May have not been that bad?

Now this month is good for the memes and jokes. May the fourth be with you, it's gonna be May, and something else that will fall into that category. But for me (imagine I said it like may though because it's funny) it is often a very confusing time because it feels like everything is happening. There is a slight element of consistency to my rebrands I take on in April, there is hope forming that actually I might make something of the year, then slowly the anxious delusion sets in that something awful will happen, what will go wrong? Then that thing goes wrong. Currently though I feel I am handling that better than I would have in previous years, which my therapist tells me is a sign I am improving. But again I am always improving, until I am not. Anyway....

I AM ELLI : The things that didn't go so well this month was naming 3 things I liked about myself. Though I can say that I have been kinder to myself, saying that I have been doing good things and all that. But I don't think I am quite ready to say there is something likeable. Another not so well thing is that I abandoned my crochet projects, however I did complete a couple of painting and cross stitches. I have felt quite well rounded this month for the different things I have done, like reading, crafting, puzzling, and playing different games. So I am hoping I can keep that up. 

I AM A FRIEND: Task to get a photo with my friends complete. though I could have gotten more, particularly one with Amy when we went to the bull for a meal later this very day, but I am still proud I have achieved a goal. This day was so long ago now, but I loved it, going to the cinema to watch The Devil Wears Prada 2, joking about pee and diet coke. Then meeting up with others for a meal. However I was getting hangry having to wait, but at least I was in good company. One of my community group pals also invited me to the cinema to see OBSESSION, and like the title I am obsessed. I loved it, and I liked spending time with this person outside of our craft bubble. I was also proud of another friend who bravely spoke up about needing some support, and I was honoured that they appreciated my help the previous time that they felt safe to ask again. I think it is a shame to think when I am in my low friendships are one to get affected the most, so I am liking that I am getting my sociability back.  

I AM A MOTHER: As per usual my time as a mother is a huge rollercoaster of emotions, as I feel like everything is lovely one day and the next I am doubting everything, believing I am messing her up and just yeah. Some downsides have been when I have really tried to advocate for my own needs and she has just not been having any of it. It gets really hard because my therapist talks to me about how most of my negative predictions won't come to light, but they can do with Nora. I can predict the meltdowns, and stress, and then it just help confirms that everything is going to be a catastrophe. Now let's turn all that on it's head with some positives. My goal was to take Nora to the park, and I completed this many a time, as hanging out at the park afterschool became a little routine. Thanks to some wonderful suggestions from Dean, I also got to take Nora on an adventure to Pleasurewood Hills, and Hemsby Beach. Lots of smiley memories are made and I hope I can have these imprinted in my brain whenever the fog tries to take over. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER: My house is still in a reasonable condition. Yeah it isn't perfect, but I have been able to keep on top of it. Even started some cleaning tasks I wouldn't normally do, like washing the windows. Dean and I also took advantage of the weather and managed to start some gardening tasks, and I put out some of my solar lights. There are more still clogging up my cupboard under the stairs but at least I had made a start. 

I AM IN A FAMILY: I am a bit worried writing about this category as I feel like I have not done anything. I mean I have. I have thought about my sister, checking in, finding cool presents I think she would like, just generally hanging out with her. I have been planning mine and mum's evening out in July, and talking to her lots about books, I have seen my dad and grandmothers. So that's good right? I don't know why I don't feel like that is enough I guess that is something I can discuss in therapy.

I AM A PARTNER: One thing I am very thankful for this month is my amazing partner Dean. I would say he is being more of a top quality partner than I am, planning awesome days out, and just being a great love and support through my challenges. There are times when I usually wake up in the morning and just go do my own thing, so I did try to take a little time to stay cuddling Dean. Even just more in general I wanted to pause and say yeah it might look lazy just cuddling my partner, but actually I am building connection. I have often tried to watch some football with him, and have been enjoying it, though I can end up falling asleep most of the time. Dean is just to cosy. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: This month I am very proud of myself for going back to work and having a pretty okay time. I have written observations, assessments, contributed to planning, had decent conversations with co-workers and completed my side quest of catching up with training! The main downside has been the not being able to function in the heat, and that appears to be my biggest trigger for stress. It is honestly a nightmare I am either too cold or too hot, and there is now calm medium. I still tired after work, but I am seeming to be better at recovering from this, though I still fear that burnout is imminent. But I feel support, I have better understanding of myself, so hopefully I can function at work. I was also pleased that I attended a staff meeting, and a work outing! I always struggle with connections as I often feel the only thing we have in common is work and nobody wants to talk about that ALL the time, but actually I find that I had a really lovely time at the baby shower we had for two of our co-workers. 

This month has felt long, has felt a lot. Like some of these events I feel like have just vanished from my brain like they happened years ago, but in a way that is good I guess. I have bene able to be more, enjoy the moments and create lots of moments, as opposed to dwelling or obsessing over the few. So how would I like to progress in June...

• Advocate for my needs 
• Start planning a friend group catch up!
• Make Nora's Birthday Special.  
• Take clutter to the charity shop
• Get something to celebrate Father's day.
• Make Dean's Birthday Special.
• Work a 10-hour shift 

See you when I see you!