Right now I feel this song accurately represents my life. Yeah I have no worries about the photos my boyfriend took, I don't really get dirty looks, and I haven't broken my foot from jumping out the second floor. But I am not okay, yet I say I am. Now that may be confusing, because things were looking up for me. I caught up with coursework, work was less stressful, I started a diet plan to improve my life, and I was sorting out my room. So as you guess from the title there is a massive but lingering somewhere.
Well you are wrong...
However (see how I got you), this past week and a half I have been super worried about it all going kaput. Why? Because I worked a fuck tonne, so when I came home I did no coursework. Fair to me I decided to do it at the weekend. My plan, see friends for Fireworks on Friday, then crack down to sort out room Saturday and do coursework on Sunday. And it never happened. Instead I binged watched Atypical on Netflix (which you should all go watch by the way) and the most achievement I got with my room was moving my bed like a foot to the right. So I'm worried. Worried that my plan to keep on track, sort out my life is going up in smoke. And I just don't know how to be okay anymore.
It started on Halloween. Yeah I got to dress up at work, I carved some super cute pumpkins but work was stressful to a point I got angry, couldn't explain it and just burst into tears. Then proceeded to eat like half a jar of Nutella, which when you are trying to diet isn't the best thing to do. So what happened? I felt more shit. The week that followed was just more of a shit show. Coming home stressed and just wanting to binge on food and panicking that I would not be able to get to the place I want to be. Which currently is happy. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed Friday seeing my friends, yeah I was super tired and cranky but they really did help. Problem is I can't see them everyday. Same with Matt, yeah we call, but it's not the same as him physically being here to cuddle it all away.
So what do I do, because I feel like no matter what I try I am looping back to this stage of unhappiness. And it's all linked to time. If I don't do it now, when will I do it? And the fact I am failing now means I will always fail. I have to try and get out of this mental state, but it is really difficult. And it's like do I just keep trying to keep having cycles of feeling ultimate shitness, or do I give up and think, well fuck it. But then still be upset with my life because the plans were to fix my insecurities. I just need to magically become a better human being.
However, this isn't the entirety of my life, there are good days. Yeah I'm not experiencing many right now, and am at the point where I don't think they'll come back. But I think knowing there are good times, is why you do the thing of "I'm Okay" because you think it will just go away, not be a problem anymore. Or at least, you hope. Right now I'm running out of hope. Which is why I felt the need to post this. Because maybe blurting it all out in some nonsense text will help cleanse my mind. Who knows?
So I'm sorry this was a really weird one, and congrats to you if you read through the whole thing. Unfortunately there is no prize. So double sorry.
I shall see you when I see you!
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