Bested By Bad Moods.

It's strange how moods work. One minute you are feeling great about all things and everything, and the next you don't even know how to put it into words. Sometimes I feel like every time I get better, it all floods back like I'm being sabotaged. I really started to believe I was getting somewhere, even looking at this blog over February there's like a happier shift, things with my friends are great, work is amazing, but one tiny thing just erases that. So there I was once again feeling like nothing I could do would be of any benefit to anyone.

I'm not as stuck in this bad mood as I felt I was in the past. A lot of people have told me that pregnancy hormones can have a huge affect on an already low mood, so given last time I was in a very hormone crazy trimester it is somewhat understandable how I got to where I was. Then in the second trimester there's not as many hormone releases so is that why I believed things were starting to improve? Because now we are entering the final trimester it says you'd have another flux of hormones. So I'm pretty scared of going back to that place I was in before. I've tried shutting the door on certain triggers I have, but it doesn't really prevent me thinking. Like damage made has already been done and I just dwell on those moments, where I was made to feel like I was worst. They just creep back in whenever there's a quiet moment. 

I do feel more confident about this time around, as I know what support I have. I have my family, who are always welcoming when I come home (well sometimes not, but I think it's more the jokey family banter response). I have all my friends, who are patient with me when I'm not at my greatest. and let me vent my feelings, and make time to keep me distracted. And I also have a whole team of medical professionals, like my GP, Midwife, the Perinatal Mental Health Team, and a Health Visitor. So I know I have somewhere to turn if I feel that way. 

Plus I have more of a reason to move forward, and beat the bad moods. Before I was unaware I was growing a life, so I was destructive towards mine. But now someone is dependant on me. So I owe it to her to be my best self. And now that I can feel her kicks, and I've seen scans to show that my mood then hadn't affected her growth, I have that reassurance that we are going to be okay. Because we have gone through so much together already. And I'm sure that when I am able to hold her in my arms, and see her little face looking back up at me, I'd know my doubts are just that. Because I am good for something, I am worth something because of her. 

So really I just have to make it through these next 3 months. and from the day I write this it is exactly 3 months until I am due, which is also terrifying. I don't know how I'm going to cope with labour. I don't know how I'm going to cope with sleepless nights. I don't know how I'm going to be able to see people who thought that it would have been better for her not to exist. But I still have these 3 months to figure it out (assuming she doesn't come early). And like I said I'm getting a lot more support, and the medical team who work with me are trying to sort out if medications can help through this time. 

One thing I have learnt in this experience is the importance of talking to people when you are feeling down. I used to think I could deal with things myself, or I would sugar coat what is really happening, and therefore I never got the support I really needed. But today I told someone everything, like where I feel it all stemmed from, how I would cope, or convince myself I was coping, and just how down I really got. So hopefully now it is all out to someone who can make a difference, I can also make a difference. 

Who knows? I'm sorry this was a return to the rambly down posts, but like I said I need to just get these things off my chest, out of my head, so tomorrow can be a better day. See you when I see you.