My Recovery Journey: Burnout

Unlike Miss Roan I am not burnt out from loving an alcoholic ejection of mass. But singing that lyric
repeatedly helps me to tell people that Burnt Out is exactly how I am feeling. 

BUT WHAT IS IT?

How does one even begin to explain the complexity of the human body and mind? I just know I need to somehow put it into a form of communication so that I can actually start to get support and recover from this debilitating phenomenon. (You can tell I have Chappell in my head because it's a what? A FEMININOMENON! But that is not me in any way suggesting that burnout is just for the females). 

I believe anyone can burnout. I like to picture a lighter, and you keep clicking it, and it does the little spark but there is no significant flame. And you just keep trying and trying hopeful the next click will get you movin' and groovin'. ACTUALLY scrap that I have a better analogy. Small tangent time: The other day I turned the light on in my living room, and said to my partner that we needed to change the bulb, and he was like is it not coming on. No the light turned on but it made no difference to the brightness in the room (which for a light sensitive autistic girly that wasn't actually the worst thing). So on paper yes that bulb was working, but was that work effective, was the light being produced enough to the societal standards to be considered healthy functioning. 

I am that bulb. I would turn on, turn up, and hope no-one notices how dull I actually am. But it doesn't just end there. Because I have to become brighter so I don't get replaced, so I try adding things. Maybe if I try to hold all of these other tiny lamps I will make them think that I am bright enough. Oh I have run out of lamps, what could I set on fire to create light? Wait that's dangerous. 

And burnout is dangerous. People say you can't fill a cup when you are an empty jug. And no matter how many times I pretend to drink from an empty cup because I don't want the embarrassment has nothing to do with this so I am not really sure why I am adding this to the post. Especially as I can just edit this, and remove it before I even hit publish, but I feel like that is actually a form of masking and I am trying to do less of that. 

What were we talking about again?

The worst thing about burnout is that you can't really put a time frame on the healing (I'm telling you that from experience). Yet it feels like everyone is expecting you to put an estimation on when you will be that fully functional light bulb again. Like we've kept you off for a day so surely you can be a bit brighter now. But it isn't that simple. I told myself that if I have this day to rest I can continue tomorrow. And yeah sometimes that works. But when you are truly choked up, face down, burnt out. It isn't enough. You are still exhausted, and then feel guilty for feeling exhausted, then exhausted from feeling guilty, and exhausted from the exhaustion. The main way I can tell that I am feeling this way is because I feel heavy. Like there is some force (stronger than normal gravity) pulling my whole body down, like it wants me to sink fully into the floor and down to hell. And I actually feel that weight, I feel the pain. And if I try to avoid it, get through JUST TRY HARDER, my body starts screaming. Well you didn't listen to the pain, have some nausea, have some intrusive self harm thoughts, have this feeling like you chest is fluttering because there is a giant butterfly in there trying to break it's way out. So can I actually do anything anyway? No. And what I do tends to go wrong. 

And guess what, I can't afford for things to go wrong. Therefore I need to try and navigate the scary unknown of what actually helps me to recover from burnout, and then what can prevent a relapse. Because I have had many of those. Ultimately I think that is because I have never truly understood what I experience. I didn't use to know that I was burnt out. I was told it was depression and to cure depression you have to do more to feel more. They call it BEHAVIOURAL ACTIVATION. But if anything that is detrimental to the burnouts. My doctor has told me that I actually just need to rest, and that can take as long as it takes. I need to think as if I have a broken leg and I wouldn't just get up and run a marathon. But at least with a broken leg I can go to people LOOK LOOK AT MY CAST THIS IS WHY I CANNAE WALK RIGHT NOW. Whereas I have no real visual representation of my limitation aside from watching me fall asleep at 7pm, because I have just lost all energy for the day, and then continue to sleep for the night and not want to wake up in the morning. 

I need a special looking plaster to attach to my head. Sorry this brain is out of order right now. To be honest my brain always feels out of order, but going down that rabbit hole is not what we want to accomplish today Alice. Today we are resting. Well currently we are blogging, but once I have ejected all of this mass I think my brain can switch off and go to sleep.

Wish me luck!

See you when I see you!

Was it so bad? - February

Hello, and the question on everybody's lips is, was February so bad? Yes, Yes it was. 

Okay to be fair to the month it could have been a HELL of a lot worse, but it definitely had it's shit learning moments let me tell you. So let's just crack on shall we?

I AM ELLI : I think somewhere along the month I had forgotten to be kind to myself. Maybe it had something to do with my PIP application and having to write about all of my struggles just gave me a sense of what is the point? How can anyone like me? I just suck as a human being. Then to make matters worse I felt like I almost became cursed. I got this really bad cold, fell down the stairs, just felt exhausted all the time, and lost joy in my usual things I find joy in. But I will be kind to myself now. I coped. I tried to advocate for myself taking a few days off work to look after my health. I tried to speak up more to different people about how I am feeling when I am feeling it. I have also made some positive choices. I was able to get the PIP application done, I was able to create some cool nail art, and finish some different crafty projects. I even completed my goal to play a game other than animal crossing, and for a solid 2 days played some Tekken. I have also laid down some bricks to improve this area of my life into March. 

I AM A FRIEND: I actually managed to meet up with my inner circle in February, SUCCESS! However it came with it's trials. I think because of how often I see them (which is not as often as I would like) I put a lot of pressure on these precious moments, and in the week building up to the occasion pushed me to a breaking point, and my headspace went, and I just think the evening was not as it should have been. I don't want to be the person who always moans, but I think I am just tired of holding my tongue sometimes. I know I shouldn't need them to constantly reassure me that they are my friends and want to hang out with me, but my rejection dysphoric brain finds it very challenging sometimes. Another bonus of this meet was we have arranged some future hang outs, so I don't need to feel the pressure to organise when we will next get together. I also had a pretty good evening hanging out with Dean's friends, who I am slowly associating as my friends (well the partners of his friends at least) and we went for unlimited pizza and they are understanding of my weird needs, and even though they all talk about their time in school and I can't relate because I went somewhere else, we could still find things to discuss, and I didn't feel too awkward. Sadly I got no photos of any of these meets, so you will just have to trust other people were actually there and it wasn't just in my head, but enjoy the selfies I took of me at the places. In terms of my newer forming friendships I have continued to be pretty successful, going to people's houses to hang out, having little hot chocolate meet ups. 

I AM A MOTHER: Being a mother is probably one of my most difficult areas of life, and this month definitely highlighted that. Again I think it falls to creating a high expectation, so with the half term holidays I was like, yeah we are going to have the most fun. Then illness hit, and meltdowns start, and the spiral of thinking whether I am enough for her, and it is exhausting having to try and constantly affirm myself when she is telling me I don't love her because I am too tired to play 5 more minutes of Barbies, despite having already played for an hour, and having taken her to a friends house and soft play the day before. But then she will become the cutest little being ever saying she never wants to be apart from me, and is really appreciative of the little gifts I make her. A parenting win I did face was after a conversation I had with her teacher who said now Nora has started wearing ear defenders in class, she is actually becoming a lot more focused, so I am pleased that I am able to become aware of her needs and try to get support for her, so that she doesn't feel the need to mask and internally struggle like I had. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER: I am slowly noticing while some areas of my house are improving, others are becoming extremely overwhelming. My method tends to be to pick an area to tidy, take all the things that don't belong there into a different room and tell myself I will sort that room next when my energy comes back. But slowly if anything it just keeps being added to and I just walk in there to start doing something and become paralysed by it all. I am talking about the summer house and Nora's bedroom. We just have so much stuff. And I would like to get rid of all the stuff but some of it is pretty decent stuff so I don't want to just throw it out but also I do not have the mental capacity to organise selling or giving it away. I have also finally killed my last remaining houseplant this month, so I will just have to settle for my fake block bouquet. A positive of this month was I successfully got my cats to the vets. Shadow is never usually an issue, except when she is there she likes going on missions to find hiding spots so I have to try and awkwardly fish her out from them. Spirit becomes an anxious mess, which makes me an anxious mess. So after overturned furniture, panic wees across my living room floor, and constant fear he is going to bite me like he did that one time. I managed to get him to the vet with no injury, and they were able to complete more of an assessment compared to last time because he let me hold him to put him on the weighing scale. The amount of love I get from my fur babies is definitely a highlight for the month. Oh shit I never got that bedside table, well let's forget that was ever a goal...

I AM IN A FAMILY: As I am relatively lucky my relatives live close by I do not find this area that challenging. Well the main challenge can come from when my family irritates the hell out of me, but isn't that all families? This month in particular my sister got a little under my skin, she asked for help with her neurodiverse assessment forms and I was like of course I will help but also you didn't help me much with mine, and if anything I actually felt a bit dismissed during my process that she didn't think I would be diagnosed. I don't know. The other thing was I just didn't find her helpful when I had particularly challenging days with Nora. It is like every member of my family has to be the one who knows best, and try to overly please my daughter, and it's great they want her to be happy, but it doesn't teach her particularly great life values if that makes sense. Anyway enough moaning. A win for February was I finally got around to seeing my Nanny, as this can be a challenge as she is always busy for someone who never leaves the house, but it was good to go to hers for a cuppa, some gingernut biscuits and a good ol' chat. My other Nannie also made us a lovely roast dinner for Valentine's day, so I am a pretty lucky grandchild. 

I AM A PARTNER: I hope Dean felt the love this month. We had a lovely date night, where I thrashed him at the game dominoes, had a mediocre meal, but delicious desserts, and got to hang out with his friends. Even when we just stayed home I tried to give him more of my attention, putting my phone down to cuddle up, making each other meals, and playing games TOGETHER compared to apart. We renewed our contract in February (an ongoing joke from our very first conversation) so he is stuck with me for yet another year. He made me smile on the so called Valentine's day because we agreed not to get each other anything. Then the night before I decided to make him a card to show my appreciation, plus I found a card on Thortful thought it was hilarious but didn't want to pay £6 for a piece of card, so I just copied the design myself. Anyway, when I presented him with the card he puts on a show "OH we said we weren't getting each other things, I didn't get you anything I feel bad, why would you do this?" And then seconds later re-enters the room with his pre-bought gift and card. THAT IS WHY DEAN. I know him too well to not get me even a small token of Valentine appreciation no matter how much we agree. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: Work is always going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. I was hopeful because I had some annual leave, and had been building up the hours over the year that I could return to my official business hours, but alas that not be the case. Illness hit, depression hit, falling down the stairs, lack of confidence, and just constant overstimulation by my work environment. But I do feel a little hopeful from my conversations with my manager, and she is trying to reduce my hours again in March to try and keep me on a level playing field, which I truly appreciate. And in terms of the goal I set, I didn't fully catch up with the training but I went from being like 9 courses behind to 3 so I will take that as a win.

So, February was a short month of chaos, but we do not need to dwell on the past. Let us now March forward (HAHAHA I'm so Punny). I would say this month my focus area should be a little more to myself and ensuring I don't relapse again due to low self esteem and lack of confidence. Just how exactly to do that is the question... but let's give some targets a try:

• Do some mindful breathing exercises. 
• To have a 1:1 chat with one of my friends to build connection.
• Be present for Nora's school events. 
• Tidy Nora's bedroom!
• Celebrate my mum for mother's day. 
• Support Dean with household chores. 
• Plan a fun activity to carry out with the kids at work. 

Well once again thank you imaginary people for holding me somewhat accountable, as if I wasn't to document this anywhere I would just not bother, and honestly sometimes that sounds ideal. No Elli NO we are improving our wellbeing!

See you when I see you!