Honestly it's not been the best thing to happen, if you read my last post you know that I was let down by some people, and that was basically because I told them this news. And to be fair it was a bit of a shock. As much as I have always said my main goal in life is to be a mother, I know that now is not the most convenient of times. I'm having financial struggles, and the father is still at uni. It's not ideal. But I believe it can work.
So I did spend the first month near enough on a roller-coaster of being happy and miserable. Because I was so excited to have a baby, imagining taking them to baby groups, their little smile. Then the fear of something taking that smile away. Such as them being from a broken home, or them picking up on the tension between their parents. Because as much as I don't want there to be tension there is. I feel no matter what I do to fix it, I'm only making things worse. And I think the thing that makes me miserable the most is that I am the reason. And it will be my fault my child is unhappy. But then again that's probably just the hormones talking!
Let's talk about the fact that, I'm looking forward to seeing my sister and best friend actually come around to the idea of babies. Because they've been super supportive (like all my friends and family, who I love to pieces) but these two have specifically told me that babies ain't for them. And knowing that they are making the effort to get excited just comforts me so much. It's great to think that this child will receive so much love. And being able to discuss things like baby names, or which clothes are the cutest, and when people want to babysit is also a really weird conversation that just seems to happen naturally.
Another weird thing is the actual experience. I had my first Midwife appointment on the 21st November. I didn't realise quite how much paperwork was involved, and that I get given this cute little maternity folder. There's also a few tests involved. Like for carbon monoxide, blood tests, urine tests. And considering my need to go to the toilet has increased the one time I needed to, my body let me down. But my midwife is lovely, and is going to be my midwife throughout the experience which is comforting. I hate having to repeat information over and over again, especially if it's difficult to say. And she was so helpful, talking about the different ways I can be supported in my situation.
She then told me that she'd book me in for the dating scan. Which I should hear about in the next two weeks. So I dreaded the yet more waiting, because those first weeks were torture. But next day I got a letter saying my appointment was the following week! I was very much impressed. Then I got a letter explaining that I had a negative blood group, and needed a further blood test. And then I was told I also need to have another urine test because there was a problem. I'm going to be a pro at taking these medical tests when we get to the end of this pregnancy.
Also, there are some additional perks to being pregnant, alongside the you know actual baby you get to love everyday for the rest of your life. You get an exemption card. So I get free dental care and prescriptions and stuff. Which I doubt I would use very much, but considering finances are one of my worries, I find this a big help.
So I have been writing this in stages, which is why it probably comes across as really confusing. But I just had my dating scan, and oh my god the experience was unreal. I just look over and there they are. My baby. Wiggling about, refusing to stay still. They have inherited my stubbornness at such an early age. They are healthy, they are 12 weeks already which is pretty scary. But I saw them. A little life is growing and moving inside me. It's so fucking weird. But it really is a time to celebrate.See you when I see you!