Anyway... So I'd say I have different personalities. There's one who is outgoing and loves a laugh and has an I don't give a shit attitude. She is mainly about when I am why with my friends and in a comfortable situation. Then there is the awkward shy girl who needs to have everything planned. She is usually the one who has panic attacks.
Now I don't get these very often. I would say I've only had a few in my life before December, mainly to do with it being dark and buses being douches. But there were a few all clambered up together, so in fear that I'm due another one over something completely stupid, I want to vent my feelings so that maybe it doesn't happen again as I have closure, or some other bullshit.
The major one, happened when I was at a group outing with my friends to pizza hut. So I work weekdays but that's only really when my friends were free so we agreed to meet up in the evening. And I agreed as long as I wasn't out too late. So it was at the end of the meal and we were having a chat would while we waited to pay and one of my friends offered to give me a lift in the basis we left then and there and begin the bit of a control freak I am I wanted to make sure the payment and everything was correct. So in my mind I was panicking because I knew I'd have to get the bus which wouldn't get me home until midnight. But I lied anyway saying if be fine. We then paid and some people went home. Then I just thought we would find somewhere to sit and chat for an hour or two until this bus, but people started talking about going to this pub (which was like a club type pub) and because I don't have a form of ID, just because I never felt the need too, I got panicked because I thought they were all going to leave me, and I had ruined their plans, and I just stood there internally freaking out. I'm not sure most people new. Some figured it out and gave me cuddles and things. But I just couldn't get back to normal. The group decided to walk Maddy home, and I was stalking behind them because I was still feeling panicked and worried and wanting to calm myself down before everyone noticed. I guess they knew but they didn't say anything. Which I appreciated. But there was talk of being driven home, which I did not want, because in my state I felt being in an enclosed space would make my emotional wreckness obvious. So obviously I panicked more. In the end I got on the bus and Emma joined me because Emma is adorable, so I managed to feel more like myself after explaining it to her.
Usually, when I have a panic attack I go extreme in thinking of ways to get out of the situation. Like if I walk into the road I can be hit by a car and everything that just happened will be forgotten about, or if I hit myself multiple times in the head I'll actually forget this has happened. So obviously I can't really do this I tend to opt for the more subtle jabbing the palm of my hands with my fingernails. Because it provides me with enough pain to remind myself what I'm doing is stupid. In the major incident I mentioned I literally cramped my hand up because I was doing it so often. But that's how I deal with it.
I'm sure there are healthier ways of dealing with this situation, which is why I feel blogging it will provide me with some kind of coping mechanism. I do like to treat this as my therapy session. So if you read this, I guess thanks, but I'm sorry for wasting your time.
See you when I see you!
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