My Recovery Journey: Treatments

 TRIGGER WARNING *sensitive themes may be discussed*

I will admit, I am one of those who has an uncomfortable relationship with "treatments". Because that means admitting something is wrong that needs to be treated. That I am wrong and I need to be improved, and that just feels effortful and tiring and then I think am I really worth anything once I am treated? I then have this whole belief that I should be punished and therefore I shouldn't treat my symptoms or causes because that would be a kindness to me. So I just have to push through the pain. You don't need pain killers, you don't need to talk to a doctor. It is weak for me to get help for this because surely everyone is going through this? Everyone experiences something they struggle with, others get ill, so I just need to crack on and not make a big deal out of it right? Or comparatively I would think that resources are limited and there are people in the world who would need the attention more than me. But I guess that is wrong, because I shouldn't have the mentality that I do not deserve help, I shouldn't have the mentality that people will only care if I am trying to kill myself. And I have been there. I felt the only way to get the support I was desperate for was to admit to people I wanted to end my life. So then things actually felt a whole lot more complicated. Because why didn't people want to offer me support before this? (looking back it is probably because I didn't reach out soon enough, so how can I expect someone to just know that I am not okay and be like take this medicine to feel better, talk to that person to feel better).

Eventually I did jump down the route of seeking treatment. 

I always wanted to avoid treatment in the form of medicine. Mainly because I grew up watching my mum take about 17 tablets a day for her various conditions and she still struggled, and I just didn't want to be seen as a reverse Pez Dispenser, just to make it through a day. And luckily for me? I couldn't immediately take medication because I was pregnant. So what else is there to do but talking therapies. And I have been through MANY variations of what would be considered talking therapies both formal and informal. I think my first one was this woman I would see frequently at my doctors surgery. I loved her to pieces, told her all my worries, she would help validate my feelings and offer alternative perspectives. She then left the practice and I felt like I would crumble. But at this point I was also in regular contact with the midwifery mental health team, so I wasn't completely alone. I remember having specific midwives who would come and support me (and then it would become this whole thing of why my child's father wasn't there and I was like, well it is MY mental health and at the time HE was a large trigger for it) anyway... Again it felt like a lot of me just talking through what I felt, having it validated and then a few suggestions of how to move forward. Which I think eventually led to a relationship counsellor, because at the time it was perceived that a lot of my issues stemmed from the toxic relationships I was having with people and myself so if I cured that thinking I would be cured. The main thing I remember taking away was the guy telling me that I cannot control what others think of me, and why should I let that consume me? My argument was because said toxic people I couldn't completely cut out of my life due to the familial connection to my new-born child and I was terrified of the influence they would have over her. But over time, and lots of him patronisingly asking me to analyse my thinking I did improve. So he released me into the wild to try and love myself some more and just not care about others thoughts so much. So I was better until I wasn't so back to the GP to be referred to the Wellbeing team. My memory of specific details are becoming foggy but essentially I was on a waiting list, then started having phone calls frequently about CBT practices, was recommended to attend webinars on CBT and given a peer support worker to help me through. 
I have a love hate battle with CBT. Essentially it is about behavioural activation and the more positive things you DO the more positive things you FEEL. And man I knew all the ins and outs of what I was to do. Make my lists of tasks, categories my tasks, organise when to do them and not overwhelming the day with different tasks and balancing out the task types within that week and being aware of the BOOM AND BUST problem. I could run a course on how to do CBT but did it really have a long lasting affect on my wellbeing. No. And therefore I felt like a failure and believed there was no help left. But don't you worry guys because more of the alphabet is here to save the day, as I later got referred to a community mental health team who supported me through DBT. I felt a little more connected to this, because it helped me understand my feelings a little better, and what was triggering certain responses from me. So it actually dug deeper into what and why I was sad compared to make that phone call and you won't be sad. And I learnt that I become very overwhelmed by the thought of rejection, and a lot of my anxiety and worry and sadness comes from feeling like I am not good enough to be around everyone else, or feeling like everyone hates me. During this I was told a lot about MINDFULNESS. Which again I have a love hate relationship with. Mainly because I just always felt sarcastic when doing it, and I could hear this little bitch voice in my brain try to counteract everything I was doing. Example, during box breathing my head fills with ideas that I am going to run out of oxygen, how can anyone hold for this long, it says to still keep exhaling but I have exhaled it all! Then there is the grounding senses like naming 5 things you can hear and I always say I hear a voice in my head telling me this is stupid. So mindfulness brings me back to the present moment. Which yeah okay once I practiced more it does help, but my issue is when I am having particularly troublesome times I am just in a constant state of mindfulness techniques which I don't have time for because I have a job or a child to look after, I can't just be sitting outside like what can I smell right now? At some point I had seen more people at my GP surgery who I have talked things over with (not sure all of them are exactly mental health professionals/therapy trained, but I think it counts). One of the before mentioned people recommended me a book. This is the Russ Harris "The Happiness Trap". And after months of it sitting on my shelf collecting dust I have actually started to read through it and it talks all about ACT. And honestly, I've not finished the book yet, but so far this has been one of the most helpful tools I have come across. Because it basically says that the problem isn't the extreme thought or feeling itself as it is human nature to have these feelings and thoughts because it's like a survival instinct. The problem is how much you are hooked on these. They also state it is a problem to try and ignore and push away the feelings, because like any rebellious teenager your brain won't have that and just do it more. So you name your thought and feeling (which I now find much easier to do thanks to DBT) you thank your brain for it and you just let it go by. and do your grounding techniques. You can journal about these, or tell yourself you can address them in your worry time. My favourite is when you can just make them feel less important by adapting them. For instance if I had the thought "no one likes me" I can just write it out in different ways 

NO ONE LIKES ME

no one likes me

noonelikesme

no one likes me

n   o   o   n   e   l   i   k   e   s   m   e

no one likes me

No One Likes Me

Then it becomes nothing more than just mere words on a page. 

Yeah it doesn't work all day everyday, but I have definitely seen it improve my wellbeing and allow me to go on with my day, where usually I would go into a crazy spiral and just avoid everything. 

Some point along the therapy journey I also tried medication alongside. Mainly because I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and I had to be better for the tiny human dependent on me, so what could go wrong? Medicines are tricky, because in my experience they work until my body gets used to it and then I have to change dosage or type and by doing this you go through a period of getting worse before you get better. So I am still not certain if the current medication I am on is the best for me, but now I am too scared to change because that means the tough spell. 
The other challenge for me is remembering to order and collect my prescriptions in time and to remember to actually take the things daily, but I am figuring out better systems for this. However I do have the fear that now I will not function without medication. What torture will I endure if I miss a dose? The fear when my pharmacy say they don't have my prescription in time. Again I just feel a bit like a failure as a human because I have to take a little pill to be able to do things most humans can do naturally. 

But my main takeaway form all I have been though to treat myself is that I will never be cured. No amount of therapy and meds will stop me from having this hatred towards myself, these thoughts of self harm, and fear of rejection. It will just make them less present in my daily life. Some days more than others, and that is okay. We are human, we are not perfect. No one thing is going to help me through, so it is about building up a toolbox and then assessing which tool I need for that day. And today I needed my good old blog to help me vent some difficult thoughts and feelings. Tomorrow I may need imagine my thoughts like it is the doofdoof of an Eastenders episode. The next I may need to try and plan my week ahead to feel like I can accomplish something. I just take the day as it is, and say WELL DONE ME, for whatever I did to make it through that day. 

My Recovery Journey: Reaching Out

TRIGGER WARNING *sensitive themes may be discussed*

I was able to tell myself I'm not okay. Now what? Just go about my day to day? No because my day to day is a big ball of stress. So I just run away and hide from everything! I've tried that before. It doesn't work. 

Let's talk about that actually. 

Picture this: a young adult who you would think is thriving in life, got a promotion at work, has a loving partner, surrounded by awesome friends and family. But they are constantly invaded by negative feelings, anger, frustration, sadness, depression. Then there are the impulsive thoughts on how to cope with those intense feelings. Then there is the actual carrying out of those impulses. Then slap on the carefree face mask and head out into the world like none of the scary shit is there. Until COLLAPSE. No more functioning, no more turning up to work, no more responding to friends, no more picking up the phone, and just spending an eternity under the duvet watching the entirety of How I Met Your Mother. 

And maybe that is where I got the idea to tell my mother. Actually it might have been my manager ringing all my emergency contacts trying to force me to come into work, but that is not the point of this story. 

The point is. 

I told my mum I was not happy, and she suggested seeing a doctor. Which I did and he brought up the idea of Workplace stress and I should be signed off for a month. And naively I thought that would solve all my problems. Then it got really bad, not knowing what to do with my life, and attempts to end it all and a lot of self hatred for that fact I was too weak to actually end it all. I became very reliant on those who I knew would support me, then felt a lot of self hatred for dragging them down with me. 

I returned to the medical professionals. But it's actually quite sad to think that I did not reach out to save myself for me. I did it because I found out there was a tiny human being growing inside me, and I had to protect that innocent being, because if I didn't no-one else would. 

So Doctors, The Perinatal Mental Health Team, Health Visitors, More Doctors, Counsellors, Talking Therapists, Peer Support Workers, 111, The Crisis Team, Good Samaritans, The Recovery College. I'm trying them all. I'm trying to cling on to any tiny branch I can because this leaf cannot fall to the ground. 

And over these years a very common theme started to occur. That people are there to catch me, people want to help me, and I should let them want to help me. 

Not only should I reach out to the professionals I should find my own support system. I became more honest with co workers and management about how I can get, which has helped develop some coping strategies. I am more honest with my mother and partner about how I am and they provide me with support and love to help me feel like I am not going through this alone. 

Something I think we all need to realise is that we put on these smiles because we think we need to be happy all the time. We think those dark moments are something to be ashamed of and we are the only people who can possibly feel this way. But I think the more we talk about it, the more we realise that it's probably very natural, and the shame can shrink away and everything will be better. Right?

It's still difficult. It's still hard to reach out. I feel like everybody's burden, I feel weak, and I feel like everyone is just going to get sick of me bringing them down, or asking for help, or just constantly venting my feelings that never make any sense. I also hate the feeling of pity, like people feel sorry for me, or that they have to treat me differently now. 

So sometimes I hold back, I reveal a little but not a lot, and then I think everyone ends up confused by how nothing seems to connect and make sense. I need to get better at reaching out sure. But I think I also need to acknowledge that I am doing it a hell of a lot better than I did years ago. Well done me for taking that scary step, and even though I'm not at the top of reaching out for support success, I'm heading in the right direction. 

My Recovery Journey: FINCH APP

On a journey of recovery you will probably experience lots of different strategies to help you go to where you need to be. So why not talk about how these work for me. 

*THIS IS NOT A SPONSORED POST! I AM SIMPLY SHARING MY THOUGHTS ON SOMETHING I AM USING FOR MY PERSONAL JOURNEY*

Let's begin with the FINCH App which you can download to your phone. You can use it as a free app, which I do because I'm still getting to know whether or not it is actually making a real difference. But there is an option to subscribe to the service to unlock more features. I feel the features on the free version are helpful enough for now so that is what I am sticking with. 

So you get introduced to your little baby finch which you can colour, assign a name and even pronouns. This is MINT, and I always like expressing gender fluidity. Even though I myself identify as She/Her I always feel that there is nothing wrong if someone were to call me he/him because I see nothing harmful about being a boy. But everyone reacts to gender differently, and their identity, and to me personally it isn't if you are male or female it is if you are kind to me. That's what matters. And that is what I want to also teach my daughter, that there are a variety of pronouns out there and we should be respectful of those. 

Mint started off as a baby (sorry I didn't get screenshots back then I didn't see myself writing this in the future to prepare) and the idea is you are given goals. Now with these goals you can either select from a lovely organised list of predetermined goals or create your own. I tend to do a mix, adding in things they recommend for the different categories, and then things I know I need to do in my own life. It also means you can break the goals down into smaller steps. For example it says "Do Laundry" but I then add, put laundry on spin, hang outside, bring inside, put away. Because all the tasks together feels a lot and I want to feel the small wins. So yeah the laundry pile hasn't gone back in the wardrobe but I did the other steps, or yay I turned on the washing machine today! 

Plus the more tasks you do the more energy you earn. And the app kind of centres around this idea of energy. Because you want to be able to send your finch on a journey, and you can't do that until you have completed so many tasks. Then on the journey they find something, which is supposed to be a reward type element. So you collect, stories, stones and eggs. 

The stories you can mould to fit more your personality and journey as it asks you to respond with different options. Which creates the little graph of your pet you can see in the first image. As you can see Mint is very much like me in that they don't have a lot of confidence and aren't very logical. Compassion is what is most important to Mint. 

Honestly I do not care too much for the stories, even though I do find the interaction amusing, and am overjoyed we both have distain for the film Frozen. To me all I care about are the stones and the eggs. So let's talk about those a little more. You get an egg you need to hatch, and you select a task to attach to the egg. For example right now I am trying to hatch an egg by saying thank you to myself once a day for 7 days. Obviously you don't have to do it daily, but the longer you take to get to the number of days, the longer you wait to hatch the cute little pets! Not really sure what impact they have, aside from just being adorable, and I just want to be Ash and CATCH THEM ALL! 

My main love is the rainbow stones, because with them you can purchase things for your pet. So you can get furniture to decorate your birds nest, or outfits to dress up in, or plane tickets to travel to different locations. You have a generic shop of items, but every day you have a small selection of "special" items which I imagine rotate and all that. Now some of these are pretty cool, others I do not care for, so it is good that logging in daily reveals different things, plus travelling to new locations unlocks different items, and each month they hold an event with themed items. You can also sell things you don't want, so I had a coat I liked but then found this other thing I wanted more and didn't have any more tasks for the day so I sold the coat.  

As you interact more with the app you can unlock more features and there is so much to do. They have the option to add friends, who you can send things to and they send you things, and if you want you can share goals and chat to them. I'm not quite at that level yet because I am embarrassed by my goals, but I like the idea of being in it together. They even set up a discord page for support which is pretty adorable. Even when you open the app they provide affirmations, positivity quotes, and get you to give an emoji to how you are feeling/motivation, so you can look back at your breakdown over the day or week or whatever.  Which I think is a good reminder for me as I can see that even if I don't start of the day well, I can find happiness along the way. Or there are days which are the complete opposite, but then I can start to figure out if there are patterns. Are certain days, certain times, certain tasks more of a trigger? 

You can also choose to reflect on the tasks, and just reflect in general. They have a section where you can find prompts to think about your life, reflect on triggers or find some gratitude. They have self soothing tasks, different breathing techniques, and even simple stretch ideas to help you along the way, and the fact I can access all that for free is pretty useful. Because sometimes I feel part of my issues is thinking that I need money to improve my life (like getting my medicine prescriptions, getting gym memberships, buying healthier food etc), so not having that feeling with this app has been beneficial. 

So far I have made a good streak, but something I have discovered about myself is that I will have a hyperfocus on something for a period of time and then I am bored and done, so I wonder how long this will last? Regardless right now it is a step in my journey and it is something that rewards me for those little steps I take, because Mint wouldn't nearly be a teenager already if I haven't been looking after myself. 

My Recovery Journey: I'm not Okay

TRIGGER WARNING *sensitive themes may be discussed*

Personally if I were you I would not watch this incoherent rambling of a woman in her late twenties talking to camera in a delusion it would heal her mental health. It won't make sense, it will be boring, and I will not be held responsible for wasting your time.

I may or may not bee sharing more of my journey in the far or near future.

Now join me in listening to some My Chemical Romance : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhZTNgAs4Fc

Journey to Elli.

What is this?

What's happening?

Someone send help because Mad and a Little Bit Weird is actually writing a blog post! I know. It's okay it's probably never going to get posted, as I have a draft from back in March that I started and never looked back on. But I guess if you are reading this it means I finally hit that publish button. Or someone else hacked my account and thought posting my drafts would be a fun trick to play. Well jokes on them because nobody cares. And something I have tried to tell myself repeatedly is that other people's opinion should not define who I am. Yet on a bad day we forget all that, but anywho... I thought now was as good a time as any to fix myself, because you shouldn't need this, I'll start on the new year or on a Monday bullshit, if you want to make a change you have to start NOW!

There are a lot of changes I would like to make to myself. So in this space I will kind of just outline why I got to this point of realising I need to make these changes. It all started I don't know when, probably deep into the seeded pit of childhood, but I used to always want people to like me, often the wrong people, and I ended up being a dick towards people who actually liked me for who I was just to please this larger group of people. Which is wrong. Something I have learnt over the last year especially is that the number of friends do not matter, it is the quality of those friendships. I look back at high school/6th form and I belonged to a group of like 20 odd people who all intertwined, and yeah the random conversations you could come up with were great, and we did all have good memories, because you had a decent amount of people to play paintball or laser tag. The only problem is when a group is so big there's so much drama, because not everyone likes everyone else the same amount. So you get smaller group break offs and people not being happy they have then been excluded, and about 15 different group chats you are trying to keep up with because some can't include that certain person, and then you end up accidentally messaging the wrong thing into the wrong group chat, and people have to take sides, and you try to think the more people you have on your side means you are the better person. But what if all the people on your side aren't good people either? Then you become this little ball of stress wondering if people are talking behind your back or agreeing to meet up with you, cancelling because they are sick and it turns out they are just going to spoons instead. Like that's all crazy and it's no wonder I crack from time to time.

So pretty much the group broke down and I now have 6 friends (and their boyfriends, but ultimately I don't really talk to them they are just extensions of my friends, but that might also be because of lock-down and not really having the opportunity for them to join a group meet up.  If you go back to like my second ever blog post, I know a proper long time ago, you can see how much everything has changed. Even in the last year my whole friendship ideals have shifted dramatically.

And the above was all written by past Elli in 2023. And guess what Internet. I still haven't found myself, and guess what, the journey looks like it is about to get even longer. So I'm actually going to hit the publish button because this needs to stop sitting in my drafts, and I actually need to start finding myself. Because I have been lost for a while, and I would like very much for her to come back. 

Amy.

Questioning whether or not to just write an ordinary introduction that doesn't reference the awkward fact I have not written a blog post for what 3 years now... or to keep making the same joke that all my draft posts have about how it's so shocking I am actually writing a post. Which it is. And I guess by the fact I have written this paragraph in such a way I think we already have the answer. So welcome back. I'm sure none of you missed me. Let's crack on. 

As you can see from the title I am dedicating this post to Amy, a fellow blogger, who was my inspiration to starting my own blog, at a point where most people in my friend group had one. It was great fun reading all they had to offer, copying their topic ideas/tag posts. Slowly but surely my reading list became less and less as I guess they all just moved on from the blog. Which I also kind of did. But having a child makes a lot of changes to your life. But Amy on the other hand has almost stuck with it. Which is very admirable. And it is the reading of her blog that on two occasions now I have wanted to restart my blog. But that isn't the only reason I am going to dedicate this post in her honour. 

Quick Sidenote before the quick story time: The first section of this blog post I had actually drafted in.. let's check ..oh my god 2020 so if it is confusing, it probably is because it is. But as my friend pillowcat from one of my daughter's favourite shows would say: let's roll with it. 

Quick story time: As it is Halloween, my friends and I went to pick pumpkins. As it is during a global pandemic we thought it would be safe to pick the pumpkins in the field together like we have done in previous, but best leave the carving separately as to not put each other at risk. So it was a couple of days ago I had carved my pumpkin and was asking how everyone else was doing and suggested we should have a group call to discuss it all yaddayadda. This call we had last night. And a considerable amount of the call was just Amy and myself, because everyone else had other things in their life to get on with. And amongst many things we discussed blogs was one of them. And we recalled the time I would write a post every day, I spoke about how I do have draft posts that I adapt and then can never be bothered to finish, and we also mentioned how one time I just wrote a post about my friend Emma because Emma had requested it. So since that conversation I kind of wanted to get back into blogging, and I thought instead of finishing one of those draft posts that I am clearly never going to finish I thought. Amy. 

Now to the actual topic of conversation:

I can't recall the exact moment I met Amy. Around year 8 my group of friends just became group of friends joining together with many groups of friends and we were all just friends. We didn't have many classes together in school, so most of the time was just talking at break times, and the meet ups when school wasn't happening. I think in year 10 when we sat on the same table in English our friendship grew a lot. I remember the weird posters we made, and laughing at Beth's response to Sherlock not being dead. And I think a lot of our main bonding would come from the almighty "late bus", which was a bus that picked you up from the school and took you home like an hour after school had finished if you stayed behind for a club or do homework or had a secret 6th lesson because you were in 6th form. The bus at first was a people movers bus, which I loved because it moved people, and we would talk about random stuff. Mainly the craziness that happened in the show Waterloo Road. It went so far that in 6th form we referred to ourselves (and those that joined us) as the "Late Bus Gang" and even went so far as to start describing a movie we were going to make about our lives. I still wonder what the bus driver Andrew thought about our weirdness nearly every day. As Amy would say "Good Times". 

I remember Amy also provided a lot of entertainment through her job at BK. She was the queen. Our friends would all sit in the food court and watch her as if she was hanging out with us. I also weirdly remember how one of her co-workers gave us his number and one of my friends unfortunately believed he was going to ask her out... Amy working there was also good as she tried to be very generous to us. So whenever I went to see her and ask for a small drink, she would give me a large. Despite the fact I only wanted a small because I didn't want to drink a lot as it would make me need the toilet on the way home. But I just loved how she was so kind to her friends in this way. 

Amy unfortunately moved on (well unfortunate for them) and went on to the big scary world of full time employment. Which a lot of us did in fairness. And we didn't talk as much, but would still make the effort to meet up when we can. Amy and I have the same kind of system where we feel we don't have to talk everyday, as we would rather have like a big catch up in person every now and then. I would love going places with Amy as she was always so fun and positive. We often went to Pizza Hut for her birthday and it was always good. Going to a club with her is always an experience, and watching her being one of the last on a dance floor is an inspiration. It's a shame that our lives got a bit busy to do things like that. 

But what is really important is that even though we don't talk everyday (or even weeks for that matter) I know that when I do need her she will be there for me, and she will always try to make some time to see me. 

I believe everyone needs a friend like Amy. One who is not afraid to dance like nobody is watching.

One who is not afraid to do the thing that might make her seem "ditzy" like when she decided pour an overflowing cup of water into a cup of the same size. One who is open and honest when things aren't going well because we all need reminders that we are just human. One who is dependable to be a shoulder to cry on. One who cares. One who works hard. One who inspires. 

So I just want to thank Amy for being my friend for the last Decade or so, and for continuing to involve me in some amazing parts of her life. I cannot wait to see how this amazing person continues to grow. 

I'll see you when I see you.

Oooooo October.

So October was a pretty crazy month for me, having both good and bad moments. This post will just focus on the good, because I want to always remind myself that there is something positive going on. Due to the craziness it meant that I got a little behind with blogging so I apologise in advance if this post doesn't make much sense, as I am trying to remember everything I did, which is a bigger task than you may think. But I will try my best.

The first week of October wasn't actually that exciting and was mainly just trying to sort things for the upcoming move. So there was a lot of packing, on day one and then chilling in the evening with Dean and Nora watching Waterloo Road (which is essentially most of the evenings this month unless I state otherwise). Day two was a travel to the new flat to wait for someone to come and reinstate the gas. So most of the morning was spent trying to entertain Nora in an empty room. I'd say I did pretty well, and she showed off her physical capabilities. Finally the guy turned up and was able to get the heating working. However, he then had issues with the hot water, and even called a co-worker to help, it didn't, and he said he would return the next day.  Therefore, Nora and I had more time in the flat, this time they arrived a bit earlier. And it was a complication of weird parts but eventually the hot water began to work as well. WOO. This day was also interesting because a neighbouring cat broke into the flat by jumping through a window I had open to talk to my mum, who had come to drive Nora and I back home. He was a very cute cat that I have named Cornelius. We'll ignore the fact

my mum is fairly certain it's a girl cat.. Friday was a fun afternoon out with my sister, as we went shopping around the city, and Nora continued her obsessions with mobile phones by abducting Hariette's. Then that evening Dean and I went on a fun Tesco Shop so he could get some food for his stay this weekend, I remember going down the toy isle and seeing someone had placed a spooky Halloween mask on a Peppa Pig toy. It was pretty funny. Saturday was pretty much just a chilled day, but the team went on a little late night walk, which are always amusing because Nora makes the cutest little faces on these.

Sunday was again rather chilled, but the evening was very nice as Dean took us on a little date to Chiquitos as he has never experienced the delightful food there. I remember this evening quite well. We arrived and sat on one of the cool mosaic tables, and was able to watch all the drama unfold by the kitchen as various types of takeaway drivers would turn up and wait a century for there food order. Some of them would just walk off without even getting it. I also remember taking one of the Sombreros from the stand and letting Nora explore it. She looked very cute when I put it on her head, even if it was very big for her. Unfortunately the food was a bit of a let down. Not because it wasn't delicious, but they had decreased the size of their enchiladas!!! I felt bad for Dean as I had bigged this place up so much. I still had a lovely time though, and I hope he did as well. Monday 7th was pretty boring, as I was just trying to sort flat stuff again. However, my electricity then turned off, so I had to take Nora on a spontaneous walk to Londis to top up the key. She made the funniest faces at the trees. Next day was pretty similar, but also had a Health Visit for Nora, where we mainly discussed weaning. Turns out it is a lot different to what I thought, as it is just about exploring tastes and textures and wouldn't actually replace her milk feeds until she is closer to a year old. Which is a long way a way. Well not that much considering she is almost 4 months old at this point. On the Thursday my mum said about taking Nora and myself to go and see her friend Jane. I like going to Jane's as she is like an Auntie to me. Nora was exceptionally cute round there as well. She enjoys the attention. After this my mum asked if I wanted to go anywhere for lunch, so I

suggested Pizza Hut, and away we went. It was really nice and at one point Nora tried taking my cup of Pepsi Max, and it genuinely looked like she was going to drink out of it. Whilst there Hariette messaged saying that she didn't have her key so she was locked out after coming home from work, and because we were in the middle of eating I suggested that Hal met us. So we waited for her arrival, and she had some cuddles with Nora, and offered her some garlic bread which I'm certain Nora would have just taken. Then we had dessert (yumm, cookie dough) and headed home.

I saw mum and Hariette again on Friday as we had planned to get our haircut at the wonderful time of 6pm. But first mum came over to help me move a few of the smaller items to the new flat, as I had called people about hiring a van the next day. Once that was done she took us back to Horsford to hang out at the house until it was time for the haircut,  I was hoping to see Sebbles, but he had other ideas. Most of the time at the hairdressers was spent trying to take photo's of Nora in front of the Instagram wall. I was pretty happy with my haircut, went shorter which I find easier to maintain. Saturday was an exciting day as this was the official move. So once Dean and I had woken up, we made a start on preparing the items that were going to be put in the van, so Dean carefully dismantled the bed, and I took legs off the sofa and unpacked and unplugged the fridge freezer. The driver of the van was super friendly and we managed to get all the stuff moved within an hour which was pretty good. The family then came round to try and help assemble the furniture. So now I had officially moved! Only downside was that there was no internet until the 21st which was another reason as to why I was so delayed with blog posts and things. But Dean and I had managed to download episodes of Waterloo Road, so we were saved!!! Skipping to Monday 14th

when mum came to visit, bringing Nora some cool new toys. Then she dropped me back at the old flat so that I could clean it now I had moved out. I didn't do the best of jobs, because it's tough cleaning when you have a tiny baby. The next couple days were pretty chilled, until Wednesday evening when Dean offered to help clean the old flat some more when he had finished work. I mean I think the main reason he offered was so he could treat himself to ice cream from Sundaes Gelato. It was good ice cream to be fair.

Thursday 17th was pretty good. It began a little morbid as I had to relive a bunch of stuff as part of my wellbeing call, but the positive from that is there is going to be progress in my mood hopefully. After having lunch, I then decided to test walking into the city as there was a couple of jobs I needed to do. First was going to the library, and I read Nora some books. Then she took a nap as I went into boots to print some photographs as part of my Nannie and Granddad's birthday presents, and once that was finished we headed down to riverside to meet my friends. Which was much needed. First I went into spoons, as I was cold and needed a place to feed Nora, and this then became the meeting place for the group. First Maddy appeared, shortly followed by a confused Amy, who despite staring straight at me couldn't see us, then Emma, followed by Paige and eventually Siobhan. So we all had a little catch up here before deciding on going to grab food at Frankie and Benny's where I discovered that once again a restaurant has decided to get rid of my favourite vegetarian option. But I still had a really good time, it was fun watching Emma interact with Nora, considering Emma has been off in America most of Nora's life. She was singing her these weird songs she learnt whilst over there (Siobhan and I were amused by the actions for foreign car) and Emma also wanted to read all the different library books I had collected for Nora. On the Friday I decided to meet up with Hariette in the city as she was travelling home from London, so we did our usual shopping around. I then took the bus home with her, because the heavens opened up and it began to piss it down. I also experienced how unhelpful some people are when you are trying to get a

pushchair on or off the bus. The weekend was just pretty chilled staying at the flat with Nora and Dean. Which sounds so simple, but it is one of my favourite things to do. On the Monday, Mum wanted to come see Nora, and it was Hal's day off so we ventured into Riverside for a Nando's meal and a little bit of shopping at Morrisons/B&M, where I got a couple of items for the flat, and some things to get me excited for the approaching Halloween.

On the 22nd, I had to stay in as I had an appointment with my Perinatal Mental Health Worker. This was a good meeting as she said she was pleased with my progress and we sorted out me being discharged. Not long after this I also had a guy come to check that everything is working fine with the gas, so it was a pretty uneventful day really. But the next couple of days would make up for that because we were approaching my Nannie's Birthday. So the Wednesday Mum, Hal, Nannie, Nora and I all went to the Castle Carvery for a little celebration, and we gave Nannie her present (it was this family tree style photo thing, and she loved the pictures of Nora), also got to enjoy a delicious carvery. After parting ways, mum took us for a quick shop around Roys, where we got Nora this cute little push along monster car, she really enjoys playing with the fake string hair it has. The Next day Nannie came to collect Nora and myself from the flat and took us to her house. Here she had a whole houseful of family members to celebrate her birthday. Nora enjoyed the mass of attention she got. She was also trying to support herself sitting whilst looking at building blocks her second cousin was passing to her. Friday 25th Mum and Dad came for a visit to

try and help me sort out a cooker and a washing machine, we didn't really have much luck, but Nora was being cute giving them hugs and kisses so that made it all okay.  Another weekend, another chilled time with Dean and Nora, but it wasn't completely chilled as Dean decided he wanted a McDonald's for breakfast, so I ceased this opportunity to go to ASDA and get some Wellies as winter is coming.

Sunday was a little different however as at 1pm a car containing Amy, Paige and Emma came to pick Nora and myself up so we could go and collect pumpkins! I remember pumpkin picking with the group last year and it was a really nice time (distracted me perfectly from the drama that was going on) it was also the time I first told Emma I was pregnant, so to go back a year later with that baby was really good. So we managed to get to the place (despite Amy getting confused on a round-about going around it 3 times) and waited there for Siobhan her sister and nephew to arrive. Whilst we waited we took some pretty cute pictures at the booths. I was disappointed that the tractor had gone though. Once everyone had arrived we headed onto the field, which was cold, but not as wet as I thought it would be, and everyone went straight into choosing pumpkins. I got 3 because they were pretty cheap, besides it was Nora's first Halloween I had to go all out. After we got the pumpkins, we decided to carve them at mine (so this meant a panic run to ASDA to get the right equipment) but safely at mine we all started carving and listening to Emma's Halloween Soundtrack. It was a really nice time, and I was very pleased with everyone's creations. I don't think I really did much on the Monday because Nora and I were all funned out. So we shall skip to the 29th when mum decided she wanted to go in Smyth's Toy store. Oh my god that place is incredible. When I go in places like that I like to think about the Al's Toy Barn scene from Toy Story 2. We got Nora some toys, and a new cot mattress, as she is getting too big for her Moses basket :'( After this we went to the Copper Beach for a little carvery. The next day was a crafty day, as I was making cute Halloween decorations with Nora. I really wanted this Halloween to be special, because last year I went through one of the toughest days of my life so I wanted to replace that memory with some great ones. And I got some really nice ones. So first I got Nora kitted out in a kitten onesie, and

even painted whiskers on my face to join in with the fun, and we headed into the city so I could get some cat ears from Beaujangles to complete the look. When then had a quick stop at the library to get some new books before heading to the doctors as Nora had a spooky injection. She was really smiley and happy until the needle went in her leg. But after a cuddle she was back to her usual self and was happy for her Auntie and Nanny to come visit. After that Dean came round, like he usually does, and we all decorated these gingerbread pumpkins. Super cute!

So that was my crazyish October, and I'm sorry it probably made no sense, but I try and write these around looking after a baby so please forgive me. To be fair I doubt anyone really cares, I mainly just write these for myself to look back on and be like, oh yeah I remember that day... Anyway... See you when I see you!