May have not been that bad?

Now this month is good for the memes and jokes. May the fourth be with you, it's gonna be May, and something else that will fall into that category. But for me (imagine I said it like may though because it's funny) it is often a very confusing time because it feels like everything is happening. There is a slight element of consistency to my rebrands I take on in April, there is hope forming that actually I might make something of the year, then slowly the anxious delusion sets in that something awful will happen, what will go wrong? Then that thing goes wrong. Currently though I feel I am handling that better than I would have in previous years, which my therapist tells me is a sign I am improving. But again I am always improving, until I am not. Anyway....

I AM ELLI : The things that didn't go so well this month was naming 3 things I liked about myself. Though I can say that I have been kinder to myself, saying that I have been doing good things and all that. But I don't think I am quite ready to say there is something likeable. Another not so well thing is that I abandoned my crochet projects, however I did complete a couple of painting and cross stitches. I have felt quite well rounded this month for the different things I have done, like reading, crafting, puzzling, and playing different games. So I am hoping I can keep that up. 

I AM A FRIEND: Task to get a photo with my friends complete. though I could have gotten more, particularly one with Amy when we went to the bull for a meal later this very day, but I am still proud I have achieved a goal. This day was so long ago now, but I loved it, going to the cinema to watch The Devil Wears Prada 2, joking about pee and diet coke. Then meeting up with others for a meal. However I was getting hangry having to wait, but at least I was in good company. One of my community group pals also invited me to the cinema to see OBSESSION, and like the title I am obsessed. I loved it, and I liked spending time with this person outside of our craft bubble. I was also proud of another friend who bravely spoke up about needing some support, and I was honoured that they appreciated my help the previous time that they felt safe to ask again. I think it is a shame to think when I am in my low friendships are one to get affected the most, so I am liking that I am getting my sociability back.  

I AM A MOTHER: As per usual my time as a mother is a huge rollercoaster of emotions, as I feel like everything is lovely one day and the next I am doubting everything, believing I am messing her up and just yeah. Some downsides have been when I have really tried to advocate for my own needs and she has just not been having any of it. It gets really hard because my therapist talks to me about how most of my negative predictions won't come to light, but they can do with Nora. I can predict the meltdowns, and stress, and then it just help confirms that everything is going to be a catastrophe. Now let's turn all that on it's head with some positives. My goal was to take Nora to the park, and I completed this many a time, as hanging out at the park afterschool became a little routine. Thanks to some wonderful suggestions from Dean, I also got to take Nora on an adventure to Pleasurewood Hills, and Hemsby Beach. Lots of smiley memories are made and I hope I can have these imprinted in my brain whenever the fog tries to take over. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER: My house is still in a reasonable condition. Yeah it isn't perfect, but I have been able to keep on top of it. Even started some cleaning tasks I wouldn't normally do, like washing the windows. Dean and I also took advantage of the weather and managed to start some gardening tasks, and I put out some of my solar lights. There are more still clogging up my cupboard under the stairs but at least I had made a start. 

I AM IN A FAMILY: I am a bit worried writing about this category as I feel like I have not done anything. I mean I have. I have thought about my sister, checking in, finding cool presents I think she would like, just generally hanging out with her. I have been planning mine and mum's evening out in July, and talking to her lots about books, I have seen my dad and grandmothers. So that's good right? I don't know why I don't feel like that is enough I guess that is something I can discuss in therapy.

I AM A PARTNER: One thing I am very thankful for this month is my amazing partner Dean. I would say he is being more of a top quality partner than I am, planning awesome days out, and just being a great love and support through my challenges. There are times when I usually wake up in the morning and just go do my own thing, so I did try to take a little time to stay cuddling Dean. Even just more in general I wanted to pause and say yeah it might look lazy just cuddling my partner, but actually I am building connection. I have often tried to watch some football with him, and have been enjoying it, though I can end up falling asleep most of the time. Dean is just to cosy. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: This month I am very proud of myself for going back to work and having a pretty okay time. I have written observations, assessments, contributed to planning, had decent conversations with co-workers and completed my side quest of catching up with training! The main downside has been the not being able to function in the heat, and that appears to be my biggest trigger for stress. It is honestly a nightmare I am either too cold or too hot, and there is now calm medium. I still tired after work, but I am seeming to be better at recovering from this, though I still fear that burnout is imminent. But I feel support, I have better understanding of myself, so hopefully I can function at work. I was also pleased that I attended a staff meeting, and a work outing! I always struggle with connections as I often feel the only thing we have in common is work and nobody wants to talk about that ALL the time, but actually I find that I had a really lovely time at the baby shower we had for two of our co-workers. 

This month has felt long, has felt a lot. Like some of these events I feel like have just vanished from my brain like they happened years ago, but in a way that is good I guess. I have bene able to be more, enjoy the moments and create lots of moments, as opposed to dwelling or obsessing over the few. So how would I like to progress in June...

• Advocate for my needs 
• Start planning a friend group catch up!
• Make Nora's Birthday Special.  
• Take clutter to the charity shop
• Get something to celebrate Father's day.
• Make Dean's Birthday Special.
• Work a 10-hour shift 

See you when I see you!

Trying To Make It Not So Bad- April

Well hello there. Let's start by giving ourselves a round of applause for getting 1/4 of the way through 2026. Whether it has been pleasant or absolute hell, we are here to say we are here. So let's look back at how I got here over the past month, because it has been... it has been... well I can't really think of a good conclusive adjective. 

I AM ELLI : I would say a big theme for this month has been THE REBRAND. I just had it in my head I was going to become someone new/ truly find myself, and things were going to get better, despite what Mindless Self Indulgence likes to tell me. So I leant into my hobbies, and was also trying to test myself with techniques and things I wasn't really used to, and some turned out okay, some not so much, but I ACTUALLY COMPLETED A CROCHET PROJECT!!!! I also got back into the reading rhythm this month finishing 3 books. I had a lot of stress this month because of my impending birthday. I don't know about you, but my birthday can be triggering for me in respect to what I have achieved with my life, what will I achieve in this next year, and one of the most difficult, how will I answer "what did you do for your birthday?" Simply, I played games and ate pizza and cake. It was nice being able to get to spend time

with people I love, and having them reassure me that it was okay to not go wild celebrating just another day in the calendar year, but I have such weird expectations of what I think society would want from me. I had began therapy this month, which is always a strange experience, because I love to try and please people so often will tell the therapist what I think they want to hear, and does it actually make me better in the long run? Probably not. He has already gotten me to cry and be honest about how I felt stupid because I didn't know the answer to his question, which turns out itself could have been the answer to the question. But I overanalyse questions and answers. It has to be right, but I don't know what right is, and I find it hard to judge what you think is the right answer. It is better to just not talk sometimes.

I AM A FRIEND: I managed to have Paige and Abbie at my house this month for a little catch up which was a nice chill time. I wish people in my life were more available like that. Just come for a cuppa and a chat. PLEASE. Because how valuable the time is everything feels like it has to be some grand event but it is just so much pressure to perform. I want to be real. I want to chat to you. As part of my rebrand I am going to try and be better and checking in with my pals regularly, just gotta hope my RSD doesn't kick in. During the easter holidays I missed my community groups, and feel like this contributed towards some of the down times I faced. It doesn't feel me with much hope for the summer when I would be 6 weeks without them. No Elli do not think about it, that is still plenty of time away. Just think about April in this moment. (even though it is May as I am writing this, but the point is to reflect on April). I did tell myself that I was going to get picture proof that I actually have friends and clearly I failed at this.

I AM A MOTHER: Twas the Easter Holidays at the beginning of April, which fills me with fear. Not because I don't love spending time with my daughter, but I hate the expectation I set myself for us to have an fun filled time, and how tired I get very quickly, and how Nora will constantly act like what we have done is never enough. I did enjoy our times swimming together, going to various parks. We played a LOT of barbie. I was also very proud of myself for solo hosting a playdate for Nora and her school friend. I think I had done a good job of balancing fun and preparing her to go back to school. I just also filled with a lot of self doubt because when I would try to explain to her my feelings it just feels like it isn't validated, and I know she is 6 so then I feel guilty that I am expecting a lot from my 6 year old, but it is really hard to try and be kind with your internal voice when external voices are contradicting. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER:  I am actually really proud of myself for the steps I have taken in terms of household jobs and whatnot. I knew I wanted to begin sorting the summer house, so that started with getting rid of a big pile of clothes that Nora and I grew out of and I just never got round to taking them anywhere, but I got a whole £1.50 for them at Cash4Clothes. I also had piles of Nora's old toys and books collecting because I always felt they were too good to just throw away, and I wanted someone to make use of them. So I went back onto my Vinted account. I have made a bit of money so far which empowered me to declutter more things that I don't really get joy from anymore. But I have also given myself a limit of what doesn't sell by the end of May it will just go to a charity shop, because IT NEEDS TO BE OUT OF MY SPACE. I have also tried to divide up my house so I can keep on top of tidying it all as opposed to the worst areas, and that overwhelms me and I avoid doing anything. So I gave each section a day, and I have to spend at least 10 minutes in that day doing some kind of task to improve it. Like I will clean the windows in the living room, I will wash the towels and bath mats in the bath room, I will put the laundry pile away in the bedroom. And hopefully if I keep on top of these small jobs the overall place looks nicer. And so far it is working, as really only two rooms are looking bad, and they are always the problem rooms, but there is significant improvement, whilst also the rest of the house not getting worse in the progress of those rooms being improved. Well Done ME!

I AM IN A FAMILY: Privileged to spend time with my family on multiple occasions this month, as well as getting photographic evidence. It was nice to chat to my Nanny about what she really thought about the mother's day gifts from my parents, as that then helped me think about what to get her for her upcoming birthday. I also managed to get Nora to badminton with my other Nannie, and this was a tradition when I was little, so I like sharing this with her. Though my Nannie is not the skilled badmintonner she once was bless her. My parents are always a pleasure to have round, even though my mum will often drop by pointless things for me, and they often treat Nora with stuff too, which is nice but also is giving Nora a slightly spoilt attitude towards things. I had some of the best moments with my sister this month, as we enjoyed a drag show together, and made plans to go to a concert in Liverpool together in July. However, getting time off work for that proved difficult so I AM REALLY SORRY! We have also been on several little shopping trips which is always fun. 

I AM A PARTNER: April is usually a good time for me and Dean, as we get bonus bank holiday time, and he treats me for my birthday and our Anniversary. 7 whole years! I have been trying to make more time for Dean, because often I feel like he gets the least because he is the most understanding, and that just isn't very fair. We went on a little walk together, "enjoyed" a carvery, started watching Daredevil and Taskmaster together, and even playing the odd little game on one of our consoles. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: Huge success I turned up to my work building, in my work uniform and stayed for 2.5 hours. I have also had a couple of occupational health calls, and just general meetings to help get me back to work. So I am going to build myself up slowly over May in a phased return so watch this space to see how that plays out. 

So as I said before I cannot really think of a good word to describe this month, but I have being laying down the foundations for what I am going to try and be hopeful and say will be at the very least...a good May. Therefore the MAY GOALS ARE:

• Name 3 things I like about myself. 
• Get a picture with a friend.
• Take Nora to the park. 
• Put out my garden ornaments. 
• Do something kind for my sister.
• Spend at least one morning having a cuddle lay in. 
• Catch up with training. 

Annoyingly with the rebrand I have done, I no longer categorise my life like this, like some have clumped together, some have divided up, you know life. But that leaves me with the dilemma of breaking the consistency in the next post or just figuring out how to continue on this path with my new vibes. Well I guess we shall see and I shall See you when I see you!

100 Questions No-One Asks

Why hello there. I keep saying to myself that I need to make some kind of record of my progress, almost create a learning journey for myself like I would for children at the nursery I work at. Because maybe if I see myself more like this 3rd party entity I might actually provide myself with better care. But I never really knew where to start. This blog is my safe space and probably is the best thing I have as some kind of log of my life, and it hit me. I used to post Q&A's a lot back in the day when they were all the rage. And many years have passed in those so why not revisit the questions. And like I said I have done a lot of them in the past, so I have a few to go through.
Let's cast our minds back to December 2013, when I posted Answer a Bunch of Questions Tag. Which was me following a trend. Shocking. Interestingly I didn't originally answer all the questions (or apparently post what those even would have been) because I didn't find them applicable to my life, but I was curious and thought that maybe they apply now, so I went on a google deep dive, and luckily I found the original 100 question tag in the shallow waters. So copy paste and here we go.

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

I think I would like my door to be closed, but usually something sticks out and prevents it from fully shutting. I really should though because my cat likes to go inside and leave her floof on all my clothes. ( I didn't answer this previously because I had a tiny box room which was literally just a bed and a small unit I had a TV on), but then again I want to help power Monstropolis. 

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Oh I can finally answer this now because I have stayed in hotels, but sadly my answer is quite boring as I don't take them, and if anything I bring my own along with me...

3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? So I think this just depends on my mood, because if I get hot I like to have one of my limbs sticking out, but I know I don't like to lay down without something covering at least a part of my body. More than most I would lay on my side and have the duvet tucked around the leg on top so the lower leg is just sandwiched between the duvet and the mattress.

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before? I didn't even think this was something people do. I am trying to think how I would even go about this.

5. Do you like to use post-it notes? I love to buy cute post it notes, I like to think I love using post it notes. I am terrible at using post it notes. I need a note to remind myself to write the note and then check the note. But I guess that's my ADHD.

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? These don't really come about anymore, but I always read things and consider it when I come across one, but more than likely they never seem to be for things I would actually want/need. Now a coupon for my mortgage would be lovely.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? My answer is still the same of a big bear. But I could probably elaborate more on the reasoning now. Like a swarm of bees would be extremely overstimulating. The sound, the visuals, the touch from all the stings. Ugh. Even if they don't get close to me just being near enough feels like it would be too much. But a bear. I would like to cuddle a bear. Would be a good way to go.

8. Do you have freckles? I still maintain my seasonal freckles argument. For some reason my skin complexation alters in the summer to show the freckles.

9. Do you always smile for pictures? I get very paranoid about pictures. I used to pull weird little faces, my dad would always comment on the stupid faces I would make, so I tried naturally smiling more, but then I start hating how my face looks (double chins and all that), and I also start analysing how natural it looks, like will people see the pain in my eyes, or think I am trying to hard, does the amount of smile adequately match the context for the rest of the image.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve? I think this still remains the same, like abbreviations of words or phrases being used. Don't get me wrong I used to do it a lot. Telling people on MSN that I'll BRB and then follow it up with a WYD, or when I had the old phone when you had to numerously press the number key to get the correct letter, compared to having the entire keyboard easily accessible. I think there are too many now, and you keep seeing people get confused by the meaning. Like thinking LOL is Lots of Love and not Laugh out Loud.

11. Do you ever count your steps when you walk? I don't tend to, and I think it is mainly because of how easily distracted I get, so when I try, something happens and I lose it. I did for a bit have a fit bit and had that count steps for me. I think I would become a bit obsessed with the numbers, like if it wasn't the right amount I would not be happy. I have started playing a little game with my daughter though where she directs me home from the school, and I count the number of steps she says (mainly because it never goes very high, and we count together so there is less forgetting).

12. Have you ever peed in the woods? Now I am not sure exactly how much it counts as the woodlands, but I took more of the woodland like walk home from clubbing once and desperately had to go.

13. What about pooped in the woods? That is a definitive no. Mainly because I don't spend lots of time in the woods.

14. Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? All the time, and it is probably more because even if you can't hear the music, there is always music in my mind.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils? A lot, and I really have to remind myself not to do so when I am borrowing a pen from other people.

16. How many people have you slept with this week? I am in a happy monogamist relationship so just the one.

17. What size is your bed? I think just a standard double.

18. What is your song of the week? What a good question. According to Spotify it is Science Fiction/Double Feature from The Rocky Horror Picture show. Which is indeed a classic. I think my internal song has been When The Sun Goes Down by The Arctic Monkeys, mainly because I like saying "wat a scummy man" in the accent. Curious what my previous answer was...bare with while I check even though that isn't how blogging words...Girl All The Bad Guys Want by Bowling For Soup. I like the theme that none of these are modern songs... 

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink? As long as it is Wednesday (classic Mean Girls reference there). But honestly ANYONE CAN WEAR WHATEVER COLOUR THEY WANT!

20. Do you still watch cartoons? Yes, they are a comfort, they are cute, and if it isn't even my choice my daughter will force me to watch some with her anyway. I got her to watch The Totally Spies Movie the other day and I felt very proud about myself as a positive parent influence.

21. What’s your least favourite movie? I mean there are SO MANY MOVIES! I would say 2001 A Space Oddyessy. I am told it is a classic, but I just couldn't sit through it, I had to turn it off, and if you know me you know it takes A LOT for me to refuse watching a movie until the end.

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? Something I have learned as I have gotten older is anywhere quickly becomes hidden to myself. On numerous occasions I have been doing a sort out and found huge chunks of money stuffed between books or folders etc, so I would say there but now I have said that you would all know where to look and I need me treasure.

23. What do you drink with dinner? I would say 83% of the time you will find me drinking a cuppa tea.

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in? I don't eat nuggets. Even vegetarian versions. Probably because I consumed my lifetimes worth as a small child.
 

25. What is your favourite food? PIZZA. It is always Pizza, but proud of myself for becoming more experimental with toppings. You know to switch it up. One day pizza, another vegetable the next quorn pepperoni.

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love? The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Edward Scissorhands, Love Actually, The Princess Diaries, The Little Mermaid, Kpopp Demon Hunters, the list goes on.

27. Last person you kissed/kissed you? My wonderful partner Dean.

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout? No, I feel like I should have gone to brownies considering my last name is Brown.

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Trust me nobody want's to see that. And I will NEVER have the confidence in myself to do that.

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? Actually it was the other month, I had written a letter to my manager, I mean it wasn't an official written letter that I sent off with a postage stamp (not sure I have ever actually done that) but I would say it comes close enough.

31. Can you change the oil on a car? I mean I can, whether or not I have done it correctly is the question you should be asking.

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Nope, I do not drive, even when I had lessons she would constantly tell me to put my foot down so I do not think I would get one.

33. Ever ran out of gas? No I fart like a trooper (sorry that was probably TMI but I couldn't relate this to driving. Actually I could relate it to the gas that drives myself, in which case I technically have because I reached burn out and couldn't function anymore. My Body Ran Out Of Gas. 

34. Favourite kind of sandwich? I am pretty boring when it comes to sandwiches, like I would just put in a Quorn product. But Toasties, I am starting to be a bit more creative with.

35. Best thing to eat for breakfast? Love a crumpet, pop some Nutella on that and we are in for a good day.

36. What is your usual bedtime? I go to bed somewhere between 9 and 10pm, but when I go to sleep is an entirely different question.

37. Are you lazy? I used to label myself as this so much, it has caused a lot of self hatred for myself, because NO I AM NOT LAZY I HAVE ADHD.
  

38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? I had this cat costume that I tried to cram myself into for far too long. If not I was a witch. I still am a witch. WITCHY FOR LIFE.

39. What is your Chinese astrological sign? I believe I am the OX.

40. How many languages can you speak? I can speak English, and I can say the odd phrase or word in Russian, French, German, Spanish, and Japanese.

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Nope.

42. Which are better, legos or lincoln dogs? I am not sure what Lincoln "dogs" are but I imagine it is meant to say logs which honestly I also do not have much experience with. I would have to go with lego, or at least the cheaper knock off versions people get me.

43. Are you stubborn? Very, and I have passed this trait onto my daughter, so the house gets pretty fun sometimes.

44. Who is better, Leno or Letterman? I don't really know who either of them are, I have heard the names, but couldn't tell you much, so I will try to rephrase the question to more applicable people to me. Norton or Ross? I would have to say Norton as I find Ross really up himself and annoying. But honestly I do not engage much with this type of TV anyway. Norton on RuPaul's Drag Race UK though.

45. Ever watch soap operas? I used to religiously watch Eastenders, but my own life sometimes feels enough like an opera. I think the pressure of committing every day is too much, and the stories just feel so forced and repetitive sometimes. I don't mind reading about them, or I like to still tune in for the Christmas episodes, or when they do things like crossovers or live filming.
 

46. Are you afraid of heights? Yes, I thought maybe I would be better, but if anything it is worse. Did I ever mention the story of how I was stuck in a tree for an hour because I didn't want to take the zip line down. I am proud that I went on a big rollercoaster, though from the photographical evidence I would say I am afraid...

47. Do you sing in the car? Singing is my safety, so if I am in a car with people I trust I will be singing you the song, performing the instrumentals, and giving you the show you deserve.

48. Do you sing in the shower? I don't really take showers (mainly because trying to get the temperature right is a pain so I just have baths, but I will sing there.

49. Do you dance in the car? Again if I feel safe around the people in the car I will be moving and grooving.

50. Ever used a gun? Paint, Water, Laser and Hot Glue.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I one when my daughter was born, and even though it was mainly her there was a picture of both of us, I didn't purchase a copy of that exact picture though, but I think it counts.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Yes, but I love a musical. Just bursting out into a jaunty tune.

53. Is Christmas stressful? Yes. I create such high expectations, put so much pressure on myself to ensure everyone else is having a great time, but am I having a great time?

54. Ever eat a pierogi? No but after a google, I think if I found one with the right filling I might enjoy it.

55. Favourite type of fruit pie? Probably just a simple apple, though I am more a crumble girly.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A teacher, and I am kind of that just for smaller smaller children.

57. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. I want to believe in a lot of things, I love to be curious. I just think they are there going about their own thing, watching the stories of their loved ones unfold.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? I get it an awful lot.

59. Take a vitamin daily? I do, because I believe it will make me better. Not seeing much results. But then again maybe I would be worse than I currently am without them, now that would be a sight.

60. Wear slippers? Sometimes, I change between slippers or those cosy socks.

61. Wear a bath robe? Only on special occasions like hotel stays.
 

62. What do you wear to bed? Pyjamas that have some form of nostalgic character on them.

63. First concert? Mindless Self Indulgence, and technically still my only real concert to date. I have been to smaller gigs for local bands at a pub or something. I am going to see My Chemical Romance later this year though which will be exciting.

64. Wal-Mart, Target, or Kmart? Now I don't really have experience with these so we will return to another adaptation. B&M, Home Bargains or Poundland? Truthfully I like to alternate between these because you never know what fun thing you might find. But I think I end up in Home Bargains more often than the others. I just looked back on when I last answered this and I changed it to ASDA, Tesco or Sainsburys and it is interesting that I have now changed my answer to ASDA.

65. Nike or Adidas? Again I do not really know enough to form an opinion. I know both I probably don't pronounce correctly. So I will do Doc Martens, or Converse? And this mainly depends on the time of year, because for the colder months you will see me in nothing but my comfy boots, but they don't tend to go with my summery outfits.

66. Cheetos or Fritos? Controversial but I don't like crisp products. I know, I know. So we will go with Chocolate or Sweets? Chocolate will win, but sometimes I do get real cravings for fruit pastels.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Nuts for Peanuts.

68. Ever heard of the group Tres Bien? Nope, now it is time for me to deep dive into this group. Yeah no not my vibe.

69. Ever take dance lessons? No, I think it would be cool to be able to dance properly, but I think I would be too embarrassed if I don't pick it up right away.

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Well I am hoping my future spouse is my current one, and I don't mind what he does as long as he is happy with it. When I answered this in the past I put about how I didn't want them to do anything to businessy and that describes my partners job.

71. Can you curl your tongue? No. And yes I did just try and pull really weird faces in hope I could finally achieve it.

72. Ever won a spelling bee? Nope.

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes.

74. Own any record albums? Sadly not.

75. Own a record player? Sadly not.

76. Regularly burn incense? No, but I do enjoy the scenty smells. I have candles.

77. Ever been in love? I would be very surprised if what I feel for my partner isn't being in love.

78. Who would you like to see in concert? Fall Out Boy
  

79. What was the last concert you saw? As I kind of mentioned in a previous questions concerts are not really things I have been a part of, so instead I will just open it up to performances. The last performance I saw was KATE BUTCH Choose your own Cabaret. It was incredible.

80. Hot tea or cold tea? Hot Tea because I am a Hottie.

81. Tea or coffee? Tea all the way. I really tried to get into coffee because I adore the smell, but the taste just does not agree with me.

82. Sugar or snickerdoodles? Are these like biscuits? After a google Snickerdoodles do sound rather interesting. But I can enjoy a boring biscuit from time to time. 84. Can you swim well? Enough to get places but not win races.

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yeah, is this not common?

85. Are you patient? Depends on what I am having to be patient for, and who I am with, because sometimes I can put on my mask and seem like yeah everything is cool, and sometimes I can become very agitated and because of therapy and such I have tried to adjust my mind set that not everything is a big deal, or I try to find ways to make the waiting more bearable.

86. DJ or band at a wedding? As long as the band can play any song on request, but give there own twist to it, because sometimes I enjoy a good cover song, but if they were playing originals I didn't know. Like even if it was a famous band like Fall Out Boy, I wouldn't want just Fall Out Boy songs, I like variety.

87. Ever won a contest? No I have little talent or skills.

88. Ever have a plastic surgery? No, but I would like to. I know everyone should be comfortable with the body they have yadda yadda yadda, but I have extreme hatred at how overweight I am and I just can't get into the rhythms and routines to not be obese. And it doesn't help that my comfort is eating, so when I feel down about my body I eat my feelings, thus making it all worse.

89. Which are better, black or green olives? Probably black. Neither are particularly great but I think I am better with a black olive when I do eat them.  

90. Can you knit or crochet? Well, I have actually started practicing crochet, and I can do it, just not well.

91. Best room for a fireplace? I have one in my living room, and I think it is where they look the best, you have a mantel and it gives big family homes vibes. Though I hate when it is windy and you can hear it travelling around the chimney, so the best room is none of them.

92. Do you want to get married? I had always wanted to get married. I thought that was the thing, house marriage kids. But my life has not worked out that way. So it feels less important. Like my partner already feels like a husband, we just don't have the rings and piece of paper, but we own a house together, we raise a child, we work as a team to keep each other going. Wedding's are expensive. So if it works out that we can get married I wouldn't turn him down, but as long as he is always by my side I don't need the official WIFE title.

93. If married, how long have you been married? I am not married but we have been together for 7 years now.

94. Who was your HS crush? I had A LOT of crushes in high school. Most of which developed into those little relationships where you mainly say you are boyfriend and girlfriend and go to the cinema together but never really much else (well for me at least). To list them all would be pointless.

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? When I was a child I used to. And when with my ex I would try to again. But I learnt that it doesn't get you anywhere. I have a lot of internal meltdowns, but I mainly give in to people pleasing now, but that can lead to it's own problems. I think people need to find that healthy middle ground of advocating for their way but also not creating a big drama about it. But I guess that comes from the others involved. When you are around people who are co-operative and compromising you don't feel the need to scream and fight.  

96. Do you have kids? I have one beautiful daughter.

97. Do you want kids? I had always wanted to be a mother, and I love being a mother. But I also hate it. I hate how draining it is for me. I hate all the guilt. I hate the giant expectation I set for myself, and the constant doubt that I am good enough. I hate having to try and regulate her emotions when I have no idea how to handle my own. I hate how I can feel both suffocated by her but also want her to be with me when she isn't there. Parenting is tough. But also I want to do it again with my partner.

98. What’s your favourite colour? Blue, but my daughter is really getting me around to the ideal that Teal is the ultimate colour.

99. Do you miss anyone right now? Currently as I am sat home alone, I miss everyone, for different reasons, in different ways. But mainly I miss myself. I miss the person I used to be somewhat proud of, because I don't get to see her very often.

100. Who would you want to answer all these questions next? Anyone who wants to, I am not going to name anyone specifically. 

Well done to anyone who sat and read through all of that. As I always say these posts are not for the entertainment of anyone, I just like to think there is someone reading who can hold me accountable for promises I make, or I can feel like maybe when I help myself by writing these I can also be helping others, because then it makes me more likely to help myself. But this was fun, and therapeutic almost, trying to uncover a bit more about me that doesn't feel stressful, like work or money, or health. Just tea or coffee?

Shall I do more?

See you when I see you!

It Was Really That Bad- March

I really do not want to look back at this month because my feelings about it are all negative. But tis the point of the post to try and see that everything isn't as gloomy as my mind wants me to believe, so let's try to look at some of the light. 

I AM ELLI : I spent a lot of this month kind of hating myself, hating how I looked, how I acted, and the easiest way to describe what I wanted to do was REBRAND. I had the urge to cut my hair, change my name, change the way I dress and how I live my life. There were also brief moments of just ending it and letting reincarnation do all the hard work, but that isn't a realistic approach to living. So I settled with chopping off my hair. Like full where the fuck has my hair gone. I hate it, my partner hates it, my daughter hates it, and it is a very good life lesson to not listen to those impulses and intrusive thoughts your brain sends you. But hair grows right? And to be fair at some angles, in some photos I don't think I look that bad. I also tried to tackle my Finch app in a new direction. I used to have my categories and almost try to achieve lots. Do more to feel more and all that crap, but actually it became like dull tapping that eventually had no meaning, so now I am trying to achieve fewer goals, but take more time to reflect on those and how I felt. Let's see how long that lasts. Like the breathing exercises I said I would do last month, I did some... I was able to achieve some wins, by finishing a book, and completing my fossil collection in animal crossing. I have been very into drawing/painting and it had nothing to do with the fact I got myself some new dual tip watercolour pens. Also got back into puzzling, but I went back to my old habit of hyperfocus until complete and it kind of loses all it's calming qualities because I try to rush to finish it so I can feel accomplished and not also feel I had wasted an entire day. 

I AM A FRIEND: I was really excited to spend a night out with all my friends, but annoyingly exhaustion hit, and considering how the last one went I just felt it was best if I didn't attend. Especially as this was to celebrate Abbie's birthday and she doesn't need me bringing down the vibes. Though I do regret not going because it might have been just the kind of escapism I needed. But we live and learn. I was still a frequent goer of my community groups, and managed to have a great conversation with someone about our favourite films and we learnt a bit about each other's interest in that conversation. I also was able to have a few good conversation with my parent friends, and I even felt like I had a little gang at one point. 

I AM A MOTHER: Now considering it was the month of being a mother and all (because it contained mother's day, did I need to explain that?) I have felt extremely weak in this area. Now if you look at the collage I put together you would question this. Look how happy we both are. Which is almost what makes my feelings towards myself worse. So I try to give Nora everything, probably because I feel so guilty that we spend every other week apart, I convince myself I have to give all my energy to her when I do see her. Which when you are trying to keep up with the energy levels of a 6 year old, who wants to run, dance, play, sing, and all things overwhelming and overstimulating for a neurodiverse mum, you soon drain. Then I get irritable, then feel guilty for feeling that way. Then she gets grumpy and I get annoyed at her for not being grateful for what I do for her, and then I get angry at myself for being annoyed at her. I love how much she wants to spend time with me, but I also wish she could just develop a little independence so I can catch my breath without feeling guilty. Like the main way I get a little rest is because we have both pushed each other to breaking point, and it shouldn't be like that. Any advice?

I AM A HOMEOWNER: Wow I actually did complete a goal I set myself in last month's post. Nora's room became spotless! Not only did I clear the toys off the floor but I organised the space so it is easier for us to tidy up after ourselves. Which we all know is easier said than done and I give it until the end of the Easter holidays for it to be an unbearable disaster again. The beginning of the month my house slowly turned from crap to worse, and I think it was because I was burning out, so I tried to not only look after myself but my home, just breaking down the tasks a bit more so they do not seem so overwhelming. Plus finch had this fun spring cleaning set of tasks which definitely help me get in the spirit. 

I AM IN A FAMILY: Rather successful this month, as I spent lots of time with my parents, sister and grandmothers. Funnily enough my goal was to celebrate my mum and despite spending quite a bit of time with her/on the phone to her there is no photographic evidence that I even saw her. But that is how she likes it I think. She rings me up regularly to check in and I am very grateful to that, even more grateful that she understands when I ignore the calls because I have lost all ability to speak. We went out for a nice family meal to celebrate mothers day. I say nice, the parent's argued and the venue wasn't the best, but we tried! One of my favourite moments this month was mine and my sisters cinema trip. It was a much needed piece of escapism and reminded me that most of the time I need an escape Hariette is always very good at providing those. Like next month we are going to a drag show! 

I AM A PARTNER: As before I wanted to continue on my mission to give Dean more of my time. Which felt like a challenge at first due to how tired I was, and then I got scared of communicating to him my feelings because you know Rejection Dysphoria. But time and time again he proves that he is my biggest support, and I am very lucky to have him. For ages he had been talking about this burger place so we finally tried it, and I liked the vibes in this place, there was a framed picture of Keanu Reeves surrounded by Sylvanian family figures. In terms of the food, I highly agree amazing burgers (mine was veggie) but the chips could have been better. I also tried my first margarita drink which was very strong, and I made the mistake of just licking the salt off the rim, but it created some fun for our date. Then we decided to go to tradition and get dessert at Sundaes Gelato.

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: I am probably the worst employee on the planet as I have had to take yet more time off for my mental health. Can we just skip over this area....

So, you know what, despite what the title suggests (and I hope you noticed it was different to the last two) this month wasn't terrible. But there was a lot of overwhelming feelings, and even just no feeling at all. Which can be quite terrifying. At the minute I am just taking every day as it comes. Trying to listen to what I need in that moment and doing it, and trying to be open and honest so that others can understand and accept, but probably more so I can understand and accept. I think a lot of my issues come from my perceptions of myself and giving myself such a high expectation for what I should be doing on a daily basis. And ultimately I just need to remind myself that what I am doing is fine. It is enough. Some days are easier to remind myself of this than others. 

Anywho... some unachievable goals anyone?

• Complete a craft project. 
• Celebrate my birthday with my friends. 
• Make fun memories with Nora in the Easter Holidays. 
• Begin to tidy the summer house. 
• Do something kind for my sister.
• Celebrate my 7 year anniversary with Dean
• Actually turn up to work. 

If you made it this far, congratulations. Because honestly I wouldn't want to read through all the nonsense I put together in an attempt to improve my mental wellbeing. You know what well done to me for keeping this up for the third month in a row!

See you when I see you!

My Recovery Journey: Burnout

Unlike Miss Roan I am not burnt out from loving an alcoholic ejection of mass. But singing that lyric
repeatedly helps me to tell people that Burnt Out is exactly how I am feeling. 

BUT WHAT IS IT?

How does one even begin to explain the complexity of the human body and mind? I just know I need to somehow put it into a form of communication so that I can actually start to get support and recover from this debilitating phenomenon. (You can tell I have Chappell in my head because it's a what? A FEMININOMENON! But that is not me in any way suggesting that burnout is just for the females). 

I believe anyone can burnout. I like to picture a lighter, and you keep clicking it, and it does the little spark but there is no significant flame. And you just keep trying and trying hopeful the next click will get you movin' and groovin'. ACTUALLY scrap that I have a better analogy. Small tangent time: The other day I turned the light on in my living room, and said to my partner that we needed to change the bulb, and he was like is it not coming on. No the light turned on but it made no difference to the brightness in the room (which for a light sensitive autistic girly that wasn't actually the worst thing). So on paper yes that bulb was working, but was that work effective, was the light being produced enough to the societal standards to be considered healthy functioning. 

I am that bulb. I would turn on, turn up, and hope no-one notices how dull I actually am. But it doesn't just end there. Because I have to become brighter so I don't get replaced, so I try adding things. Maybe if I try to hold all of these other tiny lamps I will make them think that I am bright enough. Oh I have run out of lamps, what could I set on fire to create light? Wait that's dangerous. 

And burnout is dangerous. People say you can't fill a cup when you are an empty jug. And no matter how many times I pretend to drink from an empty cup because I don't want the embarrassment has nothing to do with this so I am not really sure why I am adding this to the post. Especially as I can just edit this, and remove it before I even hit publish, but I feel like that is actually a form of masking and I am trying to do less of that. 

What were we talking about again?

The worst thing about burnout is that you can't really put a time frame on the healing (I'm telling you that from experience). Yet it feels like everyone is expecting you to put an estimation on when you will be that fully functional light bulb again. Like we've kept you off for a day so surely you can be a bit brighter now. But it isn't that simple. I told myself that if I have this day to rest I can continue tomorrow. And yeah sometimes that works. But when you are truly choked up, face down, burnt out. It isn't enough. You are still exhausted, and then feel guilty for feeling exhausted, then exhausted from feeling guilty, and exhausted from the exhaustion. The main way I can tell that I am feeling this way is because I feel heavy. Like there is some force (stronger than normal gravity) pulling my whole body down, like it wants me to sink fully into the floor and down to hell. And I actually feel that weight, I feel the pain. And if I try to avoid it, get through JUST TRY HARDER, my body starts screaming. Well you didn't listen to the pain, have some nausea, have some intrusive self harm thoughts, have this feeling like you chest is fluttering because there is a giant butterfly in there trying to break it's way out. So can I actually do anything anyway? No. And what I do tends to go wrong. 

And guess what, I can't afford for things to go wrong. Therefore I need to try and navigate the scary unknown of what actually helps me to recover from burnout, and then what can prevent a relapse. Because I have had many of those. Ultimately I think that is because I have never truly understood what I experience. I didn't use to know that I was burnt out. I was told it was depression and to cure depression you have to do more to feel more. They call it BEHAVIOURAL ACTIVATION. But if anything that is detrimental to the burnouts. My doctor has told me that I actually just need to rest, and that can take as long as it takes. I need to think as if I have a broken leg and I wouldn't just get up and run a marathon. But at least with a broken leg I can go to people LOOK LOOK AT MY CAST THIS IS WHY I CANNAE WALK RIGHT NOW. Whereas I have no real visual representation of my limitation aside from watching me fall asleep at 7pm, because I have just lost all energy for the day, and then continue to sleep for the night and not want to wake up in the morning. 

I need a special looking plaster to attach to my head. Sorry this brain is out of order right now. To be honest my brain always feels out of order, but going down that rabbit hole is not what we want to accomplish today Alice. Today we are resting. Well currently we are blogging, but once I have ejected all of this mass I think my brain can switch off and go to sleep.

Wish me luck!

See you when I see you!

Was It So Bad? - February

Hello, and the question on everybody's lips is, was February so bad? Yes, Yes it was. 

Okay to be fair to the month it could have been a HELL of a lot worse, but it definitely had it's shit learning moments let me tell you. So let's just crack on shall we?

I AM ELLI : I think somewhere along the month I had forgotten to be kind to myself. Maybe it had something to do with my PIP application and having to write about all of my struggles just gave me a sense of what is the point? How can anyone like me? I just suck as a human being. Then to make matters worse I felt like I almost became cursed. I got this really bad cold, fell down the stairs, just felt exhausted all the time, and lost joy in my usual things I find joy in. But I will be kind to myself now. I coped. I tried to advocate for myself taking a few days off work to look after my health. I tried to speak up more to different people about how I am feeling when I am feeling it. I have also made some positive choices. I was able to get the PIP application done, I was able to create some cool nail art, and finish some different crafty projects. I even completed my goal to play a game other than animal crossing, and for a solid 2 days played some Tekken. I have also laid down some bricks to improve this area of my life into March. 

I AM A FRIEND: I actually managed to meet up with my inner circle in February, SUCCESS! However it came with it's trials. I think because of how often I see them (which is not as often as I would like) I put a lot of pressure on these precious moments, and in the week building up to the occasion pushed me to a breaking point, and my headspace went, and I just think the evening was not as it should have been. I don't want to be the person who always moans, but I think I am just tired of holding my tongue sometimes. I know I shouldn't need them to constantly reassure me that they are my friends and want to hang out with me, but my rejection dysphoric brain finds it very challenging sometimes. Another bonus of this meet was we have arranged some future hang outs, so I don't need to feel the pressure to organise when we will next get together. I also had a pretty good evening hanging out with Dean's friends, who I am slowly associating as my friends (well the partners of his friends at least) and we went for unlimited pizza and they are understanding of my weird needs, and even though they all talk about their time in school and I can't relate because I went somewhere else, we could still find things to discuss, and I didn't feel too awkward. Sadly I got no photos of any of these meets, so you will just have to trust other people were actually there and it wasn't just in my head, but enjoy the selfies I took of me at the places. In terms of my newer forming friendships I have continued to be pretty successful, going to people's houses to hang out, having little hot chocolate meet ups. 

I AM A MOTHER: Being a mother is probably one of my most difficult areas of life, and this month definitely highlighted that. Again I think it falls to creating a high expectation, so with the half term holidays I was like, yeah we are going to have the most fun. Then illness hit, and meltdowns start, and the spiral of thinking whether I am enough for her, and it is exhausting having to try and constantly affirm myself when she is telling me I don't love her because I am too tired to play 5 more minutes of Barbies, despite having already played for an hour, and having taken her to a friends house and soft play the day before. But then she will become the cutest little being ever saying she never wants to be apart from me, and is really appreciative of the little gifts I make her. A parenting win I did face was after a conversation I had with her teacher who said now Nora has started wearing ear defenders in class, she is actually becoming a lot more focused, so I am pleased that I am able to become aware of her needs and try to get support for her, so that she doesn't feel the need to mask and internally struggle like I had. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER: I am slowly noticing while some areas of my house are improving, others are becoming extremely overwhelming. My method tends to be to pick an area to tidy, take all the things that don't belong there into a different room and tell myself I will sort that room next when my energy comes back. But slowly if anything it just keeps being added to and I just walk in there to start doing something and become paralysed by it all. I am talking about the summer house and Nora's bedroom. We just have so much stuff. And I would like to get rid of all the stuff but some of it is pretty decent stuff so I don't want to just throw it out but also I do not have the mental capacity to organise selling or giving it away. I have also finally killed my last remaining houseplant this month, so I will just have to settle for my fake block bouquet. A positive of this month was I successfully got my cats to the vets. Shadow is never usually an issue, except when she is there she likes going on missions to find hiding spots so I have to try and awkwardly fish her out from them. Spirit becomes an anxious mess, which makes me an anxious mess. So after overturned furniture, panic wees across my living room floor, and constant fear he is going to bite me like he did that one time. I managed to get him to the vet with no injury, and they were able to complete more of an assessment compared to last time because he let me hold him to put him on the weighing scale. The amount of love I get from my fur babies is definitely a highlight for the month. Oh shit I never got that bedside table, well let's forget that was ever a goal...

I AM IN A FAMILY: As I am relatively lucky my relatives live close by I do not find this area that challenging. Well the main challenge can come from when my family irritates the hell out of me, but isn't that all families? This month in particular my sister got a little under my skin, she asked for help with her neurodiverse assessment forms and I was like of course I will help but also you didn't help me much with mine, and if anything I actually felt a bit dismissed during my process that she didn't think I would be diagnosed. I don't know. The other thing was I just didn't find her helpful when I had particularly challenging days with Nora. It is like every member of my family has to be the one who knows best, and try to overly please my daughter, and it's great they want her to be happy, but it doesn't teach her particularly great life values if that makes sense. Anyway enough moaning. A win for February was I finally got around to seeing my Nanny, as this can be a challenge as she is always busy for someone who never leaves the house, but it was good to go to hers for a cuppa, some gingernut biscuits and a good ol' chat. My other Nannie also made us a lovely roast dinner for Valentine's day, so I am a pretty lucky grandchild. 

I AM A PARTNER: I hope Dean felt the love this month. We had a lovely date night, where I thrashed him at the game dominoes, had a mediocre meal, but delicious desserts, and got to hang out with his friends. Even when we just stayed home I tried to give him more of my attention, putting my phone down to cuddle up, making each other meals, and playing games TOGETHER compared to apart. We renewed our contract in February (an ongoing joke from our very first conversation) so he is stuck with me for yet another year. He made me smile on the so called Valentine's day because we agreed not to get each other anything. Then the night before I decided to make him a card to show my appreciation, plus I found a card on Thortful thought it was hilarious but didn't want to pay £6 for a piece of card, so I just copied the design myself. Anyway, when I presented him with the card he puts on a show "OH we said we weren't getting each other things, I didn't get you anything I feel bad, why would you do this?" And then seconds later re-enters the room with his pre-bought gift and card. THAT IS WHY DEAN. I know him too well to not get me even a small token of Valentine appreciation no matter how much we agree. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: Work is always going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. I was hopeful because I had some annual leave, and had been building up the hours over the year that I could return to my official business hours, but alas that not be the case. Illness hit, depression hit, falling down the stairs, lack of confidence, and just constant overstimulation by my work environment. But I do feel a little hopeful from my conversations with my manager, and she is trying to reduce my hours again in March to try and keep me on a level playing field, which I truly appreciate. And in terms of the goal I set, I didn't fully catch up with the training but I went from being like 9 courses behind to 3 so I will take that as a win.

So, February was a short month of chaos, but we do not need to dwell on the past. Let us now March forward (HAHAHA I'm so Punny). I would say this month my focus area should be a little more to myself and ensuring I don't relapse again due to low self esteem and lack of confidence. Just how exactly to do that is the question... but let's give some targets a try:

• Do some mindful breathing exercises. 
• To have a 1:1 chat with one of my friends to build connection.
• Be present for Nora's school events. 
• Tidy Nora's bedroom!
• Celebrate my mum for mother's day. 
• Support Dean with household chores. 
• Plan a fun activity to carry out with the kids at work. 

Well once again thank you imaginary people for holding me somewhat accountable, as if I wasn't to document this anywhere I would just not bother, and honestly sometimes that sounds ideal. No Elli NO we are improving our wellbeing!

See you when I see you!

Was It So Bad? - January

I need to be more reflective, not like a mirror, though being shiny would be fun. But more looking back and actually thinking was it so bad? Because I think it keeps the realism  that not everything is hunkydory like the social medias like us to believe. True reflection is seeing the positive and negative and using all the information to move forward, and I want to keep moving forward, so let's go back to the past! 

Yes it makes complete sense, shut up.

In previous posts such as thus, I have tried to do it chronologically, then get muddled go on tangents and end up forgetting when things happened. And why it truly mattered I will never know because no-one here is fact checking my work, I am not going to be punished for saying something happened one day when it was really another, yet my brain insists it needs to be correct. I must be a reliable source of information, because a lot of the time I fall into delusion. Anywhoo... On my much loved FINCH app, and a lot of my recovery journey has been about splitting my life into the different people I am, therefore I will reflect on those people during January. Now I am tempted to give them each different names...

I AM ELLI: January certainly saw me leaning into my hobbies, partially because people decided to gift me a bunch of activities I could do as Xmas presents and for some reason I saw this as some kind of challenge to complete as many as I could. Maybe I should have taken more time to drag them out instead of hyper focusing and having it all done in the one month, but that is just how my ADHD brain works. I NEED INSTANT GRATIFICATION. One achievement for me was how I actually managed to play Animal Crossing Let's Go To The City every single day. It has become my new passion, mainly because I realised I never really played the games before to their full potential, I just liked chatting to cute animals, which is still a bonus, but now I am breeding the flowers, collecting all the things for the museum, and was actually able to obtain all the fruit because it turns out when you send letters about it to the villagers they send them back! I just feel bad they all ask me to invite people over from other villagers, but due to the game being so old and technology moving on I don't actually think you can access that feature anymore even if I did have the friends to do so. Another really important moment for me was getting an official Autism diagnosis. So Elli can well and truly say she has AuDHD and I am incredible!

I AM A FRIEND: I am definitely improving on the being social front. On the very first day in fact, Nora
and I had a playdate, and I had some very comforting chats with my new pal Hazel, and our neurodiverse ways. Then the afternoon we went to winter wonderland with Emma, and despite twisting my ankle in a haunted grinch house, we had a really lovely relaxed time. I tried to get the rest of the gang together but no dates could be agreed upon so I just have to keep trying and remind myself it is not because they are rejecting me! I have still been going to my community groups, and am becoming a lot better engaging with the people I am seeing there. A couple of friends from my Thursday parenting group are starting to go off for additional coffee chats, which has been nice. 

I AM A MOTHER: Something I get very worried about is how good I am as a parent, and January was no exception to this rule. We started off on a pretty good high, we made the most of our final days before she returned to school, with seeing family, friends and lots of playing. We were blessed by snow early January as well so we got to make our snowman Lizzey and have multiple snowball fights. I think she hasn't adjusted well to my return to work, as we have noticed the extreme reactions returning, but I am becoming more aware she could also be on the neurodiverse train like me. So that came with it's own set of worries making sure I know how to support her whilst supporting myself. Luckily she takes an interest in what I am up to so I got myself ear defenders, she wanted her own, and she was brave enough to ask for these to support her at school, so she is already on a better path than I was. Nora showed me a lot of love this month which does reassure me that I am being a good parent. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER: Thanks to the FINCH app, and wanting to put off important tasks, like emailing managers and filling out PIP applications, I have been doing well with keeping on tip of house stuff. I will admit I slacked post-Christmas then became overwhelmed by how much there was to do, but one weekend I just had my burst of energy and got on track. Still isn't perfect, nothing is perfect, but I am currently at a point where things seem manageable (but Elli what about the two rooms of shame? We don't go in their mind so they don't exist right now). 

I'M PART OF A FAMILY: Given that both my dad and sister have birthday's this month make it
relatively easy to play my role as part of the family. Despite never knowing what to get as gifts for these people as one never wants anything and the other will just get themself everything they want, I think I got some thoughtful things. I also just wanted to make sure I spent time with them to make them feel special. Which did put a lot of pressure on me towards the end as I had a lot going on but I knew I wanted to be there for my sister. And I am glad I pushed through, because she does a lot of things for me, like helping look after my daughter when I have to work, being my voice of reason when I am in meltdown, listening to my rants about Roxy from the Traitors. I should have tried to see my nanny a little more, but I was protecting her from the wintertime ills. 

I AM A PARTNER: When I reflect on January I feel like this was an area of my life I let go of a little bit. Don't get me wrong Dean and I are still going strong, and we had some great times together, and he has been incredible on my self discovery journey. But I feel guilty that he just has to get on with it while I give all my spoons to work, family, or self-care. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: Huge developments for me as I am making very big steps to ensure I can actually attend my shifts at work. I have learnt a lot about advocation and am trying to stick up for my needs, so even though it got very chaotic trying to consult different people and wonder how I am going to process the rejection of my flexi-time, I feel okay knowing I have people by my side, and there are still reasonable adjustments being made. So we are building myself back up to working 30 hours (though I am still trying to fight the battle that 10 hour shifts are much too long) but we have began to introduce extra "Sensory breaks" as I like to call them. Which I think has been helping. But due to those wintertime ills I mentioned before workloads haven't actually been that hectic, so trying to maintain the mentality that just because it works right now doesn't mean it always will. SO DON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT. 

So OVERALL I would say I have kept a respectable balance on my life, I have done things for all my seven areas, though some might need a bit more attention next month. LOOKING AT YOU DEAN, prepare to be my new hyperfocus! If I was to set myself some little goals it would be:

• Play something other than animal crossing
• Meet up with my inner circle.
• Let Nora chose a half term activity for us.
• Get a new bedside table.  
• See my Nanny
• Have a date night with Dean
• Catch up with missed training

Most importantly I need to complete my PIP application so I expect all you invisible people in my head to hold me accountable for that okay. And all the other tasks. 

See you when I see you!