My Recovery Journey: Reaching Out

TRIGGER WARNING *sensitive themes may be discussed*

I was able to tell myself I'm not okay. Now what? Just go about my day to day? No because my day to day is a big ball of stress. So I just run away and hide from everything! I've tried that before. It doesn't work. 

Let's talk about that actually. 

Picture this: a young adult who you would think is thriving in life, got a promotion at work, has a loving partner, surrounded by awesome friends and family. But they are constantly invaded by negative feelings, anger, frustration, sadness, depression. Then there are the impulsive thoughts on how to cope with those intense feelings. Then there is the actual carrying out of those impulses. Then slap on the carefree face mask and head out into the world like none of the scary shit is there. Until COLLAPSE. No more functioning, no more turning up to work, no more responding to friends, no more picking up the phone, and just spending an eternity under the duvet watching the entirety of How I Met Your Mother. 

And maybe that is where I got the idea to tell my mother. Actually it might have been my manager ringing all my emergency contacts trying to force me to come into work, but that is not the point of this story. 

The point is. 

I told my mum I was not happy, and she suggested seeing a doctor. Which I did and he brought up the idea of Workplace stress and I should be signed off for a month. And naively I thought that would solve all my problems. Then it got really bad, not knowing what to do with my life, and attempts to end it all and a lot of self hatred for that fact I was too weak to actually end it all. I became very reliant on those who I knew would support me, then felt a lot of self hatred for dragging them down with me. 

I returned to the medical professionals. But it's actually quite sad to think that I did not reach out to save myself for me. I did it because I found out there was a tiny human being growing inside me, and I had to protect that innocent being, because if I didn't no-one else would. 

So Doctors, The Perinatal Mental Health Team, Health Visitors, More Doctors, Counsellors, Talking Therapists, Peer Support Workers, 111, The Crisis Team, Good Samaritans, The Recovery College. I'm trying them all. I'm trying to cling on to any tiny branch I can because this leaf cannot fall to the ground. 

And over these years a very common theme started to occur. That people are there to catch me, people want to help me, and I should let them want to help me. 

Not only should I reach out to the professionals I should find my own support system. I became more honest with co workers and management about how I can get, which has helped develop some coping strategies. I am more honest with my mother and partner about how I am and they provide me with support and love to help me feel like I am not going through this alone. 

Something I think we all need to realise is that we put on these smiles because we think we need to be happy all the time. We think those dark moments are something to be ashamed of and we are the only people who can possibly feel this way. But I think the more we talk about it, the more we realise that it's probably very natural, and the shame can shrink away and everything will be better. Right?

It's still difficult. It's still hard to reach out. I feel like everybody's burden, I feel weak, and I feel like everyone is just going to get sick of me bringing them down, or asking for help, or just constantly venting my feelings that never make any sense. I also hate the feeling of pity, like people feel sorry for me, or that they have to treat me differently now. 

So sometimes I hold back, I reveal a little but not a lot, and then I think everyone ends up confused by how nothing seems to connect and make sense. I need to get better at reaching out sure. But I think I also need to acknowledge that I am doing it a hell of a lot better than I did years ago. Well done me for taking that scary step, and even though I'm not at the top of reaching out for support success, I'm heading in the right direction. 

My Recovery Journey: FINCH APP

On a journey of recovery you will probably experience lots of different strategies to help you go to where you need to be. So why not talk about how these work for me. 

*THIS IS NOT A SPONSORED POST! I AM SIMPLY SHARING MY THOUGHTS ON SOMETHING I AM USING FOR MY PERSONAL JOURNEY*

Let's begin with the FINCH App which you can download to your phone. You can use it as a free app, which I do because I'm still getting to know whether or not it is actually making a real difference. But there is an option to subscribe to the service to unlock more features. I feel the features on the free version are helpful enough for now so that is what I am sticking with. 

So you get introduced to your little baby finch which you can colour, assign a name and even pronouns. This is MINT, and I always like expressing gender fluidity. Even though I myself identify as She/Her I always feel that there is nothing wrong if someone were to call me he/him because I see nothing harmful about being a boy. But everyone reacts to gender differently, and their identity, and to me personally it isn't if you are male or female it is if you are kind to me. That's what matters. And that is what I want to also teach my daughter, that there are a variety of pronouns out there and we should be respectful of those. 

Mint started off as a baby (sorry I didn't get screenshots back then I didn't see myself writing this in the future to prepare) and the idea is you are given goals. Now with these goals you can either select from a lovely organised list of predetermined goals or create your own. I tend to do a mix, adding in things they recommend for the different categories, and then things I know I need to do in my own life. It also means you can break the goals down into smaller steps. For example it says "Do Laundry" but I then add, put laundry on spin, hang outside, bring inside, put away. Because all the tasks together feels a lot and I want to feel the small wins. So yeah the laundry pile hasn't gone back in the wardrobe but I did the other steps, or yay I turned on the washing machine today! 

Plus the more tasks you do the more energy you earn. And the app kind of centres around this idea of energy. Because you want to be able to send your finch on a journey, and you can't do that until you have completed so many tasks. Then on the journey they find something, which is supposed to be a reward type element. So you collect, stories, stones and eggs. 

The stories you can mould to fit more your personality and journey as it asks you to respond with different options. Which creates the little graph of your pet you can see in the first image. As you can see Mint is very much like me in that they don't have a lot of confidence and aren't very logical. Compassion is what is most important to Mint. 

Honestly I do not care too much for the stories, even though I do find the interaction amusing, and am overjoyed we both have distain for the film Frozen. To me all I care about are the stones and the eggs. So let's talk about those a little more. You get an egg you need to hatch, and you select a task to attach to the egg. For example right now I am trying to hatch an egg by saying thank you to myself once a day for 7 days. Obviously you don't have to do it daily, but the longer you take to get to the number of days, the longer you wait to hatch the cute little pets! Not really sure what impact they have, aside from just being adorable, and I just want to be Ash and CATCH THEM ALL! 

My main love is the rainbow stones, because with them you can purchase things for your pet. So you can get furniture to decorate your birds nest, or outfits to dress up in, or plane tickets to travel to different locations. You have a generic shop of items, but every day you have a small selection of "special" items which I imagine rotate and all that. Now some of these are pretty cool, others I do not care for, so it is good that logging in daily reveals different things, plus travelling to new locations unlocks different items, and each month they hold an event with themed items. You can also sell things you don't want, so I had a coat I liked but then found this other thing I wanted more and didn't have any more tasks for the day so I sold the coat.  

As you interact more with the app you can unlock more features and there is so much to do. They have the option to add friends, who you can send things to and they send you things, and if you want you can share goals and chat to them. I'm not quite at that level yet because I am embarrassed by my goals, but I like the idea of being in it together. They even set up a discord page for support which is pretty adorable. Even when you open the app they provide affirmations, positivity quotes, and get you to give an emoji to how you are feeling/motivation, so you can look back at your breakdown over the day or week or whatever.  Which I think is a good reminder for me as I can see that even if I don't start of the day well, I can find happiness along the way. Or there are days which are the complete opposite, but then I can start to figure out if there are patterns. Are certain days, certain times, certain tasks more of a trigger? 

You can also choose to reflect on the tasks, and just reflect in general. They have a section where you can find prompts to think about your life, reflect on triggers or find some gratitude. They have self soothing tasks, different breathing techniques, and even simple stretch ideas to help you along the way, and the fact I can access all that for free is pretty useful. Because sometimes I feel part of my issues is thinking that I need money to improve my life (like getting my medicine prescriptions, getting gym memberships, buying healthier food etc), so not having that feeling with this app has been beneficial. 

So far I have made a good streak, but something I have discovered about myself is that I will have a hyperfocus on something for a period of time and then I am bored and done, so I wonder how long this will last? Regardless right now it is a step in my journey and it is something that rewards me for those little steps I take, because Mint wouldn't nearly be a teenager already if I haven't been looking after myself. 

My Recovery Journey: I'm not Okay

TRIGGER WARNING *sensitive themes may be discussed*

Personally if I were you I would not watch this incoherent rambling of a woman in her late twenties talking to camera in a delusion it would heal her mental health. It won't make sense, it will be boring, and I will not be held responsible for wasting your time.

I may or may not bee sharing more of my journey in the far or near future.

Now join me in listening to some My Chemical Romance : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhZTNgAs4Fc

Journey to Elli.

What is this?

What's happening?

Someone send help because Mad and a Little Bit Weird is actually writing a blog post! I know. It's okay it's probably never going to get posted, as I have a draft from back in March that I started and never looked back on. But I guess if you are reading this it means I finally hit that publish button. Or someone else hacked my account and thought posting my drafts would be a fun trick to play. Well jokes on them because nobody cares. And something I have tried to tell myself repeatedly is that other people's opinion should not define who I am. Yet on a bad day we forget all that, but anywho... I thought now was as good a time as any to fix myself, because you shouldn't need this, I'll start on the new year or on a Monday bullshit, if you want to make a change you have to start NOW!

There are a lot of changes I would like to make to myself. So in this space I will kind of just outline why I got to this point of realising I need to make these changes. It all started I don't know when, probably deep into the seeded pit of childhood, but I used to always want people to like me, often the wrong people, and I ended up being a dick towards people who actually liked me for who I was just to please this larger group of people. Which is wrong. Something I have learnt over the last year especially is that the number of friends do not matter, it is the quality of those friendships. I look back at high school/6th form and I belonged to a group of like 20 odd people who all intertwined, and yeah the random conversations you could come up with were great, and we did all have good memories, because you had a decent amount of people to play paintball or laser tag. The only problem is when a group is so big there's so much drama, because not everyone likes everyone else the same amount. So you get smaller group break offs and people not being happy they have then been excluded, and about 15 different group chats you are trying to keep up with because some can't include that certain person, and then you end up accidentally messaging the wrong thing into the wrong group chat, and people have to take sides, and you try to think the more people you have on your side means you are the better person. But what if all the people on your side aren't good people either? Then you become this little ball of stress wondering if people are talking behind your back or agreeing to meet up with you, cancelling because they are sick and it turns out they are just going to spoons instead. Like that's all crazy and it's no wonder I crack from time to time.

So pretty much the group broke down and I now have 6 friends (and their boyfriends, but ultimately I don't really talk to them they are just extensions of my friends, but that might also be because of lock-down and not really having the opportunity for them to join a group meet up.  If you go back to like my second ever blog post, I know a proper long time ago, you can see how much everything has changed. Even in the last year my whole friendship ideals have shifted dramatically.

And the above was all written by past Elli in 2023. And guess what Internet. I still haven't found myself, and guess what, the journey looks like it is about to get even longer. So I'm actually going to hit the publish button because this needs to stop sitting in my drafts, and I actually need to start finding myself. Because I have been lost for a while, and I would like very much for her to come back. 

Amy.

Questioning whether or not to just write an ordinary introduction that doesn't reference the awkward fact I have not written a blog post for what 3 years now... or to keep making the same joke that all my draft posts have about how it's so shocking I am actually writing a post. Which it is. And I guess by the fact I have written this paragraph in such a way I think we already have the answer. So welcome back. I'm sure none of you missed me. Let's crack on. 

As you can see from the title I am dedicating this post to Amy, a fellow blogger, who was my inspiration to starting my own blog, at a point where most people in my friend group had one. It was great fun reading all they had to offer, copying their topic ideas/tag posts. Slowly but surely my reading list became less and less as I guess they all just moved on from the blog. Which I also kind of did. But having a child makes a lot of changes to your life. But Amy on the other hand has almost stuck with it. Which is very admirable. And it is the reading of her blog that on two occasions now I have wanted to restart my blog. But that isn't the only reason I am going to dedicate this post in her honour. 

Quick Sidenote before the quick story time: The first section of this blog post I had actually drafted in.. let's check ..oh my god 2020 so if it is confusing, it probably is because it is. But as my friend pillowcat from one of my daughter's favourite shows would say: let's roll with it. 

Quick story time: As it is Halloween, my friends and I went to pick pumpkins. As it is during a global pandemic we thought it would be safe to pick the pumpkins in the field together like we have done in previous, but best leave the carving separately as to not put each other at risk. So it was a couple of days ago I had carved my pumpkin and was asking how everyone else was doing and suggested we should have a group call to discuss it all yaddayadda. This call we had last night. And a considerable amount of the call was just Amy and myself, because everyone else had other things in their life to get on with. And amongst many things we discussed blogs was one of them. And we recalled the time I would write a post every day, I spoke about how I do have draft posts that I adapt and then can never be bothered to finish, and we also mentioned how one time I just wrote a post about my friend Emma because Emma had requested it. So since that conversation I kind of wanted to get back into blogging, and I thought instead of finishing one of those draft posts that I am clearly never going to finish I thought. Amy. 

Now to the actual topic of conversation:

I can't recall the exact moment I met Amy. Around year 8 my group of friends just became group of friends joining together with many groups of friends and we were all just friends. We didn't have many classes together in school, so most of the time was just talking at break times, and the meet ups when school wasn't happening. I think in year 10 when we sat on the same table in English our friendship grew a lot. I remember the weird posters we made, and laughing at Beth's response to Sherlock not being dead. And I think a lot of our main bonding would come from the almighty "late bus", which was a bus that picked you up from the school and took you home like an hour after school had finished if you stayed behind for a club or do homework or had a secret 6th lesson because you were in 6th form. The bus at first was a people movers bus, which I loved because it moved people, and we would talk about random stuff. Mainly the craziness that happened in the show Waterloo Road. It went so far that in 6th form we referred to ourselves (and those that joined us) as the "Late Bus Gang" and even went so far as to start describing a movie we were going to make about our lives. I still wonder what the bus driver Andrew thought about our weirdness nearly every day. As Amy would say "Good Times". 

I remember Amy also provided a lot of entertainment through her job at BK. She was the queen. Our friends would all sit in the food court and watch her as if she was hanging out with us. I also weirdly remember how one of her co-workers gave us his number and one of my friends unfortunately believed he was going to ask her out... Amy working there was also good as she tried to be very generous to us. So whenever I went to see her and ask for a small drink, she would give me a large. Despite the fact I only wanted a small because I didn't want to drink a lot as it would make me need the toilet on the way home. But I just loved how she was so kind to her friends in this way. 

Amy unfortunately moved on (well unfortunate for them) and went on to the big scary world of full time employment. Which a lot of us did in fairness. And we didn't talk as much, but would still make the effort to meet up when we can. Amy and I have the same kind of system where we feel we don't have to talk everyday, as we would rather have like a big catch up in person every now and then. I would love going places with Amy as she was always so fun and positive. We often went to Pizza Hut for her birthday and it was always good. Going to a club with her is always an experience, and watching her being one of the last on a dance floor is an inspiration. It's a shame that our lives got a bit busy to do things like that. 

But what is really important is that even though we don't talk everyday (or even weeks for that matter) I know that when I do need her she will be there for me, and she will always try to make some time to see me. 

I believe everyone needs a friend like Amy. One who is not afraid to dance like nobody is watching.

One who is not afraid to do the thing that might make her seem "ditzy" like when she decided pour an overflowing cup of water into a cup of the same size. One who is open and honest when things aren't going well because we all need reminders that we are just human. One who is dependable to be a shoulder to cry on. One who cares. One who works hard. One who inspires. 

So I just want to thank Amy for being my friend for the last Decade or so, and for continuing to involve me in some amazing parts of her life. I cannot wait to see how this amazing person continues to grow. 

I'll see you when I see you.

Oooooo October.

So October was a pretty crazy month for me, having both good and bad moments. This post will just focus on the good, because I want to always remind myself that there is something positive going on. Due to the craziness it meant that I got a little behind with blogging so I apologise in advance if this post doesn't make much sense, as I am trying to remember everything I did, which is a bigger task than you may think. But I will try my best.

The first week of October wasn't actually that exciting and was mainly just trying to sort things for the upcoming move. So there was a lot of packing, on day one and then chilling in the evening with Dean and Nora watching Waterloo Road (which is essentially most of the evenings this month unless I state otherwise). Day two was a travel to the new flat to wait for someone to come and reinstate the gas. So most of the morning was spent trying to entertain Nora in an empty room. I'd say I did pretty well, and she showed off her physical capabilities. Finally the guy turned up and was able to get the heating working. However, he then had issues with the hot water, and even called a co-worker to help, it didn't, and he said he would return the next day.  Therefore, Nora and I had more time in the flat, this time they arrived a bit earlier. And it was a complication of weird parts but eventually the hot water began to work as well. WOO. This day was also interesting because a neighbouring cat broke into the flat by jumping through a window I had open to talk to my mum, who had come to drive Nora and I back home. He was a very cute cat that I have named Cornelius. We'll ignore the fact

my mum is fairly certain it's a girl cat.. Friday was a fun afternoon out with my sister, as we went shopping around the city, and Nora continued her obsessions with mobile phones by abducting Hariette's. Then that evening Dean and I went on a fun Tesco Shop so he could get some food for his stay this weekend, I remember going down the toy isle and seeing someone had placed a spooky Halloween mask on a Peppa Pig toy. It was pretty funny. Saturday was pretty much just a chilled day, but the team went on a little late night walk, which are always amusing because Nora makes the cutest little faces on these.

Sunday was again rather chilled, but the evening was very nice as Dean took us on a little date to Chiquitos as he has never experienced the delightful food there. I remember this evening quite well. We arrived and sat on one of the cool mosaic tables, and was able to watch all the drama unfold by the kitchen as various types of takeaway drivers would turn up and wait a century for there food order. Some of them would just walk off without even getting it. I also remember taking one of the Sombreros from the stand and letting Nora explore it. She looked very cute when I put it on her head, even if it was very big for her. Unfortunately the food was a bit of a let down. Not because it wasn't delicious, but they had decreased the size of their enchiladas!!! I felt bad for Dean as I had bigged this place up so much. I still had a lovely time though, and I hope he did as well. Monday 7th was pretty boring, as I was just trying to sort flat stuff again. However, my electricity then turned off, so I had to take Nora on a spontaneous walk to Londis to top up the key. She made the funniest faces at the trees. Next day was pretty similar, but also had a Health Visit for Nora, where we mainly discussed weaning. Turns out it is a lot different to what I thought, as it is just about exploring tastes and textures and wouldn't actually replace her milk feeds until she is closer to a year old. Which is a long way a way. Well not that much considering she is almost 4 months old at this point. On the Thursday my mum said about taking Nora and myself to go and see her friend Jane. I like going to Jane's as she is like an Auntie to me. Nora was exceptionally cute round there as well. She enjoys the attention. After this my mum asked if I wanted to go anywhere for lunch, so I

suggested Pizza Hut, and away we went. It was really nice and at one point Nora tried taking my cup of Pepsi Max, and it genuinely looked like she was going to drink out of it. Whilst there Hariette messaged saying that she didn't have her key so she was locked out after coming home from work, and because we were in the middle of eating I suggested that Hal met us. So we waited for her arrival, and she had some cuddles with Nora, and offered her some garlic bread which I'm certain Nora would have just taken. Then we had dessert (yumm, cookie dough) and headed home.

I saw mum and Hariette again on Friday as we had planned to get our haircut at the wonderful time of 6pm. But first mum came over to help me move a few of the smaller items to the new flat, as I had called people about hiring a van the next day. Once that was done she took us back to Horsford to hang out at the house until it was time for the haircut,  I was hoping to see Sebbles, but he had other ideas. Most of the time at the hairdressers was spent trying to take photo's of Nora in front of the Instagram wall. I was pretty happy with my haircut, went shorter which I find easier to maintain. Saturday was an exciting day as this was the official move. So once Dean and I had woken up, we made a start on preparing the items that were going to be put in the van, so Dean carefully dismantled the bed, and I took legs off the sofa and unpacked and unplugged the fridge freezer. The driver of the van was super friendly and we managed to get all the stuff moved within an hour which was pretty good. The family then came round to try and help assemble the furniture. So now I had officially moved! Only downside was that there was no internet until the 21st which was another reason as to why I was so delayed with blog posts and things. But Dean and I had managed to download episodes of Waterloo Road, so we were saved!!! Skipping to Monday 14th

when mum came to visit, bringing Nora some cool new toys. Then she dropped me back at the old flat so that I could clean it now I had moved out. I didn't do the best of jobs, because it's tough cleaning when you have a tiny baby. The next couple days were pretty chilled, until Wednesday evening when Dean offered to help clean the old flat some more when he had finished work. I mean I think the main reason he offered was so he could treat himself to ice cream from Sundaes Gelato. It was good ice cream to be fair.

Thursday 17th was pretty good. It began a little morbid as I had to relive a bunch of stuff as part of my wellbeing call, but the positive from that is there is going to be progress in my mood hopefully. After having lunch, I then decided to test walking into the city as there was a couple of jobs I needed to do. First was going to the library, and I read Nora some books. Then she took a nap as I went into boots to print some photographs as part of my Nannie and Granddad's birthday presents, and once that was finished we headed down to riverside to meet my friends. Which was much needed. First I went into spoons, as I was cold and needed a place to feed Nora, and this then became the meeting place for the group. First Maddy appeared, shortly followed by a confused Amy, who despite staring straight at me couldn't see us, then Emma, followed by Paige and eventually Siobhan. So we all had a little catch up here before deciding on going to grab food at Frankie and Benny's where I discovered that once again a restaurant has decided to get rid of my favourite vegetarian option. But I still had a really good time, it was fun watching Emma interact with Nora, considering Emma has been off in America most of Nora's life. She was singing her these weird songs she learnt whilst over there (Siobhan and I were amused by the actions for foreign car) and Emma also wanted to read all the different library books I had collected for Nora. On the Friday I decided to meet up with Hariette in the city as she was travelling home from London, so we did our usual shopping around. I then took the bus home with her, because the heavens opened up and it began to piss it down. I also experienced how unhelpful some people are when you are trying to get a

pushchair on or off the bus. The weekend was just pretty chilled staying at the flat with Nora and Dean. Which sounds so simple, but it is one of my favourite things to do. On the Monday, Mum wanted to come see Nora, and it was Hal's day off so we ventured into Riverside for a Nando's meal and a little bit of shopping at Morrisons/B&M, where I got a couple of items for the flat, and some things to get me excited for the approaching Halloween.

On the 22nd, I had to stay in as I had an appointment with my Perinatal Mental Health Worker. This was a good meeting as she said she was pleased with my progress and we sorted out me being discharged. Not long after this I also had a guy come to check that everything is working fine with the gas, so it was a pretty uneventful day really. But the next couple of days would make up for that because we were approaching my Nannie's Birthday. So the Wednesday Mum, Hal, Nannie, Nora and I all went to the Castle Carvery for a little celebration, and we gave Nannie her present (it was this family tree style photo thing, and she loved the pictures of Nora), also got to enjoy a delicious carvery. After parting ways, mum took us for a quick shop around Roys, where we got Nora this cute little push along monster car, she really enjoys playing with the fake string hair it has. The Next day Nannie came to collect Nora and myself from the flat and took us to her house. Here she had a whole houseful of family members to celebrate her birthday. Nora enjoyed the mass of attention she got. She was also trying to support herself sitting whilst looking at building blocks her second cousin was passing to her. Friday 25th Mum and Dad came for a visit to

try and help me sort out a cooker and a washing machine, we didn't really have much luck, but Nora was being cute giving them hugs and kisses so that made it all okay.  Another weekend, another chilled time with Dean and Nora, but it wasn't completely chilled as Dean decided he wanted a McDonald's for breakfast, so I ceased this opportunity to go to ASDA and get some Wellies as winter is coming.

Sunday was a little different however as at 1pm a car containing Amy, Paige and Emma came to pick Nora and myself up so we could go and collect pumpkins! I remember pumpkin picking with the group last year and it was a really nice time (distracted me perfectly from the drama that was going on) it was also the time I first told Emma I was pregnant, so to go back a year later with that baby was really good. So we managed to get to the place (despite Amy getting confused on a round-about going around it 3 times) and waited there for Siobhan her sister and nephew to arrive. Whilst we waited we took some pretty cute pictures at the booths. I was disappointed that the tractor had gone though. Once everyone had arrived we headed onto the field, which was cold, but not as wet as I thought it would be, and everyone went straight into choosing pumpkins. I got 3 because they were pretty cheap, besides it was Nora's first Halloween I had to go all out. After we got the pumpkins, we decided to carve them at mine (so this meant a panic run to ASDA to get the right equipment) but safely at mine we all started carving and listening to Emma's Halloween Soundtrack. It was a really nice time, and I was very pleased with everyone's creations. I don't think I really did much on the Monday because Nora and I were all funned out. So we shall skip to the 29th when mum decided she wanted to go in Smyth's Toy store. Oh my god that place is incredible. When I go in places like that I like to think about the Al's Toy Barn scene from Toy Story 2. We got Nora some toys, and a new cot mattress, as she is getting too big for her Moses basket :'( After this we went to the Copper Beach for a little carvery. The next day was a crafty day, as I was making cute Halloween decorations with Nora. I really wanted this Halloween to be special, because last year I went through one of the toughest days of my life so I wanted to replace that memory with some great ones. And I got some really nice ones. So first I got Nora kitted out in a kitten onesie, and

even painted whiskers on my face to join in with the fun, and we headed into the city so I could get some cat ears from Beaujangles to complete the look. When then had a quick stop at the library to get some new books before heading to the doctors as Nora had a spooky injection. She was really smiley and happy until the needle went in her leg. But after a cuddle she was back to her usual self and was happy for her Auntie and Nanny to come visit. After that Dean came round, like he usually does, and we all decorated these gingerbread pumpkins. Super cute!

So that was my crazyish October, and I'm sorry it probably made no sense, but I try and write these around looking after a baby so please forgive me. To be fair I doubt anyone really cares, I mainly just write these for myself to look back on and be like, oh yeah I remember that day... Anyway... See you when I see you!

So September.

Hey, so this month I have been nowhere near as organised as I was last month, because it has been crazy and you are about to find out why. I'm a little worried that I have made this post sound more interesting than it is probably going to turn out to be, so please do not follow the hype just because I am likely to disappoint. Anyway here goes.

Okay the actual first day of the month was pretty uneventful, so I've already broken the whole idea of the month being crazy. It was pretty much just Dean, Nora and I chilling at my flat. The following day was a little busier, I planned to go to the bank to sort an account for Nora, and before I went decided to take her to the library for a treat. It was really nice in there, and I enjoyed reading the book 'Worm loves worm' which made the lovely statement of how it doesn't matter how weddings have been traditionally a bride and a groom, and things go a certain way, because the most important thing is that they love each other. I think Nora also liked her time looking at books, and we even took a few home with us. We particularly liked Maisy's Bus as it reminded me of my own childhood.   However, we didn't have much time to settle at home as we got ready to go out for a meal, which was rather special as it was us meeting Dean's family properly. We went to 'The Oak Tree' where I've never been before, but was highly intrigued by the 2 for £10 menu. They also had a good selection of vegetarian options which I was pleased with, I chose the vegetable lasagne, wasn't the best, I got confused by the inclusion of chickpeas. But I had a really good time getting to know more about Dean's life, as sometimes I feel we are very orientated around me. Plus Nora was very well behaved out, when usually she becomes very needy when I am trying to eat. The following day was pretty relaxed trying to have a bit of a tidy, I also want to say my mum came round to visit, but in all honesty I don't really remember. That evening though I met Maddy in Jarrolds as we discussed wool colours (I know super exciting), before heading to Tesco to collect supplies for Bake Off! Not that we were going to have a bake off, but to get snacks and drinks for her, myself and Amy to watch it. We also bought Amy a birthday cake as we were planning on giving her presents (yes I know Amy's Birthday was like a month beforehand, but she went on holiday and this was the first opportunity I had to present her with the present). We then settled at my flat, chatting and cooking as we waited for Amy, then once she had turned up there was more chatting and cooking. We then provided Amy with her gifts, had super long gossip time, before ultimately watching the bake off. There was some more chat as Dean arrived, and then Maddy and Amy had to go as they had work in the morning. It was then I realised we never got out Amy's Birthday cake, so Amy if you are reading this. I am sorry. The 4th September was pretty routine, hanging out with my daughter, we

also had a health visit, which went really well. Onto the Thursday which was a really cute day. We got the bus down to Horsford so that I can see Sebbles. Well he wasn't the only reason, we also went out to see my Grandad as Nora is a bit more alert and smiley now I thought it would be good for him to see her like that, following this was the traditional meal out with mum and Hariette where we went to the hungry horse. Here I had 2 interesting phone calls which was going to make the following week very interesting, you'll find out if you read on...

Friday was also a pretty good day, Hariette and mum came to visit us at the flat and we walked across to 'The Golden Star' for lunch (Yes I am fully aware of how much I have eaten out in September so far, do not fear it's only going to get worse) Nora was being super cute when taking pictures, and very much enjoyed standing on the table. Other than that it was a pretty chilled evening, with a late night walk to Tesco, I love these little trips because Nora would look so amazed at the world in the dark. The next day was pretty chilled, Maddy came over to hang out with myself Nora and Dean. This is when we decided to finally consume the caterpillar cake. Dean opting to hold it like a burrito and attack it, Maddy and I just peeling off the chocolate layer. Then for the evening Dean, Nora and I went to Pizza Hut, for a cute little date, Nora was being exceptionally cute. Then we went on a little shopping trip around Morrisons. I got excited by the random giant balloons. Sunday was then pretty chilled around packing up for the very exciting week ahead, HOLIDAY!!! Which you can read all about in  this handy little post. But before we could head out for our holiday fun, first I had to view a flat. I turned up and there was only one other person there to view it. So it was looking good, however, she was higher up in the queue than myself and she wanted it. The same happened when Dean and I had to travel back for a viewing on the Thursday. Which was a little annoying as it disrupted our holiday.

Once back from our holiday it was the usual kind of thing, seeing my mum and Maddy and Dean. Sunday was a little wander around the city and a trip to McDonald's where Nora was enjoying having raspberries blown on her tummy. Monday was very exciting, as I had yet another flat viewing. When I turned up there was a few people, so I wasn't feeling so hopeful. But by some miracle I was told I was... 2nd in the queue, so I knew it was going to be the same as the week before. However a miracle really did take place as those in first didn't want it! So I ran out to my mum and told her that I had to make a quick decision. And now I have a new flat! Woohoo! Nora has her own room and there's so much space! So very excited I began planning in my head the decorating of this new place and made a mental list of all the things needed to be done. Which began getting a bit stressful. But anyway, that evening when chilling with Nora and Dean, I managed to get her first proper laugh out of her. It was just the cutest. The following day was just a chilled time at the flat before Maddy came over to watch Bake-off, and planning things for the new flat. Wednesday 18th was a busy sorting out day. First was going to city hall to sign paper work and collect the keys to the new flat, then it was just hanging out with Nora before I had to go to a GP appointment, where I was given the sad news that my doctor was leaving the practice. So I was put in a bit of a stressful mood, as I really liked my GP. Anyway after that I then met with Maddy when she finished work and we took the bus down to the new flat, where she very kindly helped to measure for ovens and carpets and curtains, while I began to lose my mind on the phone to British Gas. Honestly moving is very stressful. Dean then met with us and we had a quick look around Carpetright before it closed, and a

little look around curry's before I realised that things are not as simple as they seem, and jsut went into a stress bubble. Luckily I had something to look forward to the next day as I planned to go bowling with Amy and Paige. Nora and I walked down to Riverside after just a boring day really, and then met the group at Chiquitos, where I had a delicious enchilada and we all had a good catch up. We then bowled, taking it in turns to entertain Nora, and then began the arcade quest. Collecting tickets galore, in the hopes of getting this toy Dumbo key chains.

The following day Dean took a half day at work, so in the afternoon we could try and sort out things for the new place. This mainly involved collecting pain from Johnstones, which they provided me with way too much choice, I did manage to restrict myself to only 3 colours though. And then I managed to order carpet to be put it which was able to happen a lot sooner than I was first told which was really good. However, it made me panic a little as dad said I should really want the painting finished before it gets put in. So pretty much the next week was a crazing painting nightmare. But I managed to have some amazing help from Dean, my mum, my dad, and my sister. They also helped to treat me which eased the stress. So on the 21st Dean took Nora and I to the Castle Carvery for a delicious roast dinner. Then on the Sunday we had a little shopping spree

in the city to buy equipment that might help. The 23rd was just a sorting day at the flat, before Hariette came for a sleepover. I think it was some much needed bonding time for her and Nora. Mum joined us the next day to help paint (mum taking the main job of looking after Nora) and treated us to a Zaks meal, because Zaks is just amazing. And then just painting painting painting.

Well there was a cute little trip to the library on the 27th. Where Nora looks so grown up when looking at books on her tummy.  Then finally our carpets where fitted and the new flat started feeling more like a home. And that's it really. Just a panic trying to sort out the new flat, which is why this is being posted in November. Now I have to try and remember what I did in October. Wish me luck. Sorry if this didn't make any sense, I think I've tried to rush it to get it finished. Anyway see you when I see you!