Dwelling.

I've been told that I need to manage stress better. And pretty much from my first blog post I have always described this space as my therapy zone. Because writing down my feelings, or putting my efforts into something a little creative just helps my mind a little. Yeah it doesn't cure me, I'm not sure anything really will. But I definitely need help right now. Help that doesn't involve others, because as much as they say that they are going to be there for me. They can't always be. Or they just can't be in the way I need them to.

My worst problem is my own mind. I'm told to just calm down, let things go, move on. And I really want to. But I can't. When I am stuck on my own, there's that voice. You know like the one Katya said in her commercial "you're not good enough". Which you can see by clicking this link. And unfortunately 'Krisis Kontrol' is not a thing. But yeah that voice is there, questioning my life. I managed to get rid of her for a bit, when I was happy. I felt it worked in the way of there was always a comeback to contradict her words, and I'd say back in June when I guess I stopped being happy, it got harder to fight back, because she made the most sense. And then the problem became that she wasn't the only voice. I had a work manager who confirmed my self doubts, then I had a motherly figure throw me out, and a boyfriend who became non-existent.

Yeah I have friends. And as much as they try they can't stand up to these voices that tell me I can't succeed how I want to succeed, I can't be a mother because it will be a car crash, and I can't be loved like I love others. And yeah I left that job, yeah they apologise, yeah they try and make up for their actions. I should move on. So why don't I?

Personally I think it's been a mission of mine to self destruct. Like I crave being miserable. Because in a way it is easier than being happy. So I'll remember all of these shit experiences. Try to relive them. Or am I just hoping that if I go through them again and again I will change the past, reach a new outcome, and finally feel better.

I don't want to keep being a burden to people. Feeling like I need to rely on them to maintain my happiness, because they have their own lives going on. And to be fair I need to know how to look after myself, because if not how am I going to bring up a child. I child I already fear I am damaging because of how stressed out for the 18 weeks of their existence, and how I know that I will still be stressed out for more of it. So I want to fix it. I want to draw, or read, or play the sims, or blog. Something should surely help me tackle this voice. Look how great I can be. But I just don't feel great. Because I dwell on all the shit things I have done. Not being good enough as a child, so my mum had to stay in hospital. Bullying people. Selfishness. Doubting people. Getting angry for stupid reasons. Stopping talking to someone. Being bad at my job. Wanting to kill myself. Being careless. Lying. Snooping. I deserve to be alone.

I just don't know how to cope with that. So here I am trying to cope. Badly I might add. But you never know, maybe I can be strong enough to tackle the voice again, and I hope that comes pretty damn soon. Until then...see you when I see you.