Trying To Make It Not So Bad- April

Well hello there. Let's start by giving ourselves a round of applause for getting 1/4 of the way through 2026. Whether it has been pleasant or absolute hell, we are here to say we are here. So let's look back at how I got here over the past month, because it has been... it has been... well I can't really think of a good conclusive adjective. 

I AM ELLI : I would say a big theme for this month has been THE REBRAND. I just had it in my head I was going to become someone new/ truly find myself, and things were going to get better, despite what Mindless Self Indulgence likes to tell me. So I leant into my hobbies, and was also trying to test myself with techniques and things I wasn't really used to, and some turned out okay, some not so much, but I ACTUALLY COMPLETED A CROCHET PROJECT!!!! I also got back into the reading rhythm this month finishing 3 books. I had a lot of stress this month because of my impending birthday. I don't know about you, but my birthday can be triggering for me in respect to what I have achieved with my life, what will I achieve in this next year, and one of the most difficult, how will I answer "what did you do for your birthday?" Simply, I played games and ate pizza and cake. It was nice being able to get to spend time

with people I love, and having them reassure me that it was okay to not go wild celebrating just another day in the calendar year, but I have such weird expectations of what I think society would want from me. I had began therapy this month, which is always a strange experience, because I love to try and please people so often will tell the therapist what I think they want to hear, and does it actually make me better in the long run? Probably not. He has already gotten me to cry and be honest about how I felt stupid because I didn't know the answer to his question, which turns out itself could have been the answer to the question. But I overanalyse questions and answers. It has to be right, but I don't know what right is, and I find it hard to judge what you think is the right answer. It is better to just not talk sometimes.

I AM A FRIEND: I managed to have Paige and Abbie at my house this month for a little catch up which was a nice chill time. I wish people in my life were more available like that. Just come for a cuppa and a chat. PLEASE. Because how valuable the time is everything feels like it has to be some grand event but it is just so much pressure to perform. I want to be real. I want to chat to you. As part of my rebrand I am going to try and be better and checking in with my pals regularly, just gotta hope my RSD doesn't kick in. During the easter holidays I missed my community groups, and feel like this contributed towards some of the down times I faced. It doesn't feel me with much hope for the summer when I would be 6 weeks without them. No Elli do not think about it, that is still plenty of time away. Just think about April in this moment. (even though it is May as I am writing this, but the point is to reflect on April). I did tell myself that I was going to get picture proof that I actually have friends and clearly I failed at this.

I AM A MOTHER: Twas the Easter Holidays at the beginning of April, which fills me with fear. Not because I don't love spending time with my daughter, but I hate the expectation I set myself for us to have an fun filled time, and how tired I get very quickly, and how Nora will constantly act like what we have done is never enough. I did enjoy our times swimming together, going to various parks. We played a LOT of barbie. I was also very proud of myself for solo hosting a playdate for Nora and her school friend. I think I had done a good job of balancing fun and preparing her to go back to school. I just also filled with a lot of self doubt because when I would try to explain to her my feelings it just feels like it isn't validated, and I know she is 6 so then I feel guilty that I am expecting a lot from my 6 year old, but it is really hard to try and be kind with your internal voice when external voices are contradicting. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER:  I am actually really proud of myself for the steps I have taken in terms of household jobs and whatnot. I knew I wanted to begin sorting the summer house, so that started with getting rid of a big pile of clothes that Nora and I grew out of and I just never got round to taking them anywhere, but I got a whole £1.50 for them at Cash4Clothes. I also had piles of Nora's old toys and books collecting because I always felt they were too good to just throw away, and I wanted someone to make use of them. So I went back onto my Vinted account. I have made a bit of money so far which empowered me to declutter more things that I don't really get joy from anymore. But I have also given myself a limit of what doesn't sell by the end of May it will just go to a charity shop, because IT NEEDS TO BE OUT OF MY SPACE. I have also tried to divide up my house so I can keep on top of tidying it all as opposed to the worst areas, and that overwhelms me and I avoid doing anything. So I gave each section a day, and I have to spend at least 10 minutes in that day doing some kind of task to improve it. Like I will clean the windows in the living room, I will wash the towels and bath mats in the bath room, I will put the laundry pile away in the bedroom. And hopefully if I keep on top of these small jobs the overall place looks nicer. And so far it is working, as really only two rooms are looking bad, and they are always the problem rooms, but there is significant improvement, whilst also the rest of the house not getting worse in the progress of those rooms being improved. Well Done ME!

I AM IN A FAMILY: Privileged to spend time with my family on multiple occasions this month, as well as getting photographic evidence. It was nice to chat to my Nanny about what she really thought about the mother's day gifts from my parents, as that then helped me think about what to get her for her upcoming birthday. I also managed to get Nora to badminton with my other Nannie, and this was a tradition when I was little, so I like sharing this with her. Though my Nannie is not the skilled badmintonner she once was bless her. My parents are always a pleasure to have round, even though my mum will often drop by pointless things for me, and they often treat Nora with stuff too, which is nice but also is giving Nora a slightly spoilt attitude towards things. I had some of the best moments with my sister this month, as we enjoyed a drag show together, and made plans to go to a concert in Liverpool together in July. However, getting time off work for that proved difficult so I AM REALLY SORRY! We have also been on several little shopping trips which is always fun. 

I AM A PARTNER: April is usually a good time for me and Dean, as we get bonus bank holiday time, and he treats me for my birthday and our Anniversary. 7 whole years! I have been trying to make more time for Dean, because often I feel like he gets the least because he is the most understanding, and that just isn't very fair. We went on a little walk together, "enjoyed" a carvery, started watching Daredevil and Taskmaster together, and even playing the odd little game on one of our consoles. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: Huge success I turned up to my work building, in my work uniform and stayed for 2.5 hours. I have also had a couple of occupational health calls, and just general meetings to help get me back to work. So I am going to build myself up slowly over May in a phased return so watch this space to see how that plays out. 

So as I said before I cannot really think of a good word to describe this month, but I have being laying down the foundations for what I am going to try and be hopeful and say will be at the very least...a good May. Therefore the MAY GOALS ARE:

• Name 3 things I like about myself. 
• Get a picture with a friend.
• Take Nora to the park. 
• Put out my garden ornaments. 
• Do something kind for my sister.
• Spend at least one morning having a cuddle lay in. 
• Catch up with training. 

Annoyingly with the rebrand I have done, I no longer categorise my life like this, like some have clumped together, some have divided up, you know life. But that leaves me with the dilemma of breaking the consistency in the next post or just figuring out how to continue on this path with my new vibes. Well I guess we shall see and I shall See you when I see you!