It Was Really That Bad- March

I really do not want to look back at this month because my feelings about it are all negative. But tis the point of the post to try and see that everything isn't as gloomy as my mind wants me to believe, so let's try to look at some of the light. 

I AM ELLI : I spent a lot of this month kind of hating myself, hating how I looked, how I acted, and the easiest way to describe what I wanted to do was REBRAND. I had the urge to cut my hair, change my name, change the way I dress and how I live my life. There were also brief moments of just ending it and letting reincarnation do all the hard work, but that isn't a realistic approach to living. So I settled with chopping off my hair. Like full where the fuck has my hair gone. I hate it, my partner hates it, my daughter hates it, and it is a very good life lesson to not listen to those impulses and intrusive thoughts your brain sends you. But hair grows right? And to be fair at some angles, in some photos I don't think I look that bad. I also tried to tackle my Finch app in a new direction. I used to have my categories and almost try to achieve lots. Do more to feel more and all that crap, but actually it became like dull tapping that eventually had no meaning, so now I am trying to achieve fewer goals, but take more time to reflect on those and how I felt. Let's see how long that lasts. Like the breathing exercises I said I would do last month, I did some... I was able to achieve some wins, by finishing a book, and completing my fossil collection in animal crossing. I have been very into drawing/painting and it had nothing to do with the fact I got myself some new dual tip watercolour pens. Also got back into puzzling, but I went back to my old habit of hyperfocus until complete and it kind of loses all it's calming qualities because I try to rush to finish it so I can feel accomplished and not also feel I had wasted an entire day. 

I AM A FRIEND: I was really excited to spend a night out with all my friends, but annoyingly exhaustion hit, and considering how the last one went I just felt it was best if I didn't attend. Especially as this was to celebrate Abbie's birthday and she doesn't need me bringing down the vibes. Though I do regret not going because it might have been just the kind of escapism I needed. But we live and learn. I was still a frequent goer of my community groups, and managed to have a great conversation with someone about our favourite films and we learnt a bit about each other's interest in that conversation. I also was able to have a few good conversation with my parent friends, and I even felt like I had a little gang at one point. 

I AM A MOTHER: Now considering it was the month of being a mother and all (because it contained mother's day, did I need to explain that?) I have felt extremely weak in this area. Now if you look at the collage I put together you would question this. Look how happy we both are. Which is almost what makes my feelings towards myself worse. So I try to give Nora everything, probably because I feel so guilty that we spend every other week apart, I convince myself I have to give all my energy to her when I do see her. Which when you are trying to keep up with the energy levels of a 6 year old, who wants to run, dance, play, sing, and all things overwhelming and overstimulating for a neurodiverse mum, you soon drain. Then I get irritable, then feel guilty for feeling that way. Then she gets grumpy and I get annoyed at her for not being grateful for what I do for her, and then I get angry at myself for being annoyed at her. I love how much she wants to spend time with me, but I also wish she could just develop a little independence so I can catch my breath without feeling guilty. Like the main way I get a little rest is because we have both pushed each other to breaking point, and it shouldn't be like that. Any advice?

I AM A HOMEOWNER: Wow I actually did complete a goal I set myself in last month's post. Nora's room became spotless! Not only did I clear the toys off the floor but I organised the space so it is easier for us to tidy up after ourselves. Which we all know is easier said than done and I give it until the end of the Easter holidays for it to be an unbearable disaster again. The beginning of the month my house slowly turned from crap to worse, and I think it was because I was burning out, so I tried to not only look after myself but my home, just breaking down the tasks a bit more so they do not seem so overwhelming. Plus finch had this fun spring cleaning set of tasks which definitely help me get in the spirit. 

I AM IN A FAMILY: Rather successful this month, as I spent lots of time with my parents, sister and grandmothers. Funnily enough my goal was to celebrate my mum and despite spending quite a bit of time with her/on the phone to her there is no photographic evidence that I even saw her. But that is how she likes it I think. She rings me up regularly to check in and I am very grateful to that, even more grateful that she understands when I ignore the calls because I have lost all ability to speak. We went out for a nice family meal to celebrate mothers day. I say nice, the parent's argued and the venue wasn't the best, but we tried! One of my favourite moments this month was mine and my sisters cinema trip. It was a much needed piece of escapism and reminded me that most of the time I need an escape Hariette is always very good at providing those. Like next month we are going to a drag show! 

I AM A PARTNER: As before I wanted to continue on my mission to give Dean more of my time. Which felt like a challenge at first due to how tired I was, and then I got scared of communicating to him my feelings because you know Rejection Dysphoria. But time and time again he proves that he is my biggest support, and I am very lucky to have him. For ages he had been talking about this burger place so we finally tried it, and I liked the vibes in this place, there was a framed picture of Keanu Reeves surrounded by Sylvanian family figures. In terms of the food, I highly agree amazing burgers (mine was veggie) but the chips could have been better. I also tried my first margarita drink which was very strong, and I made the mistake of just licking the salt off the rim, but it created some fun for our date. Then we decided to go to tradition and get dessert at Sundaes Gelato.

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: I am probably the worst employee on the planet as I have had to take yet more time off for my mental health. Can we just skip over this area....

So, you know what, despite what the title suggests (and I hope you noticed it was different to the last two) this month wasn't terrible. But there was a lot of overwhelming feelings, and even just no feeling at all. Which can be quite terrifying. At the minute I am just taking every day as it comes. Trying to listen to what I need in that moment and doing it, and trying to be open and honest so that others can understand and accept, but probably more so I can understand and accept. I think a lot of my issues come from my perceptions of myself and giving myself such a high expectation for what I should be doing on a daily basis. And ultimately I just need to remind myself that what I am doing is fine. It is enough. Some days are easier to remind myself of this than others. 

Anywho... some unachievable goals anyone?

• Complete a craft project. 
• Celebrate my birthday with my friends. 
• Make fun memories with Nora in the Easter Holidays. 
• Begin to tidy the summer house. 
• Do something kind for my sister.
• Celebrate my 7 year anniversary with Dean
• Actually turn up to work. 

If you made it this far, congratulations. Because honestly I wouldn't want to read through all the nonsense I put together in an attempt to improve my mental wellbeing. You know what well done to me for keeping this up for the third month in a row!

See you when I see you!