I Don't Know What To Do

It's been like 4 days since this was last brought up so I don't really know why I am discussing it, but Amy told me that blogging helps her get through the bad times. Which in all honesty I know it is true because there is currently a draft post filled with my depressive thoughts. That will never be posted though. However I feel this one can be. Not because I want attention or some shit like that, but I feel like if my friends who read this get a better feel for my situation it means when I am sad I don't have to talk about it as they can just kind of know, and then try and comfort me in the best way they see fit, which could just be ignoring me, I got no problem with that. 

So anyway, to start off with this past week hasn't been the greatest for me, no-one really knows that Thursday wasn't the only day I had a breakdown. But that one isn't that important, only for the fact when I get stressed (mainly about school work) my attitude can just change. Basically I would say I am unstable with my emotions, and the moment something upsets me, or pisses me off, everything can piss me off or upset me more, and before you say or think anything, no it is not because of Woman Times. So a tip for my friends, if I seem ever so slightly pissed off, just back off a little, because I will come to you when I am better. 

The basis of Thursdays incident, was simply because of a small thing just being built up. Basically, I was doing my biology homework and it just wasn't going well, time was running out and I felt like I was just doing it wrong and I was getting stressed. When talking to Maddy about it I tried to sound ok by I could feel tears building up, because I hate feeling like I can't do something. So then I just went silent, because I know the moment I try to talk I will cry. And everyone started surrounding me cause it was now lunchtime. So I packed my stuff got up and ran to my dear old friend. The Toilet Cubicle. Here I burst into tears and during the whole I'm stressed about 6th form thing I then became stressed about everything else I am stressed about. Which is another problem of me being upset people just don't quite get. 

Then 5ish minutes later Maddy and Amy came looking for me, and I got better.  The fact is I just don't know what to do anymore. The whole crying about a small amount of stress got me scared that this is going to happen more often and and I will then miss out on lesson time because of crying, like in year 11 when the whole situation mainly started. And not being in lessons and missing work would get me more stressed and I would just be stuck in a never ending loop of depressiveness. Which I really don't want. and I came to the conclusion that I just can't deal with 6th form until the problem looming over my head has been sorted. The whole whether or not I have Huntington's disease. The not knowing quite frankly is tearing me apart and I feel like I cannot make proper decisions until I know. But they wont let me know until I am 18. So that means another 2 months and 19 days of possible breakdowns. Plus the amount of time it will take, like making the appointments having the counselling, having the test and waiting for results. So by that time I would have left 6th form. 

But I just don't want to be at 6th form during that process, as I just feel I am going to get so messed up over it and it will affect my work, because I can't focus on work when I am thinking about this. But I can't just not be at 6th form during this period. I mean they are already complaining about my attendance.  

That night I tried asking my mum for my doctors information so I could sort out appointments to talk to my genetics guy to start the counselling process, and maybe possibly get tested sooner than my birthday, but she refused because I wasn't 18. My mum is against me getting tested now, because she feels it will ruin my life if I get a positive result. But in fairness mum you got tested as soon as you could, so why can't I? Yeah you were a lot older and lived most of your life already, but not knowing is just the worst. I guess not knowing I have the chance completely is the best option, but because I already know I can't just go back. She once  got me to read this book about a girl who was pregnant at my age wanting to get tested for HD but then didn't want to know the results, and I was like all I learnt from that, is that the girl got tested sooner because she was pregnant. 

So basically I am just a mess, because I am not allowed to now my fate. And I just don't know what to do about it. Yeah I admit sometimes I can forget it exists, but like I said before the moment I get a little stressed about something, this will just come flooding in. The fact I am in my final year of 6th form and I have more work, and more serious exams heading my way really isn't going to help. So if you see me not acting like my usual self (this is aimed at my friends btw) just back off a little, or force me to talk to someone or blog about it. 

If you got this far I congratulate you because it was a pretty hefty read. And it wasn't all that happydappy. Thanks for being a pair of ears that are listening to my problems (metaphorically because you are reading this) and I just encourage you to just vent your feelings somewhere. Anywhere. It does make you feel better. But only for a while. Because this has been going on for like 3 years for me, and venting just puts it off for a couple of months, then it's back. 

Elli stop being depressive!

See you in the 'morrow!