My Recovery Journey: Treatments

 TRIGGER WARNING *sensitive themes may be discussed*

I will admit, I am one of those who has an uncomfortable relationship with "treatments". Because that means admitting something is wrong that needs to be treated. That I am wrong and I need to be improved, and that just feels effortful and tiring and then I think am I really worth anything once I am treated? I then have this whole belief that I should be punished and therefore I shouldn't treat my symptoms or causes because that would be a kindness to me. So I just have to push through the pain. You don't need pain killers, you don't need to talk to a doctor. It is weak for me to get help for this because surely everyone is going through this? Everyone experiences something they struggle with, others get ill, so I just need to crack on and not make a big deal out of it right? Or comparatively I would think that resources are limited and there are people in the world who would need the attention more than me. But I guess that is wrong, because I shouldn't have the mentality that I do not deserve help, I shouldn't have the mentality that people will only care if I am trying to kill myself. And I have been there. I felt the only way to get the support I was desperate for was to admit to people I wanted to end my life. So then things actually felt a whole lot more complicated. Because why didn't people want to offer me support before this? (looking back it is probably because I didn't reach out soon enough, so how can I expect someone to just know that I am not okay and be like take this medicine to feel better, talk to that person to feel better).

Eventually I did jump down the route of seeking treatment. 

I always wanted to avoid treatment in the form of medicine. Mainly because I grew up watching my mum take about 17 tablets a day for her various conditions and she still struggled, and I just didn't want to be seen as a reverse Pez Dispenser, just to make it through a day. And luckily for me? I couldn't immediately take medication because I was pregnant. So what else is there to do but talking therapies. And I have been through MANY variations of what would be considered talking therapies both formal and informal. I think my first one was this woman I would see frequently at my doctors surgery. I loved her to pieces, told her all my worries, she would help validate my feelings and offer alternative perspectives. She then left the practice and I felt like I would crumble. But at this point I was also in regular contact with the midwifery mental health team, so I wasn't completely alone. I remember having specific midwives who would come and support me (and then it would become this whole thing of why my child's father wasn't there and I was like, well it is MY mental health and at the time HE was a large trigger for it) anyway... Again it felt like a lot of me just talking through what I felt, having it validated and then a few suggestions of how to move forward. Which I think eventually led to a relationship counsellor, because at the time it was perceived that a lot of my issues stemmed from the toxic relationships I was having with people and myself so if I cured that thinking I would be cured. The main thing I remember taking away was the guy telling me that I cannot control what others think of me, and why should I let that consume me? My argument was because said toxic people I couldn't completely cut out of my life due to the familial connection to my new-born child and I was terrified of the influence they would have over her. But over time, and lots of him patronisingly asking me to analyse my thinking I did improve. So he released me into the wild to try and love myself some more and just not care about others thoughts so much. So I was better until I wasn't so back to the GP to be referred to the Wellbeing team. My memory of specific details are becoming foggy but essentially I was on a waiting list, then started having phone calls frequently about CBT practices, was recommended to attend webinars on CBT and given a peer support worker to help me through. 
I have a love hate battle with CBT. Essentially it is about behavioural activation and the more positive things you DO the more positive things you FEEL. And man I knew all the ins and outs of what I was to do. Make my lists of tasks, categories my tasks, organise when to do them and not overwhelming the day with different tasks and balancing out the task types within that week and being aware of the BOOM AND BUST problem. I could run a course on how to do CBT but did it really have a long lasting affect on my wellbeing. No. And therefore I felt like a failure and believed there was no help left. But don't you worry guys because more of the alphabet is here to save the day, as I later got referred to a community mental health team who supported me through DBT. I felt a little more connected to this, because it helped me understand my feelings a little better, and what was triggering certain responses from me. So it actually dug deeper into what and why I was sad compared to make that phone call and you won't be sad. And I learnt that I become very overwhelmed by the thought of rejection, and a lot of my anxiety and worry and sadness comes from feeling like I am not good enough to be around everyone else, or feeling like everyone hates me. During this I was told a lot about MINDFULNESS. Which again I have a love hate relationship with. Mainly because I just always felt sarcastic when doing it, and I could hear this little bitch voice in my brain try to counteract everything I was doing. Example, during box breathing my head fills with ideas that I am going to run out of oxygen, how can anyone hold for this long, it says to still keep exhaling but I have exhaled it all! Then there is the grounding senses like naming 5 things you can hear and I always say I hear a voice in my head telling me this is stupid. So mindfulness brings me back to the present moment. Which yeah okay once I practiced more it does help, but my issue is when I am having particularly troublesome times I am just in a constant state of mindfulness techniques which I don't have time for because I have a job or a child to look after, I can't just be sitting outside like what can I smell right now? At some point I had seen more people at my GP surgery who I have talked things over with (not sure all of them are exactly mental health professionals/therapy trained, but I think it counts). One of the before mentioned people recommended me a book. This is the Russ Harris "The Happiness Trap". And after months of it sitting on my shelf collecting dust I have actually started to read through it and it talks all about ACT. And honestly, I've not finished the book yet, but so far this has been one of the most helpful tools I have come across. Because it basically says that the problem isn't the extreme thought or feeling itself as it is human nature to have these feelings and thoughts because it's like a survival instinct. The problem is how much you are hooked on these. They also state it is a problem to try and ignore and push away the feelings, because like any rebellious teenager your brain won't have that and just do it more. So you name your thought and feeling (which I now find much easier to do thanks to DBT) you thank your brain for it and you just let it go by. and do your grounding techniques. You can journal about these, or tell yourself you can address them in your worry time. My favourite is when you can just make them feel less important by adapting them. For instance if I had the thought "no one likes me" I can just write it out in different ways 

NO ONE LIKES ME

no one likes me

noonelikesme

no one likes me

n   o   o   n   e   l   i   k   e   s   m   e

no one likes me

No One Likes Me

Then it becomes nothing more than just mere words on a page. 

Yeah it doesn't work all day everyday, but I have definitely seen it improve my wellbeing and allow me to go on with my day, where usually I would go into a crazy spiral and just avoid everything. 

Some point along the therapy journey I also tried medication alongside. Mainly because I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and I had to be better for the tiny human dependent on me, so what could go wrong? Medicines are tricky, because in my experience they work until my body gets used to it and then I have to change dosage or type and by doing this you go through a period of getting worse before you get better. So I am still not certain if the current medication I am on is the best for me, but now I am too scared to change because that means the tough spell. 
The other challenge for me is remembering to order and collect my prescriptions in time and to remember to actually take the things daily, but I am figuring out better systems for this. However I do have the fear that now I will not function without medication. What torture will I endure if I miss a dose? The fear when my pharmacy say they don't have my prescription in time. Again I just feel a bit like a failure as a human because I have to take a little pill to be able to do things most humans can do naturally. 

But my main takeaway form all I have been though to treat myself is that I will never be cured. No amount of therapy and meds will stop me from having this hatred towards myself, these thoughts of self harm, and fear of rejection. It will just make them less present in my daily life. Some days more than others, and that is okay. We are human, we are not perfect. No one thing is going to help me through, so it is about building up a toolbox and then assessing which tool I need for that day. And today I needed my good old blog to help me vent some difficult thoughts and feelings. Tomorrow I may need imagine my thoughts like it is the doofdoof of an Eastenders episode. The next I may need to try and plan my week ahead to feel like I can accomplish something. I just take the day as it is, and say WELL DONE ME, for whatever I did to make it through that day. 

My Recovery Journey: Reaching Out

TRIGGER WARNING *sensitive themes may be discussed*

I was able to tell myself I'm not okay. Now what? Just go about my day to day? No because my day to day is a big ball of stress. So I just run away and hide from everything! I've tried that before. It doesn't work. 

Let's talk about that actually. 

Picture this: a young adult who you would think is thriving in life, got a promotion at work, has a loving partner, surrounded by awesome friends and family. But they are constantly invaded by negative feelings, anger, frustration, sadness, depression. Then there are the impulsive thoughts on how to cope with those intense feelings. Then there is the actual carrying out of those impulses. Then slap on the carefree face mask and head out into the world like none of the scary shit is there. Until COLLAPSE. No more functioning, no more turning up to work, no more responding to friends, no more picking up the phone, and just spending an eternity under the duvet watching the entirety of How I Met Your Mother. 

And maybe that is where I got the idea to tell my mother. Actually it might have been my manager ringing all my emergency contacts trying to force me to come into work, but that is not the point of this story. 

The point is. 

I told my mum I was not happy, and she suggested seeing a doctor. Which I did and he brought up the idea of Workplace stress and I should be signed off for a month. And naively I thought that would solve all my problems. Then it got really bad, not knowing what to do with my life, and attempts to end it all and a lot of self hatred for that fact I was too weak to actually end it all. I became very reliant on those who I knew would support me, then felt a lot of self hatred for dragging them down with me. 

I returned to the medical professionals. But it's actually quite sad to think that I did not reach out to save myself for me. I did it because I found out there was a tiny human being growing inside me, and I had to protect that innocent being, because if I didn't no-one else would. 

So Doctors, The Perinatal Mental Health Team, Health Visitors, More Doctors, Counsellors, Talking Therapists, Peer Support Workers, 111, The Crisis Team, Good Samaritans, The Recovery College. I'm trying them all. I'm trying to cling on to any tiny branch I can because this leaf cannot fall to the ground. 

And over these years a very common theme started to occur. That people are there to catch me, people want to help me, and I should let them want to help me. 

Not only should I reach out to the professionals I should find my own support system. I became more honest with co workers and management about how I can get, which has helped develop some coping strategies. I am more honest with my mother and partner about how I am and they provide me with support and love to help me feel like I am not going through this alone. 

Something I think we all need to realise is that we put on these smiles because we think we need to be happy all the time. We think those dark moments are something to be ashamed of and we are the only people who can possibly feel this way. But I think the more we talk about it, the more we realise that it's probably very natural, and the shame can shrink away and everything will be better. Right?

It's still difficult. It's still hard to reach out. I feel like everybody's burden, I feel weak, and I feel like everyone is just going to get sick of me bringing them down, or asking for help, or just constantly venting my feelings that never make any sense. I also hate the feeling of pity, like people feel sorry for me, or that they have to treat me differently now. 

So sometimes I hold back, I reveal a little but not a lot, and then I think everyone ends up confused by how nothing seems to connect and make sense. I need to get better at reaching out sure. But I think I also need to acknowledge that I am doing it a hell of a lot better than I did years ago. Well done me for taking that scary step, and even though I'm not at the top of reaching out for support success, I'm heading in the right direction. 

My Recovery Journey: FINCH APP

On a journey of recovery you will probably experience lots of different strategies to help you go to where you need to be. So why not talk about how these work for me. 

*THIS IS NOT A SPONSORED POST! I AM SIMPLY SHARING MY THOUGHTS ON SOMETHING I AM USING FOR MY PERSONAL JOURNEY*

Let's begin with the FINCH App which you can download to your phone. You can use it as a free app, which I do because I'm still getting to know whether or not it is actually making a real difference. But there is an option to subscribe to the service to unlock more features. I feel the features on the free version are helpful enough for now so that is what I am sticking with. 

So you get introduced to your little baby finch which you can colour, assign a name and even pronouns. This is MINT, and I always like expressing gender fluidity. Even though I myself identify as She/Her I always feel that there is nothing wrong if someone were to call me he/him because I see nothing harmful about being a boy. But everyone reacts to gender differently, and their identity, and to me personally it isn't if you are male or female it is if you are kind to me. That's what matters. And that is what I want to also teach my daughter, that there are a variety of pronouns out there and we should be respectful of those. 

Mint started off as a baby (sorry I didn't get screenshots back then I didn't see myself writing this in the future to prepare) and the idea is you are given goals. Now with these goals you can either select from a lovely organised list of predetermined goals or create your own. I tend to do a mix, adding in things they recommend for the different categories, and then things I know I need to do in my own life. It also means you can break the goals down into smaller steps. For example it says "Do Laundry" but I then add, put laundry on spin, hang outside, bring inside, put away. Because all the tasks together feels a lot and I want to feel the small wins. So yeah the laundry pile hasn't gone back in the wardrobe but I did the other steps, or yay I turned on the washing machine today! 

Plus the more tasks you do the more energy you earn. And the app kind of centres around this idea of energy. Because you want to be able to send your finch on a journey, and you can't do that until you have completed so many tasks. Then on the journey they find something, which is supposed to be a reward type element. So you collect, stories, stones and eggs. 

The stories you can mould to fit more your personality and journey as it asks you to respond with different options. Which creates the little graph of your pet you can see in the first image. As you can see Mint is very much like me in that they don't have a lot of confidence and aren't very logical. Compassion is what is most important to Mint. 

Honestly I do not care too much for the stories, even though I do find the interaction amusing, and am overjoyed we both have distain for the film Frozen. To me all I care about are the stones and the eggs. So let's talk about those a little more. You get an egg you need to hatch, and you select a task to attach to the egg. For example right now I am trying to hatch an egg by saying thank you to myself once a day for 7 days. Obviously you don't have to do it daily, but the longer you take to get to the number of days, the longer you wait to hatch the cute little pets! Not really sure what impact they have, aside from just being adorable, and I just want to be Ash and CATCH THEM ALL! 

My main love is the rainbow stones, because with them you can purchase things for your pet. So you can get furniture to decorate your birds nest, or outfits to dress up in, or plane tickets to travel to different locations. You have a generic shop of items, but every day you have a small selection of "special" items which I imagine rotate and all that. Now some of these are pretty cool, others I do not care for, so it is good that logging in daily reveals different things, plus travelling to new locations unlocks different items, and each month they hold an event with themed items. You can also sell things you don't want, so I had a coat I liked but then found this other thing I wanted more and didn't have any more tasks for the day so I sold the coat.  

As you interact more with the app you can unlock more features and there is so much to do. They have the option to add friends, who you can send things to and they send you things, and if you want you can share goals and chat to them. I'm not quite at that level yet because I am embarrassed by my goals, but I like the idea of being in it together. They even set up a discord page for support which is pretty adorable. Even when you open the app they provide affirmations, positivity quotes, and get you to give an emoji to how you are feeling/motivation, so you can look back at your breakdown over the day or week or whatever.  Which I think is a good reminder for me as I can see that even if I don't start of the day well, I can find happiness along the way. Or there are days which are the complete opposite, but then I can start to figure out if there are patterns. Are certain days, certain times, certain tasks more of a trigger? 

You can also choose to reflect on the tasks, and just reflect in general. They have a section where you can find prompts to think about your life, reflect on triggers or find some gratitude. They have self soothing tasks, different breathing techniques, and even simple stretch ideas to help you along the way, and the fact I can access all that for free is pretty useful. Because sometimes I feel part of my issues is thinking that I need money to improve my life (like getting my medicine prescriptions, getting gym memberships, buying healthier food etc), so not having that feeling with this app has been beneficial. 

So far I have made a good streak, but something I have discovered about myself is that I will have a hyperfocus on something for a period of time and then I am bored and done, so I wonder how long this will last? Regardless right now it is a step in my journey and it is something that rewards me for those little steps I take, because Mint wouldn't nearly be a teenager already if I haven't been looking after myself. 

My Recovery Journey: I'm not Okay

TRIGGER WARNING *sensitive themes may be discussed*

Personally if I were you I would not watch this incoherent rambling of a woman in her late twenties talking to camera in a delusion it would heal her mental health. It won't make sense, it will be boring, and I will not be held responsible for wasting your time.

I may or may not bee sharing more of my journey in the far or near future.

Now join me in listening to some My Chemical Romance : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhZTNgAs4Fc

Journey to Elli.

What is this?

What's happening?

Someone send help because Mad and a Little Bit Weird is actually writing a blog post! I know. It's okay it's probably never going to get posted, as I have a draft from back in March that I started and never looked back on. But I guess if you are reading this it means I finally hit that publish button. Or someone else hacked my account and thought posting my drafts would be a fun trick to play. Well jokes on them because nobody cares. And something I have tried to tell myself repeatedly is that other people's opinion should not define who I am. Yet on a bad day we forget all that, but anywho... I thought now was as good a time as any to fix myself, because you shouldn't need this, I'll start on the new year or on a Monday bullshit, if you want to make a change you have to start NOW!

There are a lot of changes I would like to make to myself. So in this space I will kind of just outline why I got to this point of realising I need to make these changes. It all started I don't know when, probably deep into the seeded pit of childhood, but I used to always want people to like me, often the wrong people, and I ended up being a dick towards people who actually liked me for who I was just to please this larger group of people. Which is wrong. Something I have learnt over the last year especially is that the number of friends do not matter, it is the quality of those friendships. I look back at high school/6th form and I belonged to a group of like 20 odd people who all intertwined, and yeah the random conversations you could come up with were great, and we did all have good memories, because you had a decent amount of people to play paintball or laser tag. The only problem is when a group is so big there's so much drama, because not everyone likes everyone else the same amount. So you get smaller group break offs and people not being happy they have then been excluded, and about 15 different group chats you are trying to keep up with because some can't include that certain person, and then you end up accidentally messaging the wrong thing into the wrong group chat, and people have to take sides, and you try to think the more people you have on your side means you are the better person. But what if all the people on your side aren't good people either? Then you become this little ball of stress wondering if people are talking behind your back or agreeing to meet up with you, cancelling because they are sick and it turns out they are just going to spoons instead. Like that's all crazy and it's no wonder I crack from time to time.

So pretty much the group broke down and I now have 6 friends (and their boyfriends, but ultimately I don't really talk to them they are just extensions of my friends, but that might also be because of lock-down and not really having the opportunity for them to join a group meet up.  If you go back to like my second ever blog post, I know a proper long time ago, you can see how much everything has changed. Even in the last year my whole friendship ideals have shifted dramatically.

And the above was all written by past Elli in 2023. And guess what Internet. I still haven't found myself, and guess what, the journey looks like it is about to get even longer. So I'm actually going to hit the publish button because this needs to stop sitting in my drafts, and I actually need to start finding myself. Because I have been lost for a while, and I would like very much for her to come back.