I was able to tell myself I'm not okay. Now what? Just go about my day to day? No because my day to day is a big ball of stress. So I just run away and hide from everything! I've tried that before. It doesn't work.
Let's talk about that actually.
Picture this: a young adult who you would think is thriving in life, got a promotion at work, has a loving partner, surrounded by awesome friends and family. But they are constantly invaded by negative feelings, anger, frustration, sadness, depression. Then there are the impulsive thoughts on how to cope with those intense feelings. Then there is the actual carrying out of those impulses. Then slap on the carefree face mask and head out into the world like none of the scary shit is there. Until COLLAPSE. No more functioning, no more turning up to work, no more responding to friends, no more picking up the phone, and just spending an eternity under the duvet watching the entirety of How I Met Your Mother.
And maybe that is where I got the idea to tell my mother. Actually it might have been my manager ringing all my emergency contacts trying to force me to come into work, but that is not the point of this story.
The point is.
I told my mum I was not happy, and she suggested seeing a doctor. Which I did and he brought up the idea of Workplace stress and I should be signed off for a month. And naively I thought that would solve all my problems. Then it got really bad, not knowing what to do with my life, and attempts to end it all and a lot of self hatred for that fact I was too weak to actually end it all. I became very reliant on those who I knew would support me, then felt a lot of self hatred for dragging them down with me.
I returned to the medical professionals. But it's actually quite sad to think that I did not reach out to save myself for me. I did it because I found out there was a tiny human being growing inside me, and I had to protect that innocent being, because if I didn't no-one else would.
So Doctors, The Perinatal Mental Health Team, Health Visitors, More Doctors, Counsellors, Talking Therapists, Peer Support Workers, 111, The Crisis Team, Good Samaritans, The Recovery College. I'm trying them all. I'm trying to cling on to any tiny branch I can because this leaf cannot fall to the ground.
And over these years a very common theme started to occur. That people are there to catch me, people want to help me, and I should let them want to help me.
Not only should I reach out to the professionals I should find my own support system. I became more honest with co workers and management about how I can get, which has helped develop some coping strategies. I am more honest with my mother and partner about how I am and they provide me with support and love to help me feel like I am not going through this alone.
Something I think we all need to realise is that we put on these smiles because we think we need to be happy all the time. We think those dark moments are something to be ashamed of and we are the only people who can possibly feel this way. But I think the more we talk about it, the more we realise that it's probably very natural, and the shame can shrink away and everything will be better. Right?
It's still difficult. It's still hard to reach out. I feel like everybody's burden, I feel weak, and I feel like everyone is just going to get sick of me bringing them down, or asking for help, or just constantly venting my feelings that never make any sense. I also hate the feeling of pity, like people feel sorry for me, or that they have to treat me differently now.
So sometimes I hold back, I reveal a little but not a lot, and then I think everyone ends up confused by how nothing seems to connect and make sense. I need to get better at reaching out sure. But I think I also need to acknowledge that I am doing it a hell of a lot better than I did years ago. Well done me for taking that scary step, and even though I'm not at the top of reaching out for support success, I'm heading in the right direction.