Journey to Elli.

What is this?

What's happening?

Someone send help because Mad and a Little Bit Weird is actually writing a blog post! I know. It's okay it's probably never going to get posted, as I have a draft from back in March that I started and never looked back on. But I guess if you are reading this it means I finally hit that publish button. Or someone else hacked my account and thought posting my drafts would be a fun trick to play. Well jokes on them because nobody cares. And something I have tried to tell myself repeatedly is that other people's opinion should not define who I am. Yet on a bad day we forget all that, but anywho... I thought now was as good a time as any to fix myself, because you shouldn't need this, I'll start on the new year or on a Monday bullshit, if you want to make a change you have to start NOW!

There are a lot of changes I would like to make to myself. So in this space I will kind of just outline why I got to this point of realising I need to make these changes. It all started I don't know when, probably deep into the seeded pit of childhood, but I used to always want people to like me, often the wrong people, and I ended up being a dick towards people who actually liked me for who I was just to please this larger group of people. Which is wrong. Something I have learnt over the last year especially is that the number of friends do not matter, it is the quality of those friendships. I look back at high school/6th form and I belonged to a group of like 20 odd people who all intertwined, and yeah the random conversations you could come up with were great, and we did all have good memories, because you had a decent amount of people to play paintball or laser tag. The only problem is when a group is so big there's so much drama, because not everyone likes everyone else the same amount. So you get smaller group break offs and people not being happy they have then been excluded, and about 15 different group chats you are trying to keep up with because some can't include that certain person, and then you end up accidentally messaging the wrong thing into the wrong group chat, and people have to take sides, and you try to think the more people you have on your side means you are the better person. But what if all the people on your side aren't good people either? Then you become this little ball of stress wondering if people are talking behind your back or agreeing to meet up with you, cancelling because they are sick and it turns out they are just going to spoons instead. Like that's all crazy and it's no wonder I crack from time to time.

So pretty much the group broke down and I now have 6 friends (and their boyfriends, but ultimately I don't really talk to them they are just extensions of my friends, but that might also be because of lock-down and not really having the opportunity for them to join a group meet up.  If you go back to like my second ever blog post, I know a proper long time ago, you can see how much everything has changed. Even in the last year my whole friendship ideals have shifted dramatically.

And the above was all written by past Elli in 2023. And guess what Internet. I still haven't found myself, and guess what, the journey looks like it is about to get even longer. So I'm actually going to hit the publish button because this needs to stop sitting in my drafts, and I actually need to start finding myself. Because I have been lost for a while, and I would like very much for her to come back.