So let's start at the beginning. Yes this is going to be an insanely long post so feel free to back out now.
As long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. Because I know that it would probably be the only thing worthwhile I can contribute to society. In the family I grew up in I knew focusing on a career doesn't always go as planned, because my mum trained as a nurse, but ultimately had to stop working all together due to having anxiety and depression, then there's my dad who despite having lots of experience in the field, would be made redundant on more than one occasion. Besides I knew I wasn't going to be smart enough to become a scientist or doctor, and I didn't have the talents to be influential in fame. But I had always known I had wanted to care for someone. Which is why I went into the childcare sector as a career.
I had always wanted to be a younger mum, purely for the fact of I want to be around for as much of their life as possible, and I would want my parents and even my grandparents to get to know them. Because of how much these people meant to me, I want them to mean that much to my child. Plus I always feared the biological clock. Like what if I waited too long and then that was it, I had wasted all my eggs having periods and my chance, to be a biological mother at least, had gone. However, as I got older I did become more aware of certain practicalities that would need to take place, such as having a suitable place to live and the money to buy the things we would need as a family. And I also knew that the father would need to be ready so I wasn't as desperate for it to happen right that second (besides I had a job which was essentially being a part time mother anyway). So I was taking the contraceptive pill, and had taken it for like 4 years at this point.
However, the universe works in mysterious ways. Around last June we had hit a wall. A wall I like to explain is a bit like Jenga, where it was huge, but then I would tackle the negative voice, and be able to take out pieces so it either got small, or in hopes it would collapse entirely. Either way, June onwards was like bricks just kept piling up. Then August I finally cracked, and left my heavily stressful job, but then was left routine-less and somewhat depressed. So I honestly couldn't tell you what happened on a day to day basis over the next couple of months. Everything seemed to blend into one, of what I referred to as the hermit stage. And it's hard for me to say if I was on top of taking my pill everyday, and it just became ineffective due to my stress, or if I just thought to myself that I had been taking it, because I couldn't quite remember what was going on, and my main focuses were not wanting to self harm, and to actually eat food for that day.
Either way, on October 26th I took a pregnancy test, because around that time I was starting to feel mentally better, but something physically still felt off, and I was just trying to piece together the whole pill puzzle and was like, aah. But I still didn't think I would actually get a positive result. I remember being sat on the sofa with my boyfriend and I looked at it, and just so much went through my head. Because I was pleased, my dream was coming true, to me it was a reason to keep existing which was a debate I had with myself intensively over the previous months. But then there was the fear, of how are we going to afford it? And what would people think of me? Because I have literally just broken out of a "depressive" state, it had only been 10 days since I had last tried to harm myself. Nobody would think I would cope. Luckily for me I had my family and friends who helped figure out ways to support me. So I did have some confidence there.
When I went to my dating scan on November 28th I discovered that 12 weeks and 1 day of the pregnancy had already passed. Which was pretty scary. But it helped me realise something about how I could cope. Because the times I felt the most down around the end of September and beginning of October I was pregnant, so it could have just been a low mood heightened by the hormones of the first trimester. But then that was also just as frightening because I realised that I didn't take the best care of my body during this time, and I was informed that stress can affect the growth of the baby, so obviously I was scared that I was being bad at the only thing I thought I could be good at. So the first trimester was not fun for me.
The second trimester had more of an improving feel. As it was more of the I need to just get shit done phase. Such as figuring out where to live, how to afford it, and what to do about my mental health. So we had applications to the council, singing up to the job centre/getting a second bank staff job, and frequent visits to my GP. Plus just trying to be as social with those who supported me as much as possible. So the feel that I was capable was growing, and my excitement to be a mother was at a high. The only thing that would bring me down was around those who were not initially supportive. Which I have spoken about a little in the above mention posts, and throughout my blogs. But I tried not to let that get in my way of making this situation amazing. I was also getting appropriate support from the NHS through midwife appointments, a consultant appointment, a visit from the health visitor, and a meeting with the perinatal mental health team. All of whom are currently working together to figure out what action is best to take leading into my third trimester, because it is said that hormone levels change again, similar to the first, and because we all know how I felt during that, it's best to have a plan. So hopefully that will be figured out in April.
But as I have explained to them, I have started to be more positive, as this pregnancy has moved forward, simply because I've had reassurance from the scans and the fact that I can feel her move (oh yeah she's going to be a girl). More recently as well she is like a little kicking machine, and the feeling is really difficult to explain, it's almost like a bubbly effect. But being able to feel her everyday just reminds me that something great is happening. And I am making something great. Like I can feel her kick whilst writing this so clearly she agrees. The only thing I'm not very good at is talking to her. Mainly because I hate the sound of my own voice. So really she only hears this when I am with people, or when I am singing. I talk to her internally though, I like to hope she can understand, and I believe we have these little conversations. I know it's not possible, but to me it is more comforting.
Currently I am in the process of applying for maternity allowance, and discussing with my employers when would be the most suitable time to start my maternity leave. Which is a strange thing to sort out because I don't have the foggiest what is going on. And I am applying to housing so it's just waiting for the best one to turn up. Which I hope happens sooner rather than later, but I guess there are people in more desperate needs to be housed than myself right now.
Anyway, I have been prattling along for a while now, so I think I should move on to something a little more exciting. BABY THINGS! I know technically this is all baby things, but now we are more specifically going to talk about the adorable things. I first bought something like really early on. And I know that you shouldn't really do that because of jinxes and all that, but when I was feeling low, I needed it to comfort me. So I got this cute little Turtle taggie thing. Which is pretty gender neutral, because obviously at the time I didn't know what gender they'd be. Plus in this day and age you don't really play to gender stereotypes anymore. I was then able to hold off for a while on the things I got. And when I found out the gender there was a slight surge of lets get cute things/ I want to be prepared for the chance she is early. So with the help of my Best Friend Maddy I was able to sort out an entire hospital bag of stuff. My other friends have also been really good. Siobhan, Amy and Jordan have gifted me some items, and Scott was trying to be a financial support. Then there is my mum and my sister, who have gotten so much stuff.
Now the hospital bag stuff is pretty boring so I'll just share some pics of the cute baby stuff that has already been purchased, and it will probably be the first of many.
So I am sorry for this being an insanely long post, but I just wanted to share a little more about my experience. And hopefully it can help others. Because if you are also in your early twenties, have suffered with your mental health, have financial struggles, and do not have the support of a partner, then you can still see that there are people to help, and things will be okay. Family, Friend, the NHS, and even local support teams (such as MAP in Norwich) can help you. Because no-one wants you to struggle.
Thanks if you did read all of this. See you when I see you!