The Positive Vibes.

Hello! So I thought I would just write a small little post because why not? Mainly because I am waiting for my training video to stop bloody buffering. So I thought, I would talk about positive vibes I have been getting lately, mainly to do with my weight. Because usually I am very insecure about my body image and the way I look and I know I'm not skinny and I don't necessarily want to be skinny, I like have curves I just don't like having chub, as I like to call it. I am still waiting for the day I become more...toned I think is the word, but obviously I know that is going to require effort and not happen overnight. 

Anyway, the other day at work someone asked me if I had lost weight and I was like I didn't think so but thanks, and then my manager said I looked great and I awkwardly walked out of the office. Then my mum also said I looked slimmer, and when I was at the park I actually managed to comfortably sit on the swing where about two months before it hurt because of my hips.So I was starting to feel pretty good about myself. And I think that is what makes me motivated to actually do something. 

However, something else happened. I bought some bras the other day in my usual size and they didn't fit. So the one place I want to be getting smaller the most is getting bigger and it's so irritating. Then the positive vibe wore off and now I feel all ugh about myself again. 

But all of this proves that it's not actually how much I weigh that matters it's how I feel about the way I look, and what makes me feel comfortable, so by having the positive vibe it makes me more comfortable with how I am. It's a weird little thing. This is a weird little post. 

Sorry this probably didn't make any sense but I needed a distraction and I'm sure you did as well. Why else would you be here? 
See you when I see you!

Sharing is Caring: Social Anxiety.

Hi there. So this post is going to be more of a let my feelings out post. Which I guess all of them really are but this song be as weird and light hearted as I intend it to be. Today my discussion topic shall be about my social awkwardness and how that leads to my version of a panic attack. I say my version because I don't think it's an official attack but it is a change of state and I feel quite panicked by it. 

Anyway... So I'd say I have different personalities. There's one who is outgoing and loves a laugh and has an I don't give a shit attitude. She is mainly about when I am why with my friends and in a comfortable situation. Then there is the awkward shy girl who needs to have everything planned. She is usually the one who has panic attacks. 

Now I don't get these very often. I would say I've only had a few in my life before December, mainly to do with it being dark and buses being douches. But there were a few all clambered up together, so in fear that I'm due another one over something completely stupid, I want to vent my feelings so that maybe it doesn't happen again as I have closure, or some other bullshit. 

 
The major one, happened when I was at a group outing with my friends to pizza hut. So I work weekdays but that's only really when my friends were free so we agreed to meet up in the evening. And I agreed as long as I wasn't out too late. So it was at the end of the meal and we were having a chat would while we waited to pay and one of my friends offered to give me a lift in the basis we left then and there and begin the bit of a control freak I am I wanted to make sure the payment and everything was correct. So in my mind I was panicking because I knew I'd have to get the bus which wouldn't get me home until midnight. But I lied anyway saying if be fine. We then paid and some people went home. Then I just thought we would find somewhere to sit and chat for an hour or two until this bus, but people started talking about going to this pub (which was like a club type pub) and because I don't have a form of ID, just because I never felt the need too, I got panicked because I thought they were all going to leave me, and I had ruined their plans, and I just stood there internally freaking out. I'm not sure most people new. Some figured it out and gave me cuddles and things. But I just couldn't get back to normal. The group decided to walk Maddy home, and I was stalking behind them because I was still feeling panicked and worried and wanting to calm myself down before everyone noticed. I guess they knew but they didn't say anything. Which I appreciated. But there was talk of being driven home, which I did not want, because in my state I felt being in an enclosed space would make my emotional wreckness obvious. So obviously I panicked more. In the end I got on the bus and Emma joined me because Emma is adorable, so I managed to feel more like myself after explaining it to her.  

Usually, when I have a panic attack I go extreme in thinking of ways to get out of the situation. Like if I walk into the road I can be hit by a car and everything that just happened will be forgotten about, or if I hit myself multiple times in the head I'll actually forget this has happened. So obviously I can't really do this I tend to opt for the more subtle jabbing the palm of my hands with my fingernails. Because it provides me with enough pain to remind myself what I'm doing is stupid. In the major incident I mentioned I literally cramped my hand up because I was doing it so often. But that's how I deal with it. 

I'm sure there are healthier ways of dealing with this situation, which is why I feel blogging it will provide me with some kind of coping mechanism. I do like to treat this as my therapy session. So if you read this, I guess thanks, but I'm sorry for wasting your time. 

See you when I see you!

Aries in Love.

Just watch the video.

The Road Trip

Hello. So I decided to listen to my friend and actually made a vlog. It was really weird doing it, but felt right at the same time. But it's a bit shitly planned as it was all spontaneous. I do apologise and explain everything in the video, so just watch it. Waste some time. Take your mind off the struggles of your day. That's what I do this for. Hopefully there will be another one soon.

See you when I see you!

What If...?

Hello, my fellow "I need a distraction" people! So I was thinking about what I was going to blog about, something I spend most days doing but never really get round to doing half of the stuff I plan in my head. Sometimes it would be so much easier if when I thought of something to say it would just type it all up on my laptop (even when I'm not near it) and then formats itself. But I guess we have to do this the hard way. Well it's not really hard, just more effort I do not really have. Which is why it has taken me over a month to get a post out. I'm sorry, but I have been busy and lazy, which doesn't make sense. 

So yesterday I was having a lovely time socialising with my friends when Maddy asked me if I still posted on youtube and/or on here. My answer being not really, but I wanted to. Which got me thinking. What if I vlog more! Because I might find that easier than typing out what I want to do. But then I thought about it some more and it's probably going to be just as time consuming. First I would have to make myself look presentable, then film what I wish to film, then edit out all the stupid parts, and upload it. From what I remember about when I used to do this editing was the worst bit. But the most fun. 

I don't know! I always have ideas in my mind, I just never go through with them. I need like an assistant. Because I want to continue with all that stuff I used to do, because it made me less stressed as it let me escape from the actual stresses of my life for a bit. However, we all know how this is going to go down. I will start up for like a week or so then I will go silent for ages. Possibly forever. It's difficult when there is nothing really to talk about, and know time to talk about what i want to talk about. Ugh.

I'm sorry for being annoyed by this and constantly repeating myself, I just need help. I need to figure out what I actually want to be doing and giving myself time to do it all, and I need to stop being lazy with my life. 

This has probably been the worst thing to read by me so far, and I apologise, but help me clear my head. Offer suggestions on what you think. Or not. Whatever. 

I'll just see you when I see you!

I Can't Wait.

Hi there. So as I have already completely failed all my other resolutions this year. I told myself I just gave to persist with one. Blog more frequently. Let's just take a moment to remember the good old days when I blogged every single day. I found it so easy back then, but I guess more stuff happened. Whereas now I work but I'm not allowed to really discuss work and when I get home I eat and sleep. So not really blog worthy. But I'm trying. And today I thought I do a post not relating to the past but to the future! Basically I'm just going to say some things I am excited for. Let's begin.
The deadpool movie. Because it looks so funny and I love funny films. Because I don't really like action which is basically what the movie would be. And if you can't tell from my funko pop vinyl collection I do really like the deadpool character.

Speaking of films I am really looking forward to Suicide Squad. Mainly because I love Harley Quinn. The first trailer made me excited, I loved the song they used, and that got stuck in my head for ages, but I felt there wasn't enough of Harley, and I know it's not all about her, but I feel she has more to be excited for, which is why I was very pleased with the second trailer. I watched it like 5 times on repeat. The inclusion of Bohemian Rhapsody was just phenomenal. It was perfectly edited and now I just cannot wait for the film itself. However I feel the trailers are skipping over certain characters like Enchantress. But I guess that would make it better as they are not giving away a lot of the film. 
Let's see... I guess I am excited for my birthday. I'm going to be 19 this year, so I'll probably feel no different to my usual self. But I guess it will be an excuse to get the gang back together and that always makes me happy, because I love my friends. Plus I booked that time off work so that means no stress of time to hang out and stuff.
I would say I am excited to finish my apprenticeship, as I will begin full time employment, but I would also have more responsibility which I'm not sure about. But they all seem very supportive so I guess I'll get the hang of it. I like organising things so I always plan how I'd do things when I would be in that position. However I tend to plan more than what I do, and I never really stick to my plans, so I am a little worried about that. This is exciting for me though because it would be my first proper job, where I get paid full time. And I am hoping to save all of this for a place to live and driving lessons and basic life shiz. 
Other than that I guess I'm not really excited for much. So what I thought would be quite an interesting post when I started turned out pretty shit. Mainly I am excited for things I can watch. (Such as Sherlock, I will always be excited for Sherlock) But there isn't much I can say about that. 
Sorry for wasting your time, and thank you for wasting my time. See you when I see you!

Instagram Fan?

Hello! And I'm trying to keep at least one of my resolutions this year. To blog more. But it's only 9 days into the year so anything can happen. Stick around to find out. Today we are going to be discussing the app Instagram. If you could not guess from the title of the post. 

If you have known me a long time, you would come to the knowledge that I never liked instagram. I didn't want to be a pretentious person who posted pictures of what they were eating (the picture to the left so totally doesn't show me doing just that) and using obnoxious hashtags, because I have a motto in life. Hashtags should only be used for numbers. And I had made it perfectly clear that I had never intended on using this app, because if I wanted to share a picture, I would just do so on facebook. 

But then my sister happened. One day she decided that I needed to have instagram, and created me an account. Then she posted for me. And liked all of her own posts to make herself seem more popular. People started to think it was me, and my friends who had instagram started following me. So I decided to take over because when Hal had posted she used hashtags. And I didn't want people thinking that was me. To the left is the first picture she instagrammed (with the hashtags now removed of course). And in fairness it was a rather cute picture. 

From then I knew if I wasn't to post she was going to do it for me. So I posted my next picture. After that you can kind of guess what happened. I was a little bit addicted. Mainly because I enjoyed the editing of photos aspect because they came with cool filters and you had the ability to make a crappy photo you took look half decent. Now I post kind of often the little random happenings of my day. 

If you would like to follow me on instagram (if you don't I'm not really bothered but I feel if you want to know more about me, and let's face it my blogging will not be as on point as my picture sharing, you might as well just stalk me there). My name is needstogrowup but I'm sure if you type in Elli Mae it will come up. It will look like this. And if it doesn't I have either updated it since then, or someone is pretending to be me. But I really doubt the latter. 

So to make this post a bit more interesting let's have a look at some of the instagram posts. Let's start with the one that has currently received the most likes. Ah where my fringe curve was on point. I don't know why this has received the most likes, personally I would have liked it to be the one on the right because it is just so darn cute, but I guess the people of instagram just appreciate a good hair swoop.  

Another thing I like about the app is the collages you can make, so when I'm having trouble deciding which picture best represents my feelings about the activity I have just completed I can instead share an array of pictures to fully show the awesomeness. 

I guess that should be it for now, I hope that has distracted you from what you are supposed to be doing. See you when I see you!

Failing At Life (2016 Edition)

Wow. It's 2016. So time I guess to partake in the tradition that everyone likes to call. Failing at Life (aka. Resolutions). Last year I set myself some tasks for this year so let's see how well those turned out and make plans for this year which, judging by my previous attempts, will not happen. But I guess it's nice to at least come up with some kind of goal. Also sorry again for not posting very often. I am a failure of a human being as this post will probably point out. Here goes. 

So last year my first task was to lose weight. (Well looking back I actually made a typo and put loose weight, haha silly me). The classic of new year's resolutions. Did that happen? Hang on let me check. No. The answer is no. But hey at least I didn't put on any weight. I am at a constant. Woop! However, I increasingly hate the way I look. Mainly the part that I like to call chubb. The stomach's the worst, then my thighs, and  my boobs need to shrink. I want to wear checked shirts without the buttons straining around the chest area, is that so much to ask? This year of 2016 I would like to become better with exercising and eating healthier and being comfortable with my body image. So back onto the list you go impossible task because I do not have the right mindset. 

Onto to the second task which was using money wisely. And I would say I have completed this pretty well. I actually have money saved up in my bank account, not enough to do anything significant with though. There have also been times where I have gone against buying something for the greater good of my end goal, but looking at this (Please turn your attention to the picture on the left) there have been a few slip ups. Awkward...But overall I would give this a tick as I'm not poor as fuck. I just can't move out which is what I was going to do this for. We'll get there. One day. 

Number 3 was the one I can happily say I succeeded at. Future plan! As you should all be aware of by now I have actually made progress in my career move as I am an apprentice in a nursery (which is like my ideal job) and by July I should be qualified to have a full time job there. They have also offered me this full time position so yay! And I think I would like to train further. The other parts of the plan I am not so sure about. Moving out: well nobody would like to move in with me so I have no clue. Kids and Stuff: not for a while. So my motivation is still at a low but I don't really care. I'm happy where I am at the minute. ish...

Well task 4 was always so certain in my mind. But it didn't happen. I think when I was told I wasn't even allowed to get tested until I was 18 frustrated me so much that I just had to know, but since I've turned 18 I've been more relaxed about it. because I now know that I can just go make an appointment when I am ready. I don't need to know just yet. I have other things to worry about first. Like job, moving out, the possibility of learning to drive, relationship shiz. 

And finally task 5. Do well in 6th form. And my response to this is. HAHAHAHAHA. Fuck that shit. I mean I am proud of 2 of my results. The 3rd well there were aspects I was proud of, like the fact I didn't completely fail the exam I cried in for an hour (personally I think it was because I told the examiner to have a nice day). But I guess this one doesn't really matter so much because 3 went pretty well and I didn't need A-levels for that. However it turns out I needed a GSCE in ICT which I do not have. So resit exam for me! 

Reading back through them were pretty funny because it reminded me how much of a failure I am. So why not make a new list so future Elli can have a laugh in 2017. 

One: Lose weight. Same as always, like what I said earlier. Blahblah blah.
Two: Consider driving lessons. Since I got my job I considered driving a lot. I feel like it would make my life a little bit easier, and it would help if I moved out if I could drive so then where I lived wouldn't be as much of an issue.
Three: Save money for moving out and everything you need to have for driving (lessons, test, insurance, car etc.). As I would like to be able to actually afford the things I plan for. 
Four: Pass my level 2 Apprenticeship. Because obviously I would like to continue working there. 
Five: Be less angry. I can be a very angry person when I want to be, and I hate that side of me. So this year I would like to be more considerate of others when I am having my emotional messes. (I mean I have already kind of failed this already but starting from now I wish to be better). 
Six: Be more social. Since everyone finished 6th form and we all went our separate ways I feel like it's harder to connect with my friends. Because I can't really talk about my work and I don't do anything else I find making conversations difficult in online form. But no-one is really around, or we don't have the time, to talk face to face which is easier. I want to try though. Because my friends are amazing and I don't want to lose them. I would like to take this opportunity to tell them that if I don't talk to you for a while, I'm still here for you. I haven't forgotten about you, I just don't know how to entertain you in a conversation. 
Seven: Blog more. I have sucked at blogging the past 5 months, and I want that to change, because this used to make me so happy. It was a way for me to just escape everything. So I am going to try harder to get out a post at least once a month. But my aim is once a week. 

So that's my seven resolutions. I love the number seven. Don't know why. I just think when people are making lists it is underused. But you have probably figured out I love seven from my Magnificent 7 series. Which is my listing off my favourite things like villains, confectionary and even colours. You can check them all out by looking through my previous posts. Sneaky plug for you there.

Well I hope that has distracted you all from what you are supposed to be doing right now. Thanks for reading. 

See you when I see you!

PICk of the Month: October, November, December (I suck I know).

Hey, so by now you should be expecting a PICk of the Month post. For October, November and in about 15 days, December. Well I'm too behind, they take too long, and they stress me out because I feel I cannot do anything until I have done them. So do I do them now all in one big mash up? Or do I give up on yet another thing I have promised to do this year. I guess we'll mash them up. 

TV Show: So over the past three months I have been loving Agents of Shield, You Me And The Apocalypse, and Girl Meets World. All very different shows but still mean a lot. Shield has just gone on it's Christmas break and OH MY GOD this season has been so intense. Maybe I will do more of a review spoiler thing in a different post. Apocalypse was more of an, I just want to know what happens programme as it was never completely entertaining. But I loved the twist at the end, and I would like it to come back as an after the apocalypse point of view. Girl Meets World is a disney channel show, and yes I am too old to love Disney Channel, but I can't help it sometimes. This show is actually pretty good and it teaches you things about life, like not everything revolves around you and people change people and I just like the story they have because it seems more meaningful than the Disney I had when I was the right age for it. 
Youtube: I hate to say it but since I started my apprenticeship, I haven't been watching as much youtube. I started watching this new guy (to me, he's been on youtube a while) called Matthias and I like his challenge videos with other people and his trying food from different countries. I found it weird when he didn't know what a smartie was. But mainly I have been watching the usual people I have mentioned before. However I shall mention my love for The Try Guys and I believe you should all go watch their videos because they are super funny. 

Blog Post: Let's not dwell on the shame for much longer. There has only been one blog post in however long and that is my life update back in October. So I guess that is my pick.

Dream: Don't really remember many of my dreams. Nonetheless they are all still very weird. At one point I dreamt that I was kicked out of this place and I was all ready to go and find my parents but it was a dark night and everything was foggy and I saw these silhouettes walking towards me and I was only scared by this when people started to run in other directions, so I tried finding a new place to go but they were coming from everywhere so I tried banging on this grand door to let me back in, but then I woke up. Then the other night I had this weird dream that Hitler had come back to life and tried making me a Nazi. I think that had something to do with me watching psychoville that day though. But I was being all free running and climbing along buildings to get away from him. I'm pretty badass in some of my dreams. That's pretty much all I remember. 

Song: Basically anything Fall Out Boy I have been in love with. But I have also rekindled my love for The Killers: Mr Brightside. So we shall have that one. But since it is coming up to Christmas I would also choose Fairytale of New York for the spirit of things. 

Game: Well I haven't really played many games, so I'll go with one I played recently with my friends. Scrabble. Yes the old classic of good spelling. Even though the three of us were mainly getting four letter words. But we managed to get like 100 points by the end of the game and I think that is pretty good. 

Picture: As per everything else I don't take many pictures like I used to. I miss it. Everyday I would snap a picture with someone, every outing would be filled with a selfie or 10 with the same person making the same stupid faces. But now the time is more for talking and catching up. There is this really cute picture of Hal and I on our xmas shopping outing and I treated her to lunch.  
Once again I am sorry for giving up pretty much on this blog. It's not that I want to, because I do have drafts that I am meaning to finish it's just finding the time/remembering to finish them. I will try better next time I promise. But for now just remember. I am always here, just a bit lazy/busy. Unless you don't care. But I care. Because this was my escape for me when I started this 2 years ago. A way for me to complain about things or just take my mind off them. So I will try harder. LOVE YOU! Thanks for the support. 
See you when I see you!

Life Update!

Hey, so it's been awhile since you've read about what I have been up to. Which isn't actually very much. But I'll try and make this as interesting as I can. So I'll split this into sections like I did last time. 

Apprenticeship: Things have improved in this department, as I am getting a better hold on my work. Yeah I still have stress days before my assessor comes in but I think that is normal. I'm starting to feel more like I fit in now which is always good, and recently we had a pj day and I was loving it, and it made everyone seem more relaxed and happy, which is always good. A bad side to it however is that some of my favourite members of staff are leaving, or considering leaving. Which makes me worry that things are going to be a bit shit. But hopefully it won't get that bad, I'll try to find a silver lining to it all I guess. Overall I'm happy with this, and am glad to have found it when I did. 

Social Life: So I'm still being pretty shit with talking to my friends as much as I would like to, but it's just I have nothing to talk about. But I still try to make efforts, by joining in with the group chat when I can, or tagging people in funny posts I find hoping that will lead to something, and more recently making plans to meet up. However most people are at Uni now so it was only really 5 of us. But I still had fun with them all, and it was nice to just chat about nothing. I think being away from people does make me a bit more social. Which sounds weird but to me makes sense. 

Personal Stuff: A new thing with me is that I want to start exercising. And after having a chat with Claire and Lish on the bus it made me realise that I am really the only thing stopping me. So my plan is to organise when and how I want to do this and just do it, and stick with it, and not be worried when I don't get immediate results. Hopefully when I am next posting I can tell you all about how I have started this and how well it is going. 

I guess this will do for now, as nothing else is really going on. 

See you when I see you!

PICks of the Month: September.

Well hello there. I remembered that I made a promise to do a favourite thing every month this year, and I've failed. But I guess that means I will just have to catch up, but I only missed once so it isn't that bad. However I can barely remember what went on in August, but here goes :)

 Tv Show: This month a new TV show started on BBC, when I saw the advert I was kind of intrigued as it made it seem like it was just about a young guy dating an older woman, and his mum was not happy about it. But there was more, and that is why I chose Boy Meets Girl for this month. If you haven't seen it I suggest you watch it all on Iplayer if you can, because it was very cute and just a nice show, which didn't need drama, or to be insanely funny. 
Youtuber: This month CutiePieMarzia made more videos than she usually does. so I had been watching a lot of them, if you don't know who she is, she's a beauty vlogger, but she also does other things, like she takes little trips and vlogs them, and creates weird little horror stories, and plays games (because she is the girlfriend of the most famous gaming youtuber). I like her mainly because she is a bit weird, and isn't afraid to show it. Which is why I enjoy her vlogs.
Blog Post: Well this is easy. Where Have I Been? Shall we just leave it at that to not continue my shame :/

Dream: So I don't remember much about this dream, but I was in this old looking town, and in the middle of it was a swimming pool, with a bunch of different sized diving boards. So loads of people (including myself) were all set up on the diving boards and one person dived in first and instead of a ripple of water it was a splash of the colour orange, and then everyone jumped in and loads of different colours just appeared in the pool, and I was watching it. Then I jumped in, the water turned all murky as if it was a river instead of a swimming pool, and I couldn't find a ladder or anything to get out, and then I woke up. So yeah...

Song: Well since fall out boy are my favourite band expect for most of these choices to be one of their songs. This month I particularly liked. It's hard to say "I do" when I don't. It's just awesome and catchy, what else do I need to say.

Game: Unless you have been hiding under a rock, you have probably heard of the game.Until Dawn!!! I watched the playthrough that Kpop made and it was just brilliant, and like what?! Go watch it. Go watch it. However I think I preferred it when everything could be explained, but my god it was intense, so I don't mind that much. GO WATCH IT!

And finally...Picture: Now I haven't actually taken any pictures. Sorry!
See you when I see you!

PICks of the Month: August.

Well hello there. I remembered that I made a promise to do a favourite thing every month this year, and I've failed. But I guess that means I will just have to catch up, but I only missed once so it isn't that bad. However I can barely remember what went on in August, but here goes :)
Tv Show: Even though it was launched towards the end of August I was kind of excited for the new season of The Strain, and as I didn't really watch much TV from lack of time I have chosen this one as my monthly fav. However I am very disappointed that they changed the child actor, because now he is just douchey. I am enjoying the story so far and was enjoying how we get a little more backstory and the question of how they will kill the master is what is keeping me interested.
 Youtuber: I'm going to go with Markiplier because I remember watching a chain of his videos after seeing a fanimation. I really like some of the challenge videos he does with his friends they are hilarious,and that is why I have chosen him for this.

Blog Post: This is easy as there has only been 3 blog posts in August. Ooops. But I will go with Fact or Fiction because it involves me and the greatest guy on earth :) Sorry for the cringeyness.

Dream: When I first started my apprenticeship I would have these weird dreams relating to the work I did. I remember one (around the time I was off sick from my apprenticeship) to do with food at work, but we were in my bedroom, it was just weird. (yes the picture is of a bed that looks like a chocolate bar)
Song: I'd say I listened a lot to Hello Cold World by Paramore. I just love the beat and the lyrics, it just makes me happy. Plus it's one I can sing to and I love singing so yeah. 

Game: I haven't really played any games, like last time, but I went bowling, so I am going to count that as a game (because it is really) so yeah. I enjoyed bowling because it was with my friends who don't really get competitive as we are all a bit shit (sorry guys but let's face it) and I managed to get 0 points even with the barriers up. Which is pure failure skills right there. This is the closest picture I can get of us bowling, you can kind of make out the pins in the background. 

And finally...Picture: We went bowling as a birthday celebration for Amy and I got some nice pictures that day, however because the lighting in there is terrible some of us just look like ghosts. Plus it's kind of blurry but that's half the fun!.
See you when I see you!