Yadda Yadda

I know I've been away again, but it has been a crazy time. Which I feel is only going to keep happening. So we've got that to look forward to. To catch you up on the goings on of my life, I have been promoted at work. Initially this sounds like great news. But it's not all that great. No matter how much I tell myself that.

We'll take a step back to why I am being promoted. Basically the original Room Manager of Pre-school has decided to go work for a smaller nursery, which for her was the right decision and I'm happy she's happy. However, I was worried about her leaving, because since I started she was my support line, she knew how everything worked, and she was just so helpful and friendly. I saw how stressed she got when she was promoted to that position. So obviously I'm scared that this will happen to me. And after this week, if anything my fear has been confirmed to be rational.

I'm not going to go into too much detail about how I feel at the minute, but it basically comes down to the fact that I feel I am not being given the time to achieve what I am expected to achieve, management tell me that they will not set me up to fail, but it is essentially all they have done. YaddaYadda. It doesn't help that I am stressed out from other aspects of my life.

But yeah, I am coming home exhausted and unsure of how best to move forward. So wish me luck.

Sorry I couldn't be more interesting.

See you when I see you.

Perfect Balance.

If you are coming into this post thinking it will be like some sort of self help book, where I give you advice about how to find perfect balance in your life. You may as well go now. Because on this blog we more discuss the failures of my being and how this concept is unobtainable. But you know got to draw your attention some how.

 As I mentioned in my last blog post, I had failed to blog consistently. This was because in my list of things I needed to do this could be sacrificed more than the others. Which irritated me so much, but I just didn't know how to balance everything to make time. It was the lead up to Christmas so I had to ensure all my work stuff was up to date so I could relax, try to finish my coursework, go Christmas shopping, wrap the presents, see friends and family, spend time with Matt before he goes back to uni, play animal crossing, eat, sleep, try to carry out my diet plan, and think about all this stuff I had to do. Which sounds easy enough, but it really isn't. Especially when the most important things to me on that list, are seeing those people are love so much and make me happy, and sleep. Because sleep is just so fucking good.

So at last Christmas is over, but I still feel just as stressed. Mainly because of coursework. Mainly because I seemed to have lost all motivation to do so. I'm so close to the end of my course I can taste it, yet I get to my computer and I just can't seem to do any. What makes it worse is how there is now so much more pressure to complete it. Because the deadline is getting closer and work wants to promote me, but that can't really happen until I am completed. So could me not being motivated be my way of saying I'm not ready for these new responsibilities? I'm trying to cling on to the good old days where I could get away with the bare minimum because I was still learning. I don't know.

But I really struggle at the minute. To find this balance. I try to focus on the things that make me happy, and I often feel I am making the wrong choices. So maybe sacrificing things now will help in the long run. But then I think about what if my life ends tomorrow. I don't want to regret missing out on seeing those certain people. I don't want my last moments to be about coursework. I just wish I could find some way to pause time. So I could do all my coursework in a space where I am not tired, I do not need to be at work, or see my friends, and I have exhausted all the videos on YouTube and the tasks on animal crossing.

Hopefully, my stressed motivation will kick in and I finally finish this goal. And once it's over that's it. Unless I want to complete a management course, but that isn't really on the table right now. I want to try and sort out the other aspects of my life for a bit. Wish me luck with that.

See you when I see you!

Ashamed.

Hello everybody. So you've probably been wondering where I've been. I say in hope that someone actually reads this, even though I know that no-one actually gives a shit. Anyway. Yes I have not blogged, or vlogged or something along those lines, and it really fucking irritates me. But I just have not had the frame of mind to do so. A lot of stuff has been happening whether good or bad, and I just hasn't felt right to sit and focus on this particular task. So, to myself mainly. I'm sorry.

Nonetheless, it's a new year, so it's a time to make plans  for improvements. And if you know me you'd know I'd need a lot of improving. So let's review the list I made last year to see how well I improved on them, before ultimately making my new resolutions, to better myself. Here we go.


1: Move out. HAHAHAHAHAHA. 

I mean this year I did make an awful lot of progress, going to flat viewings and actually applying for a place, but I soon realised that it was not going to happen because I do not earn enough money. So really it was not my own personal undoing but the unfairness of society. 

2. Learn to drive. Yeah this has not happened either. Haven't even looked into it. Thought about it, is as close as I will go. At least for now... But essentially this failed because I just simply did not have the time for it

3. Exercise more. Aka. Lose weight. This one I can proudly say I am achieving. Yeah I started in October, but I still actually started and am still sticking to it. Basically I have tried dieting, and cutting down on calories, and I have been on the odd jog and do some exercising activities. At this current point in time I have lost 6.1kg, and I'd say that deserves a round of applause from me. 

4. Stop letting people who mean nothing to me get to me. There's been a lot of drama this year that I am not proud of. But I'm proud that I've made the decision to stay clear of it now, and I am happier for it. You just have to move on right?

5. Be more organised with coursework. Another laughable moment. I just keep telling myself there is only 18% left. 

6. Bringing the debate back to whether or not to get tested for Huntington's disease. I was right I didn't stick to this one. There's been to much other things going on. Recently I thought about it a lot, but I think with what is going on I'd rather not know my fate. 

7. Keep up with the consistent blogging. Well I did achieve this up until December, so I am counting this as a win. I even brought back the vlogging regularly for a brief stint. The last couple of months have not been the best okay. But hopefully I can try to keep it going, because it is a nice escape. 

So that was ultimately a fail. And I thought to myself that I shouldn't even bother for a task this year, because these all end up the same. However, in the true spirit of New Years, even though we are 4 days delayed. I will give my one, yes one, resolution. Which is....

Be Happy In Myself. 

Yeah I just simply want to end 2018 thinking that I am actually proud of who I am. I am comfortable in my own skin. I am the reason I am happy. 

There we go. Check in next year to see the outcome! But check in between that time, because I don't want to go through this journey alone. See you when I see you!