The Christmas Spirit.

Happy Holidays.

So I'm not very Christmassy. Like belting a good xmas tune and wearing a hideous jumper is the furthest I will delve into the festivities. Anything before December is also a no go. If you start celebrating too early it gets boring. I'm sorry. I'm a scrooge. Get over it.

As you would have read in a previous post (assuming you are a regular to my blog and insist on reading all 400+ posts (if you have actually done that I will congratulate you)). I was prepared in terms of my Christmas presents, and as far as I am aware everyone loved what they got. Which is a part I get very excited for. And I do enjoy getting gifts too, mainly because I like knowing how well people know me. I have amazing people in my life. So here are some pictures of what I received from these awesome bunch of humans I associate myself with.

Not 1 but 2 Ariel's! My friends know me too well.Casual Selfie's in the T-shirts as well. 

All the gifts from my family. Such as weird array of items. But that's me I guess. 

I also got some presents from people at work, which made me very happy. Even though I did abandon work for an entire week. I booked the week off before you make any judgements. So how do I spend my week of the Christmas holidays. Well I see my sister for last minute xmas shopping. Because it never ends. I then spent Thursday with my mum, sister and grandparents. The next day I was back with my grandparents, but this time my cousin and her daughters were there. I went to my sisters Christmas Eve with Hal so in the morning we could prepare for Christmas with the parents, then to Nan's on boxing day.

Let's not forget about the Grand Friend reunion. Which featured 22 of us gathering in my favourite drinking place (Hollywood Bowl, I know so cool, but cheap drinks and dead atmosphere is what appeals to me). It was a really great night and I can't believe everyone turned up. Some people more than others. And even though there was some drama, which I am not going to talk about as I don't think it needs to be given the attention it wanted. I had a really nice time. I discovered how good pineapple juice is with Vodka, rediscovered how bad I am at pool and got to chat with people I don't talk to very often.

Yes, I have my eyes closed in the picture. But be thankful I'm even looking in the right direction.

So thank you to everyone who made my Christmas awesome. And I hope those people are still around for future celebrations. Next up New Year. Woop. Woop. See you when I see you!

You Have Been Deleted.

Firstly, I don't actually find the cybermen that scary. But Doctor Who conversations are not the purpose of this post.

When I rebooted my blog I said about how my last relationship turned to shit and the one thing I hated most was how much I mentioned the twat on this blog. Because I set it up to be able to look back on in the future to remember the happy things. And he is not a happy thing. So what I decided to do was go back and delete him out. So all those posts he wrote himself, every mention of his name, or a subtle reference to him. Gone. Some posts were easier to fix than others. Like simply clicking the delete button to get rid of the whole post, or getting rid of his name and the sentence still made sense. But some things I had to alter so it was grammatically correct. 

It was a very time consuming process but I am glad to have done it. Like when I deleted all the pictures of us and untagging myself from posts. The sad part is how it looks like I haven't really done anything for those two years of my life. That's why I'm most angry with him. Because I feel like it was such a waste of time, and I look like an idiot for even being with him. But I guess all things happen for a reason. . 

So now all that is left to do is hope that I never have to have anything to do with my ex. Which is currently difficult because he is a part of the friendship group. But I'm just going to start convincing myself we were never even together and maybe that will make the situation happier. 

Deleting is probably the best way forward, as harsh as it may seem. But that's life. And I have nothing more to say on the matter. See you when I see you. 

Organised (For Once).

Hey. You know when you always tell yourself that you are going to plan ahead, and you get your lists and little highlighter pens, and you plan, plan, plan. But then you forget all about it and it's the day of the thing you were planning for. That's me. All the time. I love planning, hate doing shit. Like when to do coursework, and most importantly. Buying presents. Last minute madness is usually my game. And when it comes to Christmas it usually means you get a shittier gift.

But this year I've planned ahead. I've actually ordered pretty much all of my presents before December has even started. Oh My God. Dun Dun Dun. Etc. And it's been so good. I have such great ideas for my presents, and I have even gotten gifts for those whose birthdays are around Christmas, and I just feel so organised.

My one issue is, I just want to tell everyone what I got them. I can't wait for Christmas to let them see what they got, it's so far away! I myself don't really like surprises. So I desperately want to know what people have got me so I can only assume how they feel and I just want to share, but I can't because it spoils everything, and it's just so frustrating. But I'll get by I guess. I am worried about the presents I haven't gotten yet, because I have no clue what to do. And that will end up being stressy times. But I still have time, and for once I do have money at my disposal.

Now all I need to do is stick with being organised for my level 3 coursework. Because I do find it difficult to balance my work, social life and family with my own personal time. Like I get so stressed out if I don't have any time to myself. I barely play sims anymore. Even though I bought the new expansion pack. Played it once so far. Had it like 2-3 weeks. Waste of money. Which is frustrating, but I want to be able to play it.

On the other hand, there are a couple of things in my life I am not very organised with, but should be if I actually want them to happen. Such as driving and moving out. Like I talk about doing these so often, but do I actually make a plan? Fuck off. I plan to make a plan but never get round to it, because it's real world shit that means I'm an adult, and there is no way I am jumping onto that. With driving it's mainly I don't want to commit to it, because I hate failing things. With moving out it's just impossible to make convenient. Like I don't want to live alone but don't have anyone to move in with, and I have to accommodate the location with accessibility to work and it's just too much stress trying to work it out with my financial situation so I just don't bother looking. But that won't get me anywhere.

So am I actually organised for once? Probably not. But it's nice to think I am sometimes. The only things I tend to plan are my meals for the week. Which now I say it is a little sad. But that's my life in a nutshell really. Wish me luck with my organisational skills. See you when I see you!

What's Happened To Me?

Hey. It's been a while. A very long while. But I thought to myself I miss it. We all know how this is going to end up though. I write a post saying all the things I want to do but never actually achieve. It's because I have no time anymore. I go to work I come home from work, spend a bit of time with my mum talk to people and sleep. So as you have noticed there are a couple of changes to the blog. Hopefully to make things a little easier to read as people used to complain (I did it so people couldn't pay attention to detail), but I'm going to avoid all that, mainly because that was what took up so much of the time. Also I thought it would be nice for a change as I'm not exactly the same person I was when I started this blog. I remember a couple of months back I thought it would be easier to have a fresh start on a new blog but that soon got forgotten about. Much like this surely will.

But I guess I should update you all on my life. When we left off, I had split up from my boyfriend (which is very awkward as he is mentioned so much on this blog, and I hate every part of it) And as I predicted things got ugly, he makes me hate my existence and I have felt like my two years with him never happened and there is just this gap in my life. Which is harsh I know, but if he didn't start acting the way he did I wouldn't feel this way. I didn't want all my memories to be tainted. But I'll go into more detail in another blog (probably...maybe...never). Plus side, I am happily with someone else who makes me so happy and manages to cheer me up when I feel shit. Which is a rather impressive skill. And it's been like 7 months now and I feel like we've been together this whole time. It's just right. Again maybe I will right about this in more detail in another blog. Promises, promises.

Also I was in the midsts of my Level 2 Apprenticeship, which I have now definitely completed! Woohoo! So I have progressed onto my Level 3 which can open up a lot more opportunities for me, and so far the work doesn't seem that difficult. The only issues I have had is having time to do things. Because of ratios I end up working so late, after starting early, I now only get a half an hour lunch instead of the full hour (which I used to get most of my work done in) because of my pay increasing. Only plus side. So by the time I get home it's like. Nah.

Other plus sides from work, is that I become so much part of the team I actually have work friends, that I see outside of work. I mean it all started because one of them decided to leave to pursue a new career, and we went round her for drinks, and now it's becoming a regular thing. There is a group of like 7 of us and we are meeting up weekly just chatting about anything. Today we literally planned a wedding for one of them who isn't even engaged yet.

It feels weird having new friends outside my usual group. But don't worry I have not forgotten about the ragtag group of awesomeness even though the dynamics have changed dramatically. I mean Jess and I don't talk anymore, Scott has re-entered my life as a good mate, I'm actually considering Connor as a good friend, and a certain someone is just a no. And as for Emily. Who the fuck knows what is happening there. I'll discuss in more detail in another post (doubt it).

Things are certainly different to three years ago when I started this blog. I mean I actually started it three years and four days ago. Maybe I should have thought about rebooting four days ago and it would have been a nice little 3 year anniversary bonanza. But I missed that opportunity, and I don't think I can wait a fourth year.

So I really hope I try to continue this weekly. Remember when I used to do it Daily? Oh those were the days. Well. I'll see you when I see you!

Let's Play The Sims 4.

Hello! So I realised I haven't really posted in awhile so thought I must. This is just going to be a quick little post about exactly what the title says. Basically I started recording myself playing the sims. I know finally right. And I have just uploaded my 3rd video so I thought I would share these on here. I mean they aren't that entertaining but it's a nice distraction from responsibilities. So yeah. Follow the links:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1qHtY8MFPs < Creating the Weirdling: Basically me making the sim I play with. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Hy8l9q2pzw <The Dreamer's Home: Building the home for her to live in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MDCAb-mTp4 <How To Make Friends: Getting out into the world making some friends, meeting some creeps. 

See you when I see you!

The Positive Vibes.

Hello! So I thought I would just write a small little post because why not? Mainly because I am waiting for my training video to stop bloody buffering. So I thought, I would talk about positive vibes I have been getting lately, mainly to do with my weight. Because usually I am very insecure about my body image and the way I look and I know I'm not skinny and I don't necessarily want to be skinny, I like have curves I just don't like having chub, as I like to call it. I am still waiting for the day I become more...toned I think is the word, but obviously I know that is going to require effort and not happen overnight. 

Anyway, the other day at work someone asked me if I had lost weight and I was like I didn't think so but thanks, and then my manager said I looked great and I awkwardly walked out of the office. Then my mum also said I looked slimmer, and when I was at the park I actually managed to comfortably sit on the swing where about two months before it hurt because of my hips.So I was starting to feel pretty good about myself. And I think that is what makes me motivated to actually do something. 

However, something else happened. I bought some bras the other day in my usual size and they didn't fit. So the one place I want to be getting smaller the most is getting bigger and it's so irritating. Then the positive vibe wore off and now I feel all ugh about myself again. 

But all of this proves that it's not actually how much I weigh that matters it's how I feel about the way I look, and what makes me feel comfortable, so by having the positive vibe it makes me more comfortable with how I am. It's a weird little thing. This is a weird little post. 

Sorry this probably didn't make any sense but I needed a distraction and I'm sure you did as well. Why else would you be here? 
See you when I see you!

Sharing is Caring: Social Anxiety.

Hi there. So this post is going to be more of a let my feelings out post. Which I guess all of them really are but this song be as weird and light hearted as I intend it to be. Today my discussion topic shall be about my social awkwardness and how that leads to my version of a panic attack. I say my version because I don't think it's an official attack but it is a change of state and I feel quite panicked by it. 

Anyway... So I'd say I have different personalities. There's one who is outgoing and loves a laugh and has an I don't give a shit attitude. She is mainly about when I am why with my friends and in a comfortable situation. Then there is the awkward shy girl who needs to have everything planned. She is usually the one who has panic attacks. 

Now I don't get these very often. I would say I've only had a few in my life before December, mainly to do with it being dark and buses being douches. But there were a few all clambered up together, so in fear that I'm due another one over something completely stupid, I want to vent my feelings so that maybe it doesn't happen again as I have closure, or some other bullshit. 

 
The major one, happened when I was at a group outing with my friends to pizza hut. So I work weekdays but that's only really when my friends were free so we agreed to meet up in the evening. And I agreed as long as I wasn't out too late. So it was at the end of the meal and we were having a chat would while we waited to pay and one of my friends offered to give me a lift in the basis we left then and there and begin the bit of a control freak I am I wanted to make sure the payment and everything was correct. So in my mind I was panicking because I knew I'd have to get the bus which wouldn't get me home until midnight. But I lied anyway saying if be fine. We then paid and some people went home. Then I just thought we would find somewhere to sit and chat for an hour or two until this bus, but people started talking about going to this pub (which was like a club type pub) and because I don't have a form of ID, just because I never felt the need too, I got panicked because I thought they were all going to leave me, and I had ruined their plans, and I just stood there internally freaking out. I'm not sure most people new. Some figured it out and gave me cuddles and things. But I just couldn't get back to normal. The group decided to walk Maddy home, and I was stalking behind them because I was still feeling panicked and worried and wanting to calm myself down before everyone noticed. I guess they knew but they didn't say anything. Which I appreciated. But there was talk of being driven home, which I did not want, because in my state I felt being in an enclosed space would make my emotional wreckness obvious. So obviously I panicked more. In the end I got on the bus and Emma joined me because Emma is adorable, so I managed to feel more like myself after explaining it to her.  

Usually, when I have a panic attack I go extreme in thinking of ways to get out of the situation. Like if I walk into the road I can be hit by a car and everything that just happened will be forgotten about, or if I hit myself multiple times in the head I'll actually forget this has happened. So obviously I can't really do this I tend to opt for the more subtle jabbing the palm of my hands with my fingernails. Because it provides me with enough pain to remind myself what I'm doing is stupid. In the major incident I mentioned I literally cramped my hand up because I was doing it so often. But that's how I deal with it. 

I'm sure there are healthier ways of dealing with this situation, which is why I feel blogging it will provide me with some kind of coping mechanism. I do like to treat this as my therapy session. So if you read this, I guess thanks, but I'm sorry for wasting your time. 

See you when I see you!

Aries in Love.

Just watch the video.

The Road Trip

Hello. So I decided to listen to my friend and actually made a vlog. It was really weird doing it, but felt right at the same time. But it's a bit shitly planned as it was all spontaneous. I do apologise and explain everything in the video, so just watch it. Waste some time. Take your mind off the struggles of your day. That's what I do this for. Hopefully there will be another one soon.

See you when I see you!

What If...?

Hello, my fellow "I need a distraction" people! So I was thinking about what I was going to blog about, something I spend most days doing but never really get round to doing half of the stuff I plan in my head. Sometimes it would be so much easier if when I thought of something to say it would just type it all up on my laptop (even when I'm not near it) and then formats itself. But I guess we have to do this the hard way. Well it's not really hard, just more effort I do not really have. Which is why it has taken me over a month to get a post out. I'm sorry, but I have been busy and lazy, which doesn't make sense. 

So yesterday I was having a lovely time socialising with my friends when Maddy asked me if I still posted on youtube and/or on here. My answer being not really, but I wanted to. Which got me thinking. What if I vlog more! Because I might find that easier than typing out what I want to do. But then I thought about it some more and it's probably going to be just as time consuming. First I would have to make myself look presentable, then film what I wish to film, then edit out all the stupid parts, and upload it. From what I remember about when I used to do this editing was the worst bit. But the most fun. 

I don't know! I always have ideas in my mind, I just never go through with them. I need like an assistant. Because I want to continue with all that stuff I used to do, because it made me less stressed as it let me escape from the actual stresses of my life for a bit. However, we all know how this is going to go down. I will start up for like a week or so then I will go silent for ages. Possibly forever. It's difficult when there is nothing really to talk about, and know time to talk about what i want to talk about. Ugh.

I'm sorry for being annoyed by this and constantly repeating myself, I just need help. I need to figure out what I actually want to be doing and giving myself time to do it all, and I need to stop being lazy with my life. 

This has probably been the worst thing to read by me so far, and I apologise, but help me clear my head. Offer suggestions on what you think. Or not. Whatever. 

I'll just see you when I see you!

I Can't Wait.

Hi there. So as I have already completely failed all my other resolutions this year. I told myself I just gave to persist with one. Blog more frequently. Let's just take a moment to remember the good old days when I blogged every single day. I found it so easy back then, but I guess more stuff happened. Whereas now I work but I'm not allowed to really discuss work and when I get home I eat and sleep. So not really blog worthy. But I'm trying. And today I thought I do a post not relating to the past but to the future! Basically I'm just going to say some things I am excited for. Let's begin.
The deadpool movie. Because it looks so funny and I love funny films. Because I don't really like action which is basically what the movie would be. And if you can't tell from my funko pop vinyl collection I do really like the deadpool character.

Speaking of films I am really looking forward to Suicide Squad. Mainly because I love Harley Quinn. The first trailer made me excited, I loved the song they used, and that got stuck in my head for ages, but I felt there wasn't enough of Harley, and I know it's not all about her, but I feel she has more to be excited for, which is why I was very pleased with the second trailer. I watched it like 5 times on repeat. The inclusion of Bohemian Rhapsody was just phenomenal. It was perfectly edited and now I just cannot wait for the film itself. However I feel the trailers are skipping over certain characters like Enchantress. But I guess that would make it better as they are not giving away a lot of the film. 
Let's see... I guess I am excited for my birthday. I'm going to be 19 this year, so I'll probably feel no different to my usual self. But I guess it will be an excuse to get the gang back together and that always makes me happy, because I love my friends. Plus I booked that time off work so that means no stress of time to hang out and stuff.
I would say I am excited to finish my apprenticeship, as I will begin full time employment, but I would also have more responsibility which I'm not sure about. But they all seem very supportive so I guess I'll get the hang of it. I like organising things so I always plan how I'd do things when I would be in that position. However I tend to plan more than what I do, and I never really stick to my plans, so I am a little worried about that. This is exciting for me though because it would be my first proper job, where I get paid full time. And I am hoping to save all of this for a place to live and driving lessons and basic life shiz. 
Other than that I guess I'm not really excited for much. So what I thought would be quite an interesting post when I started turned out pretty shit. Mainly I am excited for things I can watch. (Such as Sherlock, I will always be excited for Sherlock) But there isn't much I can say about that. 
Sorry for wasting your time, and thank you for wasting my time. See you when I see you!

Instagram Fan?

Hello! And I'm trying to keep at least one of my resolutions this year. To blog more. But it's only 9 days into the year so anything can happen. Stick around to find out. Today we are going to be discussing the app Instagram. If you could not guess from the title of the post. 

If you have known me a long time, you would come to the knowledge that I never liked instagram. I didn't want to be a pretentious person who posted pictures of what they were eating (the picture to the left so totally doesn't show me doing just that) and using obnoxious hashtags, because I have a motto in life. Hashtags should only be used for numbers. And I had made it perfectly clear that I had never intended on using this app, because if I wanted to share a picture, I would just do so on facebook. 

But then my sister happened. One day she decided that I needed to have instagram, and created me an account. Then she posted for me. And liked all of her own posts to make herself seem more popular. People started to think it was me, and my friends who had instagram started following me. So I decided to take over because when Hal had posted she used hashtags. And I didn't want people thinking that was me. To the left is the first picture she instagrammed (with the hashtags now removed of course). And in fairness it was a rather cute picture. 

From then I knew if I wasn't to post she was going to do it for me. So I posted my next picture. After that you can kind of guess what happened. I was a little bit addicted. Mainly because I enjoyed the editing of photos aspect because they came with cool filters and you had the ability to make a crappy photo you took look half decent. Now I post kind of often the little random happenings of my day. 

If you would like to follow me on instagram (if you don't I'm not really bothered but I feel if you want to know more about me, and let's face it my blogging will not be as on point as my picture sharing, you might as well just stalk me there). My name is needstogrowup but I'm sure if you type in Elli Mae it will come up. It will look like this. And if it doesn't I have either updated it since then, or someone is pretending to be me. But I really doubt the latter. 

So to make this post a bit more interesting let's have a look at some of the instagram posts. Let's start with the one that has currently received the most likes. Ah where my fringe curve was on point. I don't know why this has received the most likes, personally I would have liked it to be the one on the right because it is just so darn cute, but I guess the people of instagram just appreciate a good hair swoop.  

Another thing I like about the app is the collages you can make, so when I'm having trouble deciding which picture best represents my feelings about the activity I have just completed I can instead share an array of pictures to fully show the awesomeness. 

I guess that should be it for now, I hope that has distracted you from what you are supposed to be doing. See you when I see you!

Failing At Life (2016 Edition)

Wow. It's 2016. So time I guess to partake in the tradition that everyone likes to call. Failing at Life (aka. Resolutions). Last year I set myself some tasks for this year so let's see how well those turned out and make plans for this year which, judging by my previous attempts, will not happen. But I guess it's nice to at least come up with some kind of goal. Also sorry again for not posting very often. I am a failure of a human being as this post will probably point out. Here goes. 

So last year my first task was to lose weight. (Well looking back I actually made a typo and put loose weight, haha silly me). The classic of new year's resolutions. Did that happen? Hang on let me check. No. The answer is no. But hey at least I didn't put on any weight. I am at a constant. Woop! However, I increasingly hate the way I look. Mainly the part that I like to call chubb. The stomach's the worst, then my thighs, and  my boobs need to shrink. I want to wear checked shirts without the buttons straining around the chest area, is that so much to ask? This year of 2016 I would like to become better with exercising and eating healthier and being comfortable with my body image. So back onto the list you go impossible task because I do not have the right mindset. 

Onto to the second task which was using money wisely. And I would say I have completed this pretty well. I actually have money saved up in my bank account, not enough to do anything significant with though. There have also been times where I have gone against buying something for the greater good of my end goal, but looking at this (Please turn your attention to the picture on the left) there have been a few slip ups. Awkward...But overall I would give this a tick as I'm not poor as fuck. I just can't move out which is what I was going to do this for. We'll get there. One day. 

Number 3 was the one I can happily say I succeeded at. Future plan! As you should all be aware of by now I have actually made progress in my career move as I am an apprentice in a nursery (which is like my ideal job) and by July I should be qualified to have a full time job there. They have also offered me this full time position so yay! And I think I would like to train further. The other parts of the plan I am not so sure about. Moving out: well nobody would like to move in with me so I have no clue. Kids and Stuff: not for a while. So my motivation is still at a low but I don't really care. I'm happy where I am at the minute. ish...

Well task 4 was always so certain in my mind. But it didn't happen. I think when I was told I wasn't even allowed to get tested until I was 18 frustrated me so much that I just had to know, but since I've turned 18 I've been more relaxed about it. because I now know that I can just go make an appointment when I am ready. I don't need to know just yet. I have other things to worry about first. Like job, moving out, the possibility of learning to drive, relationship shiz. 

And finally task 5. Do well in 6th form. And my response to this is. HAHAHAHAHA. Fuck that shit. I mean I am proud of 2 of my results. The 3rd well there were aspects I was proud of, like the fact I didn't completely fail the exam I cried in for an hour (personally I think it was because I told the examiner to have a nice day). But I guess this one doesn't really matter so much because 3 went pretty well and I didn't need A-levels for that. However it turns out I needed a GSCE in ICT which I do not have. So resit exam for me! 

Reading back through them were pretty funny because it reminded me how much of a failure I am. So why not make a new list so future Elli can have a laugh in 2017. 

One: Lose weight. Same as always, like what I said earlier. Blahblah blah.
Two: Consider driving lessons. Since I got my job I considered driving a lot. I feel like it would make my life a little bit easier, and it would help if I moved out if I could drive so then where I lived wouldn't be as much of an issue.
Three: Save money for moving out and everything you need to have for driving (lessons, test, insurance, car etc.). As I would like to be able to actually afford the things I plan for. 
Four: Pass my level 2 Apprenticeship. Because obviously I would like to continue working there. 
Five: Be less angry. I can be a very angry person when I want to be, and I hate that side of me. So this year I would like to be more considerate of others when I am having my emotional messes. (I mean I have already kind of failed this already but starting from now I wish to be better). 
Six: Be more social. Since everyone finished 6th form and we all went our separate ways I feel like it's harder to connect with my friends. Because I can't really talk about my work and I don't do anything else I find making conversations difficult in online form. But no-one is really around, or we don't have the time, to talk face to face which is easier. I want to try though. Because my friends are amazing and I don't want to lose them. I would like to take this opportunity to tell them that if I don't talk to you for a while, I'm still here for you. I haven't forgotten about you, I just don't know how to entertain you in a conversation. 
Seven: Blog more. I have sucked at blogging the past 5 months, and I want that to change, because this used to make me so happy. It was a way for me to just escape everything. So I am going to try harder to get out a post at least once a month. But my aim is once a week. 

So that's my seven resolutions. I love the number seven. Don't know why. I just think when people are making lists it is underused. But you have probably figured out I love seven from my Magnificent 7 series. Which is my listing off my favourite things like villains, confectionary and even colours. You can check them all out by looking through my previous posts. Sneaky plug for you there.

Well I hope that has distracted you all from what you are supposed to be doing right now. Thanks for reading. 

See you when I see you!