The Cursed Week.

The events of the past several days has lead me to label this The Cursed Week. Not necessarily the bad things happening to me, but just a sense of what else could go wrong, what else could make everything more stressful. 

As you have probably seen from my recent blog posts that I'm not really in the best of places. Don't get me wrong I am getting happier and trying to distract myself from the stress. But that doesn't really deal with the problems. They are still there. And I struggle knowing what to do with it. Because most of it comes from work, and I don't know what I can do. As I love it there, usually, and this is what I want to do in future, so leaving will just make things more complicated. But this very moment in time work sucks. 

We all work long hours, get moaned at for the little things we do wrong but never get praise for the mass amounts of effort we put in. Which then in some vicious cycle leads to us getting more things wrong, or making ourselves ill so we don't go to work making everyone else more stressed. Last week in particular was just stupid. Photo day at the nursery is a crazy day on it's own because the children go crazy when not in routine. But add to that the fact 4 members of staff were not in. It was a nightmare. Then a friend had to go home because she was having pains and everyone worked pretty much the whole time the nursery was open. And for me and a few others the work doesn't end there, because I come back to do coursework. Which I think management fail to remember. 

Then when the staff returned the next day it is like they failed to appreciate the good things we did. So the mood goes down, and things go wrong. So I was already wanting to give up by Wednesday. Which has become a pattern now. We are not even going to discuss the events of Thursday but it lead to a few of us at work just bursting into tears. It just made me thankful that Friday for me was a half day, so I actually got time to relax. 

As the new week has started I am worried that the cursed week will still haunt us. Yeah it's not been as bad in terms of incidents, but we have all still been working ridiculously long hours. We still don't get thanked for that. We still don't get appreciated for the good things we do. We still feel so physically and mentally drained that we don't want to do anything. So then we get stressed because we have other commitments in our lives. But what am I meant to do? Because right now I see no hope in it getting better, but as I said before, if I leave before finishing my qualification I've gone through all that for nothing. 

Wish me luck, and I promise I will try to be more upbeat in my next post. See you when I see you!

Tips For Life.

As I have now spent a month in adulthood I thought it would be nice to share some tips I am figuring out on how to live. But I realised that it would be hypocritical of me. Because I have no idea what is going on, and how I can make it livable. Let alone am I acting like an adult. Maybe it is to do with my youthful look as my sister always tells me. But does anyone truly act like an adult? We all have moments I'm sure. Moments you want to act like a little kid, moments you do things that are immature. To me it's because being an adult is stressful. I'm constantly worried about work and time and what would happen if I don't complete my responsibilities. Which in turn makes me feel like I'm neglecting things that make me happy. And if I'm not happy, am I living? 

I've made lots of mistakes. More than I can count. And I know for a fact I am not the only one. But I try to pride myself on making up for mistakes. Trying to be better. It's why I try and be less of a shit to my parents. It's why I want to always be there for my friends, even when they say they don't need it. It's why I hate letting people down. It's why I work so hard. And now it's why I feel so shit. I try and do all these things to make up for my mistakes. But in reality people still think what they want. They still think I do the horrible things I haven't done since I was in high school. So what's the point in acting like an adult when no matter how hard I try I will never be perceived as one. 

But my tip can't be don't make mistakes. As it's the learning experiences, and you never know it is a mistake until you've made it. I can't even give tips on how to deal with it. People say ignore it, people say prove them wrong. I've tried. I'm sick of trying. I just want to curl up into a little ball and forget the world exists. Forget that I exist. 

I don't think there are any tips for life. We all simply exist. Successful or Not. Happy or Not. And it just sucks. I'm sorry that this is such a downer, and I don't even think it makes complete sense. But as I've said countless times, this blog, these posts, are my therapy sessions. So thank you for being there. I'll see you when I see you. 

Friend.

Dear Friend,
It's a strange word isn't it. Well actually when you think about it all words are strange but let's not get into that. A friend is something different to everyone. To some it's someone you hang out with, you have lots of them. Others it's someone who is there for you and you only have the one. No answer is the same. To me it's both. I have lots of friends I enjoy hanging out with, but not all I would, I wouldn't say trust but, not want to burden with my problems. All of my friends however, I try to be there for.

And yes, Dear Friend, I fail sometimes. But nobody is perfect. However, I am not the only one. I do not stand alone. But calling out these people doesn't make me any less to blame. It just means I cannot be the only one to place blame onto.

I remember a time, I treated people so poorly because I thought it would make me happy. I thought I needed the approval of a so called "Friend" but for them to make me do that is not friendship. So I built on that. Yes I broke it a couple of times. There are no excuses for those. But I want to take this time to say there was a high school rumor I helped to spread, but I want you to know I didn't create it. Not saying that excuses my actions of spreading it. I just need you to know that. Then I tried to build it all back up again, and it worked. Slowly and carefully it worked. I trusted you with secrets, I told you things that I probably shouldn't have. But you were my friend.

I remember when you went through a difficult time. I worried about you. I talked to your family even when you didn't want me to, and actually got mad at me for it. But it's what you needed. I did it to help. because I was your friend. I've seen you get hurt lots of times, and it has hurt me. Which is why I wasn't so trusting to the new happiness. I feel so bad that I can't be happy for you, but I'm too wary of you getting hurt. Which sounds stupid, Dear Friend, but it's how I feel. However, I continued seeming like it wasn't a thing, until I felt I got pushed to the sideline. It was all about this new thing. and it made me feel like everything I'd done, how hard I tried to be your friend, didn't mean as much to you as it meant to me. Because you had your new thing to keep you happy.

So yes. I'd complain about it. Yes I'd bitch about it. Because I was hurt. It's how I deal with being hurt. And I think it's why our other Dear Friends have done the same. But I just want to get one thing straight. If you think I am the person to comment harsh things behind a screen to directly hurt someone you are mistaken. And the fact you think that of me hurts me so much.

As far as I am aware, the person who posted on your Instagram was not a friend. As for the blog post, I genuinely have no idea who that was. I didn't even know about it until another friend had told me. Which is why I screenshotted something which I feel then made you think I had done the thing. But I only did that so I could check you were okay with that third party friend. (Sorry if that got confusing). The point is. If they weren't friends. Why do words like this keep popping up?

Even after you said this to me.





I know I'm no saint. Dear Friend. I know I shouldn't bitch. I regret things I say, but it never stops me saying it again. But I just want you to know that I've only ever done it when I get hurt by something. Which I know is hypocritical because it then hurts someone else. But unfortunately for people in this day and age it's a natural coping mechanism. And there isn't anything we can do but try to move forward.

Which I tried to do with you. I explained the situation and wanted to continue being friends. But since you cannot move on, Dear Person. I am truly sorry. I tried and failed. I just want you to know that I would appreciate if you could stop highlighting my failure. Because how is that acting anymore grown up than myself. We are hypocrites. I've accepted that. I will admit to my wrong doings, because trying to make up for it, will make me stronger. And yeah this post itself can be considered petty or whatever. I just wanted you and everyone to know, that I suck as a person. I suck as a friend. This is me going to deal with that.

To any other friend I have wronged I am sorry. Acting and Feeling sorry is all I can do.

See you when I see you.

Those Happy Times.

Hello. So as I've just celebrated the 3rd birthday in the last month I thought now would be a good time to talk about how I celebrated these happy times.

First we will start with mine and Maddy's as it came first. It's only logical.  We technically had two celebrations. One being a group get together for drinks and a catch up which was nice despite the bailing. But I got an apology for that. The other was a beach trip. Which was great despite the cold weather.

It started by Matt meeting me and giving me my presents then Emma came along and I opened hers and we chatted and drove to get Maddy who was late. As always. And we exchanged gifts which was fun. Then it was the drive there which was mainly chatting. At Hemsby we met with Paige, Lish, Amy, Jordan and Scott. And after saying a quick hello to my Nan who partially lives there, we went off to the arcade. Where I think we annoyed the people working there from constantly asking for them to get our prizes.

After this we had the idea to go mini golf! Which was hilarious because we were all shit at it. Our team had the rule of only 5 shots or you get 10 points. If not we'd have been there for years. Especially since we would hit it off the course and into the river and plants and anything else really. So despite getting a hole in 1 I didn't win, but Maddy got me a medal to make me feel special.

Once that was over we went to the amusements and everyone went on the waltzers. Let's just say some had more fun than others. So we decided to go on the dodgem cars which was crazy. And the main time I decided to take pictures. I really hurt my knee when people crashed into me. Some of us also decided to go into the haunted house and I'm not proud to admit I had a genuine freak out. But it was pitch black and I knew something would scare me. Which scares me more than something scaring me.

Then after all this excitement we went to the beach, and thankfully I had Scott who was crazy enough to join me in the sea. And Amy's boyfriend Jordan briefly joined us for a dip which was awesome. Even though when we finally had to leave the sea I was freezing cold. Getting changed was a nightmare. The gang then ate cake and I opened some more gifts and we just chatted as time flew by. We parted ways in the separate cars, but met back up for a sneaky McDonald's. It was a great birthday.

Like a week later was Siobhan's birthday, and she kept it simple with a meal to Frankie's and Benny's. It was on a weekday so I came straight from a long shift at work. I had fun chatting away, drinking my F Navel. It was much more relaxed but not any less enjoyable. I did feel really bad that I wasn't my best self, because I didn't want to ruin Siobhan's celebration. So once again to Siobhan I am really sorry. I love you.

An apology should also be said for Paige. Because during her birthday celebrations I again wasn't giving it my all because I was so tired from work. But I really did try. I enjoyed the chitchat of predrinks and eating pizza. Then putting make up on Scott and getting the bus. Drinking an entire pitcher of sex on the beach and going dancing. Trying to safely get Paige home and telling her about all the things she did. Perks of staying sober.

Even though I don't really seem up to these things. It doesn't stop me wanting to and trying. Because the way work has been lately and how stressed I feel. I need these moments. No matter how small they are. To try and take my mind off things. So to all my friends I am sorry I seem down or off in the moment, but it doesn't mean I don't want to be there. It just means I'm very stressed out and want to spend time doing things I enjoy but feel I don't actually have time for that. I don't know.

Hang on to those happy times guys. Adulthood is hard. And I'm sorry for a weird post and how I've been, but it's complicated. All I can do is hope. See you when I see you!

Two Dots.

So like any normal human being. Well at least I hope it is normal to be like this. I
get very involved in certain phone games. It consumes a lot of time, and then after months I forget about it and move on to a new game. In the past my crazes have been 2048, My Little Pony, Sailor Moon, Jelly Splash, Flow and Crossy Road. The most recent game is as the title suggests.

Basically it is one of those connect the dot games, that has
little goals. Like clear a certain number of colours, break the ice, get the anchor to the bottom. Blah blah blah. And I am addicted. Luckily it has a set amount of lives with a timer so unless I pay, which I will never be that addicted to do. There are also events alongside the main "story game" which I am currently at level 168. Just to keep things interesting. I prefer the dash ones more because I find there is a lot more craziness going on in a single move, because of the bombs and bugs and gem things. I love chaos sometimes.

Really I get addicted to the games because it's a nice escape.
I'm all for escapism, hence why I blog, hence why I watch random series on Netflix, hence why I do most things I do. But anywho, I don't really have much else to say so here are some pictures of the game. I suggest playing it. Unless you don't want to see coloured dots every time you close your eyes...

Wow even when writing this blog post I still play it. Now on level 169. Wish me luck guys. I'll see you when I see you! That's if I ever look up from my phone.