Alive in 2025

Something I need to return to is reflection. But instead of my usual remembering of how shit everything had been in the past and then using that to panic about the inevitable 2026, I am going to try and be a little kinder to myself in the way the last year has unfolded. 

Now I didn't blog last year so I don't really have a frame of reference to what I wanted to achieve going in to 2025, which in a way is good because I can't then look at how I failed those target. But I remember starting a couple of challenges for myself which did not last the year, one thing I did commit to and I was very proud. SO yay. 

The problem with this post is how I want to structure it, because the organised let's discuss Month by Month sounds most appropriate, but then I feel like when things last over consecutive months how do I then talk about that? Do I keep you in suspense? Do I just not mention it at all until the conclusion? And what I notice now is that I am using up precious energy on how I should format this post as opposed to actually writing the damn thing. Right that's it, month by month. 

Here We Go!

January

Ah this is a lovely photograph to start us off. Delusion. That was a strong word for me this year, because in January I was delusional in thinking that I would make 2025 my year. Because I was terrified. 2025 saw a big change for me in terms of work. My whole shift pattern changed, and obviously I was scared how that would affect me, because yes excitement having days off in between shifts, but fear of being there for 10 hours, and having to start Nora in an afterschool club. But I thought, take on the challenge it may be best for everyone.

So with all that unknown chaos forming I thought to take some control and obviously meticulously plan with my calendar, and also begin some challenges for 2025. The first logging all the books I have read with a selfie on completion, I had done something similar previous years but it was just a large stack of the books at the end which I tried to remember and scramble together, so at least this way I didn't have to think back to what books I read months ago. I also wanted to return to taking pictures of myself because I notice that I try to hide away a lot, particularly when in low mood, but I felt that's how I lose who I am, how I am growing, changing, and by having a book with me it also meant I wasn't the sole purpose of the image which to me felt quite vain. Amazingly this was something I kept up for the whole year so if you stick around you can see the years reading list. 

Other challenges were around my creativity as this is something I always strive for. I used to post daily
pictures of nail art on one of my Instagram accounts, but felt that got very stressful, so said it was okay to do weekly, as I enjoyed the challenges the account Polish Portfolio would put up. So here is a little collection of those, they look really good. I think if I was to pick a favourite I would go for the top right teal doticure. Probably also because it didn't take as much time as the carefully placed lines or heaven forbid the mermaid scales! 

Next I wanted to return to drawing/painting and challenging myself a little, because usually I end up drawing the same things over and over again, so like the nail art I set out to find a weekly challenge prompt. I also wanted to try and take my time with some of these pieces, so not just a sit down and complete it in one session, but a slowly add and build when I have the time. I am rather proud of these, and I like how I tried to explore different techniques, particularly the crosshatch effect on Feathers. I was also proud that I went straight in with a pen as usually I never feel safe unless I can rub out mistakes, but he looks pretty banging. The pun wasn't initially intended but now I have spotted it is there I love the inclusion even more!

January brought about one of the greatest weekends of my life. Drag Con! It was a couple of days that I felt were for me. I wasn't a mum, because she was with her dad, I wasn't an employee because it was the weekend. I got to dress up, act silly, because that's what everyone was doing. I met so many inspirational and incredible people, that remind me that I want to keep being this crazy silly person because there will be people who accept that. One part of this I really liked, not related to drag, was the hotel swimming pool, which when I initially went down there I had it all to myself and it was lovely experience as I didn't feel self-conscious and I just got to enjoy the quite space. Also if it wasn't for this trip I wouldn't have another amazing experience in my life (more on that in March). 

Away from that escapism my January was all just trying to get by, my job was becoming increasingly stressful so I just leaned in to the things I loved, which was seeing family for their subsequent birthdays, hanging out with friends, and embracing Nora's love of wanting to wear makeup and be the artist to also put it on everyone else. I got my new phone this year, and it was adorable how Nora thought she was paying for it and even tried using one of her role play cards at the machine. Thanks Nora x And the phone was awesome because it enabled me to take all these photos where I genuinely look happy. 

February

So this month saw the beginning of intense feelings of I am not okay. And I would go around singing the MCR song to myself. Work was just becoming very intense, and this trickled into my home life and I think I just became exhausted. Which is why the art challenge came to an end. Even though I love my Animal Crossing character, he is so cute! Makes me want to draw more AC characters, which is actually another challenge I want to set myself which is 365 second drawings of an animal crossing character every day, but that also sounds daunting and my track record will show it won't last. So sorry Barney, but challenge not accepted. Nail art was still going strong though particularly loving my rainbow smoosh, and smoosh is just so much fun to say. Smoosh. 

As this was the month of love I went on not one but TWO Valentine's date, because they both insisted I had to if not I didn't love them (I mean Dean didn't really care but I liked it for the joke I created on my instagram) Nora and I enjoyed yet more pottery painting, and Dean and I had the traditional meal out. No heart shaped doughballs this year though :'( Something interesting about this month was that in the half term Nora and I went on a playdate with my work colleague and her kids. It was really nice to watch them all interact with each other, and be able to have someone to share in my experience, as I don't really hang out with other parents much. 

March

I think following the downs of February I really tried to pick myself back up in March. Even though I stopped the art challenge I didn't necessarily stop drawing, my favourite is my portrait for Kate Butch, which I actually gave to her when I saw her drag show Wuthering Shites. It was an incredible experience, and this queen is so kind and funny and makes me enjoy the music of Kate Bush. Me and my sister were sat in the front row, and anxiety alert she called on me to join her on stage, I had to try and do a Yorkshire accent and put on this hat, and now I will forever be young Kathy. It was daunting but also exhilarating to be so out of my comfort zone. Another way I was taken completely out of my comfort zone was celebrating my friend Abbie's birthday at Bongo's Bingo. Now this was both a great night of fun but also a personal hell. Fun because I got to play bingo, dance about with me friends, and find a community that also sings 64 zoo lane whenever the bingo number is called. Hell because it was heavily crowded and overstimulating. Would be great to do that kind of thing on a smaller scale.

Around this time I started some DBT sessions I believe, which is a type of therapy to help with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. This hit me quite hard for various reasons, one being told I am emotionally unstable, two having to chat weekly about traumatic topics, and three having it not actually be weekly/something always going wrong and I just had constant panics about the time place and contents of the meetings. Some positive takeaways from this was trying to be more mindful, so I would take myself our to the local park quite a bit. 

April

The month of my birthday which can always be quite triggering.  The panic of what I have achieved in my life, this was not helped by the fact I became physically ill around my birthday so then worried I couldn't even celebrate the occasion properly with my friends. But I guess there will always be a time to celebrate as I will have 365 days of being 28. I did get to go for a meal (I'd call it nice but the service was poor and the food got cold) and my sister and Nora made me a delicious cake. I spent quite a lot of time with family this month, just chatting about life and making things out of clay. As it was another school break Nora and I joined my co-worker+children again. This time we spent the ENTIRE day together at Africa Alive, which I had never been to, and I was stressed how Nora would be, but it was a lovely day. We had a long travel on the bus, saw lots of animals, Nora even showed off her drawing skills as she was sketching her favourites. There was also an unexpected foam party which was lots of fun, and I got to run around in a battle with all the children while my friend tried to avoid getting messy. 

May

Like the classic seesaw line in Sabrina The Teenage Witch, after UP we go Down. And May went very, very down. I just felt like there was something very very wrong with me and no matter what I did I couldn't really fix it. People thought I was rude, I couldn't connect with people unless they were my previous group of friends, but they get super busy, or don't always relate to how I feel. I felt I had no where to turn, no one who understood, and this was like the beginning of the end. As I had to take time off work, I was going thinking about taking a demotion and changing hours again, or just work entirely. And as I was feeling all this turmoil, it was like I had to try extra hard to find a reason to keep going, to prove to myself that I can live and not just exist miserably. I tried new things, like Archery, and Disc  Golf, I had fun celebrating various birthdays, and would visit my favourite place THE BEACH. I also apparently took very much to making the peace symbol to really emphasize that I am having a great time. Towards the end of the month Dean and I went on a weekend away. It was a place we had stayed previously so it was a little like a home from home. It had a private hot tub, which we spent every day in, and I was able to just be aware from the stress (a lot like my January get away, maybe I need more weekends away...)

June

The month nail art died, I mean I probably did still paint my nails, but I have no photographic evidence of such. I began this month still on my weekend away, so it was actually quite lovely, and I saw this month as my new beginning. I went on some very fun rides at Thorpe Park, I began my FINCH journey, I started self-care, by reading The Happiness Trap, and going on lots of mindful walks, and becoming an active part of the Recovery College. I just tried doing a lot of things for me, being at the beach, rekindling my love of cooking, going to see films I wanted to see and being in the water. Water is definitely my happy place. This month I celebrated my two favourite people's birthdays which is both a joyous time but also very stressful because I want to make sure they have the best possible time. I'm sure they did. Despite the fact some things got very scary, June became a very hopeful month for me as I began to move in the correct direction for my wellbeing, if you look back at my blog from this time (because shocking I returned to blogging in June 2025) you would know about my self discovery journey and how June was the time I began my road down Neurodivergence. Not that I am saying I have become Neurodivergent in this time, but I began the diagnostic journey to show that I have always been. And the more I learnt the more I was becoming sure this was where I belonged, but there was also the fear that even this would be inconclusive and I will still not understand myself. 

July

I came to a large conclusion that what I was feeling wasn't simply depression, it was a full on BURNOUT. So I told myself that it still wasn't time to return to work as I was still figuring out what I needed to function consistently, but I did pop in to volunteer, trying to ease my return and be there more on my terms. And it was pretty good. This month saw more mindfulness journeys, and days out to find joy. Dean and I had several date nights, Nora and I did pretty much everything under the sun, including starting our Safari animal hunt, which was very good for the step count, and I was starting to feel like I had the hang of this whole life business. And it was the start of summer, so everything was sunny and warm. Right?

August

For some reason all the giant spiders decided to come at me this month, so that was fun. But to be fair the rest of this month was pretty fun anyway. I planned to do a staged return to work, because I was lacking confidence and felt like all in at once was just not the way to recover, and it went pretty well. I had a great time seeing The Rocky Horror Picture Show live with mum and Hariette, I always love that experience, and it was pretty fun to get all dressed up, as I have been neglecting make up and all that for a bit. Due to the lovely sunny holidays I was able to spend lots of time at the beach and swimming in the sea, which is definitely a happy place for me, it is getting really fun Nora wanting to go in there more, and it is more than just a splash before we run back to Dean. Nora and I continued to get lots of exercise with our Safari hunt, and it took me down a few roads I haven't actually ventured down and we went on this pretty cool bridge. Emma was kind enough to take us on our annual Dinosaur Park trip, which was a little stressful as Nora was wanting to do the high ropes then immediately regretted it after climbing the stairs. However this was when Emma introduced her to the Tamagotchi and thus Nora wanted her own, and my god they are more demanding creatures than I remember. I think I will just stick with my sassy six year old. At the end of the month we had a little weekend holiday to Butlins. Now this trip was an event. The whole of the summer Nora was desperate to go, and I was excited how excited she was, but once there it was like reality hit. Everything we did quickly got met with a meltdown, so I wanted to meltdown. I ended up pawning her off to my sister while Dean and I enjoyed our time. Which was pretty fun, and I got to experience this cool electric wonderland show. 

September

Delusion returns again as I thought I was ready to go back to work, and yeah at the start it was going okay, but slowly and surely as the month progressed I noticed the decline. The children, a stress, my senses, overstimulated. And I just felt so lost trying to figure out how I could prevent another burnout, because I was too busy just trying to get through. So my mask went up, old habits came back. And I could just sense myself becoming more and more irritable. Therefore I tried the whole, LET'S DO EVERYTHING I CAN THAT I KNOW I ENJOY. Like date days with Dean eating unlimited pizza of strange toppings, and trying paddleboarding, and going on my little walks and trying to complete the world's most complex puzzle. 

October

Ladies and Gentleman we've reached Burnout, which felt like a complete failure on my part because I was only just there. However I need to remind myself that some in the neurodiverse community take up to 6 months to recover from burnout so like I said, I was delusional I was better, and I should have stayed away from the strain a little longer. But hey you live and learn. I should have known October was going to be a downhill spiral because it is a triggering time for me (looking at you 2018!) So I had my strategies to try and keep going. I cooked, baked, drew, painted and went on a date with Dean to Turtle Bay where you could play dominoes while waiting for your meal and it was pretty fun. I also had a delicious cocktail. Now I was getting a little worried about Halloween slowly approaching as this is a time I try to really big up to counteract all the shit I feel in October, but I had no energy, so the decorations were up for a small amount of time, no pumpkin was carved, no dressing up was done. 

I did paint my nails though guys, don't worry. And it totally had nothing to do with the fact I got my hands on the new Holo Taco Halloween collection. Glow in the dark, thermal polish, and some I just got for their fun sounding names. Oh I completely forgot to talk about this, I mean this isn't a live conversation I could just go and edit it in but CBA, during the half term holidays I had organised a playdate for Nora to go to this craft thing with her friend, we all quickly discovered this was very overwhelming and this ended up as a trip to the park. But it was a lovely conversation I had with other parents who are also neurodiverse. So I was really liking starting to find people who could completely relate to what I was going through, even though at this time I wasn't officially diagnosed but even they could put the pieces of the puzzle together, and I finally felt seen. One of my greatest achievements this month was celebrating my nannie's birthday because I somehow managed to wrangle a gang of us out for a meal. Now if you know my family you would know my parents are highly anti-social, so they would come out in small groups, maybe, if they felt like it. But they came! It was just a shame we couldn't find a date that also worked for Hariette, but I guess you can't have everything.

November

Now November felt like more of a return to me. I got my diagnosis for ADHD and I could finally start shaping myself to accept the fun little wackadoodle I am. Which involved starting a new adventure in my community Crafty Hearts group. Then becoming briefly hyper focused on macrame and adding beads to pens, and hamma beading various K-Pop Demon Hunters. It was also great to see my return to appreciating my nail painting and drawing passion. I also dyed my hair around this time. Which was part of my joke for why I have been suffering lately. I so miss having my hair coloured, but it is a bit of an expensive faff, so let's see how long it will last. A definite highlight to the month was finally reuniting with my friends!!!!!!! It was a much needed catch up and it was like we had never been apart. Nora even joined us as it was even longer since she had seen my friends, and she decided to celebrate the moment by creating portraits for everyone, which was accompanied by her creepy giggle. I feel so much at home with my little gang and it is a shame we can't synchronise our calendars better, but I know when I need them they come through!

December 

Once again I was returning to a nice state of equilibrium so I couldn't really tell myself I could stay away from work much longer, but I did get the first half of December to try and create a stable plan for myself in how I can work. I learnt about the Pomodoro Working technique which balances tasks with breaks, and practiced this at home and actually felt my energy returning, I managed to get a considerable amount of my house cleaned (don't ask me how it looks now though...) I also had everything organised for Christmas so it just became a waiting game as I was eager to show everyone the progress I made. I also started my Autism assessment this month, which was very strange. Doing both these assessments involved a lot of looking back on my life and it was very eye opening. I thrived being around my community groups, and clearly I have told my mum about my hobbies because she got me lots to do in terms of Christmas presents. Which is needed because once again I hit a wall at work realising I cannot work a 10 hour shift without resulting in meltdowns, but luckily I have a supportive GP and management team so for the time being I am on 5 hour shifts, and hopefully fingers crossed this can be the case for a good chunk of next year (I am hoping at least until I am further into my ADHD treatments processes and can build up my confidence). So combining being back at work, the community groups, a friends festive meet up, and seeing family over the Christmas period I was being very social, and it was very draining! But I am so grateful for these people because they are allowing me to be myself. December was also a month of playing LOTS of animal crossing. 

Oh my Christ, I never thought I was going to get through that post! 

2025 was definitely an experience, and even though there were lows, I think they needed to happen because they have revealed so much about myself. For my whole life I have neglected my needs, my struggled with executive functioning, and I began to mask so much that I didn't even know who I was anymore. And now I am putting that mask down I am having fun, I am beginning to love my little quirks, and realise that others can love that about me too. And if you don't well that's on you, because who doesn't want to be around someone with echolalia, and can talk very passionately about their very random interest, that will last short or long periods of time depending on my mood. I am a constant mystery, what will come out of my mouth next? Probably some kind of film, tv or song quote. 

All I ask of my 2026 is that I keep my mask firmly down, and accept myself for what I am. 

My Recovery Journey: Imposter Syndrome.

 TRIGGER WARNING *sensitive themes may be discussed*

I would say that one of my biggest struggles my entire life has been with Imposter Syndrome. I have always known that I do not belong, I try to fit in but I don't quite get there. So at first this was fitting in with the general population. At school even though I had friends, and was social I always felt like I couldn't fully be myself with them, I had to hide certain interests and things. As I got older I would try to process how I was different and try to give that some kind of label. But then I would meet someone who genuinely had a condition or quality to them and I always felt my experience never matched up to that so I got very worried.

One example was when I found out that there is a genetic disease that runs in my family known as Huntington's disease. When I was getting towards my late teens I began to convince myself that I had it, I would see the symptoms, the more I learnt about the disorder the more I realised this was impossible at the time, because yes even if I did have the condition I would not be symptomatic until the same age as my mother and she is in her 60s and not displaying, but anywho...

Another biggie is my struggle with mental health. I would fear telling anyone that I had these dark thoughts, because what if I was the only one? Then I wouldn't want to get help because I wasn't as bad as other people who talked about their mental health struggles. For instance my mum had to stop working, she can struggle to leave the house, and spends lots of time asleep, I wasn't like that. Then you hear about others who self harm, and I am like yeah I do that but not quite the same, mine never felt serious. I would more scratch myself then cut. Never needed hospital or treatment so could I really say I suffered from anxiety or depression?

Currently I am facing a heavy hit of imposter syndrome as I go through an Autism and ADHD assessment. Because ever since my GP mentioned she thinks I could be neurodiverse, and I took the preliminary assessment, and researched about it, and spoke to others I can really relate to these conditions. But I am terrified all the time that someone from the community will be like, but you aren't. Stop pretending. YOU DON'T BELONG HERE!

It's almost like I want to convince myself I am special, but at the same time my inner critic hates me so much I can never think there is anything special about me.

So I am trying to battle my struggle with imposter syndrome by being a bit kinder to myself. A statement I will repeat is that, we are all different, we experience things differently, so my struggles with mental health, or my displays of autistic/ADHD traits are going to vary from others. AND THAT IS OKAY.

But like with all things in my recovery journey I don't always follow this rule, some days are better than others.

My Recovery Journey: Treatments

TRIGGER WARNING *sensitive themes may be discussed*

I will admit, I am one of those who has an uncomfortable relationship with "treatments". Because that means admitting something is wrong that needs to be treated. That I am wrong and I need to be improved, and that just feels effortful and tiring and then I think am I really worth anything once I am treated? I then have this whole belief that I should be punished and therefore I shouldn't treat my symptoms or causes because that would be a kindness to me. So I just have to push through the pain. You don't need pain killers, you don't need to talk to a doctor. It is weak for me to get help for this because surely everyone is going through this? Everyone experiences something they struggle with, others get ill, so I just need to crack on and not make a big deal out of it right? Or comparatively I would think that resources are limited and there are people in the world who would need the attention more than me. But I guess that is wrong, because I shouldn't have the mentality that I do not deserve help, I shouldn't have the mentality that people will only care if I am trying to kill myself. And I have been there. I felt the only way to get the support I was desperate for was to admit to people I wanted to end my life. So then things actually felt a whole lot more complicated. Because why didn't people want to offer me support before this? (looking back it is probably because I didn't reach out soon enough, so how can I expect someone to just know that I am not okay and be like take this medicine to feel better, talk to that person to feel better).

Eventually I did jump down the route of seeking treatment. 

I always wanted to avoid treatment in the form of medicine. Mainly because I grew up watching my mum take about 17 tablets a day for her various conditions and she still struggled, and I just didn't want to be seen as a reverse Pez Dispenser, just to make it through a day. And luckily for me? I couldn't immediately take medication because I was pregnant. So what else is there to do but talking therapies. And I have been through MANY variations of what would be considered talking therapies both formal and informal. I think my first one was this woman I would see frequently at my doctors surgery. I loved her to pieces, told her all my worries, she would help validate my feelings and offer alternative perspectives. She then left the practice and I felt like I would crumble. But at this point I was also in regular contact with the midwifery mental health team, so I wasn't completely alone. I remember having specific midwives who would come and support me (and then it would become this whole thing of why my child's father wasn't there and I was like, well it is MY mental health and at the time HE was a large trigger for it) anyway... Again it felt like a lot of me just talking through what I felt, having it validated and then a few suggestions of how to move forward. Which I think eventually led to a relationship counsellor, because at the time it was perceived that a lot of my issues stemmed from the toxic relationships I was having with people and myself so if I cured that thinking I would be cured. The main thing I remember taking away was the guy telling me that I cannot control what others think of me, and why should I let that consume me? My argument was because said toxic people I couldn't completely cut out of my life due to the familial connection to my new-born child and I was terrified of the influence they would have over her. But over time, and lots of him patronisingly asking me to analyse my thinking I did improve. So he released me into the wild to try and love myself some more and just not care about others thoughts so much. So I was better until I wasn't so back to the GP to be referred to the Wellbeing team. My memory of specific details are becoming foggy but essentially I was on a waiting list, then started having phone calls frequently about CBT practices, was recommended to attend webinars on CBT and given a peer support worker to help me through. 
I have a love hate battle with CBT. Essentially it is about behavioural activation and the more positive things you DO the more positive things you FEEL. And man I knew all the ins and outs of what I was to do. Make my lists of tasks, categories my tasks, organise when to do them and not overwhelming the day with different tasks and balancing out the task types within that week and being aware of the BOOM AND BUST problem. I could run a course on how to do CBT but did it really have a long lasting affect on my wellbeing. No. And therefore I felt like a failure and believed there was no help left. But don't you worry guys because more of the alphabet is here to save the day, as I later got referred to a community mental health team who supported me through DBT. I felt a little more connected to this, because it helped me understand my feelings a little better, and what was triggering certain responses from me. So it actually dug deeper into what and why I was sad compared to make that phone call and you won't be sad. And I learnt that I become very overwhelmed by the thought of rejection, and a lot of my anxiety and worry and sadness comes from feeling like I am not good enough to be around everyone else, or feeling like everyone hates me. During this I was told a lot about MINDFULNESS. Which again I have a love hate relationship with. Mainly because I just always felt sarcastic when doing it, and I could hear this little bitch voice in my brain try to counteract everything I was doing. Example, during box breathing my head fills with ideas that I am going to run out of oxygen, how can anyone hold for this long, it says to still keep exhaling but I have exhaled it all! Then there is the grounding senses like naming 5 things you can hear and I always say I hear a voice in my head telling me this is stupid. So mindfulness brings me back to the present moment. Which yeah okay once I practiced more it does help, but my issue is when I am having particularly troublesome times I am just in a constant state of mindfulness techniques which I don't have time for because I have a job or a child to look after, I can't just be sitting outside like what can I smell right now? At some point I had seen more people at my GP surgery who I have talked things over with (not sure all of them are exactly mental health professionals/therapy trained, but I think it counts). One of the before mentioned people recommended me a book. This is the Russ Harris "The Happiness Trap". And after months of it sitting on my shelf collecting dust I have actually started to read through it and it talks all about ACT. And honestly, I've not finished the book yet, but so far this has been one of the most helpful tools I have come across. Because it basically says that the problem isn't the extreme thought or feeling itself as it is human nature to have these feelings and thoughts because it's like a survival instinct. The problem is how much you are hooked on these. They also state it is a problem to try and ignore and push away the feelings, because like any rebellious teenager your brain won't have that and just do it more. So you name your thought and feeling (which I now find much easier to do thanks to DBT) you thank your brain for it and you just let it go by. and do your grounding techniques. You can journal about these, or tell yourself you can address them in your worry time. My favourite is when you can just make them feel less important by adapting them. For instance if I had the thought "no one likes me" I can just write it out in different ways 

NO ONE LIKES ME

no one likes me

noonelikesme

no one likes me

n   o   o   n   e   l   i   k   e   s   m   e

no one likes me

No One Likes Me

Then it becomes nothing more than just mere words on a page. 

Yeah it doesn't work all day everyday, but I have definitely seen it improve my wellbeing and allow me to go on with my day, where usually I would go into a crazy spiral and just avoid everything. 

Some point along the therapy journey I also tried medication alongside. Mainly because I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and I had to be better for the tiny human dependent on me, so what could go wrong? Medicines are tricky, because in my experience they work until my body gets used to it and then I have to change dosage or type and by doing this you go through a period of getting worse before you get better. So I am still not certain if the current medication I am on is the best for me, but now I am too scared to change because that means the tough spell. 
The other challenge for me is remembering to order and collect my prescriptions in time and to remember to actually take the things daily, but I am figuring out better systems for this. However I do have the fear that now I will not function without medication. What torture will I endure if I miss a dose? The fear when my pharmacy say they don't have my prescription in time. Again I just feel a bit like a failure as a human because I have to take a little pill to be able to do things most humans can do naturally. 

But my main takeaway form all I have been though to treat myself is that I will never be cured. No amount of therapy and meds will stop me from having this hatred towards myself, these thoughts of self harm, and fear of rejection. It will just make them less present in my daily life. Some days more than others, and that is okay. We are human, we are not perfect. No one thing is going to help me through, so it is about building up a toolbox and then assessing which tool I need for that day. And today I needed my good old blog to help me vent some difficult thoughts and feelings. Tomorrow I may need imagine my thoughts like it is the doofdoof of an Eastenders episode. The next I may need to try and plan my week ahead to feel like I can accomplish something. I just take the day as it is, and say WELL DONE ME, for whatever I did to make it through that day. 

My Recovery Journey: Reaching Out

TRIGGER WARNING *sensitive themes may be discussed*

I was able to tell myself I'm not okay. Now what? Just go about my day to day? No because my day to day is a big ball of stress. So I just run away and hide from everything! I've tried that before. It doesn't work. 

Let's talk about that actually. 

Picture this: a young adult who you would think is thriving in life, got a promotion at work, has a loving partner, surrounded by awesome friends and family. But they are constantly invaded by negative feelings, anger, frustration, sadness, depression. Then there are the impulsive thoughts on how to cope with those intense feelings. Then there is the actual carrying out of those impulses. Then slap on the carefree face mask and head out into the world like none of the scary shit is there. Until COLLAPSE. No more functioning, no more turning up to work, no more responding to friends, no more picking up the phone, and just spending an eternity under the duvet watching the entirety of How I Met Your Mother. 

And maybe that is where I got the idea to tell my mother. Actually it might have been my manager ringing all my emergency contacts trying to force me to come into work, but that is not the point of this story. 

The point is. 

I told my mum I was not happy, and she suggested seeing a doctor. Which I did and he brought up the idea of Workplace stress and I should be signed off for a month. And naively I thought that would solve all my problems. Then it got really bad, not knowing what to do with my life, and attempts to end it all and a lot of self hatred for that fact I was too weak to actually end it all. I became very reliant on those who I knew would support me, then felt a lot of self hatred for dragging them down with me. 

I returned to the medical professionals. But it's actually quite sad to think that I did not reach out to save myself for me. I did it because I found out there was a tiny human being growing inside me, and I had to protect that innocent being, because if I didn't no-one else would. 

So Doctors, The Perinatal Mental Health Team, Health Visitors, More Doctors, Counsellors, Talking Therapists, Peer Support Workers, 111, The Crisis Team, Good Samaritans, The Recovery College. I'm trying them all. I'm trying to cling on to any tiny branch I can because this leaf cannot fall to the ground. 

And over these years a very common theme started to occur. That people are there to catch me, people want to help me, and I should let them want to help me. 

Not only should I reach out to the professionals I should find my own support system. I became more honest with co workers and management about how I can get, which has helped develop some coping strategies. I am more honest with my mother and partner about how I am and they provide me with support and love to help me feel like I am not going through this alone. 

Something I think we all need to realise is that we put on these smiles because we think we need to be happy all the time. We think those dark moments are something to be ashamed of and we are the only people who can possibly feel this way. But I think the more we talk about it, the more we realise that it's probably very natural, and the shame can shrink away and everything will be better. Right?

It's still difficult. It's still hard to reach out. I feel like everybody's burden, I feel weak, and I feel like everyone is just going to get sick of me bringing them down, or asking for help, or just constantly venting my feelings that never make any sense. I also hate the feeling of pity, like people feel sorry for me, or that they have to treat me differently now. 

So sometimes I hold back, I reveal a little but not a lot, and then I think everyone ends up confused by how nothing seems to connect and make sense. I need to get better at reaching out sure. But I think I also need to acknowledge that I am doing it a hell of a lot better than I did years ago. Well done me for taking that scary step, and even though I'm not at the top of reaching out for support success, I'm heading in the right direction. 

My Recovery Journey: FINCH APP

On a journey of recovery you will probably experience lots of different strategies to help you go to where you need to be. So why not talk about how these work for me. 

*THIS IS NOT A SPONSORED POST! I AM SIMPLY SHARING MY THOUGHTS ON SOMETHING I AM USING FOR MY PERSONAL JOURNEY*

Let's begin with the FINCH App which you can download to your phone. You can use it as a free app, which I do because I'm still getting to know whether or not it is actually making a real difference. But there is an option to subscribe to the service to unlock more features. I feel the features on the free version are helpful enough for now so that is what I am sticking with. 

So you get introduced to your little baby finch which you can colour, assign a name and even pronouns. This is MINT, and I always like expressing gender fluidity. Even though I myself identify as She/Her I always feel that there is nothing wrong if someone were to call me he/him because I see nothing harmful about being a boy. But everyone reacts to gender differently, and their identity, and to me personally it isn't if you are male or female it is if you are kind to me. That's what matters. And that is what I want to also teach my daughter, that there are a variety of pronouns out there and we should be respectful of those. 

Mint started off as a baby (sorry I didn't get screenshots back then I didn't see myself writing this in the future to prepare) and the idea is you are given goals. Now with these goals you can either select from a lovely organised list of predetermined goals or create your own. I tend to do a mix, adding in things they recommend for the different categories, and then things I know I need to do in my own life. It also means you can break the goals down into smaller steps. For example it says "Do Laundry" but I then add, put laundry on spin, hang outside, bring inside, put away. Because all the tasks together feels a lot and I want to feel the small wins. So yeah the laundry pile hasn't gone back in the wardrobe but I did the other steps, or yay I turned on the washing machine today! 

Plus the more tasks you do the more energy you earn. And the app kind of centres around this idea of energy. Because you want to be able to send your finch on a journey, and you can't do that until you have completed so many tasks. Then on the journey they find something, which is supposed to be a reward type element. So you collect, stories, stones and eggs. 

The stories you can mould to fit more your personality and journey as it asks you to respond with different options. Which creates the little graph of your pet you can see in the first image. As you can see Mint is very much like me in that they don't have a lot of confidence and aren't very logical. Compassion is what is most important to Mint. 

Honestly I do not care too much for the stories, even though I do find the interaction amusing, and am overjoyed we both have distain for the film Frozen. To me all I care about are the stones and the eggs. So let's talk about those a little more. You get an egg you need to hatch, and you select a task to attach to the egg. For example right now I am trying to hatch an egg by saying thank you to myself once a day for 7 days. Obviously you don't have to do it daily, but the longer you take to get to the number of days, the longer you wait to hatch the cute little pets! Not really sure what impact they have, aside from just being adorable, and I just want to be Ash and CATCH THEM ALL! 

My main love is the rainbow stones, because with them you can purchase things for your pet. So you can get furniture to decorate your birds nest, or outfits to dress up in, or plane tickets to travel to different locations. You have a generic shop of items, but every day you have a small selection of "special" items which I imagine rotate and all that. Now some of these are pretty cool, others I do not care for, so it is good that logging in daily reveals different things, plus travelling to new locations unlocks different items, and each month they hold an event with themed items. You can also sell things you don't want, so I had a coat I liked but then found this other thing I wanted more and didn't have any more tasks for the day so I sold the coat.  

As you interact more with the app you can unlock more features and there is so much to do. They have the option to add friends, who you can send things to and they send you things, and if you want you can share goals and chat to them. I'm not quite at that level yet because I am embarrassed by my goals, but I like the idea of being in it together. They even set up a discord page for support which is pretty adorable. Even when you open the app they provide affirmations, positivity quotes, and get you to give an emoji to how you are feeling/motivation, so you can look back at your breakdown over the day or week or whatever.  Which I think is a good reminder for me as I can see that even if I don't start of the day well, I can find happiness along the way. Or there are days which are the complete opposite, but then I can start to figure out if there are patterns. Are certain days, certain times, certain tasks more of a trigger? 

You can also choose to reflect on the tasks, and just reflect in general. They have a section where you can find prompts to think about your life, reflect on triggers or find some gratitude. They have self soothing tasks, different breathing techniques, and even simple stretch ideas to help you along the way, and the fact I can access all that for free is pretty useful. Because sometimes I feel part of my issues is thinking that I need money to improve my life (like getting my medicine prescriptions, getting gym memberships, buying healthier food etc), so not having that feeling with this app has been beneficial. 

So far I have made a good streak, but something I have discovered about myself is that I will have a hyperfocus on something for a period of time and then I am bored and done, so I wonder how long this will last? Regardless right now it is a step in my journey and it is something that rewards me for those little steps I take, because Mint wouldn't nearly be a teenager already if I haven't been looking after myself. 

My Recovery Journey: I'm not Okay

TRIGGER WARNING *sensitive themes may be discussed*

Personally if I were you I would not watch this incoherent rambling of a woman in her late twenties talking to camera in a delusion it would heal her mental health. It won't make sense, it will be boring, and I will not be held responsible for wasting your time.

I may or may not bee sharing more of my journey in the far or near future.

Now join me in listening to some My Chemical Romance : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhZTNgAs4Fc

Journey to Elli.

What is this?

What's happening?

Someone send help because Mad and a Little Bit Weird is actually writing a blog post! I know. It's okay it's probably never going to get posted, as I have a draft from back in March that I started and never looked back on. But I guess if you are reading this it means I finally hit that publish button. Or someone else hacked my account and thought posting my drafts would be a fun trick to play. Well jokes on them because nobody cares. And something I have tried to tell myself repeatedly is that other people's opinion should not define who I am. Yet on a bad day we forget all that, but anywho... I thought now was as good a time as any to fix myself, because you shouldn't need this, I'll start on the new year or on a Monday bullshit, if you want to make a change you have to start NOW!

There are a lot of changes I would like to make to myself. So in this space I will kind of just outline why I got to this point of realising I need to make these changes. It all started I don't know when, probably deep into the seeded pit of childhood, but I used to always want people to like me, often the wrong people, and I ended up being a dick towards people who actually liked me for who I was just to please this larger group of people. Which is wrong. Something I have learnt over the last year especially is that the number of friends do not matter, it is the quality of those friendships. I look back at high school/6th form and I belonged to a group of like 20 odd people who all intertwined, and yeah the random conversations you could come up with were great, and we did all have good memories, because you had a decent amount of people to play paintball or laser tag. The only problem is when a group is so big there's so much drama, because not everyone likes everyone else the same amount. So you get smaller group break offs and people not being happy they have then been excluded, and about 15 different group chats you are trying to keep up with because some can't include that certain person, and then you end up accidentally messaging the wrong thing into the wrong group chat, and people have to take sides, and you try to think the more people you have on your side means you are the better person. But what if all the people on your side aren't good people either? Then you become this little ball of stress wondering if people are talking behind your back or agreeing to meet up with you, cancelling because they are sick and it turns out they are just going to spoons instead. Like that's all crazy and it's no wonder I crack from time to time.

So pretty much the group broke down and I now have 6 friends (and their boyfriends, but ultimately I don't really talk to them they are just extensions of my friends, but that might also be because of lock-down and not really having the opportunity for them to join a group meet up.  If you go back to like my second ever blog post, I know a proper long time ago, you can see how much everything has changed. Even in the last year my whole friendship ideals have shifted dramatically.

And the above was all written by past Elli in 2023. And guess what Internet. I still haven't found myself, and guess what, the journey looks like it is about to get even longer. So I'm actually going to hit the publish button because this needs to stop sitting in my drafts, and I actually need to start finding myself. Because I have been lost for a while, and I would like very much for her to come back.