My Recovery Journey: Treatments

 TRIGGER WARNING *sensitive themes may be discussed*

I will admit, I am one of those who has an uncomfortable relationship with "treatments". Because that means admitting something is wrong that needs to be treated. That I am wrong and I need to be improved, and that just feels effortful and tiring and then I think am I really worth anything once I am treated? I then have this whole belief that I should be punished and therefore I shouldn't treat my symptoms or causes because that would be a kindness to me. So I just have to push through the pain. You don't need pain killers, you don't need to talk to a doctor. It is weak for me to get help for this because surely everyone is going through this? Everyone experiences something they struggle with, others get ill, so I just need to crack on and not make a big deal out of it right? Or comparatively I would think that resources are limited and there are people in the world who would need the attention more than me. But I guess that is wrong, because I shouldn't have the mentality that I do not deserve help, I shouldn't have the mentality that people will only care if I am trying to kill myself. And I have been there. I felt the only way to get the support I was desperate for was to admit to people I wanted to end my life. So then things actually felt a whole lot more complicated. Because why didn't people want to offer me support before this? (looking back it is probably because I didn't reach out soon enough, so how can I expect someone to just know that I am not okay and be like take this medicine to feel better, talk to that person to feel better).

Eventually I did jump down the route of seeking treatment. 

I always wanted to avoid treatment in the form of medicine. Mainly because I grew up watching my mum take about 17 tablets a day for her various conditions and she still struggled, and I just didn't want to be seen as a reverse Pez Dispenser, just to make it through a day. And luckily for me? I couldn't immediately take medication because I was pregnant. So what else is there to do but talking therapies. And I have been through MANY variations of what would be considered talking therapies both formal and informal. I think my first one was this woman I would see frequently at my doctors surgery. I loved her to pieces, told her all my worries, she would help validate my feelings and offer alternative perspectives. She then left the practice and I felt like I would crumble. But at this point I was also in regular contact with the midwifery mental health team, so I wasn't completely alone. I remember having specific midwives who would come and support me (and then it would become this whole thing of why my child's father wasn't there and I was like, well it is MY mental health and at the time HE was a large trigger for it) anyway... Again it felt like a lot of me just talking through what I felt, having it validated and then a few suggestions of how to move forward. Which I think eventually led to a relationship counsellor, because at the time it was perceived that a lot of my issues stemmed from the toxic relationships I was having with people and myself so if I cured that thinking I would be cured. The main thing I remember taking away was the guy telling me that I cannot control what others think of me, and why should I let that consume me? My argument was because said toxic people I couldn't completely cut out of my life due to the familial connection to my new-born child and I was terrified of the influence they would have over her. But over time, and lots of him patronisingly asking me to analyse my thinking I did improve. So he released me into the wild to try and love myself some more and just not care about others thoughts so much. So I was better until I wasn't so back to the GP to be referred to the Wellbeing team. My memory of specific details are becoming foggy but essentially I was on a waiting list, then started having phone calls frequently about CBT practices, was recommended to attend webinars on CBT and given a peer support worker to help me through. 
I have a love hate battle with CBT. Essentially it is about behavioural activation and the more positive things you DO the more positive things you FEEL. And man I knew all the ins and outs of what I was to do. Make my lists of tasks, categories my tasks, organise when to do them and not overwhelming the day with different tasks and balancing out the task types within that week and being aware of the BOOM AND BUST problem. I could run a course on how to do CBT but did it really have a long lasting affect on my wellbeing. No. And therefore I felt like a failure and believed there was no help left. But don't you worry guys because more of the alphabet is here to save the day, as I later got referred to a community mental health team who supported me through DBT. I felt a little more connected to this, because it helped me understand my feelings a little better, and what was triggering certain responses from me. So it actually dug deeper into what and why I was sad compared to make that phone call and you won't be sad. And I learnt that I become very overwhelmed by the thought of rejection, and a lot of my anxiety and worry and sadness comes from feeling like I am not good enough to be around everyone else, or feeling like everyone hates me. During this I was told a lot about MINDFULNESS. Which again I have a love hate relationship with. Mainly because I just always felt sarcastic when doing it, and I could hear this little bitch voice in my brain try to counteract everything I was doing. Example, during box breathing my head fills with ideas that I am going to run out of oxygen, how can anyone hold for this long, it says to still keep exhaling but I have exhaled it all! Then there is the grounding senses like naming 5 things you can hear and I always say I hear a voice in my head telling me this is stupid. So mindfulness brings me back to the present moment. Which yeah okay once I practiced more it does help, but my issue is when I am having particularly troublesome times I am just in a constant state of mindfulness techniques which I don't have time for because I have a job or a child to look after, I can't just be sitting outside like what can I smell right now? At some point I had seen more people at my GP surgery who I have talked things over with (not sure all of them are exactly mental health professionals/therapy trained, but I think it counts). One of the before mentioned people recommended me a book. This is the Russ Harris "The Happiness Trap". And after months of it sitting on my shelf collecting dust I have actually started to read through it and it talks all about ACT. And honestly, I've not finished the book yet, but so far this has been one of the most helpful tools I have come across. Because it basically says that the problem isn't the extreme thought or feeling itself as it is human nature to have these feelings and thoughts because it's like a survival instinct. The problem is how much you are hooked on these. They also state it is a problem to try and ignore and push away the feelings, because like any rebellious teenager your brain won't have that and just do it more. So you name your thought and feeling (which I now find much easier to do thanks to DBT) you thank your brain for it and you just let it go by. and do your grounding techniques. You can journal about these, or tell yourself you can address them in your worry time. My favourite is when you can just make them feel less important by adapting them. For instance if I had the thought "no one likes me" I can just write it out in different ways 

NO ONE LIKES ME

no one likes me

noonelikesme

no one likes me

n   o   o   n   e   l   i   k   e   s   m   e

no one likes me

No One Likes Me

Then it becomes nothing more than just mere words on a page. 

Yeah it doesn't work all day everyday, but I have definitely seen it improve my wellbeing and allow me to go on with my day, where usually I would go into a crazy spiral and just avoid everything. 

Some point along the therapy journey I also tried medication alongside. Mainly because I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and I had to be better for the tiny human dependent on me, so what could go wrong? Medicines are tricky, because in my experience they work until my body gets used to it and then I have to change dosage or type and by doing this you go through a period of getting worse before you get better. So I am still not certain if the current medication I am on is the best for me, but now I am too scared to change because that means the tough spell. 
The other challenge for me is remembering to order and collect my prescriptions in time and to remember to actually take the things daily, but I am figuring out better systems for this. However I do have the fear that now I will not function without medication. What torture will I endure if I miss a dose? The fear when my pharmacy say they don't have my prescription in time. Again I just feel a bit like a failure as a human because I have to take a little pill to be able to do things most humans can do naturally. 

But my main takeaway form all I have been though to treat myself is that I will never be cured. No amount of therapy and meds will stop me from having this hatred towards myself, these thoughts of self harm, and fear of rejection. It will just make them less present in my daily life. Some days more than others, and that is okay. We are human, we are not perfect. No one thing is going to help me through, so it is about building up a toolbox and then assessing which tool I need for that day. And today I needed my good old blog to help me vent some difficult thoughts and feelings. Tomorrow I may need imagine my thoughts like it is the doofdoof of an Eastenders episode. The next I may need to try and plan my week ahead to feel like I can accomplish something. I just take the day as it is, and say WELL DONE ME, for whatever I did to make it through that day.