It's a strange word isn't it. Well actually when you think about it all words are strange but let's not get into that. A friend is something different to everyone. To some it's someone you hang out with, you have lots of them. Others it's someone who is there for you and you only have the one. No answer is the same. To me it's both. I have lots of friends I enjoy hanging out with, but not all I would, I wouldn't say trust but, not want to burden with my problems. All of my friends however, I try to be there for.
And yes, Dear Friend, I fail sometimes. But nobody is perfect. However, I am not the only one. I do not stand alone. But calling out these people doesn't make me any less to blame. It just means I cannot be the only one to place blame onto.
I remember a time, I treated people so poorly because I thought it would make me happy. I thought I needed the approval of a so called "Friend" but for them to make me do that is not friendship. So I built on that. Yes I broke it a couple of times. There are no excuses for those. But I want to take this time to say there was a high school rumor I helped to spread, but I want you to know I didn't create it. Not saying that excuses my actions of spreading it. I just need you to know that. Then I tried to build it all back up again, and it worked. Slowly and carefully it worked. I trusted you with secrets, I told you things that I probably shouldn't have. But you were my friend.
I remember when you went through a difficult time. I worried about you. I talked to your family even when you didn't want me to, and actually got mad at me for it. But it's what you needed. I did it to help. because I was your friend. I've seen you get hurt lots of times, and it has hurt me. Which is why I wasn't so trusting to the new happiness. I feel so bad that I can't be happy for you, but I'm too wary of you getting hurt. Which sounds stupid, Dear Friend, but it's how I feel. However, I continued seeming like it wasn't a thing, until I felt I got pushed to the sideline. It was all about this new thing. and it made me feel like everything I'd done, how hard I tried to be your friend, didn't mean as much to you as it meant to me. Because you had your new thing to keep you happy.
So yes. I'd complain about it. Yes I'd bitch about it. Because I was hurt. It's how I deal with being hurt. And I think it's why our other Dear Friends have done the same. But I just want to get one thing straight. If you think I am the person to comment harsh things behind a screen to directly hurt someone you are mistaken. And the fact you think that of me hurts me so much.
As far as I am aware, the person who posted on your Instagram was not a friend. As for the blog post, I genuinely have no idea who that was. I didn't even know about it until another friend had told me. Which is why I screenshotted something which I feel then made you think I had done the thing. But I only did that so I could check you were okay with that third party friend. (Sorry if that got confusing). The point is. If they weren't friends. Why do words like this keep popping up?
Even after you said this to me.
I know I'm no saint. Dear Friend. I know I shouldn't bitch. I regret things I say, but it never stops me saying it again. But I just want you to know that I've only ever done it when I get hurt by something. Which I know is hypocritical because it then hurts someone else. But unfortunately for people in this day and age it's a natural coping mechanism. And there isn't anything we can do but try to move forward.
Which I tried to do with you. I explained the situation and wanted to continue being friends. But since you cannot move on, Dear Person. I am truly sorry. I tried and failed. I just want you to know that I would appreciate if you could stop highlighting my failure. Because how is that acting anymore grown up than myself. We are hypocrites. I've accepted that. I will admit to my wrong doings, because trying to make up for it, will make me stronger. And yeah this post itself can be considered petty or whatever. I just wanted you and everyone to know, that I suck as a person. I suck as a friend. This is me going to deal with that.
To any other friend I have wronged I am sorry. Acting and Feeling sorry is all I can do.
See you when I see you.
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