Was it so bad? - February

Hello, and the question on everybody's lips is, was February so bad? Yes, Yes it was. 

Okay to be fair to the month it could have been a HELL of a lot worse, but it definitely had it's shit learning moments let me tell you. So let's just crack on shall we?

I AM ELLI : I think somewhere along the month I had forgotten to be kind to myself. Maybe it had something to do with my PIP application and having to write about all of my struggles just gave me a sense of what is the point? How can anyone like me? I just suck as a human being. Then to make matters worse I felt like I almost became cursed. I got this really bad cold, fell down the stairs, just felt exhausted all the time, and lost joy in my usual things I find joy in. But I will be kind to myself now. I coped. I tried to advocate for myself taking a few days off work to look after my health. I tried to speak up more to different people about how I am feeling when I am feeling it. I have also made some positive choices. I was able to get the PIP application done, I was able to create some cool nail art, and finish some different crafty projects. I even completed my goal to play a game other than animal crossing, and for a solid 2 days played some Tekken. I have also laid down some bricks to improve this area of my life into March. 

I AM A FRIEND: I actually managed to meet up with my inner circle in February, SUCCESS! However it came with it's trials. I think because of how often I see them (which is not as often as I would like) I put a lot of pressure on these precious moments, and in the week building up to the occasion pushed me to a breaking point, and my headspace went, and I just think the evening was not as it should have been. I don't want to be the person who always moans, but I think I am just tired of holding my tongue sometimes. I know I shouldn't need them to constantly reassure me that they are my friends and want to hang out with me, but my rejection dysphoric brain finds it very challenging sometimes. Another bonus of this meet was we have arranged some future hang outs, so I don't need to feel the pressure to organise when we will next get together. I also had a pretty good evening hanging out with Dean's friends, who I am slowly associating as my friends (well the partners of his friends at least) and we went for unlimited pizza and they are understanding of my weird needs, and even though they all talk about their time in school and I can't relate because I went somewhere else, we could still find things to discuss, and I didn't feel too awkward. Sadly I got no photos of any of these meets, so you will just have to trust other people were actually there and it wasn't just in my head, but enjoy the selfies I took of me at the places. In terms of my newer forming friendships I have continued to be pretty successful, going to people's houses to hang out, having little hot chocolate meet ups. 

I AM A MOTHER: Being a mother is probably one of my most difficult areas of life, and this month definitely highlighted that. Again I think it falls to creating a high expectation, so with the half term holidays I was like, yeah we are going to have the most fun. Then illness hit, and meltdowns start, and the spiral of thinking whether I am enough for her, and it is exhausting having to try and constantly affirm myself when she is telling me I don't love her because I am too tired to play 5 more minutes of Barbies, despite having already played for an hour, and having taken her to a friends house and soft play the day before. But then she will become the cutest little being ever saying she never wants to be apart from me, and is really appreciative of the little gifts I make her. A parenting win I did face was after a conversation I had with her teacher who said now Nora has started wearing ear defenders in class, she is actually becoming a lot more focused, so I am pleased that I am able to become aware of her needs and try to get support for her, so that she doesn't feel the need to mask and internally struggle like I had. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER: I am slowly noticing while some areas of my house are improving, others are becoming extremely overwhelming. My method tends to be to pick an area to tidy, take all the things that don't belong there into a different room and tell myself I will sort that room next when my energy comes back. But slowly if anything it just keeps being added to and I just walk in there to start doing something and become paralysed by it all. I am talking about the summer house and Nora's bedroom. We just have so much stuff. And I would like to get rid of all the stuff but some of it is pretty decent stuff so I don't want to just throw it out but also I do not have the mental capacity to organise selling or giving it away. I have also finally killed my last remaining houseplant this month, so I will just have to settle for my fake block bouquet. A positive of this month was I successfully got my cats to the vets. Shadow is never usually an issue, except when she is there she likes going on missions to find hiding spots so I have to try and awkwardly fish her out from them. Spirit becomes an anxious mess, which makes me an anxious mess. So after overturned furniture, panic wees across my living room floor, and constant fear he is going to bite me like he did that one time. I managed to get him to the vet with no injury, and they were able to complete more of an assessment compared to last time because he let me hold him to put him on the weighing scale. The amount of love I get from my fur babies is definitely a highlight for the month. Oh shit I never got that bedside table, well let's forget that was ever a goal...

I AM IN A FAMILY: As I am relatively lucky my relatives live close by I do not find this area that challenging. Well the main challenge can come from when my family irritates the hell out of me, but isn't that all families? This month in particular my sister got a little under my skin, she asked for help with her neurodiverse assessment forms and I was like of course I will help but also you didn't help me much with mine, and if anything I actually felt a bit dismissed during my process that she didn't think I would be diagnosed. I don't know. The other thing was I just didn't find her helpful when I had particularly challenging days with Nora. It is like every member of my family has to be the one who knows best, and try to overly please my daughter, and it's great they want her to be happy, but it doesn't teach her particularly great life values if that makes sense. Anyway enough moaning. A win for February was I finally got around to seeing my Nanny, as this can be a challenge as she is always busy for someone who never leaves the house, but it was good to go to hers for a cuppa, some gingernut biscuits and a good ol' chat. My other Nannie also made us a lovely roast dinner for Valentine's day, so I am a pretty lucky grandchild. 

I AM A PARTNER: I hope Dean felt the love this month. We had a lovely date night, where I thrashed him at the game dominoes, had a mediocre meal, but delicious desserts, and got to hang out with his friends. Even when we just stayed home I tried to give him more of my attention, putting my phone down to cuddle up, making each other meals, and playing games TOGETHER compared to apart. We renewed our contract in February (an ongoing joke from our very first conversation) so he is stuck with me for yet another year. He made me smile on the so called Valentine's day because we agreed not to get each other anything. Then the night before I decided to make him a card to show my appreciation, plus I found a card on Thortful thought it was hilarious but didn't want to pay £6 for a piece of card, so I just copied the design myself. Anyway, when I presented him with the card he puts on a show "OH we said we weren't getting each other things, I didn't get you anything I feel bad, why would you do this?" And then seconds later re-enters the room with his pre-bought gift and card. THAT IS WHY DEAN. I know him too well to not get me even a small token of Valentine appreciation no matter how much we agree. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: Work is always going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. I was hopeful because I had some annual leave, and had been building up the hours over the year that I could return to my official business hours, but alas that not be the case. Illness hit, depression hit, falling down the stairs, lack of confidence, and just constant overstimulation by my work environment. But I do feel a little hopeful from my conversations with my manager, and she is trying to reduce my hours again in March to try and keep me on a level playing field, which I truly appreciate. And in terms of the goal I set, I didn't fully catch up with the training but I went from being like 9 courses behind to 3 so I will take that as a win.

So, February was a short month of chaos, but we do not need to dwell on the past. Let us now March forward (HAHAHA I'm so Punny). I would say this month my focus area should be a little more to myself and ensuring I don't relapse again due to low self esteem and lack of confidence. Just how exactly to do that is the question... but let's give some targets a try:

• Do some mindful breathing exercises. 
• To have a 1:1 chat with one of my friends to build connection.
• Be present for Nora's school events. 
• Tidy Nora's bedroom!
• Celebrate my mum for mother's day. 
• Support Dean with household chores. 
• Plan a fun activity to carry out with the kids at work. 

Well once again thank you imaginary people for holding me somewhat accountable, as if I wasn't to document this anywhere I would just not bother, and honestly sometimes that sounds ideal. No Elli NO we are improving our wellbeing!

See you when I see you!