People Are Surprising.

Some people say that in times of crisis you see people's true colours. Which is absolutely true. But I don't want that. I want to go back to the fake colours I used to see. I was a lot happier. Not to say that those people's whose true colours remained awesome do not make me happy. I am so grateful to have those people in my life. The problem is I can't have them around all the time. I can't have them for what I need. What I need is a time machine. I just want to go back. How far I don't know. I definitely know that being 21 has just basically been a shit show. Maybe my life would be much simpler if I was just a little kid again. People didn't talk to you so harshly. You had no real problems apart from not being able to play with a particular toy, or having to eat vegetables. 

The most annoying thing is, do I really want to go back in time? Because something changed. And in any other circumstance I would be ecstatic. And sometimes I am. Then there is this drowning sadness. Because I can't get over how some people can treat others. How they think behaving that way is acceptable, and that there wouldn't be consequences. Or worse than that having people excuse their behaviour, because they are upset, but when I act similar because I am upset, I am toxic. The thought drives me insane. And I cannot forget any of it. And I can't cut these people out of my life. Man I wish I could, because I do not need that. I know I mess up but does anyone really deserve that kind of treatment? 

At least I own up to my mistakes. At least I try to apologise for them. And then I sit regretting the things I've done. Another reason I just want to go back in time. Stop them happening in the first place. But again the question is how far back? How much would change? Do I want to risk some really great things, simply because I am not strong enough to handle something shitty? I'm just confused. And I thought blogging about it would help, because I have always said that this is my therapy. But I don't think this can be helped, it can't be fixed. Or at least in the way I want it to be. 

Sorry for not posting in a while and when I finally do it is this. I've been through a shit time, and I think I just need to clarify things for myself. I failed. But I am going to post it anyway, because in some way it helps me feel like I've achieved something. 

See you when I see you!