Was It So Bad?- October

October was spooky and long, so let's just crack on. 

I AM LI: This month has been quite a journey for myself. There is another blog post that kind of goes into the more identity side of things so feel free to check that out, or not I don't care. But I set myself a goal to do Spooktober! Which was to do some kind of crafty activity everyday of October. Now I didn't actually complete everyday, but 23/31 isn't a bad ratio. And I really liked watching how my skills (particularly in crochet) improved over the days. It was nice to get back into some simpler drawings as well, and just have a bit of a play with style and technique. I also brought back my love of nail art, and baking, and just dressing up and being silly. A good month for me. 

I AM A FRIEND: I didn't get to see my friends this month, but I am making great progress in organising a get together. I have kept up with my community peeps, and was moved by how easy talking to some of them about more personal things was, so really I am making more friendships, which is great. 

I AM A MOTHER: Had a little challenge this month with parenting and knowing if I am doing the right thing. The fact there was a parents evening kind of helped but also kind of didn't. But mainly Nora has started to not want to go to school, and she will say she is poorly, and it sounds a lot like anxiety, but also she did get a temperature, so I am just like aaaah what are we doing? But I just tried to do what I felt is best that day, and I guess that is all I can do. Though it was very draining to navigate it all. We had some lovely times together though, playing, painting each other's faces, having dance parties. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER: My organise plan to keep on top of cleaning has been going well, because even if I have slacked for a couple of days, I was able to get it sorted by the end of the week. That is the beauty of the small manageable tasks is that I can when on a good day get more than one task done if needed. My house has also been going through a transformation, and it has been quite a lot having strangers constantly in my environment, my safe space. But hopefully my house will now be warmer, and it does look prettier from the outside. Well aside from the scaffolding.  

I AM IN A FAMILY: My nannie celebrated her birthday this month, and I was pleased I managed to get the family together for a meal to celebrate, and I was super proud of Nora actually consuming food, and interacting with other family members, and not just wanting to play on a phone or something. As usual I have been seeing my family, and I enjoyed having Halloween with Hal and we dressed up like we used to. She did ask me to make her a clown hat and I am proud of what I created but also trying to create pompoms are not for me. 

I AM A PARTNER: Dean and I had a wonderful date night at Moto Pizza, where I stuffed my face and was successful in avoiding the dreaded blue cheese. We then enjoyed another late night stroll home. We have also been blessed this month with great TV, so we have been cuddling together to watch Celebrity Traitors, Bake-off, Last One Laughing, Visionquest. He is also being very lovely by noticing all the little small things I am getting done and telling me he is proud :') so I am trying to do the same with him, as he is starting to feel the stress of work. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: I managed to get my goal completed, and none of my assessments got sent back to me for improvement, so that is good. I have not been feeling so overwhelmed, again because I am trying to break down the tasks a little, and remind myself about the good I am doing, but I am very nervous about my old manager returning. Change is not appealing to me right now. 

 So things are a little brighter, but there is a fear that a storm is coming. But I think the consistency I am trying to achieve is getting there, so let's continue with our goals for November!

• Read some book, as I have been neglecting this hobby a bit lately. 
• Attend the meet up and catch up!
• Explore how to support Nora with changes between home life and school life. 
• Try to declutter some of the rooms, in preparation for Christmas. 
• Have a lovely day out in London with Hariette.
• Plan a date night that will help Dean relax. 
• Make some resources to support the children's learning because I love being creative!

See you when I see you!

Li?

Lately I have had a few interesting conversations with myself and others, and it was around identity. 

I have been chatting lots with my community craft group, because we have various types of people, and whenever I would talk about myself, I just never like giving definitive answers. With one of them it is this running joke that my name is Ella. And I am like, why do I not really care about my name?

When I was a child I used to have a lot of favourite names, which would be dedicated to my favourite Barbie, and it was almost like I vicariously lived through them, giving them a personality I wanted to put out to the world, and having that be accepted. I guess learning about my rejection dysphoria and masking behaviours from my neurodivergence this makes a lot of sense. But there were names like "Lia" "Alyssa" because I was brought up as a girl, so my counterpart had to also be a girl. But I would dress her up in the more masculine of the barbie outfits I had (a very difficult thing to do) and for some reason would always resort to a masculine nicknames like Lee or Al. But ultimately who decided the name or attire was masculine or feminine and why does it really matter? All that matters to me is acceptance. And I never feel accepted no matter what label I give myself. Similarly I feel if I have no real name can I be rejected. How can people talk shit about me if they can't say my name or truly describe me. I am an enigma. 

It is difficult because I have been brought up a certain way, with stereotypes and categories, and I think unpicking that is a challenge. Which is why I can struggle sometimes with pronouns or division between gender or identity. I see for some people it is really important, and ultimately for me that is what is most important, we should respect what is important to that person. If they want to highlight their pronouns, sexuality, and all that we shouldn't go against that. So with me for example I don't really care, and that should also be okay. You can refer to me as he/she/they/it as long as you are kind to me, and as long as you are accepting that I am who I am. Some days I feel different things. More "boy" more "girl", more ADHD, more organised, more reserved, more outgoing. Even in the space of a few minutes my whole being can feel completely different. And I slowly want to come round to the idea that is okay. 

Which is why I do not want definitive I am a heterosexual female called Elinore. Because despite being in a relationship with a man, I do not feel conclusively straight. I like to think that I would just love the person for how they act towards myself and others, more than how they physically appear. I also find it tricky because again I do not know really how I feel myself. I will say I am a girl because it is all I have known, but I hate my boobs. They repulse me. Yet I feel I do prefer the idea of having a vagina over a penis. Going back to the Barbie dolls I think really that is what I would want, like a flat chested flat crotched thing. Which I guess people consider non-binary. A lot of my family, and even my partner do not fully understand non-binary as a concept, they say you have to be one or the other. But as I said, I feel like I switch between the two, I feel like there are elements of being a male that appeal to me but also love some feminine aspects as well. But again who decided this is feminine, this is masculine. Why should you care about what is between my legs because you shouldn't be going anywhere near it, and I will not be showing it to you. If we just respect individuals, we would probably have less of a mental health crisis, because feeling like I have to conform to some kind of boxed system is what drives me insane. Can I not just be a person who exists, to like the things I like, act the way I act, as long as it isn't causing significant harm to others (e.g. I can't go round murdering people). And it should also be okay that yeah I liked these things yesterday, and did something like that yesterday, but today ain't that day. 

Which is why I am also experimenting a little more with my name. Because I do not always relate to Elli. I do not always feel like Elli. Or Elinore, or Ella or Steve. But sometimes I really do feel like Elli, or Elinore, or Mark. Obviously never having an official thing to call someone can get rather confusing. And I guess the legality and all that plays an important factor, and because I don't like being inconvenient, I still acknowledge I was born with the name Elinore. I will sign emails Elinore (Elli) Brown because I want to show the connection. Like you may know me more as Elli, because Elli always felt fun, while Elinore was serious, but Elinore is what you will find on my official documentation proving I am actually a living person and not just a figment of your imagination. But honestly I love that for me. But speaking to someone I know who has given themself a new name, we discussed another one I liked for myself. Which still has the connection to my origins, but also feels like it can cover those days where I do not feel like Elinore or Elli. This being "Li" which my partner says he doesn't feel comfortable with because it feels masculine, and similarly I said I didn't relate to Elle much because it feels too feminine (I think because of the fashion brand) Regardless, I found I quite like Li. One syllable so easy to get the attention, when feeling lazy. It doesn't feel to me at least too one way or the other. Because it is simply 2 letters. And it is still imbedded with the name my parents gave to me. It still holds a place with who I used to be, and I feel it allows some kind of exploration of who I can become. Because you knew Elli before. There was good to Elli, there was bad to Elli. But mainly there was things Elli wouldn't share with other people, because of shame. Li doesn't want that. Li wants to walk up to the Shame Wizard take their hand and skip around together and try not to give any fucks. Li wants to stim, Li wants to advocate for Elli and Elinore, who are and will always still be me. I am not saying you HAVE TO call me Li from now on. I won't get hurt if you call me Elinore, or Elli, or Layton. As long as you are nice to me. Just call me what you thinks suits me that day. Because I do find it fun when my sister calls me Elinore, I am probably too used to Elli that hearing anything else will be a bit weird anyway. 

To conclude I am Elinore, Elli, Li, a non-binary being who just wants to exist amongst you and be accepted as being allowed to take up space in this world. 

See you when I see you!

Was It So Bad?- September

Looking back at September it felt fucking long, but I feel like I do not actually have much to show for it, so I guess that is making me feel a little glum in reflection. But when I think about it, I had gotten the traditional Autumnal ills, and I was trying to readjust to life with Nora back at school, so it was mainly just getting through the day. 

I AM ELLI : Okay I tell a lie, the images for this section does actually seem like I have been up to a lot. Dean got us Crash Bandicoot as a game which was very nostalgic, and the whole family have enjoyed playing. I have been very crafty with puzzle, sewing, paining and lego projects, and I was proud of myself for finally finishing a book. I achieved my goal to try out a new cooking recipe and made Dean and I some Viking Pork (I had a vegetarian equivalent) with cauliflower cheese mash. It was pretty good, and I even created a tiktok about it, because apparently I tiktok now. My journaling has been very hit and miss, but I would say I have been kinder to myself in general, and when I have had my low days, which I will always have I am human, they haven't been catastrophically low like in the past, so I am improving. 

I AM A FRIEND: It has been so nice to get back with the community groups. It took a little adjustment and I noticed the mask did go up for the first sessions, but as time went by I realised I can be my authentic crazy self and it was so refreshing to be able to express myself, as Nora often finds my stims and things annoying. I did attempt to meet with friends but the business of life just got in the way, though I felt we had good interactions over messenger, so I don't feel like they hate me, in my RSD way. Hopefully we can all get together soon. 

I AM A MOTHER: I am going to use this space to remind myself that I am doing a fucking good job. Because Nora was able to go back to school, and when she had worries about her peers, or the work I was able to support her through it. Yeah it feels a little lonely that she only relies on me for this support, but I am trying to encourage her that others will be in her corner just as much as I am. We have had lots of fun times together, playing an insane amount of Barbie, trying to be crafty, etc. There have been some guilty days, because I was getting tired and irritable from the ills and I wanted to give her more, but I am only human, and luckily I had Dean help step in, and hearing them play together always warms my little heart. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER: To try and keep on top of everything I made myself a little cleaning rota, breaking the tasks down for each room and having those rotate over 8 weeks. This is to hopefully please my routine loving autistic brain, but having something different each week to please my ADHD brain. I did sort out mine and Nora's clothing, however they are just currently in a dump pile waiting for the next stage, but at least I jumped one hurdle! My home is currently being ransacked by builders, as Dean has sorted out our house being re-rendered. Which should be exciting because it will look pretty, and will be warmer in the winter and hopefully can save money on heating, but having people at the exterior of the house all the time makes me a bit uncomfortable. Hopefully it won't stress me out for too much of October.

I AM IN A FAMILY: I realised that I never actually finished writing the goal in last month's post. It was meant to say about reaching out to my extended family, and I have achieved that. I have seen all my normal relatives, but we also spent an evening at my great Aunt's house. It followed a lovely day at Pleasurewood Hills, and I am impressed how my sister managed to convince me to go on rides that would normally fill me with so much anxiety. And rightly so because I did fall below the barrier into the footwell on the Marvellous Marble ride. NEVER AGAIN. As Pleasurewood Hills is close to my great Aunt's house, and this particularly weekend my Nannie was visiting her, we decided to drop by and played this weird beetle game, and ate food from her local chippy. It was also a nice surprise to see more of the family there, even though my time with them was only brief.  Something I have quite liked this month is how me and my mum are becoming each other's body doubles to run errands. She helped me collect my prescription and I go shopping with her. 

I AM A PARTNER: I had completely forgotten that Dean had planned a night out for us to see Chris Ramsey at the Theatre Royal, so the planning and preparation for it stressed me out. It got a little to the point that I didn't want to go, but I am glad that I did because we had a lovely time, and it was nice to escape and laugh and enjoy the Geordie accent. I have gotten Dean small little treasures, like a pack of biscuits, but I feel he does deserve more than this, as he has been such a big support to keep me in check.

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: I have felt relatively positive about my job this month. Because even having a little wobble with the autumnal ills, I made the right choice to have a day to rest and it enabled me to return to my normal functioning, and there have been more going into work motivated. I think it helped that I created a plan to achieve different goals and trying to prioritise tasks, as I have been able to complete everything and not feel overwhelmed by it. Even had a staff meeting that I didn't have a complete meltdown afterwards. So woohoo.  

Right next month I shall...

• Make some Halloween crafts!
• Try to see my friends for the spooky season!
• Support Nora with her schoolwork.  
• Make my house spooky for Halloween. 
• Show mum appreciation.
• Get Dean a token of my appreciation for him. 
• Complete my trackers before the deadline. 

See you when I see you!

Was It So Bad?- August

 Despite being DISGUSTINGLY hot, I think I have managed to survive August okay. It felt like such a long month, and yet I am scared that summer is now over. I always get left with a weird sense this time of year, like I should have achieved more while the sun was up, made the most of the summer. But I need to stop worrying about time. And actually looking back I have achieved so what the fuck is wrong with me?

I AM ELLI : August has seen yet another rollercoaster of emotions, and I think mainly because I have just been to exhausted to hold it all in. I am also tired of just being tired all the time, and having one small simple task needing several days to recover. I guess that is why I feel like my time gets wasted, and then I get into the point of not wanting to do anything at all. But I have been leaning back into some much loved hobbies, like painting my nails, painting in general, and I even dabbled in some baking, which even though they didn't turn out perfect it was a needed saviour from a crappy day I was having. Towards the end of the month I got better at journaling, and I do believe it was helpful in keeping me afloat, and even when I have bobbed under the water, I am able to resurface again. Something else I achieved was finally completing the bug museum on Animal Crossing New Horizons after 6 years. TAKE THAT GOLDEN STAG!

I AM A FRIEND: I have felt a little lost this month without my usual interactions with the community groups I used to attend, but I have tried to message the odd time and keep in touch. One bonus was a cinema trip planning with Amethyst, and even though our first film we wanted to see was helped along the way by AI so we boycotted, we still got to watch STOP! THAT! TRAIN! Which was a lovely piece of escapism. I also got to see my long time pals!!! Amy celebrated her birthday and I got to experience a tribute show, which was different let's put it that way. But I had a lovely time just seeing the joy on my little Amy's face as she danced along to the tunes. I also got some quality time with Emma as we took our annual DinoPark trip with Nora, and I just need more time with these people. I wish life didn't get in the way. 

I AM A MOTHER: The summer holidays are always a massive test for me. I create this expectation that I have to give Nora this amazing time, and then I end up burning out, or for some reason beyond my control Nora will get angry over something, take it out on me, and I will question if I was ever good enough to be a mother. But I am because I have dedicated time to her and we have made good memories. We have built forts, made kinetic sand, done lots of pictures and paintings, and lots of play. She has been treated to some cute monster high dolls (not just because I also wanted some from the Witch set), and we have had fun days out to Pleasurewood Hills, Roarrr, swimming, and having a couple of play dates with her friends. The not so good times, I just need to remind myself that she is young, she is probably neurodivergent, and these are short term reactions. Hopefully when she is older all the hard work pays off. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER: We will ignore the ghastly state of the summer house, and spare room, and the places I always say I need to sort out, but well done to me for maintaining the rest of the house. I fully cleaned down the bathroom, and managed to get Nora's help in wiping down some of the windows and windowsills. Her room is tidy, and I managed to get a bug bomb for the house to try and help with the one insistent flea that will not vacate the premises. I even did some weeding of the garden so yay. 

I AM IN A FAMILY: There have been a few quality family moments, as we saw both my nan's, and my parents came by the house a lot. Nora was actually pretty cute with them. Managed to spend some time with Hariette, as she joined us at Pleasurewood Hills and we had lots of fun laughing/screaming on the barnyard ride.  

I AM A PARTNER: Again Dean has been pushed a little to the side-lines as I am trying to balance exhaustion, work and a 7 year old in the holidays. But I would say I have still managed to give him adequate time. My favourite day was our date day at the beginning of the month, where I joined him at a football game, we had a lovely meal at Turtle Bay, and we got some free ice cream at the cinema to watch SPIDERMAN!!! We even decided to walk home from the city in the very late evening, and it was just some lovely quality time together. Sadly we never got to the paddleboarding, mainly because weather and illness, but we are definitely going to plan more times together. He has been a great support with keeping me positive and just reassuring me that I am not the mess I tend to convince myself I am, and I am very thankful for the amount of patience this man has. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: I would say out of all the areas, this is the one I am most content with. I have been at work, offering to help a little extra, getting my tasks done, and having a good work ethic. Yeah there was a little slip around the staff meeting, but I think that is just the staff meeting vibes. Been given praise for my help. So I am going into the new term feeling like I am going to rock this somewhat. And I do not care if that sounds cocky, I need to be my own cheerleader and have some confidence!

So the summer is over, and new school term begins, so obviously it is time to try and reinvent myself yet again. Therefore some achievable targets are needed, so I do not get to harsh on myself when I do not manage to get them done. 

• Try a new recipe from one of my cookbooks. 
• Reconnect with my community groups. 
• Support Nora in the transition back to school.  
• Get rid of unneeded clothing items. 
• Reach out to my 
• Get Dean a token of my appreciation for him. 
• Practice small talk with a colleague. 

See you when I see you!

Was It So Bad?- July

 July felt long, but scarily fast at the same time. I think it is because I spent a long part of it terrified because the summer holidays were about to start, and I was dreading it causing another burnout in me, so it just felt like everything was just around the corner. But actually looking back on what I got up to, and remembering the events felt like they happened so long ago. The brain is strange. 

I AM ELLI : I think I have felt a little lost with who I am, and everything just feels a little chaotic. Which during a therapy session I realised I am just supressing a lot, and trying to do too much, and feeling like I am doing it all solo, even though I am not, it is very strange. But anyway in terms of my gaming passion, Animal Crossing has definitely taken a step back and I am pretty certain I only played it 2 days in the entire month, but I was branching out to more than just Tomodatchi Life which I also think is a win. I have been trying to get back into creativity as well, testing a new hobby of embroidery, but I will call it sewing because I don't think I actually use any official embroidery techniques and am mainly just making it up as I go along, but I think I have made some cute things thus far. The tote bag is not finished, and is a slow work in progress, but please hold me accountable to actually finish it. Speaking of finished, I finished my giant puzzle, well.. actually I couldn't because I have lost a piece :(

I AM A FRIEND: This is a bit of a tricky topic for me right now. Mainly because a big word in my head right now is that I am lonely. But why should I feel that way? I have people in my life I can talk to and do things with but why don't I? And ultimately it is because I am filled with fear of rejection (very common for a neurodiverse brain apparently but still no easier to navigate). Basically I am doing all this stuff and think I want to tell my friends about this, I want to hear about what fun things they have been up to, but what if they actually think the things I have done are not interesting and realise I am not a fun friend to keep around and then I get abandoned. Similarly with calling, messaging or meeting up with them. I fear I will say or so something wrong that will make them think I am not worth their time. So I am having a lot of conversations with my friends in my head. I am slowly trying to break out of that habit, and I guess we will see how that goes in our August catch up. 

I AM A MOTHER: I would say I am winning on the mother front at the moment. We have been trying to survive the heat with water fights, and I sacrifice my fan at night so she can get a cool nights sleep, during the random heatwaves. 

 water fights, trip to pleasure beach. Just get the usual guilt when she overstimulates me, or I just generally fear I am going to let her down in some way. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER: I need to get back on task with sorting the house, even though it isn't bad per say, I just have gone a bit slack with my daily tasks and whatnot. Though I am proud of myself for sorting out the garden toy box I have been procrastinating, and sorting through a memory box in the summer house (which is why I think I lost  puzzle piece...) I also FINALLY took 2 bags to the charity shop so my spare room isn't as cluttered. Also put in a lot of effort to tidy Nora's room, though I do not have much hope it will last long. 

I AM IN A FAMILY: July has been very busy on the family front. I have done my usual trips to both my nan's having lovely catch ups. My dad had a week off around my mum's birthday so we went out a couple of times for some meals, and just had chats over a cuppa at my house. As it was mother's birthday I have spent lots of time with her, either on the phone, out for meals, chatting in my garden. But the best moment was definitely when we went to go see Mamma Mia! Being able to act silly, have a dance and sing, and now we have made plans for future theatre trips. Hariette and I have also seen lots of each other, and we had a great time on a weekend getaway in London. Sidenote, but there was issues with my train the morning I was to leave and I sorted it all on my own without help from anyone!!! But yeah I met Hal in London and we did a quick bit of shopping and food before going to watch Heathers The Musical, and it was "so beautiful" then we battled the heat our hotel room, as we got ready for the My Chemical Romance concert at Wembley. My god the place was huge, and loud, and overstimulating, and Gerard Way just kept insisting they were going to sing just one more song, and yeah listening and singing along to the awesome music was great, but I also needed me some sleep. 

I AM A PARTNER: I would say I did pretty well holding up to my goal of having more quality time with Dean, even if it was something as simple as laying in on the weekend Nora is with her dad, and cuddling in bed. We have made the odd little walking trip, and went to try out the Cornetto McFlurry, which the price of is just getting ridiculous. I have really appreciated the trips out he planned for our little family, and even just ourselves. I had much fun going kayaking, even though Dean became grumpy I took off my life jacket... We have been planning some great times for August also, so come back for those. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: My life at work has been fairly successful as I have completed my targets, and feel I am getting more to be part of the team. I would even argue I have been feeling kind of confident in my job... Even though I did try to apply for something new, it was term time only, and had hours that worked better around Nora, but sadly I didn't even get an interview. But like I said my current job seems to be going good right now.

So the summer is off to a sweltering start, and I need to try to think of targets to survive the rest of it. 

• Create a habit to journal for my mental health.  
• Celebrate Amy's birthday!
• Take Nora Swimming. 
• Declutter the Summer House. 
• Do something nice for my Dad.
• Try the glow paddleboarding evening with Dean. 
• Organise myself for the changes that will take place in September. 

See you when I see you!

Was It So Bad?- June

 Usually June tends to be the month in which I give up on my consistency in the past, from the second of the day adventures, blogging, vlogging, or trying to diet. My brain just gives up, and honestly it has happened a little within the month, and I think it is just because so much goes on and I enter some weird kind of survival mode. But a few slack days does not mean I just give up, no this is the new Elli. 

I AM ELLI : As you can probably tell by the images I have dyed my hair again. I have gone for a permanent purple however spending a weekend in a chlorine filled hot tub has altered that already, but I let Nora choose the colour. I used this dying experience as an excuse to take more selfies, because I want to try and be kinder to myself, which I would say I have been, and I have really needed to because the heat we have been experiencing had put me in such a shit mood. I had gotten a little sick of being crafty after a very busy start to the month, making cards, and baking, but I did replace that with my other hobbies of puzzles and reading. 

I AM A FRIEND: 

I feel like I have been a bit of a bad friend this month, particularly as I stopped doing my weekly check in I told myself I was going to do. I just start feeling uncomfortable, and scared of rejection. I did try to organise a little hang out, by inviting the group along to watch Toy Story 5 but to nobody's surprise everyone already had plans. But I have still been social with my parent friends, and I did manage to run into Paige in the Asda car park. 

 

I AM A MOTHER: In the build up to Nora's birthday I was getting very anxious, I just wanted her to have a lovely time, and as always I put a lot of pressure on myself. I think it all worked out in the end and she was happy enough. I made her party invites, got them handed out, half her friends turned up on the day. I had put together party bags, and was able to ensure she had a good time in the very hot soft play centre. Proud of myself for also trying to run around with her at one point to cheer her up. I have managed to do a lot with her, taking her to the cinema, playing lots after school, supporting her through her worries about friendships and moving on to year 3. Which I use as my compassion to tell myself it was okay for missing out on her sports day event. For ages she had been super excited about me joining her school trip to the Royal Norfolk Show, and honestly as the day came closer I was dreading it (mainly due to the heatwave) I felt guilty that I prayed it would be cancelled, but alas I still went, and I was proud I was not only able to be there for her, but I felt like those in her class also appreciated having me around. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER: On one of the occasions I had mother round, she mentioned the bird feeder she had gotten me for my birthday, and have yet to do anything with. So well done me I actually put it in the tree and put some feed in it. It was amusing to see how long it took Dean to notice I had put this up. The tidying of the house had been a little slack, but that is because there has been so much going on, and I still kept up with some chores, like laundry and dishes. In the build up to mine and Dean's weekend away I did become a lot more productive as I knew I would have the weekend to just relax and do nothing, and I was super proud of myself for cleaning my oven, as that is a task I always procrastinate. 

I AM IN A FAMILY: With all the birthdays and fathers day, I felt like this month was very family driven. A bonus of going back to work is having the little walk with Dad on the way to breakfast club, and I enjoyed the moment we got to spend at the park as we had gotten their early. And even though I left it a little last minute I was able to scrounge together a little something to celebrate father's day (though this led to an argument with Nora because she insists we shouldn't celebrate Granddad on father's day). Hariette had joined Nora and I on a few of our outings, and mum and I had lots of catch ups on the phone. One social event I was worried about was that Dean's family were having a barbecue. Now social interaction is always tricky, and added to that was Nora was also going and her level of interaction can be even worse. Which for the first part it was. She didn't want to talk, eat and just kept asking to go home. But once Dean's aunt and uncle turned up, and she had some cake, her tune changed and I think we all had a really nice time, and I was proud of the effort I had made to interact with lots of people I didn't really know. I was also super proud of Nora who stepped out of her comfort zone to interact with some of the other children there, she had so much fun to the point she then didn't want to leave. 

I AM A PARTNER: Before I knew it, Dean was celebrating his 30th Birthday, and because we tend to use a weekend away as our birthday celebrations I felt weird I had nothing special for the day itself. So with the help of Nora, we made Dean a birthday brownie. which tasted really good. Our weekend away was amazing, and I miss having these moments that are just me and Dean being goofy, because I think lately we just get a bit caught up in life, SO I want to make it a mission to have more of these moments! I am proud of myself for trying to take more interest in Dean's interests, as I am trying to join him to watch some games of the world cup, and ask him about it yaddayadda. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: I have successfully gone back to working at least one full day a week, and the only time I didn't was because the manager closed the nursery early due to heat safety. I have been able to contribute to numerous tasks, try to connect with fellow colleagues, and just be more proud of the work I do each shift. I did take one sick day, but this was because of the heat and nausea compared to mental breakdowns and stuff, so I think that is a win, because everybody gets sick!

So the summer is off to a sweltering start and it is only going to continue. SEND HELP. Here are my goals aside from not spontaneously combusting. 

• Create a habit to journal for my mental health.  
• Message each of my friends for a check in.
• Create a plan for how we will spend her summer holiday. 
• Take clutter to the charity shop!
• Make my mum feel special for her birthday. 
• Recreate the quality time we had on our weekend away.
• Complete my summative assessments on time. 

See you when I see you!

May have not been that bad?

Now this month is good for the memes and jokes. May the fourth be with you, it's gonna be May, and something else that will fall into that category. But for me (imagine I said it like may though because it's funny) it is often a very confusing time because it feels like everything is happening. There is a slight element of consistency to my rebrands I take on in April, there is hope forming that actually I might make something of the year, then slowly the anxious delusion sets in that something awful will happen, what will go wrong? Then that thing goes wrong. Currently though I feel I am handling that better than I would have in previous years, which my therapist tells me is a sign I am improving. But again I am always improving, until I am not. Anyway....

I AM ELLI : The things that didn't go so well this month was naming 3 things I liked about myself. Though I can say that I have been kinder to myself, saying that I have been doing good things and all that. But I don't think I am quite ready to say there is something likeable. Another not so well thing is that I abandoned my crochet projects, however I did complete a couple of painting and cross stitches. I have felt quite well rounded this month for the different things I have done, like reading, crafting, puzzling, and playing different games. So I am hoping I can keep that up. 

I AM A FRIEND: Task to get a photo with my friends complete. though I could have gotten more, particularly one with Amy when we went to the bull for a meal later this very day, but I am still proud I have achieved a goal. This day was so long ago now, but I loved it, going to the cinema to watch The Devil Wears Prada 2, joking about pee and diet coke. Then meeting up with others for a meal. However I was getting hangry having to wait, but at least I was in good company. One of my community group pals also invited me to the cinema to see OBSESSION, and like the title I am obsessed. I loved it, and I liked spending time with this person outside of our craft bubble. I was also proud of another friend who bravely spoke up about needing some support, and I was honoured that they appreciated my help the previous time that they felt safe to ask again. I think it is a shame to think when I am in my low friendships are one to get affected the most, so I am liking that I am getting my sociability back.  

I AM A MOTHER: As per usual my time as a mother is a huge rollercoaster of emotions, as I feel like everything is lovely one day and the next I am doubting everything, believing I am messing her up and just yeah. Some downsides have been when I have really tried to advocate for my own needs and she has just not been having any of it. It gets really hard because my therapist talks to me about how most of my negative predictions won't come to light, but they can do with Nora. I can predict the meltdowns, and stress, and then it just help confirms that everything is going to be a catastrophe. Now let's turn all that on it's head with some positives. My goal was to take Nora to the park, and I completed this many a time, as hanging out at the park afterschool became a little routine. Thanks to some wonderful suggestions from Dean, I also got to take Nora on an adventure to Pleasurewood Hills, and Hemsby Beach. Lots of smiley memories are made and I hope I can have these imprinted in my brain whenever the fog tries to take over. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER: My house is still in a reasonable condition. Yeah it isn't perfect, but I have been able to keep on top of it. Even started some cleaning tasks I wouldn't normally do, like washing the windows. Dean and I also took advantage of the weather and managed to start some gardening tasks, and I put out some of my solar lights. There are more still clogging up my cupboard under the stairs but at least I had made a start. 

I AM IN A FAMILY: I am a bit worried writing about this category as I feel like I have not done anything. I mean I have. I have thought about my sister, checking in, finding cool presents I think she would like, just generally hanging out with her. I have been planning mine and mum's evening out in July, and talking to her lots about books, I have seen my dad and grandmothers. So that's good right? I don't know why I don't feel like that is enough I guess that is something I can discuss in therapy.

I AM A PARTNER: One thing I am very thankful for this month is my amazing partner Dean. I would say he is being more of a top quality partner than I am, planning awesome days out, and just being a great love and support through my challenges. There are times when I usually wake up in the morning and just go do my own thing, so I did try to take a little time to stay cuddling Dean. Even just more in general I wanted to pause and say yeah it might look lazy just cuddling my partner, but actually I am building connection. I have often tried to watch some football with him, and have been enjoying it, though I can end up falling asleep most of the time. Dean is just to cosy. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: This month I am very proud of myself for going back to work and having a pretty okay time. I have written observations, assessments, contributed to planning, had decent conversations with co-workers and completed my side quest of catching up with training! The main downside has been the not being able to function in the heat, and that appears to be my biggest trigger for stress. It is honestly a nightmare I am either too cold or too hot, and there is now calm medium. I still tired after work, but I am seeming to be better at recovering from this, though I still fear that burnout is imminent. But I feel support, I have better understanding of myself, so hopefully I can function at work. I was also pleased that I attended a staff meeting, and a work outing! I always struggle with connections as I often feel the only thing we have in common is work and nobody wants to talk about that ALL the time, but actually I find that I had a really lovely time at the baby shower we had for two of our co-workers. 

This month has felt long, has felt a lot. Like some of these events I feel like have just vanished from my brain like they happened years ago, but in a way that is good I guess. I have bene able to be more, enjoy the moments and create lots of moments, as opposed to dwelling or obsessing over the few. So how would I like to progress in June...

• Advocate for my needs 
• Start planning a friend group catch up!
• Make Nora's Birthday Special.  
• Take clutter to the charity shop
• Get something to celebrate Father's day.
• Make Dean's Birthday Special.
• Work a 10-hour shift 

See you when I see you!

Trying To Make It Not So Bad- April

Well hello there. Let's start by giving ourselves a round of applause for getting 1/4 of the way through 2026. Whether it has been pleasant or absolute hell, we are here to say we are here. So let's look back at how I got here over the past month, because it has been... it has been... well I can't really think of a good conclusive adjective. 

I AM ELLI : I would say a big theme for this month has been THE REBRAND. I just had it in my head I was going to become someone new/ truly find myself, and things were going to get better, despite what Mindless Self Indulgence likes to tell me. So I leant into my hobbies, and was also trying to test myself with techniques and things I wasn't really used to, and some turned out okay, some not so much, but I ACTUALLY COMPLETED A CROCHET PROJECT!!!! I also got back into the reading rhythm this month finishing 3 books. I had a lot of stress this month because of my impending birthday. I don't know about you, but my birthday can be triggering for me in respect to what I have achieved with my life, what will I achieve in this next year, and one of the most difficult, how will I answer "what did you do for your birthday?" Simply, I played games and ate pizza and cake. It was nice being able to get to spend time

with people I love, and having them reassure me that it was okay to not go wild celebrating just another day in the calendar year, but I have such weird expectations of what I think society would want from me. I had began therapy this month, which is always a strange experience, because I love to try and please people so often will tell the therapist what I think they want to hear, and does it actually make me better in the long run? Probably not. He has already gotten me to cry and be honest about how I felt stupid because I didn't know the answer to his question, which turns out itself could have been the answer to the question. But I overanalyse questions and answers. It has to be right, but I don't know what right is, and I find it hard to judge what you think is the right answer. It is better to just not talk sometimes.

I AM A FRIEND: I managed to have Paige and Abbie at my house this month for a little catch up which was a nice chill time. I wish people in my life were more available like that. Just come for a cuppa and a chat. PLEASE. Because how valuable the time is everything feels like it has to be some grand event but it is just so much pressure to perform. I want to be real. I want to chat to you. As part of my rebrand I am going to try and be better and checking in with my pals regularly, just gotta hope my RSD doesn't kick in. During the easter holidays I missed my community groups, and feel like this contributed towards some of the down times I faced. It doesn't feel me with much hope for the summer when I would be 6 weeks without them. No Elli do not think about it, that is still plenty of time away. Just think about April in this moment. (even though it is May as I am writing this, but the point is to reflect on April). I did tell myself that I was going to get picture proof that I actually have friends and clearly I failed at this.

I AM A MOTHER: Twas the Easter Holidays at the beginning of April, which fills me with fear. Not because I don't love spending time with my daughter, but I hate the expectation I set myself for us to have an fun filled time, and how tired I get very quickly, and how Nora will constantly act like what we have done is never enough. I did enjoy our times swimming together, going to various parks. We played a LOT of barbie. I was also very proud of myself for solo hosting a playdate for Nora and her school friend. I think I had done a good job of balancing fun and preparing her to go back to school. I just also filled with a lot of self doubt because when I would try to explain to her my feelings it just feels like it isn't validated, and I know she is 6 so then I feel guilty that I am expecting a lot from my 6 year old, but it is really hard to try and be kind with your internal voice when external voices are contradicting. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER:  I am actually really proud of myself for the steps I have taken in terms of household jobs and whatnot. I knew I wanted to begin sorting the summer house, so that started with getting rid of a big pile of clothes that Nora and I grew out of and I just never got round to taking them anywhere, but I got a whole £1.50 for them at Cash4Clothes. I also had piles of Nora's old toys and books collecting because I always felt they were too good to just throw away, and I wanted someone to make use of them. So I went back onto my Vinted account. I have made a bit of money so far which empowered me to declutter more things that I don't really get joy from anymore. But I have also given myself a limit of what doesn't sell by the end of May it will just go to a charity shop, because IT NEEDS TO BE OUT OF MY SPACE. I have also tried to divide up my house so I can keep on top of tidying it all as opposed to the worst areas, and that overwhelms me and I avoid doing anything. So I gave each section a day, and I have to spend at least 10 minutes in that day doing some kind of task to improve it. Like I will clean the windows in the living room, I will wash the towels and bath mats in the bath room, I will put the laundry pile away in the bedroom. And hopefully if I keep on top of these small jobs the overall place looks nicer. And so far it is working, as really only two rooms are looking bad, and they are always the problem rooms, but there is significant improvement, whilst also the rest of the house not getting worse in the progress of those rooms being improved. Well Done ME!

I AM IN A FAMILY: Privileged to spend time with my family on multiple occasions this month, as well as getting photographic evidence. It was nice to chat to my Nanny about what she really thought about the mother's day gifts from my parents, as that then helped me think about what to get her for her upcoming birthday. I also managed to get Nora to badminton with my other Nannie, and this was a tradition when I was little, so I like sharing this with her. Though my Nannie is not the skilled badmintonner she once was bless her. My parents are always a pleasure to have round, even though my mum will often drop by pointless things for me, and they often treat Nora with stuff too, which is nice but also is giving Nora a slightly spoilt attitude towards things. I had some of the best moments with my sister this month, as we enjoyed a drag show together, and made plans to go to a concert in Liverpool together in July. However, getting time off work for that proved difficult so I AM REALLY SORRY! We have also been on several little shopping trips which is always fun. 

I AM A PARTNER: April is usually a good time for me and Dean, as we get bonus bank holiday time, and he treats me for my birthday and our Anniversary. 7 whole years! I have been trying to make more time for Dean, because often I feel like he gets the least because he is the most understanding, and that just isn't very fair. We went on a little walk together, "enjoyed" a carvery, started watching Daredevil and Taskmaster together, and even playing the odd little game on one of our consoles. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: Huge success I turned up to my work building, in my work uniform and stayed for 2.5 hours. I have also had a couple of occupational health calls, and just general meetings to help get me back to work. So I am going to build myself up slowly over May in a phased return so watch this space to see how that plays out. 

So as I said before I cannot really think of a good word to describe this month, but I have being laying down the foundations for what I am going to try and be hopeful and say will be at the very least...a good May. Therefore the MAY GOALS ARE:

• Name 3 things I like about myself. 
• Get a picture with a friend.
• Take Nora to the park. 
• Put out my garden ornaments. 
• Do something kind for my sister.
• Spend at least one morning having a cuddle lay in. 
• Catch up with training. 

Annoyingly with the rebrand I have done, I no longer categorise my life like this, like some have clumped together, some have divided up, you know life. But that leaves me with the dilemma of breaking the consistency in the next post or just figuring out how to continue on this path with my new vibes. Well I guess we shall see and I shall See you when I see you!