Time to Celebrate.

Hello, so the time has finally arrived. It's my 500th blog post! Even though I'm pretty sure if I hadn't delete a few blog posts in the past, I would have hit this already, I am going to celebrate nonetheless. So I thought real hard about what I could post about. And really there is only one answer. I have some very exciting news to share...I'm pregnant.

Honestly it's not been the best thing to happen, if you read my last post you know that I was let down by some people, and that was basically because I told them this news. And to be fair it was a bit of a shock. As much as I have always said my main goal in life is to be a mother, I know that now is not the most convenient of times. I'm having financial struggles, and the father is still at uni. It's not ideal. But I believe it can work.

So I did spend the first month near enough on a roller-coaster of being happy and miserable. Because I was so excited to have a baby, imagining taking them to baby groups, their little smile. Then the fear of something taking that smile away. Such as them being from a broken home, or them picking up on the tension between their parents. Because as much as I don't want there to be tension there is. I feel no matter what I do to fix it, I'm only making things worse. And I think the thing that makes me miserable the most is that I am the reason. And it will be my fault my child is unhappy. But then again that's probably just the hormones talking!

Let's talk about the fact that, I'm looking forward to seeing my sister and best friend actually come around to the idea of babies. Because they've been super supportive (like all my friends and family, who I love to pieces) but these two have specifically told me that babies ain't for them. And knowing that they are making the effort to get excited just comforts me so much. It's great to think that this child will receive so much love. And being able to discuss things like baby names, or which clothes are the cutest, and when people want to babysit is also a really weird conversation that just seems to happen naturally.

Another weird thing is the actual experience. I had my first Midwife appointment on the 21st November. I didn't realise quite how much paperwork was involved, and that I get given this cute little maternity folder. There's also a few tests involved. Like for carbon monoxide, blood tests, urine tests. And considering my need to go to the toilet has increased the one time I needed to, my body let me down. But my midwife is lovely, and is going to be my midwife throughout the experience which is comforting. I hate having to repeat information over and over again, especially if it's difficult to say. And she was so helpful, talking about the different ways I can be supported in my situation.

She then told me that she'd book me in for the dating scan. Which I should hear about in the next two weeks. So I dreaded the yet more waiting, because those first weeks were torture. But next day I got a letter saying my appointment was the following week! I was very much impressed. Then I got a letter explaining that I had a negative blood group, and needed a further blood test. And then I was told I also need to have another urine test because there was a problem. I'm going to be a pro at taking these medical tests when we get to the end of this pregnancy.

Also, there are some additional perks to being pregnant, alongside the you know actual baby you get to love everyday for the rest of your life. You get an exemption card. So I get free dental care and prescriptions and stuff. Which I doubt I would use very much, but considering finances are one of my worries, I find this a big help.

So I have been writing this in stages, which is why it probably comes across as really confusing. But I just had my dating scan, and oh my god the experience was unreal. I just look over and there they are. My baby. Wiggling about, refusing to stay still. They have inherited my stubbornness at such an early age. They are healthy, they are 12 weeks already which is pretty scary. But I saw them. A little life is growing and moving inside me. It's so fucking weird. But it really is a time to celebrate.

See you when I see you!

People Are Surprising.

Some people say that in times of crisis you see people's true colours. Which is absolutely true. But I don't want that. I want to go back to the fake colours I used to see. I was a lot happier. Not to say that those people's whose true colours remained awesome do not make me happy. I am so grateful to have those people in my life. The problem is I can't have them around all the time. I can't have them for what I need. What I need is a time machine. I just want to go back. How far I don't know. I definitely know that being 21 has just basically been a shit show. Maybe my life would be much simpler if I was just a little kid again. People didn't talk to you so harshly. You had no real problems apart from not being able to play with a particular toy, or having to eat vegetables. 

The most annoying thing is, do I really want to go back in time? Because something changed. And in any other circumstance I would be ecstatic. And sometimes I am. Then there is this drowning sadness. Because I can't get over how some people can treat others. How they think behaving that way is acceptable, and that there wouldn't be consequences. Or worse than that having people excuse their behaviour, because they are upset, but when I act similar because I am upset, I am toxic. The thought drives me insane. And I cannot forget any of it. And I can't cut these people out of my life. Man I wish I could, because I do not need that. I know I mess up but does anyone really deserve that kind of treatment? 

At least I own up to my mistakes. At least I try to apologise for them. And then I sit regretting the things I've done. Another reason I just want to go back in time. Stop them happening in the first place. But again the question is how far back? How much would change? Do I want to risk some really great things, simply because I am not strong enough to handle something shitty? I'm just confused. And I thought blogging about it would help, because I have always said that this is my therapy. But I don't think this can be helped, it can't be fixed. Or at least in the way I want it to be. 

Sorry for not posting in a while and when I finally do it is this. I've been through a shit time, and I think I just need to clarify things for myself. I failed. But I am going to post it anyway, because in some way it helps me feel like I've achieved something. 

See you when I see you!

My Best Friend.

I don't even have to name you, and you are well aware that you are the person I am talking about. It's why I love you so much. You just get me. And let's face it, you are probably the only one to read this anyway.
I've had lots of best friends in the past. And that's probably because I am a shitty best friend. I've hurt people, and I hate myself for that. But when I hurt you, when I thought you didn't want to see me anymore, it was worse than losing all those other best friends combined. It was like I lost a lifeline. And it turns out that I hadn't lost you. (Which quite frankly I would not blame you). And it was the greatest feeling. It made me think about how much I do truly value your existence. How grateful I am for all the choices I made that meant we ended up meeting, to being what we are now. You are the Lily to my Robin, the Linda to my Heather (I will be very disappointed if you do not get that reference) I hate how much I took that for granted. When I went to that place, you said I could come to you, and I didn't. I don't want to be a burden to you. I truly believed that you would be happier without my sorry ass dragging you down. And now I know how much that hurt you, and it got me thinking about how I do not want to do that again. It's not going to be easy, because as I've said to you, that negative state I get into just doesn't care. But slowly there is a voice fighting back, and the more I think about it the more I realise the voice is yours. You are going to be my strength. Because I trust you with my life more than I trust myself. I'm not going to promise you that I'll be the perfect best friend. Because with my track record I will just let you down. I don't want to let you down.
Out of all my friends, I've known you the least amount of time. But we just connected. And even if we drifted apart a little, we came back stronger. Like we were never away. I always know I can rely on you. I always know you will join me in referencing something weird. You make me more outgoing, you make me more confident, you make me happy.
This may be a really weird post, but I just wanted you to know you are my best friend. And I am going to try so hard to deserve to be yours.
I love you.

See you when I see you.

Today I Will...

So following on from my last blog post. I'm pretty shit. I set out to do all these things, and haven't really done them. Therefore I am certain this is just going to be another one of those lies I tell to pretend like I have everything together. Because I most certainly do not.

Anyway, I thought to myself at the wonderful time of 2am. Because that's when all good thoughts happen. That I will create my own system to be more like a normal human person and less like a cat. As all I have done since I last posted really is sleep and eat and crave attention from others whilst also wanting to have my own space and independence. And as much as I do love being a feline I unfortunately cannot live that way.

So my plan is to give my self one task a day. Yeah I know sounds so simple. But to tell you the truth, trying to get me to do things recently is a task. And my only motivation really has been Matt. Which is why I am shit scared he is going back to uni. Hence why I am starting this, to try not to be such a useless wreck I guess. And prove I can accomplish something on my own.

They will start off as little things, to help me gain confidence. Then I will try to be a bit ore outgoing with them. The ultimate goal is to be happy and proud of who I am and what I do. So if I can achieve the little things, I've made a start. Right? Right...?

Well as I stated in the last post I'd achieve all these things, but maybe so many promises is where I failed. So here we go.

Today I will...Write and Post a Blog entry.

Woop! I did it.

You know what that does make me feel a little better.

See you when I see you!

A Weight Has Been Lifted.

I'm not really sure how to start this post. I feel like it's been so long since I last posted I may as well just give up with the blog entirely. And that's because I've not really had the head space for it. I've not really had the head space for much aside from, going to work, and thinking of ways I never have to go to work again. And it got pretty bad, and I went into a state I liked to call Hermit-ting. Which is basically hide away on your own and hope that you just disappear. Which was not healthy. But I was getting to the point I didn't know what to do. 

To sum up the story. I've been signed off work for the next 4 weeks. And as soon as I was told this news, I was so happy. Because the stress I've felt from work had just gotten to much, and I felt like I wouldn't do things for myself, or when I did I couldn't fully enjoy it because I was tired. Therefore I feel relieved that for the next month, I can just do what I want, and not have to worry about it. Until it comes to the time I have to go back. If I go back. Those are the conversations I have to have with myself and it is terrifying. 

My plans in this time to try and get away from my hermit state, be productive. So I will be:

• Looking for new jobs, that will not be as stressful and hopefully closer to where I live. 
• Cleaning my flat and regaining some kind of routine to keep on top of it. 
• Seeing my friends and family, because when I look back at the stressful times being with people was the only time I was happy. 
• Starting up my diet again, because it failed due to stress eating. This will also link with starting to exercise. 
• Blogging/editing videos. As I had a few videos in the editing stage that have never gotten further than that, and I just like these times because it's a chance to be creative, and now I don't have the stress of work it would be good. 
• Playing sims. Because I spent a lot of money on this game, and I don't really play it enough because I just never had the time. 

I'm excited to have this period of time, even though I wish it didn't get to the level it got. And I also hope that I don't get to that point again, especially coming to the end of the time away. We will see. 

Sorry this is a weird post, but I just wanted to kind of use this as my thinking space, because this is a weird time for me. To be fair when aren't times weird for me. 

See you when I see you!

We're Going On A Hare Hunt.

Yeah I know, Maddy got there first. But did make take 3 hours to edit a 3 minute video? I don't think so.
If you would like more of a run down of what actually happened, and to see some better photos of the hares in question, I personally suggest you click this handy little link here, which will take you to Maddy's first post about the occasion. And I guess because you are a lucky bunch you can also have this link to her second post about it. Because as you will see this takes place over two days.
Enjoy my hard work.
At least it's to a good song.

See you when I see you!

Just June.

Let's not talk about it...

See you when I see you!

London Haul.

So I feel a little bad I have gone AWOL recently. I'm going through some stuff. Therefore I thought I would make this, which is something a little different to what I normally do.

A while ago, my sister made the suggestion to go on a shopping
spree in London, and we finally decided on a date. After the week I had at work I very much needed that time to treat myself. And it amazes me how there are still parts of London I have not explored. The place is huge! This time the main focus was Stratford. Which had a huge shopping centre. Shopping centre's seem to be turning into a little city in themselves it's strange.

Anyway, we arrived at Liverpool street, and took a train to Stratford, and immediately found a Disney store. No other store is worthy, except maybe a Primark. We also went to a Lush, Typo, Nandos, and Nyx. Then outside there were cute food trucks, where I got my first rolled icecream. It was delicious. There was also some amazing pun based donuts, but since I already had the ice cream I think I may have to save that for my next trip.

Then I wanted to experience Camden, and it was a cute street, and we got my dad a father's day gift from the market. One thing I loved about Camden was how the shops were decorated, they're just so pretty. And it made my game I always play in London (spot the Pret) far more interesting.  Whilst in Camden we got lost trying to find the nearby spoons. But it was worth it. I had a Sex on the beach, because "there's always time for a cocktail". That's a drag race quote by the way.

After this we then went to a Primark where there is a whole section
dedicated to Harry Potter, it was incredible. And we also went to another Disney store. Which had these cutest bags, that I really wanted, but due to price I couldn't get them. So let's just enjoy the picture.

So as I did buy things, it's time for a brief haul segment. You know just to make this that tad more interesting. We will start with the not so amazing things I purchased, and work our way up to the best. You know to keep you reading.

First we have a lint roller, high excitement already. It's from Primark, it has cute Llamas on it, and I did need a lint roller, so the practical uses were there.

Another practical object from Primark, but I like to use multicoloured pens at work. Plus it's my little pony, and if you've read my blog before, you know I enjoy that.
(cheeky link to that blog post here)

Next we have a little headband, that I thought would look super cute on me, but I think how my hair flows it looks a little weird. It's one of those wrap around fabric ones, with a floral pattern. I mainly use it for when I (rarely) put on make up.

Then we have a cream floral play suit. I always wanted to try a play-suit, but I think due to some body insecurity issues, I have returned the item.  Plus the material was weird to me. To the right we also have a blue dress with flamboyant sleeves, which I thought would be very nice on me, but I think the shape around my stomach looked weird. So again I returned this product.

 Next we have a bath bomb from Lush, and I believe the main reason I got it was because I saw on Instagram Dan Howell had also used this one. I love the smell of Lush products, and this one did not disappoint. I very much enjoyed the bath I had with it.

I so wish we had a Typo in Norwich, because the things in there were so cute! Just look at this Ariel badge, which I just had to get. Obviously. Also from Typo I got this cute set of headphones, I spent ages debating on the perfect pair, because one looked like a watermelon, some had lemons on it. But I think this simple, one works best. Mainly because I am in love with the pastel colouring.

Now on to the very exciting stuff, if you have room for that. So as you know from the first part of the blog, I went to 2 Disney stores. In the first I saw both the following items, and was tempted to buy, and said that I shouldn't because I am not made of money. However, upon seeing them again I convinced myself it was destiny. So now I have a very cute Incredibles t-shirt, which when I put it on I realise that as much as I wanted to be Violet when I first saw the film, I am now Elastigirl with my short red hair.

Then of course we have "Edna Mode" I know you said it in the voice. And I know I do not need anymore plushy toys in my life, but I do. It's a problem that will never go away.

NO CAPES!

Now I mentioned that in one of the Primarks, there was a Harry Potter section. And yeah I could get some HP merch anywhere nowadays. But to get my own custom t-shirt for £8. Sign me up. The challenge was deciding on just one design I wanted, because I think I could make a whole collection. But with the help of my sister, I decided upon my favourite quote of the series. "I can touch you now". And it is super cute and I am very happy.



More Harry Potter merch, in one of my favourite forms. Pyjamas! Because if I could spend all day in bed. I would. Trust me. To the left we have some legging/lounge/pj bottoms, that have some simple HP logos down the leg. Cute. But the best purchase to me was the PJ/lounge hoodie on the right. Because you cannot see in the picture, but this shit is so soft! I am in love with it, and it is a struggle to wear anything else.


Well, I guess that's all.

See you when I see you!

aMAYzing

Hello, yes this may(ha see what I did there)be a little late, but these things take time. And I'm lazy. And no-one probably really cares about these. Nonetheless, enjoy watching this video about what I did in May!

See you when I see you!

13 Reasons Why.

What's this? An actual blog post, with somewhat decent content? Emphasis on the word somewhat, because me and decent never really mix well. Anyway... Let's start by saying that I am very confused. Because I began writing out this blog post, with the knowledge that I had already talked about the first season of the show which is mentioned in the title of this post. But after trying to locate it so I could link it in, I realised I have fabricated this whole event. Unless I had drafted one and then deleted it because I felt it lost it's relevance, I don't know. So I guess we are just going to have to talk about the whole two series of joy. Haha. Prepare for a very ranty ride ladies and gentlemen. 

By the way. 

Spoilers. 

Let's start with season one then I guess, which I would just have to base purely on memory because I haven't seen it in like a year. Here we go. Basically I enjoyed the premise of the show, the fact you had a journey to discover the reasons why a girl felt like suicide was her only option. But I felt like things were very dramatised around it, making all the events seem somewhat far-fetched. Yeah I believe that people can be bullied over a picture, friendships end, guys are dicks, and that being raped can happen, and I'm sure there are cases that all of this does happen to one individual which is truly awful, but I just felt like given the circumstances, it was dramatic bullshit. Mainly and purely for the fact that so many people heard about the accused rape. And did nothing. One of which being a member of faculty. Therefore I spent the last episode (and most of the series to be fair) hating practically all the characters. Because I just hate thinking people can act like that. 

So then we go on to why I had to watch season two. So I can hopefully have a bit of closure, and characters can redeem themselves. And what a fucking waste of time that was. I don't know why, but I watch a lot of shows, all with like an hour long episode, and those can feel like they end too quickly. 13 reasons why however, you zone out feeling like half a day has passed and you still ain't finished the episode. Pure torture.  I just feel the show would work better as half an hour episodes. But that's just me. Anyway, I got no closure, because some characters just make me so fucking angry. Marcus, like why would you lie in court to protect him?! Makes no bloody sense. Then there's Montgomery who made me want Tyler to shoot someone. Because that (I want to use the C word, and if you know me you know that's some serious shit) needs to be fucking dealt with.

I guess I am more outraged about how there are people in the world that are genuinely like this. And I am happy the show portrays these people because hopefully it get's the world to see that we need to sort this out. We need to stop people being dicks so others don't kill themselves, or go on murderous rampages.

Yeah, this was a weird write, but I just had to vent some feelings after watching this show. Because there are just so many emotions, and if I do not explain to use the reasons why, then I don't think the outcome will be good.

Thank you for sticking with me, sure it can't be easy.

I'll see you when I see you!

Mad Adventures: Newcastle.

Hey you lucky bunch. I've actually made another post for the month. And it's a video. Don't expect this often though. This is just a video about my trip to Newcastle with Maddy, so enjoy!
See you when I see you!

Awkward April.

IT'S ABOUT BLOODY TIME!

Yes I know we are 12 days into May, so I should probably get started on that video now so I can actually post on time. But as I briefly explained I had technological issues, and then was very busy. You're lucky it is done now. Enjoy this mediocre piece of stupidity.

See you when I see you!

Patience.

Hello everybody, I just thought I'd write a quick little post. Not that anyone aside from myself really cares. Basically I was super prepared for the May post about what I did during April, but technology had other ideas, I have re filmed just need to edit so it will be delayed, hence why I want to warn you about it. This weekend has been very busy, but in such a great way, which is why the blog has taken a bit of a break. Just be happy I am happy.

See you when I see you!

Turning 21.

Oh my gosh I'm making a post! What is this life? But as you know I have been quite busy sorting out my life, and I am not quite there yet. To be fair I don't think I will ever have my life fully sorted out, which is probably why I end up being really stressed, because I like to have meticulous to stick by, but things recently have been out of my control and it freaks me out. Because my biggest stress is having time to do things. Which is why turning 21 was such a scary process, as it's supposed to be this big birthday, something special, and I just felt like I didn't have time to properly celebrate because there was so much other shit going on. I wanted it to be perfect, to the point where I probably made it shittier.

Don't get me wrong I had a lovely day, and I will talk more about it when I do my infamous vlogs about what I get up to each month, but I just feel like when I look back at turning 21 I won't think Wow that time was immense. You know? Which was no fault to those who helped make it special. Because I am so thankful to everyone in my life for putting up with me. How do you do it? Sometimes I just feel like I'm such a disaster to be around. Yet you are there. Some brave and brilliant people my friends and family.

So I'm not really sure what else I can talk about in this post, because I feel like some things I wanted to save for another post on it's own. Such as the progress of my moving out, or the events of my birthday, or how stressed out and pissed off work makes me. Man I could talk about some things for hours. But for this post I'm not really sure.

I guess I just wanted to say that I had this idea about what turning 21 would be like, and it was nowhere near my expectation. Not to mean it still wasn't good. Just not what I think. And maybe that is my problem. I get too in my head about how things should be. So on reflection of the last 21 years on my life, I need to care a little less. Have FUN. Great now I have the fun song from Spongebob in my head. Anyway. I need to stop sweating the small stuff.

Another thing, which my mum tells me I need to do is stand up for myself, be more adult. Because sometimes I think I have so much fear of how I'm going to be perceived it makes me very naive and a pushover. Which isn't going to get me very far in life.

Conclusion: Appreciate those around you. Appreciate you.

Look at me being a self-help blog.

Sorry this didn't make sense, I just felt like I needed to post something. Hopefully the next one will be better.

See you when I see you!

March Madness.

Hello, my life has been crazy this month, and there is one way to find out just how much. Watch the incredibly cringey video!

See you when I see you!

Relief.

Once again I am having a very busy time, when don't I nowadays? So this is probably going to be a quick little post. Mainly because I have been wanting to post it for almost a week now. Shame on me.

March started off very hectic for me, there was a lot of stuff to do in terms of work as we had an impending audit and my assessor was coming in to see me. So Elli got very tired and very stressy. But as you can tell from the title of the video...video? I mean blog post. Why did I keep that mistake in? I don't know probably to fill up the page as if this had a word count and I was writing an essay. I don't think I would get very high marks on this.

ANYWAY...

That visit with my assessor got me to 100% on my coursework!! Which means now when I sit at home binging Netflix I don't feel guilty that I should be doing coursework. I'm not definitely signed off an completed, because it all needs to be double checked by my assessor's boss, but for now in terms of coursework stress, I can relax.

However, life ain't that simple. There's still a lot of stuff to do, still a lot of things to stress about. Hence my not blogging. Don't expect much.

See you when I see you!

Which is probably a long way away. 

Sorry none of this made sense. 

Fabulous February.

Hey guys, so I've finally made a video. Yay. And it's essentially the exact same as last month, with a slight variation. But I hope you enjoy it.

See you when I see you!

RuPaul's Drag Race.

Hey Queens, so today I thought I would talk about a show I have recently watched (yeah I know I'm a little late to the party). But as some of you know I am a Big Brother fan, and the most recent winner Shane Jenek was best known as an Australian Drag Queen Courtney Act, and featured on season 6 of RuPaul's Drag Race. Now because my sister became obsessed with them, she felt the need to watch this season. So when I came home from work I would catch the end of an episode or two before we decided to properly watch it together. Because oh my gosh the bitchy drama.

So to start with let's just talk about my love for RuPaul and how jealous I am that he looks like a better woman than me. I also want to be this good at eyeshadow.  And he's just such a lovely inspiring person, and I wish I knew him personally. Plus he can write a catch song. "Oh No She Better Don't!"

Also from a previous Celeb Big Brother, I fell in
love with a lady called Michelle Visage (as you would know from a video and blog post I wrote about the season she was in) And she is a host on this amazing show. Yeah I'd like her to be a little less bitchy but I guess the brutal honesty is part of the job description.

When watching it obviously I routed for Courtney as she was the only one I knew, but when you already know what position she came in you had to find someone else to like. Which did take me a while. So I really liked BenDelaCreme because I liked to add AlaEdgar
onto it (Comment if you get the reference) And she was a good talent. And when she was in the bottom two for elimination and they had already told Darienne (ugh) to Shante Stay I was like NO, but it turns out they both could and I was very happy. Until she had to sashay away later on. SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE WINNER. I also thought Ben was an attractive man.

However I did like the finalists. Adore was Adorable. Courtney has a better body than I do, and Bianca was hilarious as much as I didn't want to like her. You warm to her as the season goes on. Plus she has her own film, which is actually really good.

But the challenges in the show were my favourite thing, because some were just too funny. Like the rapping for the incredibly catchy song Oh No She Better Don't, and the musical they put on, the ads they made, and weird acting things. My favourite was when they had to make up a Groom as a Bride, and then Ru married the couples because he just so happens to be an ordained minister. I want him to do my ceremony. Let's not forget the Lip Sync- FOR YOUR LIFE which came at the end of each show and was like the final chance to stay, because some of them were just so good.

This was a really good show, but I'm not completely sure if I would watch the other seasons, because I feel like I'd be like "oh where's Ben? Or Courtney?" I would feel like something was missing. We'll see. Apparently there are All Star seasons and BenDelaCreme(AlaEdgar) is in that so maybe we could give that a watch.

Anyway that is all the blog post I can master for now. See you when I see you!

When You Need Content.

Hello everybody, and by everybody I mean a select few people who stalk me, just as much as I stalk them. Today is going to be a post I haven't done for a while. You ready? A TAG! Yep so excited. Basically I saw Lish write a tag which she stole from Siobhan, so it's only natural I steal it too. Because Sharing Is Caring. So here is my rendition of the Questions You've Never Been Asked Tag. Even though I am sure I have answered some of these before. At some point. I've done a lot of tags okay sue me.

If you would like to check out the amazing post from the two before mentioned, extremely beautiful girls click on the super handy links below.


Now back to me because it's the whole reason you are here.

1. What’s your favorite candle scent? Yanke Candle, Cappuccino Truffle. Literally cannot get enough of it when I go into Boots.
2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister? Poppy. Because it would be nice to not be the weird sibling.
3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother? Andrew Scott. I would make him constantly act like Moriarty.
4. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married? Not to hint too much  but mid-twenties.
5. Do you know a hoarder? Sometimes I think I live with one. Sometimes I think I am part hoarder. I do not judge. 

6. Can you do the splits? HAHAHAHA. I will die.
7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? I don't know. Young?
8. How many oceans have you swam in? I don't think I've swam in any.
9. How many countries have you been to? 2. I'm so adventurous. Considering half of that is the country in which I live.
10. Is anyone in your family in the army? Not that I know of.
11. What would you name your daughter if you had one? I have many names I like. So far I'm really into the name Lia. But it's not completely up to me.
12. What would you name your son if you had one? Like Dylan or Toby, but again not just my decision.
13. What’s the worst grade you got on a test? U. I was devastated at the time, but evidently has not negatively impacted my life.
14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child? I had many. Really liked Sailor Moon.
15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight? The Classic Witch.
16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series? I own all, but not actually read the Hunger Games. Twilight did not appeal to me. Harry Potter is awesome.
17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent? Or a weird mixture of both? Wait I already have that...
18. Did your mother go to University? Yes, she trained as a nurse.
19. Have you ever taken karate lessons? No, I really wanted to in high school though.
20. Do you know who Kermit the frog is? How can you not?
21. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to? Only ever been to Pleasure Beach in Great Yarmouth.
22. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in? Well I know how to say I love you in Russian so it would be good to know more of the language. I would also love to speak Welsh, and Japanese, and Polish. I want to speak all the languages basically.
23. Do you spell the color as grey or gray? First off *colour. Secondly Grey because I didn't even know you could spell it gray. Unless it's like prey and pray, but I don't understand how that would work...
24. Is your father bald? No, if anything he gets too much hair.
25. Do you know triplets? It just so happens I do. They are lovely.
26. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook? I haven't ever seen The Notebook, and am not actually confident I have fully seen Titanic. But I feel maybe The Notebook would irritate me less, because Jack could have definitely fit on that plank.
27. Have you ever had Indian food? Yes. I like it, but wouldn't go crazy for it.
28. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant? Tough one. Probably Zak's. Now I want to go to Zak's.
29. Have you ever been to Olive Garden? No, and not really sure I want to.
30. Do you belong to any department stores (House of Fraser, John Lewis etc.)? I don't really understand how you belong to a store. But these places do not really appeal to me.
31. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender? I'm not sure. Probably something weird, and not spelled the traditional way.
32. If you have a nickname, what is it? Well Elli is a nickname. There are more, the list is endless.
33. Who’s your favorite person in the world? I'm not going to answer this through fear of offending people. 

34. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs? When I am old, like Grandma territory, rural, but until them I'm a city girl.
35. Can you whistle? Yeah. I like to whistle tunes to keep me sane. Cannot do a wolf whistle though.
36. Do you sleep with a nightlight? No, I just have the main light on. I'm scared of the dark, sue me. But please don't because I already waste enough money on electric.
37. Do you eat breakfast every morning? When I wake up in time yeah.
38. Do you take any pills or medication daily? Yeah.
39. What medical conditions do you have? As far as I am aware I do not. However I do want to have some bruises on my legs checked out, because I feel the amount I get is unnatural.
40. How many times have you been to the hospital? I don't know the exact number. There was when I was bored, a few genetic consultations and one for a lesion on my mouth.
41. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo? Yes, because I am a massive Pixar fan.
42. Where do you buy your jeans? Primark, I only shop in Primark. I like what I know.
43. What’s the last compliment you got? "You will go far"
44. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning? Sometimes. Usually bizarre.
45. What flavor tea do you enjoy? Classic English Breakfast.
46. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own? Like 7?
47. What religion will you raise your children to practice?  The religion of thinking for yourself.
48. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real? 20, No I'm kidding. I don't remember that kind of information.
49. How old were you when you found out that the tooth fairy wasn't real? *See Answer to Number 48*
50. Why do you have a blog/make videos? I love having something physical to look back on, and think, wow this is what I used to be like. Plus it helps me deal with stress, and cope with situations.

So that was it. Fascinating I know. But I'm just thankful I have some content, because it can be a real struggle sometimes. 

See you when I see you!

Positively January.

This month has felt like it was going on forever! So to try and make it seem a bit more cheerful, I made a video about what I enjoyed in January. Enjoy!

See you when I see you!

Yadda Yadda

I know I've been away again, but it has been a crazy time. Which I feel is only going to keep happening. So we've got that to look forward to. To catch you up on the goings on of my life, I have been promoted at work. Initially this sounds like great news. But it's not all that great. No matter how much I tell myself that.

We'll take a step back to why I am being promoted. Basically the original Room Manager of Pre-school has decided to go work for a smaller nursery, which for her was the right decision and I'm happy she's happy. However, I was worried about her leaving, because since I started she was my support line, she knew how everything worked, and she was just so helpful and friendly. I saw how stressed she got when she was promoted to that position. So obviously I'm scared that this will happen to me. And after this week, if anything my fear has been confirmed to be rational.

I'm not going to go into too much detail about how I feel at the minute, but it basically comes down to the fact that I feel I am not being given the time to achieve what I am expected to achieve, management tell me that they will not set me up to fail, but it is essentially all they have done. YaddaYadda. It doesn't help that I am stressed out from other aspects of my life.

But yeah, I am coming home exhausted and unsure of how best to move forward. So wish me luck.

Sorry I couldn't be more interesting.

See you when I see you.

Perfect Balance.

If you are coming into this post thinking it will be like some sort of self help book, where I give you advice about how to find perfect balance in your life. You may as well go now. Because on this blog we more discuss the failures of my being and how this concept is unobtainable. But you know got to draw your attention some how.

 As I mentioned in my last blog post, I had failed to blog consistently. This was because in my list of things I needed to do this could be sacrificed more than the others. Which irritated me so much, but I just didn't know how to balance everything to make time. It was the lead up to Christmas so I had to ensure all my work stuff was up to date so I could relax, try to finish my coursework, go Christmas shopping, wrap the presents, see friends and family, spend time with Matt before he goes back to uni, play animal crossing, eat, sleep, try to carry out my diet plan, and think about all this stuff I had to do. Which sounds easy enough, but it really isn't. Especially when the most important things to me on that list, are seeing those people are love so much and make me happy, and sleep. Because sleep is just so fucking good.

So at last Christmas is over, but I still feel just as stressed. Mainly because of coursework. Mainly because I seemed to have lost all motivation to do so. I'm so close to the end of my course I can taste it, yet I get to my computer and I just can't seem to do any. What makes it worse is how there is now so much more pressure to complete it. Because the deadline is getting closer and work wants to promote me, but that can't really happen until I am completed. So could me not being motivated be my way of saying I'm not ready for these new responsibilities? I'm trying to cling on to the good old days where I could get away with the bare minimum because I was still learning. I don't know.

But I really struggle at the minute. To find this balance. I try to focus on the things that make me happy, and I often feel I am making the wrong choices. So maybe sacrificing things now will help in the long run. But then I think about what if my life ends tomorrow. I don't want to regret missing out on seeing those certain people. I don't want my last moments to be about coursework. I just wish I could find some way to pause time. So I could do all my coursework in a space where I am not tired, I do not need to be at work, or see my friends, and I have exhausted all the videos on YouTube and the tasks on animal crossing.

Hopefully, my stressed motivation will kick in and I finally finish this goal. And once it's over that's it. Unless I want to complete a management course, but that isn't really on the table right now. I want to try and sort out the other aspects of my life for a bit. Wish me luck with that.

See you when I see you!

Ashamed.

Hello everybody. So you've probably been wondering where I've been. I say in hope that someone actually reads this, even though I know that no-one actually gives a shit. Anyway. Yes I have not blogged, or vlogged or something along those lines, and it really fucking irritates me. But I just have not had the frame of mind to do so. A lot of stuff has been happening whether good or bad, and I just hasn't felt right to sit and focus on this particular task. So, to myself mainly. I'm sorry.

Nonetheless, it's a new year, so it's a time to make plans  for improvements. And if you know me you'd know I'd need a lot of improving. So let's review the list I made last year to see how well I improved on them, before ultimately making my new resolutions, to better myself. Here we go.


1: Move out. HAHAHAHAHAHA. 

I mean this year I did make an awful lot of progress, going to flat viewings and actually applying for a place, but I soon realised that it was not going to happen because I do not earn enough money. So really it was not my own personal undoing but the unfairness of society. 

2. Learn to drive. Yeah this has not happened either. Haven't even looked into it. Thought about it, is as close as I will go. At least for now... But essentially this failed because I just simply did not have the time for it

3. Exercise more. Aka. Lose weight. This one I can proudly say I am achieving. Yeah I started in October, but I still actually started and am still sticking to it. Basically I have tried dieting, and cutting down on calories, and I have been on the odd jog and do some exercising activities. At this current point in time I have lost 6.1kg, and I'd say that deserves a round of applause from me. 

4. Stop letting people who mean nothing to me get to me. There's been a lot of drama this year that I am not proud of. But I'm proud that I've made the decision to stay clear of it now, and I am happier for it. You just have to move on right?

5. Be more organised with coursework. Another laughable moment. I just keep telling myself there is only 18% left. 

6. Bringing the debate back to whether or not to get tested for Huntington's disease. I was right I didn't stick to this one. There's been to much other things going on. Recently I thought about it a lot, but I think with what is going on I'd rather not know my fate. 

7. Keep up with the consistent blogging. Well I did achieve this up until December, so I am counting this as a win. I even brought back the vlogging regularly for a brief stint. The last couple of months have not been the best okay. But hopefully I can try to keep it going, because it is a nice escape. 

So that was ultimately a fail. And I thought to myself that I shouldn't even bother for a task this year, because these all end up the same. However, in the true spirit of New Years, even though we are 4 days delayed. I will give my one, yes one, resolution. Which is....

Be Happy In Myself. 

Yeah I just simply want to end 2018 thinking that I am actually proud of who I am. I am comfortable in my own skin. I am the reason I am happy. 

There we go. Check in next year to see the outcome! But check in between that time, because I don't want to go through this journey alone. See you when I see you!