Was It So Bad? - January

I need to be more reflective, not like a mirror, though being shiny would be fun. But more looking back and actually thinking was it so bad? Because I think it keeps the realism  that not everything is hunkydory like the social medias like us to believe. True reflection is seeing the positive and negative and using all the information to move forward, and I want to keep moving forward, so let's go back to the past! 

Yes it makes complete sense, shut up.

In previous posts such as thus, I have tried to do it chronologically, then get muddled go on tangents and end up forgetting when things happened. And why it truly mattered I will never know because no-one here is fact checking my work, I am not going to be punished for saying something happened one day when it was really another, yet my brain insists it needs to be correct. I must be a reliable source of information, because a lot of the time I fall into delusion. Anywhoo... On my much loved FINCH app, and a lot of my recovery journey has been about splitting my life into the different people I am, therefore I will reflect on those people during January. Now I am tempted to give them each different names...

I AM ELLI: January certainly saw me leaning into my hobbies, partially because people decided to gift me a bunch of activities I could do as Xmas presents and for some reason I saw this as some kind of challenge to complete as many as I could. Maybe I should have taken more time to drag them out instead of hyper focusing and having it all done in the one month, but that is just how my ADHD brain works. I NEED INSTANT GRATIFICATION. One achievement for me was how I actually managed to play Animal Crossing Let's Go To The City every single day. It has become my new passion, mainly because I realised I never really played the games before to their full potential, I just liked chatting to cute animals, which is still a bonus, but now I am breeding the flowers, collecting all the things for the museum, and was actually able to obtain all the fruit because it turns out when you send letters about it to the villagers they send them back! I just feel bad they all ask me to invite people over from other villagers, but due to the game being so old and technology moving on I don't actually think you can access that feature anymore even if I did have the friends to do so. Another really important moment for me was getting an official Autism diagnosis. So Elli can well and truly say she has AuDHD and I am incredible!

I AM A FRIEND: I am definitely improving on the being social front. On the very first day in fact, Nora
and I had a playdate, and I had some very comforting chats with my new pal Hazel, and our neurodiverse ways. Then the afternoon we went to winter wonderland with Emma, and despite twisting my ankle in a haunted grinch house, we had a really lovely relaxed time. I tried to get the rest of the gang together but no dates could be agreed upon so I just have to keep trying and remind myself it is not because they are rejecting me! I have still been going to my community groups, and am becoming a lot better engaging with the people I am seeing there. A couple of friends from my Thursday parenting group are starting to go off for additional coffee chats, which has been nice. 

I AM A MOTHER: Something I get very worried about is how good I am as a parent, and January was no exception to this rule. We started off on a pretty good high, we made the most of our final days before she returned to school, with seeing family, friends and lots of playing. We were blessed by snow early January as well so we got to make our snowman Lizzey and have multiple snowball fights. I think she hasn't adjusted well to my return to work, as we have noticed the extreme reactions returning, but I am becoming more aware she could also be on the neurodiverse train like me. So that came with it's own set of worries making sure I know how to support her whilst supporting myself. Luckily she takes an interest in what I am up to so I got myself ear defenders, she wanted her own, and she was brave enough to ask for these to support her at school, so she is already on a better path than I was. Nora showed me a lot of love this month which does reassure me that I am being a good parent. 

I AM A HOMEOWNER: Thanks to the FINCH app, and wanting to put off important tasks, like emailing managers and filling out PIP applications, I have been doing well with keeping on tip of house stuff. I will admit I slacked post-Christmas then became overwhelmed by how much there was to do, but one weekend I just had my burst of energy and got on track. Still isn't perfect, nothing is perfect, but I am currently at a point where things seem manageable (but Elli what about the two rooms of shame? We don't go in their mind so they don't exist right now). 

I'M PART OF A FAMILY: Given that both my dad and sister have birthday's this month make it
relatively easy to play my role as part of the family. Despite never knowing what to get as gifts for these people as one never wants anything and the other will just get themself everything they want, I think I got some thoughtful things. I also just wanted to make sure I spent time with them to make them feel special. Which did put a lot of pressure on me towards the end as I had a lot going on but I knew I wanted to be there for my sister. And I am glad I pushed through, because she does a lot of things for me, like helping look after my daughter when I have to work, being my voice of reason when I am in meltdown, listening to my rants about Roxy from the Traitors. I should have tried to see my nanny a little more, but I was protecting her from the wintertime ills. 

I AM A PARTNER: When I reflect on January I feel like this was an area of my life I let go of a little bit. Don't get me wrong Dean and I are still going strong, and we had some great times together, and he has been incredible on my self discovery journey. But I feel guilty that he just has to get on with it while I give all my spoons to work, family, or self-care. 

I AM AN EMPLOYEE: Huge developments for me as I am making very big steps to ensure I can actually attend my shifts at work. I have learnt a lot about advocation and am trying to stick up for my needs, so even though it got very chaotic trying to consult different people and wonder how I am going to process the rejection of my flexi-time, I feel okay knowing I have people by my side, and there are still reasonable adjustments being made. So we are building myself back up to working 30 hours (though I am still trying to fight the battle that 10 hour shifts are much too long) but we have began to introduce extra "Sensory breaks" as I like to call them. Which I think has been helping. But due to those wintertime ills I mentioned before workloads haven't actually been that hectic, so trying to maintain the mentality that just because it works right now doesn't mean it always will. SO DON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT. 

So OVERALL I would say I have kept a respectable balance on my life, I have done things for all my seven areas, though some might need a bit more attention next month. LOOKING AT YOU DEAN, prepare to be my new hyperfocus! If I was to set myself some little goals it would be:

• Play something other than animal crossing
• Meet up with my inner circle.
• Let Nora chose a half term activity for us.
• Get a new bedside table.  
• See my Nanny
• Have a date night with Dean
• Catch up with missed training

Most importantly I need to complete my PIP application so I expect all you invisible people in my head to hold me accountable for that okay. And all the other tasks. 

See you when I see you!