remember she has struggled with anxiety and depression, so I always felt what I was going through was minor in comparison. So didn't want to either bother her, or add to her stress. But despite what she goes through she always tries to be there for others, like supporting her friends, or trying to be the strong one when our family found out bad news. Because it mustn't have been easy for her either.

Despite all this I've known her to be a positive person. She likes to tell me that she just focuses on the now, because the past and future are out of her control, so why worry about it. And I wish I can think more like that. But the fact she has gone through this is why I think she was able to support me so much over the last year. Even though at first I didn't want her to know anything, because I didn't want her opinion of me to change. I didn't want her to stop being proud of me. But I don't think she ever will be. She always says me and Hariette are the best thing to happen to her.

And I think it is because of her that I know I can be a great mother. Because I have her as my example. So my little girl is going to be incredibly lucky to have this woman as a Nanny (she doesn't want to be a grandmother as that makes her feel old). From the moment she found out, she was nothing but thrilled, and will often refer say when talking to my bump that she is her baby. And the amount of stuff my mum has already helped get for her just feels like an endless list.

So yeah I just wanted to make this post to say how incredible my mum is. Not that she would ever read this, because I don't think she even knows my blog exists. I'm not sure what she'd actually make of it, but I'd imagine if she knew how to work the software she would have a blog. Because she likes writing, not physically because she has arthritis and it hurts her wrists, but I remember reading poems and things she used to write. I think it's why I like to use this type of creative space. I get writing from her and drawing from my dad. Because he's pretty incredible too. But Father's Day isn't until June ;)

Well I guess that is all I can really say. I could go into details of hilarious stories and things about her but who has the time for that. And I'm sure there will be more opportunities for that, maybe a post dedicated to her on her birthday, or next year on Mother's day, because I'm sure I'll still be blogging around then, despite having my own baby to look after. See you when I see you!

Pregnancy Prattle.

Hello everybody, so if you don't know this news already (which I'd find odd because I do go on about it a lot, but then again this could be the first ever post of mine you are reading...) I am pregnant. And since I was in the need of something to blog about I thought why not just that. I did start with a bit in my Time To Celebrate post, and It's A.. also talks a little more about my experience, but I probably will just relieve those a little in this post.

So let's start at the beginning. Yes this is going to be an insanely long post so feel free to back out now.

As long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. Because I know that it would probably be the only thing worthwhile I can contribute to society. In the family I grew up in I knew focusing on a career doesn't always go as planned, because my mum trained as a nurse, but ultimately had to stop working all together due to having anxiety and depression, then there's my dad who despite having lots of experience in the field, would be made redundant on more than one occasion. Besides I knew I wasn't going to be smart enough to become a scientist or doctor, and I didn't have the talents to be influential in fame. But I had always known I had wanted to care for someone. Which is why I went into the childcare sector as a career.

I had always wanted to be a younger mum, purely for the fact of I want to be around for as much of their life as possible, and I would want my parents and even my grandparents to get to know them. Because of how much these people meant to me, I want them to mean that much to my child. Plus I always feared the biological clock. Like what if I waited too long and then that was it, I had wasted all my eggs having periods and my chance, to be a biological mother at least, had gone. However, as I got older I did become more aware of certain practicalities that would need to take place, such as having a suitable place to live and the money to buy the things we would need as a family. And I also knew that the father would need to be ready so I wasn't as desperate for it to happen right that second (besides I had a job which was essentially being a part time mother anyway). So I was taking the contraceptive pill, and had taken it for like 4 years at this point.

However, the universe works in mysterious ways. Around last June we had hit a wall. A wall I like to explain is a bit like Jenga, where it was huge, but then I would tackle the negative voice, and be able to take out pieces so it either got small, or in hopes it would collapse entirely. Either way, June onwards was like bricks just kept piling up. Then August I finally cracked, and left my heavily stressful job, but then was left routine-less and somewhat depressed. So I honestly couldn't tell you what happened on a day to day basis over the next couple of months. Everything seemed to blend into one, of what I referred to as the hermit stage. And it's hard for me to say if I was on top of taking my pill everyday, and it just became ineffective due to my stress, or if I just thought to myself that I had been taking it, because I couldn't quite remember what was going on, and my main focuses were not wanting to self harm, and to actually eat food for that day.

Either way, on October 26th I took a pregnancy test, because around that time I was starting to feel mentally better, but something physically still felt off, and I was just trying to piece together the whole pill puzzle and was like, aah. But I still didn't think I would actually get a positive result. I remember being sat on the sofa with my boyfriend and I looked at it, and just so much went through my head. Because I was pleased, my dream was coming true, to me it was a reason to keep existing which was a debate I had with myself intensively over the previous months. But then there was the fear, of how are we going to afford it? And what would people think of me? Because I have literally just broken out of a "depressive" state, it had only been 10 days since I had last tried to harm myself. Nobody would think I would cope. Luckily for me I had my family and friends who helped figure out ways to support me. So I did have some confidence there.

When I went to my dating scan on November 28th I discovered that 12 weeks and 1 day of the pregnancy had already passed. Which was pretty scary. But it helped me realise something about how I could cope. Because the times I felt the most down around the end of September and beginning of October I was pregnant, so it could have just been a low mood heightened by the hormones of the first trimester. But then that was also just as frightening because I realised that I didn't take the best care of my body during this time, and I was informed that stress can affect the growth of the baby, so obviously I was scared that I was being bad at the only thing I thought I could be good at. So the first trimester was not fun for me.

The second trimester had more of an improving feel. As it was more of the I need to just get shit done phase. Such as figuring out where to live, how to afford it, and what to do about my mental health. So we had applications to the council, singing up to the job centre/getting a second bank staff job, and frequent visits to my GP. Plus just trying to be as social with those who supported me as much as possible. So the feel that I was capable was growing, and my excitement to be a mother was at a high. The only thing that would bring me down was around those who were not initially supportive. Which I have spoken about a little in the above mention posts, and throughout my blogs. But I tried not to let that get in my way of making this situation amazing. I was also getting appropriate support from the NHS through midwife appointments, a consultant appointment, a visit from the health visitor, and a meeting with the perinatal mental health team. All of whom are currently working together to figure out what action is best to take leading into my third trimester, because it is said that hormone levels change again, similar to the first, and because we all know how I felt during that, it's best to have a plan. So hopefully that will be figured out in April.

But as I have explained to them, I have started to be more positive, as this pregnancy has moved forward, simply because I've had reassurance from the scans and the fact that I can feel her move (oh yeah she's going to be a girl). More recently as well she is like a little kicking machine, and the feeling is really difficult to explain, it's almost like a bubbly effect. But being able to feel her everyday just reminds me that something great is happening. And I am making something great. Like I can feel her kick whilst writing this so clearly she agrees. The only thing I'm not very good at is talking to her. Mainly because I hate the sound of my own voice. So really she only hears this when I am with people, or when I am singing. I talk to her internally though, I like to hope she can understand, and I believe we have these little conversations. I know it's not possible, but to me it is more comforting.

Currently I am in the process of applying for maternity allowance, and discussing with my employers when would be the most suitable time to start my maternity leave. Which is a strange thing to sort out because I don't have the foggiest what is going on. And I am applying to housing so it's just waiting for the best one to turn up. Which I hope happens sooner rather than later, but I guess there are people in more desperate needs to be housed than myself right now.

Anyway, I have been prattling along for a while now, so I think I should move on to something a little more exciting. BABY THINGS! I know technically this is all baby things, but now we are more specifically going to talk about the adorable things. I first bought something like really early on. And I know that you shouldn't really do that because of jinxes and all that, but when I was feeling low, I needed it to comfort me. So I got this cute little Turtle taggie thing. Which is pretty gender neutral, because obviously at the time I didn't know what gender they'd be. Plus in this day and age you don't really play to gender stereotypes anymore. I was then able to hold off for a while on the things I got. And when I found out the gender there was a slight surge of lets get cute things/ I want to be prepared for the chance she is early. So with the help of my Best Friend Maddy I was able to sort out an entire hospital bag of stuff. My other friends have also been really good. Siobhan, Amy and Jordan have gifted me some items, and Scott was trying to be a financial support. Then there is my mum and my sister, who have gotten so much stuff.

Now the hospital bag stuff is pretty boring so I'll just share some pics of the cute baby stuff that has already been purchased, and it will probably be the first of many.

So I am sorry for this being an insanely long post, but I just wanted to share a little more about my experience. And hopefully it can help others. Because if you are also in your early twenties, have suffered with your mental health, have financial struggles, and do not have the support of a partner, then you can still see that there are people to help, and things will be okay. Family, Friend, the NHS, and even local support teams (such as MAP in Norwich) can help you. Because no-one wants you to struggle.

Thanks if you did read all of this. See you when I see you!

Music To My Ears.

No matter who you are, music is a pretty big deal, because there's so many genres to appeal to everyone. To me I enjoy a range of music, as it is usually mood dependant. And over the years I have made several music related posts such as:

The Music Tag

Music, Sweet Music

The Magnificent 7- Bands

But does that stop me making a new one? Fuck no. Because like I said my music opinions change, and this time I want to focus more on the lyrics. I feel that the reason most people enjoy certain songs is because of how they relate to the lyrics. And you tend to connect certain songs with certain things. So when I went through my breakup/overwhelming feeling of shitness, some songs I couldn't listen to. For instance when I would make my Youtube montages about holidays, or trips, and the song that would back that then reminds me of those happy moments. Therefore I get upset thinking I'm no longer that happy. 

The song Tightrope from The Greatest Showman really speaks to me. Because I always feel when I'm in a relationship that I would do anything for that person. I'd follow them to the great unknown, because to me they are what matters. And I think I did risk a lot to be in my last relationship. Towards the end at least. And despite feeling like I had that promise he'd never let go, he did. So that song stirs up a lot of emotion for me. 

So then we turn to ABBA, and the song Angel Eyes. Because I feel like certain elements do perfectly explain how I feel. Like I felt like seeing him again in person hypnotises me to think he's the only one for me, and the disguise I found out he wears wasn't completely shitty, because you know his angel eyes. The second verse I think really does explain it. Because when I am lonely I sit and think about him and it hurts to remember the good times. And I do wonder if everytime I see him would it bring back the pain. Because so far it has. 

I do try to cheer myself up a little with a very relate-able Paramore Song. Playing God. Because when Hayley Williams sings about bending back the pointed finger I feel like YEAH. I will break down the pointed finger of blame. Because at least I accept where I have fucked up, so I will point you to a mirror. 

So really I just need to find more songs that psyche me up to be a happier person. And Fall Out Boy are one of the best places to go. The song Bishop's Knife Trick has the lyric "these are the last blues we're ever gonna have" which I am trying to repeat over and over, because I do want that experience to be the last blues I'm going to have. And then I match it to the lyrics from Champion which is "If I can live through this, I can do anything"  so those last blues I lived through, shows that I can now do anything. 

Finally I just have to try and adapt myself to be more like Grace Vanderwaal in the song Clay. Because she talks about not letting their words hurt. Which is probably the biggest reason I have struggled since last June. Someone can say something to me and I mould to it. Like the issues I had with my manager at my old job, because she made me feel like the effort I made wasn't good enough. The pressure I had in my last relationship because I would feel like I wasn't enough. The scar I have from being told my one life goal would be a car crash. I began to live inside the world these people created for me, to the point where I didn't feel I deserved to exist. So I need to stop being clay. I need to stop being so easily moulded into these negative shapes, until the words mean nothing to me. 

There are so many more songs I could quote. But that would just take up too much time. Maybe I could make another post like this another time, for now I shall just leave this here. See you when I see you. 

Bested By Bad Moods.

It's strange how moods work. One minute you are feeling great about all things and everything, and the next you don't even know how to put it into words. Sometimes I feel like every time I get better, it all floods back like I'm being sabotaged. I really started to believe I was getting somewhere, even looking at this blog over February there's like a happier shift, things with my friends are great, work is amazing, but one tiny thing just erases that. So there I was once again feeling like nothing I could do would be of any benefit to anyone.

I'm not as stuck in this bad mood as I felt I was in the past. A lot of people have told me that pregnancy hormones can have a huge affect on an already low mood, so given last time I was in a very hormone crazy trimester it is somewhat understandable how I got to where I was. Then in the second trimester there's not as many hormone releases so is that why I believed things were starting to improve? Because now we are entering the final trimester it says you'd have another flux of hormones. So I'm pretty scared of going back to that place I was in before. I've tried shutting the door on certain triggers I have, but it doesn't really prevent me thinking. Like damage made has already been done and I just dwell on those moments, where I was made to feel like I was worst. They just creep back in whenever there's a quiet moment. 

I do feel more confident about this time around, as I know what support I have. I have my family, who are always welcoming when I come home (well sometimes not, but I think it's more the jokey family banter response). I have all my friends, who are patient with me when I'm not at my greatest. and let me vent my feelings, and make time to keep me distracted. And I also have a whole team of medical professionals, like my GP, Midwife, the Perinatal Mental Health Team, and a Health Visitor. So I know I have somewhere to turn if I feel that way. 

Plus I have more of a reason to move forward, and beat the bad moods. Before I was unaware I was growing a life, so I was destructive towards mine. But now someone is dependant on me. So I owe it to her to be my best self. And now that I can feel her kicks, and I've seen scans to show that my mood then hadn't affected her growth, I have that reassurance that we are going to be okay. Because we have gone through so much together already. And I'm sure that when I am able to hold her in my arms, and see her little face looking back up at me, I'd know my doubts are just that. Because I am good for something, I am worth something because of her. 

So really I just have to make it through these next 3 months. and from the day I write this it is exactly 3 months until I am due, which is also terrifying. I don't know how I'm going to cope with labour. I don't know how I'm going to cope with sleepless nights. I don't know how I'm going to be able to see people who thought that it would have been better for her not to exist. But I still have these 3 months to figure it out (assuming she doesn't come early). And like I said I'm getting a lot more support, and the medical team who work with me are trying to sort out if medications can help through this time. 

One thing I have learnt in this experience is the importance of talking to people when you are feeling down. I used to think I could deal with things myself, or I would sugar coat what is really happening, and therefore I never got the support I really needed. But today I told someone everything, like where I feel it all stemmed from, how I would cope, or convince myself I was coping, and just how down I really got. So hopefully now it is all out to someone who can make a difference, I can also make a difference. 

Who knows? I'm sorry this was a return to the rambly down posts, but like I said I need to just get these things off my chest, out of my head, so tomorrow can be a better day. See you when I see you.

Video Diary: February.

Howdy, so want to know what I've been up to in February? Thought you didn't, but here's the monthly video anyway.
See you when I see you!

The Month of Drag.

So last weekend was amazing for me, as I got to experience an incredible Drag Queen Performance, by none other than the All Stars 3 Winner Trixie Mattel. She is one of my all time favourites, I have to say one of because it's a battle between her and Katya. Nonetheless I thought I should take this opportunity to talk about how this wasn't actually my first ever drag show, but my third. Which doesn't sound all that amazing, but considering they all took place in February I think it is rather incredible.

Originally I was only supposed to see the two shows, and my first actual drag show was pretty much a spontaneous trip. This is because my sister had essentially made it her mission to see as many drag shows as she can, and for the Season 10 winner Aquaria's show at the Waterfront, the person she was going with could no longer make it, so to not waste money, and keep up with my vow to do more entertaining things with my time I agreed to go. Aside from the standing, which for a pregnant girl is pretty difficult for long periods of time, and the extremely tall annoying guy who stood in-front of me. IT WAS AWESOME. I enjoyed all the different outfits she put together in a small space of time, the lip-syncs and dancing were on point. And I had lots of fun.

Then a couple of weeks later I travelled to the LCR to go and see All Stars 2 Winner Alaska, and thankfully this time I was sat down for the show, but again couldn't avoid a really annoying guy in front of me. But guys, I thought Aquaria's show was amazing, Alaska fucking topped it. Hers incorporated more comedy, and had more live singing, which was brilliant, and the songs were both things I had known and something new. Props to Alaska as well for actually braving the audience for the "Can I Ask You A Question?" segment, which was just brilliant. Again she also turned out some lovely looks. And the great thing about Alaska is how she manages to look stunning whilst pulling the weirdest of expressions and it is very inspiring.

So finally we have Trixie as mentioned before,
and just as I thought my Drag Show experience couldn't be topped. It happened. This time was again seated, there was no annoying guy by me, and my God Trixie does not hold back. Her lip-sync, her jokes, her live singing. It was all just amazing. And it is really sad that it's all over. She did have the least costumes to display, but she did still look incredible, and to be fair her content for her show was enough for me. Like I don't need to see her in 15 outfits, and do incredible reveals, but she would do that flawlessly if she did.

What I didn't realise was the support acts would also be so good. For Aquaria there were 3 in total. Rujazzle, CJBanks and Asia Thorne. But mainly the first two caught my attention. The comedy they had together, and the lip-sync to Nikki Graham's speech from Big Brother was incredible. They also part way through the show got random members of the audience to take part in a lip-sync to Lady Gaga. Rujazzle made a return for Alaska's show. Where she let the audience take part in a blind date situation after she was Barbie for a song. Now for Trixie's show I feel bad I don't remember their names. The main hostess I would say was pretty good, hosting another lip-sync competition this time to the infamous Read U Wrote U. The other very much enjoyed coming into the audience.

Unfortunately that is all the drag shows until April, where I am going to see the legend that is Katya. I am super excited and I am sure I will tell you all about it. But for now, see you when I see you!

The Umbrella Academy.

Hello there. So this shall be another post away from the beings of my life. To be fair not much is happening, just working a lot, growing a baby, and sitting around watching Netflix. And speaking of Netflix there has recently been a new series added to site which I thought I'd talk about. This being the above mentioned The Umbrella Academy, which I began to watch for two reasons.

1. I heard my sister talk about wanting to watch it and she usually has good suggestions for shows to watch. 
2. When I saw the trailer on Netflix I noticed it had Robert Sheehan in it, and after Misfits I just love him. Because he always plays the mess of a character.

Therefore we obviously began to watch, and I very quickly began to enjoy it. The bonus as well was recognising an awesome name, this being Gerard Way. Whom many people I don't think are that aware of because he belongs to a certain music type. But yes the lead singer of My Chemical Romance wrote a comic book series called The Umbrella Academy and this is what the show is based from. So an unknown 3rd reason appeared to watch it. 

I'm not going to say too much about it, because if rather you go watch the show for yourselves  but I love the little quirkiness the show has, reminds me a little to the style of Wes Anderson. And there are a few characters I enjoy, which for shows I watch recently don't tend to happen. 

So first we have Klaus played by the before mentioned Robert, who is just excellent comic relief but also has some pretty hitting story. 

Then there's Ben who doesn't really do much, but he's not annoying
like some of the more main characters. 

Five is pretty funny and he introduces Dolores who is just brilliant. 

Grace who can come off a little creepy but when you understand
her character you realise it makes sense. 

And Hazel I don't know if I'm meant to like Hazel, but he has a great love of doughnuts so why not.

We will quickly mention my least favourite character Vanya, not sure if it's how's she's written or how Ellen Page portrays her. Either way can't stand her. 

My finally point to try and encourage you to watch is simply the soundtrack. And don't let the idea of My Chemical Romance fool you, but how dare you because MCR are great. But some classic hits get played. And they bring some scenes to life.

That's all I shall say for now, so go watch the show, and I shall see you when I see you. 

Sims 4: Let's Complete Everything!

Hi there! It's time to actually post something that isn't about my life. Well technically it is about my life, because I am playing the sims... But it's not about how shit I feel or what I've been doing or all that usual weird stuff.

Things I love to do are play the sims, and read my friends blogs, and this is how I got the inspiration to do what I am going to do. Because my best friends (my husband) Maddy Warnes, has blogged about her sims adventure where she wants to complete the different expansion packs, to truly make the money spendage worth it, and enjoy each game. So I took to this, because I also feel a lot of my money is wasted on an expansion pack purely because I wanted a hairstyle or piece of furniture.

Hence why I am going to start the Let's Complete Everything Series. So I am going to select one aspiration, and then work my way through the expansion pack that links with it, and once it's done move onto the next one. It will be a lengthy process, but it will keep me distracted, provide blog content, and justify the money I spent on this game in the past. So all the wins.

First we have to create a character. I went with female, because being a female I relate to them more you know being a female. And I went with the name Lia Mattel and chose pretty generic traits such as ambitious, because she will be wanting to achieve a lot of things in her life. Cheerful and good, because that is how you should approach life.

Then I went with an aspiration, because like Maddy I wanted to try and restrict the outfits to the closely suited expansion pack. And the easiest way to choose an aspiration was to go with the first one listed, which was Animal Lover. Which I feel very much describes me anyway. Therefore I decided to dress Lia in mainly Cats and Dogs pack clothing. Next would be living in Brindleton Bay, and creating a house with the furniture from that pack. And then playing until the aspiration is complete.

So if you want to know how that all goes down, you can wait with baited breath for the next sims related post. Therefore, see you when I see you!

Video Diary: January.

Yes, these annoying things are making a comeback in 2019, so prepare for about 11 minutes of awkwardness to find out what I've been up to this last month like the ultimate stalker you are.

See you when I see you!

It's A...

Stubborn little shit. So as most people are probably aware by now, I am currently pregnant, and last Wednesday I went for my 20 week scan. Yep halfway through, super scary. And everyone knows at this scan you can find out the gender, and not that I am really bothered by whether or not I have a boy or a girl, it would be nice to have this information.

So I got to the hospital, and was freaking out for various reasons, mainly being told that my stress I've had over the previous 20 weeks means there has been some kind of growth defect. But thankfully I have one strong baby. Everything seemed to be healthy and on track, and I was so pleased. Then it was time for the discovery, and baby wasn't playing ball. When they first appeared on screen I saw their little legs tucked up I knew I probably wasn't going to get an answer. I had to wiggle about, and they just didn't want to move, baby was comfy and I don't blame them for that. Because I don't like moving when I'm comfortable, I like having my legs crossed, and my hand in front of my face. So as frustrating as it was that I couldn't find out the gender of this little person, I was pretty happy that I was seeing qualities of myself in them.

However, now it meant I had to tell everyone who knew I was going for the scan, that there is no answer to the most asked question. And I hate that kind of feeling. Plus, like Barney said in How I Met Your Mother "I GOTSTA KNOW!". Luckily for me I have a super supportive friend with similar views on having to know. So we found a private clinic in Norwich called "Window to the Womb" and made an appointment. And yeah my baby could continue to be more stubborn, but when you pay for a service they tend to try a little harder to please you.

Therefore, we skip ahead to Saturday. And I was feeling less nervous about being told something was wrong, but was still worried about which gender my baby would be. Not really for my own preference, but because I know that my sister really wanted me to have a girl, and my friends all thought more towards the girl side. And in all honesty there'd be times I'd think about them and I thought about a little girl. Anyway, I got there, and saw them on screen once again, with their legs tucked closely against their body, hand in front of face. Baby Brown was making it very clear that they were in charge. So I had to go to the toilet, and have a little wiggle in private, and I could feel baby was not very impressed by this.

But it all worked out for the best because, little baby moved just enough to see what they are and....

There was some excitement in the room. There seemed to be a lot of excitement from everyone. However, now I know my mum's instincts aren't as accurate as I used to believe. So I'm going to have a little girl, may the cute outfit buying begin!

See you when I see you.

1 Second Everyday.

Last year my friend Emma introduced to me this app called 1 Second Everyday, however we mainly referred to it as second of the day. She introduced it to me a little late into the year so I couldn't start it myself, but I was always so interested in what she had put and new I did want to try and commit myself to doing one in 2019. And here we are.

Back in 2015 (wow that's a throwback) I had started doing those daily selfies, in hope I could collage them at the end of the year. But I gave up around June time, because they just started looking too samey and I just lost interest. And when you think about it I gave up with my monthly videos around June as well. So come June, I do feel these second videos will die. And to be fair I'm due to have a baby then so I doubt I will have time. Or it will literally just be filled with videos of them. I guess we will see.

I have always made it very well known that I enjoy mementos and having something to look back on so this is really up my alley. However the stuff I have so far has just made me realise how boring my life is. Maybe that can be some kind of inspiration to make my life more interesting. Try to do something a little more exciting everyday, that is worthy of being shown in a second format. And when there is something remotely interesting happening I am recording it, and will probably cheat a little to make other days look better. Because I don't really want constant shot of what I watch on Netflix or me walking to work.

I don't really have much else to say about this, but I often like to think if I blog about it I have to be a little more committed to the idea. Plus I want to be more regular with blogging, despite how long the post may be. See you when I see you.

Commitments.

Being an adult is a struggle. When I was younger the only real commitments I had was attending school, and completing homework. Other than that my mum did everything for me. And now I am becoming a mother for myself. So shit I need to start doing everything, not just for me, but for them.

So it started with finding a job. I mean I already kind of had one, but they are not hours I can live off. Therefore I searched for a second one. And managed to get that pretty quickly. Therefore I have to ensure I go to work, to get the money.

I also had to try and find another source of income, meaning I had to get help benefit wise, which I always wanted to avoid, because I always feel there are people who need it more than I do, but I have to think more practically. The first step was going to Citizens Advice, whose main advice was to use google. So I used google, and signed up to Universal Credit.

Which led to more commitments, like attending regular appointments with a work coach, going to youth workshops, and completing paperwork. Which I find pointless because I do have jobs. I just can't earn what they want me to earn in my circumstance. Because let's face it I'll only have that full time job for 6 months maximum. But if I want the additional support paying my rent, I have no choice.

I also now have to make phone calls to sort out registering for a council house. I have anxiety about phone calls, especially when they want you to use the phonetic alphabet. But seriously what other letter do you confuse for U? But yeah I need to dedicate time to ensure that me and BB have a place to stay.

Speaking of BB (Baby Brown) there are also the commitments I have to take for their care. Such as attending midwife appointments and scans. Making sure I am consuming folic acid, and aspirin daily, and also eating well. And trying not to be stressed. Which if you read my last blog post that is a commitment I fail with.

I find it difficult trying to balance all these. My head is spinning just thinking about all the things I need to do. And that's not even including the things I want to do for myself. Such as going swimming to stay more active, blogging more regularly to keep more stable, or my other project I am working on. Let alone commitments to seeing friends. I think I will manage somehow. I need to manage somehow.

See you when I see you.

Dwelling.

I've been told that I need to manage stress better. And pretty much from my first blog post I have always described this space as my therapy zone. Because writing down my feelings, or putting my efforts into something a little creative just helps my mind a little. Yeah it doesn't cure me, I'm not sure anything really will. But I definitely need help right now. Help that doesn't involve others, because as much as they say that they are going to be there for me. They can't always be. Or they just can't be in the way I need them to.

My worst problem is my own mind. I'm told to just calm down, let things go, move on. And I really want to. But I can't. When I am stuck on my own, there's that voice. You know like the one Katya said in her commercial "you're not good enough". Which you can see by clicking this link. And unfortunately 'Krisis Kontrol' is not a thing. But yeah that voice is there, questioning my life. I managed to get rid of her for a bit, when I was happy. I felt it worked in the way of there was always a comeback to contradict her words, and I'd say back in June when I guess I stopped being happy, it got harder to fight back, because she made the most sense. And then the problem became that she wasn't the only voice. I had a work manager who confirmed my self doubts, then I had a motherly figure throw me out, and a boyfriend who became non-existent.

Yeah I have friends. And as much as they try they can't stand up to these voices that tell me I can't succeed how I want to succeed, I can't be a mother because it will be a car crash, and I can't be loved like I love others. And yeah I left that job, yeah they apologise, yeah they try and make up for their actions. I should move on. So why don't I?

Personally I think it's been a mission of mine to self destruct. Like I crave being miserable. Because in a way it is easier than being happy. So I'll remember all of these shit experiences. Try to relive them. Or am I just hoping that if I go through them again and again I will change the past, reach a new outcome, and finally feel better.

I don't want to keep being a burden to people. Feeling like I need to rely on them to maintain my happiness, because they have their own lives going on. And to be fair I need to know how to look after myself, because if not how am I going to bring up a child. I child I already fear I am damaging because of how stressed out for the 18 weeks of their existence, and how I know that I will still be stressed out for more of it. So I want to fix it. I want to draw, or read, or play the sims, or blog. Something should surely help me tackle this voice. Look how great I can be. But I just don't feel great. Because I dwell on all the shit things I have done. Not being good enough as a child, so my mum had to stay in hospital. Bullying people. Selfishness. Doubting people. Getting angry for stupid reasons. Stopping talking to someone. Being bad at my job. Wanting to kill myself. Being careless. Lying. Snooping. I deserve to be alone.

I just don't know how to cope with that. So here I am trying to cope. Badly I might add. But you never know, maybe I can be strong enough to tackle the voice again, and I hope that comes pretty damn soon. Until then...see you when I see you.

So Long 2018.

Hello, so it's everyone's favourite time of year. Reviewing the year, how well I've completed resolutions, and what I have planned for the all exciting 2019. It's going to be a long one so grab a drink, maybe a few snacks, sit back and relax your way through someone's life that you probably couldn't care less about.

The main way I like to look back on the year is through social media, as it's the helpful way to store memories. So we shall start with this infamous blog itself, and what do you know it starts with the hopes I had for this year. Which was to simply be Happy in myself. And once again guys, you guessed it. I failed. So shall we look at why this was probably the case? I'm basically going to break it down by months, and what I felt were the main lowlights and highlights.

January

Highlights:

• Spending New Years with Matt.
• Dad's Birthday.
• Lish's Birthday Celebrations. 
• Work Outing.
• Being Promoted. 
• Sister's Birthday.
• Watching Coco.

Lowlights:

• Being Promoted/Work Stress.

February

Highlights:

• Outings with Friends.
• Rupaul's Drag Race.
• First Doctors/blood test.
• Group Games Night. 
• Work Party.
• Dates with Matt.
• Phone Upgrade.
• Snow.

Lowlights:

• The unexplained bruising.
• Work Stress
• Phone Dying

 March

Highlights:

• Finishing my Coursework.
• The Greatest Showman.
• Seeing Friends. 
• Mother's Day
• Finding a Flat/Moving
• Siobhan's Partay.
• Easter.

Lowlights:

• Snow.
• Work Stress.
• Moving Stress.

 April

Highlights:

• Seeing Friends.
• Family Time.
• Anniversary with Matt.
• BIRTHDAY.
• Making a Home.

Lowlights:

• Broken Phone.
• Cutting My Own Hair.
• Work Stress.

May

Highlights:

• Nights Out.
• Family Time at the Beach.
• Dan + Phil in Newcastle.
• Baby Shower.
• Sofas Finally Arrive. 
• Films- Infinity war, Deadpool 2, Hurricane Bianca 2
• Getting up to date with work.
• I blogged more.

Lowlights:

• The Rest of the Year wasn't May. 

June

Highlights:

• Nights Out.
• Amy's Housewarming.
• Shopping In London.
• Father's Day in Cromer.

Lowlights:

• Work Stress/Stress Leave.
• Being Drunk. 
• Betrayal.

July

Highlights:

• Hare Hunt.
• Paid to go to the Circus.
• Started at the Gym.
• Films- Incredibles 2, Mamma Mia 2.
• Murder Mystery!
• Mum's Birthday at the Beach.
• Fun Fair. 

Lowlights:

• Work Stress.
• I stopped Making Videos.
• I started self-harming.

August

Highlights:

• Going to Spoons.
• Drag World.
• First time at Popworld.
• Game Night.
• The Spy Who Dumped Me. 

Lowlights:

• Stress Leave.
• Interviews. 
• Loss of Self Confidence.

September

Highlights:

• Biddy's Tea Room.
• Started Going Swimming.
• Family Time. 
• Began to Draw Again. 
• Game Night.
• Maddy Rose Warnes. 

Lowlights:

• Lost My Routine. 
• Tried to Kill Myself. 

October

Highlights:

• Nights Out.
• Bake Off with Maddy.
• Matt's Birthday in Cambridge.
• Started a new job!
• Family Time.
• Found Out I Was Pregnant. 
• Pumpkin Picking/ Carving. 

Lowlights:

• Betrayal.
• Tried to Kill Myself. 
• Lost a family.

November

Highlights:

• Fireworks.
• Dynasty.
• Family Time.
• Crimes of Grindlewald.
• All My Friends.
• First Pregnancy Scan!

Lowlights:

• Citizens Advice,
• Being Single. 
• Trying to Adult.
• Messenger Died.

December

Highlights:

• Wreck It Ralph 2
• Got a Second Job.
• Family Time.
• Christmas.
• New Year's Eve.
• My Friends.
• Ice Skating.

Lowlights:

• I Went Crazy.
• Lot of Self Hating. 

As you see I got a bit real there. But I think the only way to move on in 2019, is to be more honest about my past. Not that I think I will let things go so easily, but it's the start of the process. 2019 is going to be a great year. I need to focus on the amazing people in my life, and the fact that I'm going to bring in an amazing person to the world. 

I hope that despite how your 2018 went, you can find the joy in the coming year. We can be in that together. 

See you when I see you!

Time to Celebrate.

Hello, so the time has finally arrived. It's my 500th blog post! Even though I'm pretty sure if I hadn't delete a few blog posts in the past, I would have hit this already, I am going to celebrate nonetheless. So I thought real hard about what I could post about. And really there is only one answer. I have some very exciting news to share...I'm pregnant.

Honestly it's not been the best thing to happen, if you read my last post you know that I was let down by some people, and that was basically because I told them this news. And to be fair it was a bit of a shock. As much as I have always said my main goal in life is to be a mother, I know that now is not the most convenient of times. I'm having financial struggles, and the father is still at uni. It's not ideal. But I believe it can work.

So I did spend the first month near enough on a roller-coaster of being happy and miserable. Because I was so excited to have a baby, imagining taking them to baby groups, their little smile. Then the fear of something taking that smile away. Such as them being from a broken home, or them picking up on the tension between their parents. Because as much as I don't want there to be tension there is. I feel no matter what I do to fix it, I'm only making things worse. And I think the thing that makes me miserable the most is that I am the reason. And it will be my fault my child is unhappy. But then again that's probably just the hormones talking!

Let's talk about the fact that, I'm looking forward to seeing my sister and best friend actually come around to the idea of babies. Because they've been super supportive (like all my friends and family, who I love to pieces) but these two have specifically told me that babies ain't for them. And knowing that they are making the effort to get excited just comforts me so much. It's great to think that this child will receive so much love. And being able to discuss things like baby names, or which clothes are the cutest, and when people want to babysit is also a really weird conversation that just seems to happen naturally.

Another weird thing is the actual experience. I had my first Midwife appointment on the 21st November. I didn't realise quite how much paperwork was involved, and that I get given this cute little maternity folder. There's also a few tests involved. Like for carbon monoxide, blood tests, urine tests. And considering my need to go to the toilet has increased the one time I needed to, my body let me down. But my midwife is lovely, and is going to be my midwife throughout the experience which is comforting. I hate having to repeat information over and over again, especially if it's difficult to say. And she was so helpful, talking about the different ways I can be supported in my situation.

She then told me that she'd book me in for the dating scan. Which I should hear about in the next two weeks. So I dreaded the yet more waiting, because those first weeks were torture. But next day I got a letter saying my appointment was the following week! I was very much impressed. Then I got a letter explaining that I had a negative blood group, and needed a further blood test. And then I was told I also need to have another urine test because there was a problem. I'm going to be a pro at taking these medical tests when we get to the end of this pregnancy.

Also, there are some additional perks to being pregnant, alongside the you know actual baby you get to love everyday for the rest of your life. You get an exemption card. So I get free dental care and prescriptions and stuff. Which I doubt I would use very much, but considering finances are one of my worries, I find this a big help.

So I have been writing this in stages, which is why it probably comes across as really confusing. But I just had my dating scan, and oh my god the experience was unreal. I just look over and there they are. My baby. Wiggling about, refusing to stay still. They have inherited my stubbornness at such an early age. They are healthy, they are 12 weeks already which is pretty scary. But I saw them. A little life is growing and moving inside me. It's so fucking weird. But it really is a time to celebrate.

See you when I see you!

People Are Surprising.

Some people say that in times of crisis you see people's true colours. Which is absolutely true. But I don't want that. I want to go back to the fake colours I used to see. I was a lot happier. Not to say that those people's whose true colours remained awesome do not make me happy. I am so grateful to have those people in my life. The problem is I can't have them around all the time. I can't have them for what I need. What I need is a time machine. I just want to go back. How far I don't know. I definitely know that being 21 has just basically been a shit show. Maybe my life would be much simpler if I was just a little kid again. People didn't talk to you so harshly. You had no real problems apart from not being able to play with a particular toy, or having to eat vegetables. 

The most annoying thing is, do I really want to go back in time? Because something changed. And in any other circumstance I would be ecstatic. And sometimes I am. Then there is this drowning sadness. Because I can't get over how some people can treat others. How they think behaving that way is acceptable, and that there wouldn't be consequences. Or worse than that having people excuse their behaviour, because they are upset, but when I act similar because I am upset, I am toxic. The thought drives me insane. And I cannot forget any of it. And I can't cut these people out of my life. Man I wish I could, because I do not need that. I know I mess up but does anyone really deserve that kind of treatment? 

At least I own up to my mistakes. At least I try to apologise for them. And then I sit regretting the things I've done. Another reason I just want to go back in time. Stop them happening in the first place. But again the question is how far back? How much would change? Do I want to risk some really great things, simply because I am not strong enough to handle something shitty? I'm just confused. And I thought blogging about it would help, because I have always said that this is my therapy. But I don't think this can be helped, it can't be fixed. Or at least in the way I want it to be. 

Sorry for not posting in a while and when I finally do it is this. I've been through a shit time, and I think I just need to clarify things for myself. I failed. But I am going to post it anyway, because in some way it helps me feel like I've achieved something. 

See you when I see you!

My Best Friend.

I don't even have to name you, and you are well aware that you are the person I am talking about. It's why I love you so much. You just get me. And let's face it, you are probably the only one to read this anyway.
I've had lots of best friends in the past. And that's probably because I am a shitty best friend. I've hurt people, and I hate myself for that. But when I hurt you, when I thought you didn't want to see me anymore, it was worse than losing all those other best friends combined. It was like I lost a lifeline. And it turns out that I hadn't lost you. (Which quite frankly I would not blame you). And it was the greatest feeling. It made me think about how much I do truly value your existence. How grateful I am for all the choices I made that meant we ended up meeting, to being what we are now. You are the Lily to my Robin, the Linda to my Heather (I will be very disappointed if you do not get that reference) I hate how much I took that for granted. When I went to that place, you said I could come to you, and I didn't. I don't want to be a burden to you. I truly believed that you would be happier without my sorry ass dragging you down. And now I know how much that hurt you, and it got me thinking about how I do not want to do that again. It's not going to be easy, because as I've said to you, that negative state I get into just doesn't care. But slowly there is a voice fighting back, and the more I think about it the more I realise the voice is yours. You are going to be my strength. Because I trust you with my life more than I trust myself. I'm not going to promise you that I'll be the perfect best friend. Because with my track record I will just let you down. I don't want to let you down.
Out of all my friends, I've known you the least amount of time. But we just connected. And even if we drifted apart a little, we came back stronger. Like we were never away. I always know I can rely on you. I always know you will join me in referencing something weird. You make me more outgoing, you make me more confident, you make me happy.
This may be a really weird post, but I just wanted you to know you are my best friend. And I am going to try so hard to deserve to be yours.
I love you.

See you when I see you.

Today I Will...

So following on from my last blog post. I'm pretty shit. I set out to do all these things, and haven't really done them. Therefore I am certain this is just going to be another one of those lies I tell to pretend like I have everything together. Because I most certainly do not.

Anyway, I thought to myself at the wonderful time of 2am. Because that's when all good thoughts happen. That I will create my own system to be more like a normal human person and less like a cat. As all I have done since I last posted really is sleep and eat and crave attention from others whilst also wanting to have my own space and independence. And as much as I do love being a feline I unfortunately cannot live that way.

So my plan is to give my self one task a day. Yeah I know sounds so simple. But to tell you the truth, trying to get me to do things recently is a task. And my only motivation really has been Matt. Which is why I am shit scared he is going back to uni. Hence why I am starting this, to try not to be such a useless wreck I guess. And prove I can accomplish something on my own.

They will start off as little things, to help me gain confidence. Then I will try to be a bit ore outgoing with them. The ultimate goal is to be happy and proud of who I am and what I do. So if I can achieve the little things, I've made a start. Right? Right...?

Well as I stated in the last post I'd achieve all these things, but maybe so many promises is where I failed. So here we go.

Today I will...Write and Post a Blog entry.

Woop! I did it.

You know what that does make me feel a little better.

See you when I see you!