The Positive Vibes.

Hello! So I thought I would just write a small little post because why not? Mainly because I am waiting for my training video to stop bloody buffering. So I thought, I would talk about positive vibes I have been getting lately, mainly to do with my weight. Because usually I am very insecure about my body image and the way I look and I know I'm not skinny and I don't necessarily want to be skinny, I like have curves I just don't like having chub, as I like to call it. I am still waiting for the day I become more...toned I think is the word, but obviously I know that is going to require effort and not happen overnight. 

Anyway, the other day at work someone asked me if I had lost weight and I was like I didn't think so but thanks, and then my manager said I looked great and I awkwardly walked out of the office. Then my mum also said I looked slimmer, and when I was at the park I actually managed to comfortably sit on the swing where about two months before it hurt because of my hips.So I was starting to feel pretty good about myself. And I think that is what makes me motivated to actually do something. 

However, something else happened. I bought some bras the other day in my usual size and they didn't fit. So the one place I want to be getting smaller the most is getting bigger and it's so irritating. Then the positive vibe wore off and now I feel all ugh about myself again. 

But all of this proves that it's not actually how much I weigh that matters it's how I feel about the way I look, and what makes me feel comfortable, so by having the positive vibe it makes me more comfortable with how I am. It's a weird little thing. This is a weird little post. 

Sorry this probably didn't make any sense but I needed a distraction and I'm sure you did as well. Why else would you be here? 
See you when I see you!

Sharing is Caring: Social Anxiety.

Hi there. So this post is going to be more of a let my feelings out post. Which I guess all of them really are but this song be as weird and light hearted as I intend it to be. Today my discussion topic shall be about my social awkwardness and how that leads to my version of a panic attack. I say my version because I don't think it's an official attack but it is a change of state and I feel quite panicked by it. 

Anyway... So I'd say I have different personalities. There's one who is outgoing and loves a laugh and has an I don't give a shit attitude. She is mainly about when I am why with my friends and in a comfortable situation. Then there is the awkward shy girl who needs to have everything planned. She is usually the one who has panic attacks. 

Now I don't get these very often. I would say I've only had a few in my life before December, mainly to do with it being dark and buses being douches. But there were a few all clambered up together, so in fear that I'm due another one over something completely stupid, I want to vent my feelings so that maybe it doesn't happen again as I have closure, or some other bullshit. 

 
The major one, happened when I was at a group outing with my friends to pizza hut. So I work weekdays but that's only really when my friends were free so we agreed to meet up in the evening. And I agreed as long as I wasn't out too late. So it was at the end of the meal and we were having a chat would while we waited to pay and one of my friends offered to give me a lift in the basis we left then and there and begin the bit of a control freak I am I wanted to make sure the payment and everything was correct. So in my mind I was panicking because I knew I'd have to get the bus which wouldn't get me home until midnight. But I lied anyway saying if be fine. We then paid and some people went home. Then I just thought we would find somewhere to sit and chat for an hour or two until this bus, but people started talking about going to this pub (which was like a club type pub) and because I don't have a form of ID, just because I never felt the need too, I got panicked because I thought they were all going to leave me, and I had ruined their plans, and I just stood there internally freaking out. I'm not sure most people new. Some figured it out and gave me cuddles and things. But I just couldn't get back to normal. The group decided to walk Maddy home, and I was stalking behind them because I was still feeling panicked and worried and wanting to calm myself down before everyone noticed. I guess they knew but they didn't say anything. Which I appreciated. But there was talk of being driven home, which I did not want, because in my state I felt being in an enclosed space would make my emotional wreckness obvious. So obviously I panicked more. In the end I got on the bus and Emma joined me because Emma is adorable, so I managed to feel more like myself after explaining it to her.  

Usually, when I have a panic attack I go extreme in thinking of ways to get out of the situation. Like if I walk into the road I can be hit by a car and everything that just happened will be forgotten about, or if I hit myself multiple times in the head I'll actually forget this has happened. So obviously I can't really do this I tend to opt for the more subtle jabbing the palm of my hands with my fingernails. Because it provides me with enough pain to remind myself what I'm doing is stupid. In the major incident I mentioned I literally cramped my hand up because I was doing it so often. But that's how I deal with it. 

I'm sure there are healthier ways of dealing with this situation, which is why I feel blogging it will provide me with some kind of coping mechanism. I do like to treat this as my therapy session. So if you read this, I guess thanks, but I'm sorry for wasting your time. 

See you when I see you!

Aries in Love.

Just watch the video.