Alive in 2025

Something I need to return to is reflection. But instead of my usual remembering of how shit everything had been in the past and then using that to panic about the inevitable 2026, I am going to try and be a little kinder to myself in the way the last year has unfolded. 

Now I didn't blog last year so I don't really have a frame of reference to what I wanted to achieve going in to 2025, which in a way is good because I can't then look at how I failed those target. But I remember starting a couple of challenges for myself which did not last the year, one thing I did commit to and I was very proud. SO yay. 

The problem with this post is how I want to structure it, because the organised let's discuss Month by Month sounds most appropriate, but then I feel like when things last over consecutive months how do I then talk about that? Do I keep you in suspense? Do I just not mention it at all until the conclusion? And what I notice now is that I am using up precious energy on how I should format this post as opposed to actually writing the damn thing. Right that's it, month by month. 

Here We Go!

January

Ah this is a lovely photograph to start us off. Delusion. That was a strong word for me this year, because in January I was delusional in thinking that I would make 2025 my year. Because I was terrified. 2025 saw a big change for me in terms of work. My whole shift pattern changed, and obviously I was scared how that would affect me, because yes excitement having days off in between shifts, but fear of being there for 10 hours, and having to start Nora in an afterschool club. But I thought, take on the challenge it may be best for everyone.

So with all that unknown chaos forming I thought to take some control and obviously meticulously plan with my calendar, and also begin some challenges for 2025. The first logging all the books I have read with a selfie on completion, I had done something similar previous years but it was just a large stack of the books at the end which I tried to remember and scramble together, so at least this way I didn't have to think back to what books I read months ago. I also wanted to return to taking pictures of myself because I notice that I try to hide away a lot, particularly when in low mood, but I felt that's how I lose who I am, how I am growing, changing, and by having a book with me it also meant I wasn't the sole purpose of the image which to me felt quite vain. Amazingly this was something I kept up for the whole year so if you stick around you can see the years reading list. 

Other challenges were around my creativity as this is something I always strive for. I used to post daily
pictures of nail art on one of my Instagram accounts, but felt that got very stressful, so said it was okay to do weekly, as I enjoyed the challenges the account Polish Portfolio would put up. So here is a little collection of those, they look really good. I think if I was to pick a favourite I would go for the top right teal doticure. Probably also because it didn't take as much time as the carefully placed lines or heaven forbid the mermaid scales! 

Next I wanted to return to drawing/painting and challenging myself a little, because usually I end up drawing the same things over and over again, so like the nail art I set out to find a weekly challenge prompt. I also wanted to try and take my time with some of these pieces, so not just a sit down and complete it in one session, but a slowly add and build when I have the time. I am rather proud of these, and I like how I tried to explore different techniques, particularly the crosshatch effect on Feathers. I was also proud that I went straight in with a pen as usually I never feel safe unless I can rub out mistakes, but he looks pretty banging. The pun wasn't initially intended but now I have spotted it is there I love the inclusion even more!

January brought about one of the greatest weekends of my life. Drag Con! It was a couple of days that I felt were for me. I wasn't a mum, because she was with her dad, I wasn't an employee because it was the weekend. I got to dress up, act silly, because that's what everyone was doing. I met so many inspirational and incredible people, that remind me that I want to keep being this crazy silly person because there will be people who accept that. One part of this I really liked, not related to drag, was the hotel swimming pool, which when I initially went down there I had it all to myself and it was lovely experience as I didn't feel self-conscious and I just got to enjoy the quite space. Also if it wasn't for this trip I wouldn't have another amazing experience in my life (more on that in March). 

Away from that escapism my January was all just trying to get by, my job was becoming increasingly stressful so I just leaned in to the things I loved, which was seeing family for their subsequent birthdays, hanging out with friends, and embracing Nora's love of wanting to wear makeup and be the artist to also put it on everyone else. I got my new phone this year, and it was adorable how Nora thought she was paying for it and even tried using one of her role play cards at the machine. Thanks Nora x And the phone was awesome because it enabled me to take all these photos where I genuinely look happy. 

February

So this month saw the beginning of intense feelings of I am not okay. And I would go around singing the MCR song to myself. Work was just becoming very intense, and this trickled into my home life and I think I just became exhausted. Which is why the art challenge came to an end. Even though I love my Animal Crossing character, he is so cute! Makes me want to draw more AC characters, which is actually another challenge I want to set myself which is 365 second drawings of an animal crossing character every day, but that also sounds daunting and my track record will show it won't last. So sorry Barney, but challenge not accepted. Nail art was still going strong though particularly loving my rainbow smoosh, and smoosh is just so much fun to say. Smoosh. 

As this was the month of love I went on not one but TWO Valentine's date, because they both insisted I had to if not I didn't love them (I mean Dean didn't really care but I liked it for the joke I created on my instagram) Nora and I enjoyed yet more pottery painting, and Dean and I had the traditional meal out. No heart shaped doughballs this year though :'( Something interesting about this month was that in the half term Nora and I went on a playdate with my work colleague and her kids. It was really nice to watch them all interact with each other, and be able to have someone to share in my experience, as I don't really hang out with other parents much. 

March

I think following the downs of February I really tried to pick myself back up in March. Even though I stopped the art challenge I didn't necessarily stop drawing, my favourite is my portrait for Kate Butch, which I actually gave to her when I saw her drag show Wuthering Shites. It was an incredible experience, and this queen is so kind and funny and makes me enjoy the music of Kate Bush. Me and my sister were sat in the front row, and anxiety alert she called on me to join her on stage, I had to try and do a Yorkshire accent and put on this hat, and now I will forever be young Kathy. It was daunting but also exhilarating to be so out of my comfort zone. Another way I was taken completely out of my comfort zone was celebrating my friend Abbie's birthday at Bongo's Bingo. Now this was both a great night of fun but also a personal hell. Fun because I got to play bingo, dance about with me friends, and find a community that also sings 64 zoo lane whenever the bingo number is called. Hell because it was heavily crowded and overstimulating. Would be great to do that kind of thing on a smaller scale.

Around this time I started some DBT sessions I believe, which is a type of therapy to help with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. This hit me quite hard for various reasons, one being told I am emotionally unstable, two having to chat weekly about traumatic topics, and three having it not actually be weekly/something always going wrong and I just had constant panics about the time place and contents of the meetings. Some positive takeaways from this was trying to be more mindful, so I would take myself our to the local park quite a bit. 

April

The month of my birthday which can always be quite triggering.  The panic of what I have achieved in my life, this was not helped by the fact I became physically ill around my birthday so then worried I couldn't even celebrate the occasion properly with my friends. But I guess there will always be a time to celebrate as I will have 365 days of being 28. I did get to go for a meal (I'd call it nice but the service was poor and the food got cold) and my sister and Nora made me a delicious cake. I spent quite a lot of time with family this month, just chatting about life and making things out of clay. As it was another school break Nora and I joined my co-worker+children again. This time we spent the ENTIRE day together at Africa Alive, which I had never been to, and I was stressed how Nora would be, but it was a lovely day. We had a long travel on the bus, saw lots of animals, Nora even showed off her drawing skills as she was sketching her favourites. There was also an unexpected foam party which was lots of fun, and I got to run around in a battle with all the children while my friend tried to avoid getting messy. 

May

Like the classic seesaw line in Sabrina The Teenage Witch, after UP we go Down. And May went very, very down. I just felt like there was something very very wrong with me and no matter what I did I couldn't really fix it. People thought I was rude, I couldn't connect with people unless they were my previous group of friends, but they get super busy, or don't always relate to how I feel. I felt I had no where to turn, no one who understood, and this was like the beginning of the end. As I had to take time off work, I was going thinking about taking a demotion and changing hours again, or just work entirely. And as I was feeling all this turmoil, it was like I had to try extra hard to find a reason to keep going, to prove to myself that I can live and not just exist miserably. I tried new things, like Archery, and Disc  Golf, I had fun celebrating various birthdays, and would visit my favourite place THE BEACH. I also apparently took very much to making the peace symbol to really emphasize that I am having a great time. Towards the end of the month Dean and I went on a weekend away. It was a place we had stayed previously so it was a little like a home from home. It had a private hot tub, which we spent every day in, and I was able to just be aware from the stress (a lot like my January get away, maybe I need more weekends away...)

June

The month nail art died, I mean I probably did still paint my nails, but I have no photographic evidence of such. I began this month still on my weekend away, so it was actually quite lovely, and I saw this month as my new beginning. I went on some very fun rides at Thorpe Park, I began my FINCH journey, I started self-care, by reading The Happiness Trap, and going on lots of mindful walks, and becoming an active part of the Recovery College. I just tried doing a lot of things for me, being at the beach, rekindling my love of cooking, going to see films I wanted to see and being in the water. Water is definitely my happy place. This month I celebrated my two favourite people's birthdays which is both a joyous time but also very stressful because I want to make sure they have the best possible time. I'm sure they did. Despite the fact some things got very scary, June became a very hopeful month for me as I began to move in the correct direction for my wellbeing, if you look back at my blog from this time (because shocking I returned to blogging in June 2025) you would know about my self discovery journey and how June was the time I began my road down Neurodivergence. Not that I am saying I have become Neurodivergent in this time, but I began the diagnostic journey to show that I have always been. And the more I learnt the more I was becoming sure this was where I belonged, but there was also the fear that even this would be inconclusive and I will still not understand myself. 

July

I came to a large conclusion that what I was feeling wasn't simply depression, it was a full on BURNOUT. So I told myself that it still wasn't time to return to work as I was still figuring out what I needed to function consistently, but I did pop in to volunteer, trying to ease my return and be there more on my terms. And it was pretty good. This month saw more mindfulness journeys, and days out to find joy. Dean and I had several date nights, Nora and I did pretty much everything under the sun, including starting our Safari animal hunt, which was very good for the step count, and I was starting to feel like I had the hang of this whole life business. And it was the start of summer, so everything was sunny and warm. Right?

August

For some reason all the giant spiders decided to come at me this month, so that was fun. But to be fair the rest of this month was pretty fun anyway. I planned to do a staged return to work, because I was lacking confidence and felt like all in at once was just not the way to recover, and it went pretty well. I had a great time seeing The Rocky Horror Picture Show live with mum and Hariette, I always love that experience, and it was pretty fun to get all dressed up, as I have been neglecting make up and all that for a bit. Due to the lovely sunny holidays I was able to spend lots of time at the beach and swimming in the sea, which is definitely a happy place for me, it is getting really fun Nora wanting to go in there more, and it is more than just a splash before we run back to Dean. Nora and I continued to get lots of exercise with our Safari hunt, and it took me down a few roads I haven't actually ventured down and we went on this pretty cool bridge. Emma was kind enough to take us on our annual Dinosaur Park trip, which was a little stressful as Nora was wanting to do the high ropes then immediately regretted it after climbing the stairs. However this was when Emma introduced her to the Tamagotchi and thus Nora wanted her own, and my god they are more demanding creatures than I remember. I think I will just stick with my sassy six year old. At the end of the month we had a little weekend holiday to Butlins. Now this trip was an event. The whole of the summer Nora was desperate to go, and I was excited how excited she was, but once there it was like reality hit. Everything we did quickly got met with a meltdown, so I wanted to meltdown. I ended up pawning her off to my sister while Dean and I enjoyed our time. Which was pretty fun, and I got to experience this cool electric wonderland show. 

September

Delusion returns again as I thought I was ready to go back to work, and yeah at the start it was going okay, but slowly and surely as the month progressed I noticed the decline. The children, a stress, my senses, overstimulated. And I just felt so lost trying to figure out how I could prevent another burnout, because I was too busy just trying to get through. So my mask went up, old habits came back. And I could just sense myself becoming more and more irritable. Therefore I tried the whole, LET'S DO EVERYTHING I CAN THAT I KNOW I ENJOY. Like date days with Dean eating unlimited pizza of strange toppings, and trying paddleboarding, and going on my little walks and trying to complete the world's most complex puzzle. 

October

Ladies and Gentleman we've reached Burnout, which felt like a complete failure on my part because I was only just there. However I need to remind myself that some in the neurodiverse community take up to 6 months to recover from burnout so like I said, I was delusional I was better, and I should have stayed away from the strain a little longer. But hey you live and learn. I should have known October was going to be a downhill spiral because it is a triggering time for me (looking at you 2018!) So I had my strategies to try and keep going. I cooked, baked, drew, painted and went on a date with Dean to Turtle Bay where you could play dominoes while waiting for your meal and it was pretty fun. I also had a delicious cocktail. Now I was getting a little worried about Halloween slowly approaching as this is a time I try to really big up to counteract all the shit I feel in October, but I had no energy, so the decorations were up for a small amount of time, no pumpkin was carved, no dressing up was done. 

I did paint my nails though guys, don't worry. And it totally had nothing to do with the fact I got my hands on the new Holo Taco Halloween collection. Glow in the dark, thermal polish, and some I just got for their fun sounding names. Oh I completely forgot to talk about this, I mean this isn't a live conversation I could just go and edit it in but CBA, during the half term holidays I had organised a playdate for Nora to go to this craft thing with her friend, we all quickly discovered this was very overwhelming and this ended up as a trip to the park. But it was a lovely conversation I had with other parents who are also neurodiverse. So I was really liking starting to find people who could completely relate to what I was going through, even though at this time I wasn't officially diagnosed but even they could put the pieces of the puzzle together, and I finally felt seen. One of my greatest achievements this month was celebrating my nannie's birthday because I somehow managed to wrangle a gang of us out for a meal. Now if you know my family you would know my parents are highly anti-social, so they would come out in small groups, maybe, if they felt like it. But they came! It was just a shame we couldn't find a date that also worked for Hariette, but I guess you can't have everything.

November

Now November felt like more of a return to me. I got my diagnosis for ADHD and I could finally start shaping myself to accept the fun little wackadoodle I am. Which involved starting a new adventure in my community Crafty Hearts group. Then becoming briefly hyper focused on macrame and adding beads to pens, and hamma beading various K-Pop Demon Hunters. It was also great to see my return to appreciating my nail painting and drawing passion. I also dyed my hair around this time. Which was part of my joke for why I have been suffering lately. I so miss having my hair coloured, but it is a bit of an expensive faff, so let's see how long it will last. A definite highlight to the month was finally reuniting with my friends!!!!!!! It was a much needed catch up and it was like we had never been apart. Nora even joined us as it was even longer since she had seen my friends, and she decided to celebrate the moment by creating portraits for everyone, which was accompanied by her creepy giggle. I feel so much at home with my little gang and it is a shame we can't synchronise our calendars better, but I know when I need them they come through!

December 

Once again I was returning to a nice state of equilibrium so I couldn't really tell myself I could stay away from work much longer, but I did get the first half of December to try and create a stable plan for myself in how I can work. I learnt about the Pomodoro Working technique which balances tasks with breaks, and practiced this at home and actually felt my energy returning, I managed to get a considerable amount of my house cleaned (don't ask me how it looks now though...) I also had everything organised for Christmas so it just became a waiting game as I was eager to show everyone the progress I made. I also started my Autism assessment this month, which was very strange. Doing both these assessments involved a lot of looking back on my life and it was very eye opening. I thrived being around my community groups, and clearly I have told my mum about my hobbies because she got me lots to do in terms of Christmas presents. Which is needed because once again I hit a wall at work realising I cannot work a 10 hour shift without resulting in meltdowns, but luckily I have a supportive GP and management team so for the time being I am on 5 hour shifts, and hopefully fingers crossed this can be the case for a good chunk of next year (I am hoping at least until I am further into my ADHD treatments processes and can build up my confidence). So combining being back at work, the community groups, a friends festive meet up, and seeing family over the Christmas period I was being very social, and it was very draining! But I am so grateful for these people because they are allowing me to be myself. December was also a month of playing LOTS of animal crossing. 

Oh my Christ, I never thought I was going to get through that post! 

2025 was definitely an experience, and even though there were lows, I think they needed to happen because they have revealed so much about myself. For my whole life I have neglected my needs, my struggled with executive functioning, and I began to mask so much that I didn't even know who I was anymore. And now I am putting that mask down I am having fun, I am beginning to love my little quirks, and realise that others can love that about me too. And if you don't well that's on you, because who doesn't want to be around someone with echolalia, and can talk very passionately about their very random interest, that will last short or long periods of time depending on my mood. I am a constant mystery, what will come out of my mouth next? Probably some kind of film, tv or song quote. 

All I ask of my 2026 is that I keep my mask firmly down, and accept myself for what I am.