It's A...

Stubborn little shit. So as most people are probably aware by now, I am currently pregnant, and last Wednesday I went for my 20 week scan. Yep halfway through, super scary. And everyone knows at this scan you can find out the gender, and not that I am really bothered by whether or not I have a boy or a girl, it would be nice to have this information.

So I got to the hospital, and was freaking out for various reasons, mainly being told that my stress I've had over the previous 20 weeks means there has been some kind of growth defect. But thankfully I have one strong baby. Everything seemed to be healthy and on track, and I was so pleased. Then it was time for the discovery, and baby wasn't playing ball. When they first appeared on screen I saw their little legs tucked up I knew I probably wasn't going to get an answer. I had to wiggle about, and they just didn't want to move, baby was comfy and I don't blame them for that. Because I don't like moving when I'm comfortable, I like having my legs crossed, and my hand in front of my face. So as frustrating as it was that I couldn't find out the gender of this little person, I was pretty happy that I was seeing qualities of myself in them.

However, now it meant I had to tell everyone who knew I was going for the scan, that there is no answer to the most asked question. And I hate that kind of feeling. Plus, like Barney said in How I Met Your Mother "I GOTSTA KNOW!". Luckily for me I have a super supportive friend with similar views on having to know. So we found a private clinic in Norwich called "Window to the Womb" and made an appointment. And yeah my baby could continue to be more stubborn, but when you pay for a service they tend to try a little harder to please you.

Therefore, we skip ahead to Saturday. And I was feeling less nervous about being told something was wrong, but was still worried about which gender my baby would be. Not really for my own preference, but because I know that my sister really wanted me to have a girl, and my friends all thought more towards the girl side. And in all honesty there'd be times I'd think about them and I thought about a little girl. Anyway, I got there, and saw them on screen once again, with their legs tucked closely against their body, hand in front of face. Baby Brown was making it very clear that they were in charge. So I had to go to the toilet, and have a little wiggle in private, and I could feel baby was not very impressed by this.

But it all worked out for the best because, little baby moved just enough to see what they are and....

There was some excitement in the room. There seemed to be a lot of excitement from everyone. However, now I know my mum's instincts aren't as accurate as I used to believe. So I'm going to have a little girl, may the cute outfit buying begin!

See you when I see you.

1 Second Everyday.

Last year my friend Emma introduced to me this app called 1 Second Everyday, however we mainly referred to it as second of the day. She introduced it to me a little late into the year so I couldn't start it myself, but I was always so interested in what she had put and new I did want to try and commit myself to doing one in 2019. And here we are.

Back in 2015 (wow that's a throwback) I had started doing those daily selfies, in hope I could collage them at the end of the year. But I gave up around June time, because they just started looking too samey and I just lost interest. And when you think about it I gave up with my monthly videos around June as well. So come June, I do feel these second videos will die. And to be fair I'm due to have a baby then so I doubt I will have time. Or it will literally just be filled with videos of them. I guess we will see.

I have always made it very well known that I enjoy mementos and having something to look back on so this is really up my alley. However the stuff I have so far has just made me realise how boring my life is. Maybe that can be some kind of inspiration to make my life more interesting. Try to do something a little more exciting everyday, that is worthy of being shown in a second format. And when there is something remotely interesting happening I am recording it, and will probably cheat a little to make other days look better. Because I don't really want constant shot of what I watch on Netflix or me walking to work.

I don't really have much else to say about this, but I often like to think if I blog about it I have to be a little more committed to the idea. Plus I want to be more regular with blogging, despite how long the post may be. See you when I see you.

Commitments.

Being an adult is a struggle. When I was younger the only real commitments I had was attending school, and completing homework. Other than that my mum did everything for me. And now I am becoming a mother for myself. So shit I need to start doing everything, not just for me, but for them.

So it started with finding a job. I mean I already kind of had one, but they are not hours I can live off. Therefore I searched for a second one. And managed to get that pretty quickly. Therefore I have to ensure I go to work, to get the money.

I also had to try and find another source of income, meaning I had to get help benefit wise, which I always wanted to avoid, because I always feel there are people who need it more than I do, but I have to think more practically. The first step was going to Citizens Advice, whose main advice was to use google. So I used google, and signed up to Universal Credit.

Which led to more commitments, like attending regular appointments with a work coach, going to youth workshops, and completing paperwork. Which I find pointless because I do have jobs. I just can't earn what they want me to earn in my circumstance. Because let's face it I'll only have that full time job for 6 months maximum. But if I want the additional support paying my rent, I have no choice.

I also now have to make phone calls to sort out registering for a council house. I have anxiety about phone calls, especially when they want you to use the phonetic alphabet. But seriously what other letter do you confuse for U? But yeah I need to dedicate time to ensure that me and BB have a place to stay.

Speaking of BB (Baby Brown) there are also the commitments I have to take for their care. Such as attending midwife appointments and scans. Making sure I am consuming folic acid, and aspirin daily, and also eating well. And trying not to be stressed. Which if you read my last blog post that is a commitment I fail with.

I find it difficult trying to balance all these. My head is spinning just thinking about all the things I need to do. And that's not even including the things I want to do for myself. Such as going swimming to stay more active, blogging more regularly to keep more stable, or my other project I am working on. Let alone commitments to seeing friends. I think I will manage somehow. I need to manage somehow.

See you when I see you.

Dwelling.

I've been told that I need to manage stress better. And pretty much from my first blog post I have always described this space as my therapy zone. Because writing down my feelings, or putting my efforts into something a little creative just helps my mind a little. Yeah it doesn't cure me, I'm not sure anything really will. But I definitely need help right now. Help that doesn't involve others, because as much as they say that they are going to be there for me. They can't always be. Or they just can't be in the way I need them to.

My worst problem is my own mind. I'm told to just calm down, let things go, move on. And I really want to. But I can't. When I am stuck on my own, there's that voice. You know like the one Katya said in her commercial "you're not good enough". Which you can see by clicking this link. And unfortunately 'Krisis Kontrol' is not a thing. But yeah that voice is there, questioning my life. I managed to get rid of her for a bit, when I was happy. I felt it worked in the way of there was always a comeback to contradict her words, and I'd say back in June when I guess I stopped being happy, it got harder to fight back, because she made the most sense. And then the problem became that she wasn't the only voice. I had a work manager who confirmed my self doubts, then I had a motherly figure throw me out, and a boyfriend who became non-existent.

Yeah I have friends. And as much as they try they can't stand up to these voices that tell me I can't succeed how I want to succeed, I can't be a mother because it will be a car crash, and I can't be loved like I love others. And yeah I left that job, yeah they apologise, yeah they try and make up for their actions. I should move on. So why don't I?

Personally I think it's been a mission of mine to self destruct. Like I crave being miserable. Because in a way it is easier than being happy. So I'll remember all of these shit experiences. Try to relive them. Or am I just hoping that if I go through them again and again I will change the past, reach a new outcome, and finally feel better.

I don't want to keep being a burden to people. Feeling like I need to rely on them to maintain my happiness, because they have their own lives going on. And to be fair I need to know how to look after myself, because if not how am I going to bring up a child. I child I already fear I am damaging because of how stressed out for the 18 weeks of their existence, and how I know that I will still be stressed out for more of it. So I want to fix it. I want to draw, or read, or play the sims, or blog. Something should surely help me tackle this voice. Look how great I can be. But I just don't feel great. Because I dwell on all the shit things I have done. Not being good enough as a child, so my mum had to stay in hospital. Bullying people. Selfishness. Doubting people. Getting angry for stupid reasons. Stopping talking to someone. Being bad at my job. Wanting to kill myself. Being careless. Lying. Snooping. I deserve to be alone.

I just don't know how to cope with that. So here I am trying to cope. Badly I might add. But you never know, maybe I can be strong enough to tackle the voice again, and I hope that comes pretty damn soon. Until then...see you when I see you.

So Long 2018.

Hello, so it's everyone's favourite time of year. Reviewing the year, how well I've completed resolutions, and what I have planned for the all exciting 2019. It's going to be a long one so grab a drink, maybe a few snacks, sit back and relax your way through someone's life that you probably couldn't care less about.

The main way I like to look back on the year is through social media, as it's the helpful way to store memories. So we shall start with this infamous blog itself, and what do you know it starts with the hopes I had for this year. Which was to simply be Happy in myself. And once again guys, you guessed it. I failed. So shall we look at why this was probably the case? I'm basically going to break it down by months, and what I felt were the main lowlights and highlights.

January

Highlights:

• Spending New Years with Matt.
• Dad's Birthday.
• Lish's Birthday Celebrations. 
• Work Outing.
• Being Promoted. 
• Sister's Birthday.
• Watching Coco.

Lowlights:

• Being Promoted/Work Stress.

February

Highlights:

• Outings with Friends.
• Rupaul's Drag Race.
• First Doctors/blood test.
• Group Games Night. 
• Work Party.
• Dates with Matt.
• Phone Upgrade.
• Snow.

Lowlights:

• The unexplained bruising.
• Work Stress
• Phone Dying

 March

Highlights:

• Finishing my Coursework.
• The Greatest Showman.
• Seeing Friends. 
• Mother's Day
• Finding a Flat/Moving
• Siobhan's Partay.
• Easter.

Lowlights:

• Snow.
• Work Stress.
• Moving Stress.

 April

Highlights:

• Seeing Friends.
• Family Time.
• Anniversary with Matt.
• BIRTHDAY.
• Making a Home.

Lowlights:

• Broken Phone.
• Cutting My Own Hair.
• Work Stress.

May

Highlights:

• Nights Out.
• Family Time at the Beach.
• Dan + Phil in Newcastle.
• Baby Shower.
• Sofas Finally Arrive. 
• Films- Infinity war, Deadpool 2, Hurricane Bianca 2
• Getting up to date with work.
• I blogged more.

Lowlights:

• The Rest of the Year wasn't May. 

June

Highlights:

• Nights Out.
• Amy's Housewarming.
• Shopping In London.
• Father's Day in Cromer.

Lowlights:

• Work Stress/Stress Leave.
• Being Drunk. 
• Betrayal.

July

Highlights:

• Hare Hunt.
• Paid to go to the Circus.
• Started at the Gym.
• Films- Incredibles 2, Mamma Mia 2.
• Murder Mystery!
• Mum's Birthday at the Beach.
• Fun Fair. 

Lowlights:

• Work Stress.
• I stopped Making Videos.
• I started self-harming.

August

Highlights:

• Going to Spoons.
• Drag World.
• First time at Popworld.
• Game Night.
• The Spy Who Dumped Me. 

Lowlights:

• Stress Leave.
• Interviews. 
• Loss of Self Confidence.

September

Highlights:

• Biddy's Tea Room.
• Started Going Swimming.
• Family Time. 
• Began to Draw Again. 
• Game Night.
• Maddy Rose Warnes. 

Lowlights:

• Lost My Routine. 
• Tried to Kill Myself. 

October

Highlights:

• Nights Out.
• Bake Off with Maddy.
• Matt's Birthday in Cambridge.
• Started a new job!
• Family Time.
• Found Out I Was Pregnant. 
• Pumpkin Picking/ Carving. 

Lowlights:

• Betrayal.
• Tried to Kill Myself. 
• Lost a family.

November

Highlights:

• Fireworks.
• Dynasty.
• Family Time.
• Crimes of Grindlewald.
• All My Friends.
• First Pregnancy Scan!

Lowlights:

• Citizens Advice,
• Being Single. 
• Trying to Adult.
• Messenger Died.

December

Highlights:

• Wreck It Ralph 2
• Got a Second Job.
• Family Time.
• Christmas.
• New Year's Eve.
• My Friends.
• Ice Skating.

Lowlights:

• I Went Crazy.
• Lot of Self Hating. 

As you see I got a bit real there. But I think the only way to move on in 2019, is to be more honest about my past. Not that I think I will let things go so easily, but it's the start of the process. 2019 is going to be a great year. I need to focus on the amazing people in my life, and the fact that I'm going to bring in an amazing person to the world. 

I hope that despite how your 2018 went, you can find the joy in the coming year. We can be in that together. 

See you when I see you!